newburyport is the shit
why do people try to get off an airplane when it first reaches its destinantion port? I mean, obviously its just going to cause complication and no one will be getting off any sooner...? I guess i only wonder this b/c i have never been one of those people. now if this makes a difference in a higher, more important light, i dont really know but whatever. The only reason a thought like this would cross my mind is due to the fact that just recently i took flight on an airplane. three and a half hours of flying high in the air. I definately had free time to think about things.
Well for starters, i had time to evaluate my life. How i live it and who lives it with me. Since the beginning of summer until now i havent lied. i have been honest to a fault. and if i did lie it was on accident and i corrected it. I want to say this feels good. But the truth is that i've been in more binds honest than when i was a liar. heh. yes, i did lie. or i didnt care enough about anything. i have been trying to find myself which is hard to do at 16, such a fucking insecure age might i add and no one has helped.
At ATLANTIC HIGH SCHOOL there is not one person i fully trust as a friend. and anyone i thought i could trust has fell through. Making me feel like i have the worst judgement on people that i always thought i had the best on. Since freshmen year i have been through many groups of people. I guess i can say that i was desperate for a niche, i wanted a group of friends. i wanted a best friend ever since juanita stopped being that person for me.
I found out that everyone is the same, and thats probably why i try so hard to be different. Every single person i met or befriended despite better judgement at time, had faults, insecurities, lies, secrets. And those are things i never wanted to relinquish to the outside world when we had our falling out. My feelings have been hurt alot. i have been in fear. I have felt alone, i am alone for goodness sakes. I dont have friends. i only have accquatances.
Now my question is how come everyone else can say something. they can say whatever they want but when amanda mistretta says anything relatively out there then i get shit for it?
there are alot of people i wish would stay out of my life. or stop staring at me in the halls or shit talking because i hear you from my ears or someone else's but the truth is is i wish i just didnt have problems.i have kept to myself all summer and for this year i have tried to keep distance so people could get over themselves but nothing works. i cant please anyone. i wish that i could listen to hollaback girl and not be reminded of a false friendship. everyone i have known has blamed me for something. hoenstly. does it make you feel good? if you dont care about me so much then why do you make it a point to do things to hurt me? why do you make up lies, and say i call when i didnt and i will tkae that one til when ever i forget about you. why do you say that its my fault he doesnt want to be your friend? why to you stare at me in the halls and tell people you hate me when i sayd one comment directed towards a whole population? and why do you dislike me for deleting numbers out of your phone when it wasnt me it was anya? i have been nice to all of these people. i havent shit talked them or told their secrets or started a fight or threatened them and i still get the short end of the stick? i have given up on people in general i have given up on you, and you and you and you and anyone who is reading this that i know wont comment unless i put your names and then they will be nasty comments. but if you honestly have a problem with me then please just tell me not the other people. i know that life isnt fair, i just wish sometimes it was fair.
oh and this one is for alex mumford i dont know why you dont like me or why repeated people approach me saying they heard things about me from you? i dont get it i dont say mean things about you. if anything i am afraid of you. at the firedrill i sayd hey and after you said i was rude. so the other day i didnt say anything to you i didnt even look because i am now figuring that anything i do will just get you huffy. if you have something to say then approach me but i dont know what i did to you. and why does helen say amanda and engin thing...because there has never and never will be anything like that with engin so if you think that not that you care then you dont know about me.
so my conclusion is that i want to be happy and if i have to just not grow attached to anyone than thats the trick. oh and i am not as fake as they come because i dont hide shit.
without respect