Midnight and i lie awake
My cat is asleep to the left of me, its his third birthday since becoming my little buddy. My little cat family has grown, however, my own family has dwindled. I think a lot of the emptiness i feel and attempt to replace with drinking or other destructive ways stems from the lack of familial bonds i have had with people since i was much much younger. I tend to jump off the deep end without thinking or caring enough about myself in order to function properly. I used to tell people that the way things works is everyone eventually finds a way to get rid of me, which i thought was true, but in reality, is that im too scared to get close to people just for that same fact- people always end up leaving me and i end up alone, whether it be because my closest friend started dating someone (that has happened) and decided i wasnt good enough to keep around, or when they find out i have depression issues and anxiety, or when they find out my other issues. One of the friends i have made here i have told a lot of my life issues to, and he is in disbelief im still here, but im here because i do think it will get better eventually. Eventually. Every year around this time i always contemplate... where am i going what am i doing, etc. I just wish for once i didnt have to be alone through all of these issues... i get jealous of the ones that have always said they enjoy me being around and then disappear when they found their "one" or their better friends. Especially after Martin pulled that one major act on me, a week before i went to jail for a month.. and a month later when i moved to phoenix without thinking twice about uprooting my life. I ran from yet another problem i didnt even want to face, but in all honesty... i never would want someone to feel the way i did after what he did... and others have before.