'Wenn Nichts Mehr Geht (When Nothing Else Works)' [Bill Kaulitz/Davey Havok, Bill/Tom Kaulitz]
Title: 'Wenn Nichts Mehr Geht' (When Nothing Else Works)
Author: that_1_incident aka und_wenn_ein_lied {tokiohotelfiction.com}
Fandom: AFI/Tokio Hotel
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Implied incest, profanity, sexual themes
Pairing: Bill Kaulitz/Tom Kaulitz, Bill Kaulitz/Davey Havok
Word Count: ~2,800
Summary: Bill knows his brother loves him, but he's getting tired of being pushed to the side every time Tom sees an attractive girl. He meets the lead singer of AFI at an awards show and eventually agrees to Davey's madcap plan of getting Tom's attention when nothing else works...
Disclaimer: I do not own either Kaulitz, or Davey Havok. Especially not Davey Havok. Not even ein bisschen =/
Author's Notes: I actually started writing this before the news broke about Jade Puget (Davey Havok's bandmate) remixing 'Ready, Set, Go' for the American market. Hopefully more TH fans are familiar with AFI now that they have a connection with Tokio Hotel.
---<---<---@
It was weird going outside their sphere of influence. Humbling, kind of. Jost called it “broadening their hegemony” or some shit like that, and Tom had rolled his eyes and whispered something to Georg that Bill couldn’t quite make out, but it’d made the other boy laugh.
So there they were, broadening their hegemony in the manner of skulking backstage at an awards show on a foreign continent, waiting to perform to an American crowd who, by and large, had never heard of Tokio Hotel in their lives. Bill was sitting in a corner, singing "Monsoon" very quietly under his breath and trying to get into the zone, and when he looked up there was a person standing in front of him. Bill raised an eyebrow. It was a man, he was almost sure of it, and a surreptitious glance down at the tight white pants confirmed this. That being said, the man was disturbingly pretty and wore almost as much lipgloss and eyeliner as… well, as Bill. He was clad entirely in white, and his sleeveless shirt exposed two toned arms - muscular but not over-defined - that were completely covered in a variety of colorful tattoos. At a cursory glance, Bill could make out pumpkins, ghosts, a stone wall, and an assortment of oddly shaped buildings. He had to fight back the urge to laugh as the man tilted his head and his eyelids sparkled. Glitter eyeshadow. Bill would have to try that sometime.
“What was that song?” the man asked, and Bill thought that his voice suited his appearance; it was soft, calm, and pretty feminine. Bill wondered if he was actually gay or if it was just an image thing.
“It’s,” Bill stammered. “It’s called Monsoon. We’re performing tonight, but nobody really knows who we are in this country. It’s a promotional thing.”
The man looked intrigued. He sat down next to Bill, and Bill tucked his long limbs underneath him in order to provide more space.
“You have an accent,” the man commented.
“Yes,” Bill replied, feeling faintly silly. “We’re German.”
“We?”
Bill indicated his three band mates, who were sitting cross-legged on the floor in another part of the room, talking animatedly. They knew to give Bill his space before a performance.
“My friends Gustav and Georg,” Bill said, pointing them out as he said their names, “and my brother Tomi. Tom,” he quickly corrected himself, then smiled fondly. “He hates it when I call him that in public.”
The man appeared thoughtful. “Hm. And you are?”
“Oh - Bill,” Bill said hurriedly, sticking his hand out and offering the man his patented “delighted to meet you” smile. He’d perfected it at fifteen amid a barrage of record producers, journalists and fans, all apparently dying to make his acquaintance.
The man raised an eyebrow at Bill’s freshly manicured nails, then extended a similarly coiffed hand. “A German with a French manicure,” he murmured. “Nice to meet you. I’m Davey.”
“Davey,” Bill repeated, shaking the man’s hand firmly and liking the way the name sounded on his tongue. “It’s nice to meet you too.”
There was a brief lull in the conversation, and the man - Davey - glanced back over at the rest of the band. He had a thoughtful expression on his face. “Is that really your brother?”
“Tom? With the dreads? Yeah.”
“Hm,” Davey said again, and this time Bill couldn’t help but call him on it.
“Why?” he asked curiously.
“No reason. Just the way you look at him.”
“Oh, well -” Bill blushed, then caught himself. “I mean, yes, we’re brothers.”
Davey looked like he wanted to say something else, but just then one of the production staff poked his head around the door and said loudly, “Tokio Hotel in five.”
Georg, Gustav and Tom jumped up instantly. Bill bit his lip. “Oh, scheisse.” He always got nervous before a performance.
“C’mon, Bill!” Tom said, face flush with excitement and nerves.
“I’m coming. You don’t have to wait.”
Tom shrugged and followed the other two boys out of the room.
Davey turned back to him. “Tokio Hotel? That’s you?”
“That’s us.”
“Great name. I love Japan. Not such a fan of hotels, though, but they’re better than tour buses.”
Bill giggled a little. “I agree,” he said, smoothing down his hair and fluffing out the spiky parts at the top. “Um. Is my make-up okay?”
Davey regarded him critically. “Fine, except for…” He thumbed a point on Bill’s cheekbone, rubbing gently. “There. It’s gone.”
