i love brian
dear me,
i heard that you were home again
but you dont look like you're back to me
with your focuses changing
your gaze is transfixed
a point that i cant often see
you've got your new ties
ive got my old knots
you've got your inside lines
but you're never happy with what you've got
i heard that you were living well
but you dont look like you're living to me
though the sparkle is gone
your smile is in place
so that everyone watching can see
you've got them all convinced
but i know so well
that you could list your friends
but you can't count on them
hold it now
you've got everyone convinced
that you're alright
when no one else is quite as vulnerable
as soon as you got it you want something else
it's not the sale that you love it's the sell
it's not the price that's gonna cost you
it's just the weight that's gonna bring you down
ok so today i was filling out something and it said to use a song to describe myself... then i remember somebody once saying that this song "had to be written about me" p.s. this song is called so beautiful by dashboard.. i added the lyrics i felt described me.. which was pretty much the whole song... i guess. Now if you read the lyrics you can obviously see that i constantly change my mind, im weak, and i can convince people of anything.. but the one thing i cant do is convince myself and hold my feelings for longer than like a second. This is something im working so hard on.. why? because i almost made one of the biggest mistakes EVER because of my retarded unsatisfiedness.. that's like not even a word i know but this is my fucking entry so deal with it! anyways.. me and brian took a break and stuff.. i dont really feel like getting into it but it's all my fault and i almost completely lost him.. but we're back to normal and tonight i hung out with him like we usually do... but there was something different about tonight. tonight i realized how much of a moron i am...why would i want to move on and let go something so perfect? he's crazy about me.. and im crazy about him. so what's the fucking problem? IM THE PROBLEM. the fact that im so used to having a one sided relationship that doesnt offically last more than a month and a half tends to make me assume that everything has to be like that. yeah well fuck it. im dumb.. and tonight i realized all of this.. like i knew it before but me being the moron i am was still kinda shaky about it.. but tonight changed everything. and i realized that whether or not i want to admit it.. im in love with brian. i honestly didnt think i'd ever feel really strongly for anybody else.. nor did i want to because it basically just led to me getting hurt, me falling too hard.. blah blah blah... but this time it feels so right and im so happy when im with him. It's like the whole world around me doesnt exist everytime i kiss him.. i havent felt that feeling in a lonnnnnng ass time. Tuesday is 2 months... it feels like so much longer.. this is one thing i know will last long... i just gotta make sure i dont fuck it up. oh and for the record.. the amount of time we were apart was good for our relationship and all because it made me realize stuff but i still feel HORRIBLE for putting brian through that. i know EXACTLY what it feels like... and it's a pain that cant even be described.... it's like you're hanging from a fucking cliff. i went through it all of last summer. and im so sorry from the bottom of my heart and i hate myself for doing it. moral of the story... i love brian. try to mess it up? or try to get me to mess it up.. and i'll pee on you! ok that's all for now... latesss ♥
