(no subject)
We used to walk together. You were my best friend. You tucked me in at night while mom was at work. You took me to Boston every week when I was a little kid. We'd take the train and just ride and get off randomly. You held my hand as I balanced on the curb so I wouldn't fall, but I can't hold on anymore. You've pushed me away with all of your addictions. It's beyond saving, I can't get through to you. My brother and sister have given up on you, and my only fear is that I might be next. My mother still loves you even though we can't remember the last time you weren't high or drunk. Mom's in denial, she kicks ME out of the house when she finds the shit you sell in work. She yells at me when she finds your stash, then apologizes the next day. She's loved you for 35 years, and even she's starting to get fed up. You bring no money home, and make bullshit stories up about where it went. My mother works 60 hours a week at two jobs to put me to school and pay the bills that you refuse to work towards. I used to back you up and think that you were always right, but things aren't the same anymore, I can't take coming home to a fight between you and my mother every night. You're such an abrasive person. I'll always love you, but I'm not sure how much I can respect you for the things you've done. You wrote me a letter that was six pages long, you put a handkerchief in it cause you knew I'd cry. I cried a little because of the memories you mentioned, but I cried more at the fact that I knew you were high when you wrote it, and I'm not sure how much of it was sincere. I noticed the little gramatical errors you only make when you've been smoking. You weren't there at senior night when they named you to come forward for a picture because of a "phone call". You didn't miss one play of 80 games in high school, but you weren't there when I wanted you there the most. You missed my graduation party, my 16th and 18th birthday parties, and a shitload of other big things cause you were mad at my mother. I can NEVER have those memories back, you weren't there. You did so much for me, but I feel myself fading from you, and I just can not get through. I don't want to leave you and mom alone, you've had a child in you house every day since 1975, and I'm not sure how you guys are going to handle it. You never went to college, you barely graduated high school, but you're still one of the smartest people i know. You wasted so much because you loved my mother, and now you're not doing a good job of showing it. I wish I could tell you all this, but I can't because the second I bring it up you'll cry those tears behind the paper you're reading, and change the subject knowing I'll walk away. I just want to be five again balancing on the curb knowing that even if I started to fall, you'd be there to catch me singing all those songs you used to sing in the kitchen every night. I used to love cooking, cause it was then we had some of our best conversations. I haven't gone near a stove in months. I wish I could catch you, but I feel like it's too late.