Finding the Words (1/2)
Title: "Finding the Words" (1/2)
Author: that_girl65
Rating: R (language)
Summary: Idina has so much to say to Kristin that she didn't get to say before.
'Dear Kristin, '
Idina stared the paper, the blank lines silently mocking her, just as they had been for the last forty-five minutes she had been sitting at the desk. She didn't know why she was sitting there or what had possessed her to begin writing the letter to a past lover she had not heard from for the past five years. Tapping the pen on the desk, she exhaled loudly.
"This is stupid," she said to herself before crumbling up the paper and throwing it to the side to join the other half written crumpled letters on the floor. For some reason she kept replaying the last time they talked in her head.
The curtain finally came down, putting up the barrier between the teary faces of the cast and the audience. Kristin was still facing the curtain as everyone had started to file off stage.
“Kristin,” Idina said softly, placing a reassuring hand on the small of her back. She pretended not to notice when Kristin’s body stiffened at her touch, and she tried not to let the pain show in her voice. “Kris, baby, are you okay?”
The small blonde turned to her so violently that Idina flinched. Kristin opened her mouth like she was about to speak, but instead let out a choked sob before turning away and walking off stage, her Glinda dress swishing back and forth.
Idina followed Kristin back to her dressing room, only to have the door shut in her face. "Kristin," she said pitting her head on the door, "please, talk to me." She heard some rustling on the other side of the door. The sound of the door knob rattling slightly gave Idina the indication that Kristin’s hand was on the door, debating whether or not to open it.
"Baby," Idina said quietly, "please, lets talk." She could feel the petite woman’s hesitation through the door, the knob turning carefully before opening up slightly. Idina gently pushed the door open just enough so she could slip into the dressing room, closing the door quietly behind her.
Kristin was sitting at her vanity and brushing her hair out mechanically, dropping hairpins onto her desk as she went. Idina stepped up behind her and placed her hands on the back of the chair.
"It’s not going to be the same without you," Idina said quietly. The brush faltered in Kristin's hand slightly, but her face remained stoic. "Kris," Idina said trying to elicit a response from the blonde whose eyes were rimmed with red, the only evidence of the tears she had been shedding minutes before. Kristin said nothing, just continued to brush her golden hair the Idina had learned to love so much.
Idina took the brush from Kristin’s hand and stood in front if the mirror, blocking Kristin’s view of herself. "I don't know what you want me to say," Kristin said without looking at Idina's face, her eyes suddenly transfixed on the corner of her room.
"Just say something. Acknowledge that I’m even here," Idina said gently lifting Kristin’s chin with her finger, forcing her to look at her still green face. Kristin’s eyes flickered up to Idina’s face before looking away again, tears welling up once more.
“Don’t cry,” Idina said drawing Kristin’s head to her chest and Kristin’s tiny fingers grasped at the bodice of her dress, “it’s just a show, nothing’s going to change really. I’ll still see you all the time, it’s not like you’re leaving New York.”
Kristin let out a sob and stood up from the chair, walking over to the other side of the room with her back facing Idina. Something cold rushed through Idina’s veins as she watched Kristin fiddle with something on her table. “You are just leaving the show, right?” Idina said, her voice faltering slightly, “You’re not leaving New York.”
Turning to look at her, Kristin said shakily, “I didn’t know how to tell you-“
“You’re leaving the city?” Idina said trying to control her volume, “You’re leaving your home? You’re leaving me?”
“I have a lot of really good offers in LA-“
“LA?!” Idina interrupted, not bothering to control her volume anymore, “You’re leaving for LA? That’s all the way across the fucking country! Why didn’t you just go to fucking China or something?”
“Dee, please,” Kristin said firmly, “This is a really good opportunity for me to get into movies and television.”
“Movies and television?” Idina said with a sarcastic laugh, “Kristin, you’re life is the stage. Those people out there are going to suck you dry, you’re not going to be happy. You could be happy here with Broadway and the city and me-“
“Oh,” Kristin said her voice shaking in anger, “You’re right. I can only be happiest when I’m with you. Well maybe you’re right, because I love you with everything I have. I’m yours completely, body and soul. But do you know how much it kills me to be with you? As much as it makes me happy it’s slowly killing me!”
“What are you talking about?” Idina asked, “How can I be killing you if I make you so happy?”
“Don’t be dense! How do you expect me to be happy when all I want is for you to be mine, and I know I’ll never have that privilege? Because you’re married, and no matter how much I wish and pray, you will never be completely mine.”
“Is that what this is about? This is about Taye?”
“No, it’s about more than Taye. This is about you and me and how we will never be.”
The tears fell down Kristin’s face and landed on her Glinda dress, getting lost in the sparkles. Idina walked over to Kristin and wrapped her arms around her, burying her face in her hair. The petite woman stiffened, so Idina rubbed her back soothingly and she relaxed, wrapping her arms around the taller woman.
They stood like that in silence for several moments before Idina whispered, “I would leave him for you.” Kristin snorted and shook her head, “I would never ask you to do that.”
“You don’t need to ask,” Idina replied, “I’ll leave him. I’m not happy with him like I am with you.” Even as she said it, Idina wasn’t sure if those words were true. There was plenty of opportunity for her to leave Taye before. Every time he came home late, smelling like another woman’s perfume or every time he lied to her about the other woman. So why hadn’t she yet? It was as if their relationship was built on some sort of masochistic love.