Bill shivered a little, and hoped he wasn’t obvious. “Thanks. I’ll see you after?”
Davey nodded. “I’ll watch you guys from the wings.”
Bill shot him a smile, then ran to catch up with the others.
--
The crowd went crazy for Monsoon. Bill loved the fact that when the band came out, everyone clapped politely, having no idea who they were, but by the end they were applauding and whooping enthusiastically. He wished they could have done more than one song. It didn’t feel like time to leave the stage yet - in Europe they sold out 17,000-capacity arenas and played sets far longer than this, but they were in America now, where things were different. He thanked the crowd in German, then in English - “Danke! Danke schön! Thank you so much!” - and the band came backstage on a natural high. Davey was waiting for Bill with his arms folded and a smirk on his face.
“You didn’t tell me you could sing.”
Bill blinked his lashes. “Um, but you heard me, you know, before.”
Davey laughed. “True, but it’s a little different seeing you onstage. I suppose I should’ve said you didn’t tell me you could sing so well.”
Tom eyed Davey suspiciously as Bill desperately tried to hide his blush. “You’re the singer from AFI, right?”
Davey nodded, shook his hand, and then curtsied. “Davey Havok. Charmed to make your acquaintance.”
Tom nodded at him and arched an eyebrow. “Yeah, you too.” He turned back to the other guys. “Okay, so who wants to go pick up girls in the audience? We can sneak out - nobody’s going to recognize us until we introduce ourselves, except for Bill with his fucking hair.” He rolled his eyes and grinned at his brother.
“You’re one to talk, Tomi,” Bill said with a laugh. “Fucking dreads.”
Tom stuck his tongue out at him. “Don’t call me Tomi, Billa. So, you coming?”
Bill shook his head. “Maybe later. I kind of just feel like chilling out right now.”
“Suit yourself,” Tom said with a shrug. “More for me!”
Bill frowned. “Whatever. I hope you get herpes.”
“Fuck you,” Tom said cheerfully. He slung one arm around Georg’s shoulder and the other around Gustav’s, and the three boys exited the room.
“Hmmm,” Davey said.
Bill tilted his head. “That’s the third time you’ve done that since I met you.”
“What?” Davey asked, looking innocent.
“That noise. That ‘hm’ noise.”
“It’s what I do when I’m feeling ponderous.”
“Uhm.” Bill hated looking stupid and had done reasonably well in English at school, but often in actual conversation he came across words he didn’t know. “What does that mean?”
“It means I’m thinking deeply about something.”
“Oh.” There was a pause. “…So what are you thinking about?”
Davey smiled. “Nothing. You.”
“Oh,” Bill said again. He wasn’t quite sure to make of this strange androgynous being saying he was thinking deeply about him - being ponderous, even. “Okay. Can I ask why?”
“Are you familiar with my band at all?”
Bill shook his head, feeling embarrassed. “Not really. Georg has one of your albums - with that song, uh… I can’t remember the title in English. Frau Mord.”
Davey laughed. “Miss Murder?”
“Yes!” Bill’s eyes sparkled. “I didn’t realise you knew German!”
“Ein bisschen,” Davey said modestly. “A little.”
“Klasse!” Bill exclaimed excitedly (he could be such a little kid sometimes), then commented, “That’s more than most in these parts.”
Davey nodded. “That’s probably true, yes.”
“So, you were saying?”
“Oh, right. Well, my friend Jade plays guitar for us, and -”
“I thought you were all boys?” Bill interrupted.
Davey looked amused. “We are. His parents just gave their children very interesting names. His little brother’s called Gibson, after the guitar.”
“My brother has a Gibson!”
“Jade’s brother is one,” Davey retorted smoothly. “But anyway, he has another brother named Smith, and Smith is our tour manager.”
Bill smiled. “That’s cool. So they get to be together.”
“Mmm.” Davey looked sideways at Bill. “They’re… close. Like you and Tom.”
Bill wasn’t sure how to respond to this. “That’s nice,” he said awkwardly, fidgeting a little. “Brothers should be together.”
Davey nodded. “I can tell, you know.”
“Tell what?”
“That you’re more than brothers.”
Bill’s eyes widened. Nobody around them was listening to their conversation or even looking in their direction, but he pulled Davey aside anyway and hissed, “What do you mean?”
“I can just see it. You guys remind me of Jade and Smith so much. Just the way you look at each other, like it’s wrong but it’s also so right.”
Bill toed the floor with the tip of his boot. “…Yeah,” he said finally, which was as good as an admission, really.
“So I was kind of surprised to see Tom go off after girls.”
“Yes,” Bill said carefully, ruefully. “I guess he can’t help himself. He likes girls, not boys. Except… except for me. He’s - well, we’re eighteen. We’re twins.”
Davey nodded. “You look a lot alike, even with your different styles.”
“A lot of people say that. I just. I don’t know. I suppose he just gets horny. He says it doesn’t mean anything, that it’s just sex. Not like it is with me.” He reddened slightly. “I can’t believe I’m talking about this, especially here, to someone I barely know.”
