(no subject)
I've just realized why I like Eliana's parents so much. Because their the parents I never had. I don't speak to my father at all, and I barely talk to my mother. It's sad that I need to feel love from someone elses parents. I've come from a broken home and it jsut sucks. My mother is bipolar or manic depressive or something. My brother is a loser who treats me like shit and my mother doens't do anything. Not becuase she doesn't care but because shes afraid of him. She always had some type of male figure in her life and when she lost her father and her husband she turned to my brother. I'm the one who she can scream at when shes drunk or upset with my brother. BEcuase I won't do anything that would harm her. I just really need to get away fromt his house. My mother doesn't care for me when I need to go to the doctors because it costs money. I seiorusly can't take any of this, my father never payed for my wisdom teeth before I had health insurance. So 1,600 hasn't been paid and my mother and I are the ones who are getting introuble with credit. Thats not my fucking fault because a father who i dont see anymore can't pay for a necisity. So now I'm stuck paying half and my mother pays the other half. I jsut recieved a bill form a gyno visit for 51.76 that I have to fucking pay for. I already payed the copay so why is it shoving me with a bill I don't fucking get it. I have to pay my mother back for her hel[ping me for my first 2 months of car insurance. I also have to apy her back for summer class that I dropped. MY insurance rose because of a fucking car accident, and my cell phone bill will be high. I seorusly have way to much responsiblity for a 19 year old. I pay for basic necities (shampoo, deodrant etc) I bought my car with my own money, clothes, everything except for a place to stay. I have my own health and dental insurance with Starbucks. My mother just seems to think I'm more of a fucking roomate then a daughter. She thinks that this is what I"m suppose to be doing. I can't take it, I'm going to have a breakdown soon. I don't even want to look at my credit card bill, which I only payed the minium last month. How am I goign to do good in school when I have all this fucking responsiblity. I hate it. I wish my mother gave me the love that I need right now. I wish she would stick up for me or would have taken care of me when me and my brother got at it. I wish she would love me and admit that I am a good daughter. I do chores, I work full time, i pay for my own shit, i go to school , and i still have been called a horrible daughter. How ?? And on top of this Chad and his girlfriend aren't goin gout anymore. He used me so bad. I don't understand, there has to be something wrong with me. Becuase evry single boy i meet, uses me. I don't understand. I just can't take it anymore. I want to know whats wrong wtih me. And why men jsut use me. IS it my appearence, or a cork in my personality? I wish my father wouldn't have fucked ALL of our lives up. I wish my father wasn't obsessive with things. I told Chad evrythign about my father, stuff I haven't even told my best freinds. And he still fucked me over after all the fucked up shit with my father. How can someone do that and not feel bad? I will never forget what my father did to my mother and our family. I will never look at a man the same way. I just don't know how much I can take before I really do break down. I hate the way I look and feel. I hate everything right now. I just really don't feel like this is all worth it. I've worked so hard for nothing. I gave my mother 140 dollars worth of birthday presents and she still says I can't wait to you move out all because I asked for a number to see the doctor. Itsl ike anything thats with money she goes pyscho. I hate nto ha ving moneya nd living paycheck by paycheck. I hate this I hoenslty can't do this anymore. Why did that fuck head play me so badly? Why did he fuck with my emotions? I honeslty am never going to trust anyone. I dont even trust my own family. My family has fucked me over with money so many times. And I jsut hoenstly can't take it. The only person I trust is myself. But I'm becmoing doubtful.