Kristin looked up and Idina could feel her trying to read her eyes. The blonde shook her head and cupped Idina’s cheek. “You’re saying the words but I can tell that’s not really how you feel. You couldn’t just leave him like that.”
“I can try-“
“Idina,” Kristin said softly as she shook her head. Teats began to fall from Idina’s eyes and she leaned forward, brushing their lips together in whisper of a kiss. Kristin sighed and grasped the back of Idina’s neck, pulling their lips together again.
This scene was all too familiar: kissing in one of their dressing rooms backstage. They had become masters at kissing without transferring makeup to the other so that Glinda didn’t have green smudges and Elphaba suddenly had glitter on her face. But this one was so much different then the rest. There was the subtle hint of bitter sweetness as Kristin ran her tongue long Idina’s lower lip and the taste of regret was apparent in Kristin’s mouth when Idina’s tongue explored it like so many times before.
It was when the taste of tears invaded Idina’s mouth when she knew it was over. Resting her forehead against Kristin’s, she whispered desperately, “We can make it work.”
Kristin put a finger to her lips, silencing her and shaking her head. “If it’s meant to be, we’ll be together again someday.”
“But I want to be with you now,” Idina said, cringing at the sound of her begging, “Please.”
“Go take a shower,” Kristin said stroking Idina’s green cheek, “We’ll talk later.”
“But-“
“Go.”
Kissing her once more, Idina unwillingly trudged back to her own dressing room and got undressed as soon as possible, slipping under the shower's warm spray. Suddenly her legs felt like jelly and she couldn't stand anymore, so she sat on the tile floor. She felt her eyelids get heavy and she stifled a yawn. She woke with a start, looking around her. The shower's spray had gone cold and she cursed quietly, wondering how long she had been in the shower. Pulling her still wet hair into a messy ponytail and putting on some simple jeans and a nice shirt. She went back and knocked on Kristin’s door, but there was no answer. Panic flooded Idina’s heart, “Kris,” she said desperately.
“She already left,” the stage manager said, “everyone’s going to that bar next to the fetish shop.”
“Thanks,” Idina said heading for the door. She was going to skip the stage door tonight. She was afraid that Kristin would try and avoid her, and she was not going to let her get away. She didn’t have the chance to say goodbye yet.
Idina hopped into a cab and gave the driver the address, hoping she wasn’t far behind Kristin. She cursed when an accident caused a traffic jam and no one was moving. Flipping open her phone, she called Kristin, hoping she would pick up. But four unanswered phone calls later and a half hour of not moving in the traffic and Idina resorted to desperate measures. She scrolled down her contacts and put the ringing phone to her ear.
“Hello?”
“Norbert! Are you at the bar?”
“Dee?” he said over the background noise. It was obvious he was already a few drinks ahead.
“Yes, it’s Idina. Is Kristin still at the bar?”
“Dee! Where are you? Everyone got here forever ago! What’s taking you so long?”
“I fell asleep in the shower. Now really, Norbert, this is important. Is Kristin there?”
“Kris? No, she left a while ago. Said she had somewhere to be in the morning.”
“Fuck. Fuck!”
“Dee, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Thank you, Norbert. I’ll talk to you later.
“ ’Kay, Dee. I love you!”
“Love you too.”
Idina closed her phone forcefully and sighed, “Sir,” she said to the cab driver, “I’m just going to get out here.” She threw some money in the front seat and got out of the cab, looking over the traffic jam that appeared to go on for miles.
She was going to walk to Kristin’s apartment. She had to, there was no other way. She power walked the twenty odd blocks to Kristin’s, silently praying that she would be there when she got there. Her breath was getting short and ragged, but she kept pushing, not stopping to rest. Idina finally made it to Kristin’s apartment and she went to the doorman.
“Hey, Manuel, can you buzz me up to see Kristin please?” Idina panted. The doorman knew her by now and never questioned her frequent visits, always letting her up with a knowing smile.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, ma’am. Ms. Chenoweth has already left.”
“What?” Idina said, panic flooding her heart once more.
“She left for the airport, she had a late flight.”
“Kristin already left for LA?”
“Yep. Her flight left about,” he looked at his watch, “fifteen minutes ago.”
Idina felt her heart leap into her throat and she struggled to catch her breath. Kristin was gone. Just like that. No goodbye. No explanation. Nothing.
Manuel looked at her sympathetically, “Would you like me to call you a cab?”
“No,” Idina said swallowing, “I’m fine. Thank you.”
She trudged out of the building and slumped on the curb, resting her head between her knees. Her eyes burned and it felt like someone had ripped her chest open. For years she had been used to Kristin being there, in her life. Now all of a sudden she was gone and she felt hallow. She felt dead inside.
Everyday for three months after that, Idina would stare at Kristin’s name on the contact list of her phone, trying to get up the courage to call her. But what would she say? What was there to say? Needless to say she never called her. And Kristin never contacted her. And here she was five years later, and that hallow feeling was still present in her chest.
Her marriage with Taye was breaking up, as it had been since they got married. The bandages they had put over the issues before were coming undone and things were harder to forget about and move on from. He had moved out six weeks ago and was living in Los Angeles. Nothing seemed much different to Idina.
Sighing, Idina pulled a new piece of paper towards her and wrote neatly: “Dear Kristin”. She put the end of the pencil in her mouth and tilted her head. There was so much to say, yet so few words came to mind to describe what she wanted to say. She didn’t know where to start, so she started with the basics:
‘I love you.’