“It’s okay,” Davey said softly. “I’ve lived around it for the past decade. It doesn’t bother me.”
Bill looked a little relieved. “Okay. Alright. Okay.” He let out a shaky breath. “Shit.”
“Hey.” Davey touched his hand for a moment, just long enough to be overtly reassuring, just short enough to make Bill wish the other man hadn’t pulled away so soon. “I won’t tell anyone. Nobody knows about Jade and Smith either, so, you know, don’t…”
“I won’t,” Bill said with certainty.
“And if you don’t mind my asking,” Davey began delicately, “how do you deal with Tom going out and chasing girls?”
“Ha.” Bill tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice. “Not well.”
Davey made a sympathetic noise. “I can’t imagine.”
Bill shook his head. “It’s Tom. It’s what Tom does. I,” he lowered his voice even further, “I love him, so I have to put up with it.”
“No,” Davey said gently. “It shouldn’t be like that. Love shouldn’t be like that. Do you do it too?”
“What, mess around with girls?”
“Yeah.”
Bill tried to laugh but it came out hollow. “No. I can’t. I won’t.”
Davey frowned. “Maybe if you did, he’d realise how horrible it feels for you to watch him do that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Kiss other girls in front of him. Hold hands with them. Make him jealous.”
Bill made a face. “I don’t like girls.”
“Boys, then,” Davey amended with a chuckle. “Pretty boys.”
“Like who?”
“Like me.”
Bill’s eyebrows shot up. “Um. Really?”
“Well, I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea. You’re very attractive, Bill.”
“Thanks,” Bill mumbled, “but, I mean, I’m not - Tom’s the only -”
“I know,” Davey said quickly. “It wouldn’t be real. We’d just get him to notice.”
Bill thought for a moment. “Why are you doing this?” he asked finally.
“I’m a good-intentioned fellow singer and frontman.”
Bill narrowed his eyes. “It’s more than that.”
Davey caught his lip ring in his teeth and worried at it for a moment before releasing it. Now it was his turn to look around and check that nobody was within eavesdropping distance. “I used to be with Jade,” he said finally, “and it damn near killed Smith. We thought we could make it work, but eventually I realized that brothers… brothers should just be together.”
“So you let him go?” Bill asked, eyes wide.
“I gave him back,” Davey corrected.
“Didn’t it hurt you?”
“It did, very much.”
“But because they’re brothers, you -”
“It’s a bond that’s more powerful than anything,” Davey said firmly. “I’m sure you can attest to that. And sometimes all one brother needs in order to commit totally is a taste of how empty life would be without the other by his side.”
Bill nodded slowly. Davey’s plan was making more and more sense, especially now that his true motives had been revealed. Plus, Davey wasn’t exactly bad looking, although Bill's loyalty to Tom would prevent him from ever acting on his feelings. That being said, he mused, if Davey had been a girl then Tom would probably be off fucking her somewhere right now, or at the very least partaking in some extremely lewd groping. “Okay,” he said finally. “Okay. I’m in.”
Davey grinned. “Wonderful. I mean, wunderbar!”
Bill shook his head and chuckled. “Nobody says that in Germany unless they’re trying to be really gay.”
“Huh,” Davey said with a smile. “Fancy that.”
--
“Hi, Tomi,” Bill said casually, strolling into their hotel room later that evening and leaving the door slightly open. Tom was already in one of the twin beds, propped up against some pillows. “No girls tonight?”
Tom shrugged. “No-one spectacular. I sent them home. I thought we could…” He trailed off and winked.
Bill smirked. “Sorry, big brother. Not tonight.”
Tom’s mouth formed an ‘O’ of surprise, but before he could protest, Bill turned to the door. “You can come in now.”
Much to Tom’s obvious amazement, Davey Havok appeared in the door frame and sashayed across the room, placing his hands on Bill’s hips and a firm kiss on the younger boy’s neck.
“Uh,” Tom spluttered, “Bill, what the fuck?”
Bill shrugged. “I thought it was about time I had some fun too.”
“Oh.” Tom furrowed his brow. “Okay, I guess,” he said finally, uncertainly. “Sure.”
Bill nodded. “It’s sweet of you to allow it, but I really don’t need your permission.”
“Of course you don’t, baby,” Davey purred against the back of Bill’s neck, licking the other boy’s tattoo with the tip of his tongue. Bill shivered.
“So, we’re gonna go to bed now,” he told his brother.
“Fine. Great,” Tom replied, pulling the sheets up to his chin and turning to face the wall. “Night,” he mumbled against the covers.
“Night,” Bill and Davey replied, shooting secret grins at each other.
“Now what?” Bill mouthed without making any noise.
“Trust me,” Davey mouthed back, and Bill nodded. Then Davey swept Bill towards him and crushed their lips together.
Bill made a noise of protest in the back of his throat but then Davey nestled a hand in his hair and tugged gently. Suddenly Bill didn’t feel like putting up as much resistance. Davey used his other hand to stroke the back of Bill’s neck reassuringly, guiding him towards the bed. Bill’s stomach tightened a little with nervousness, but Davey had promised him earlier that they would go no further than kissing, merely using the power of suggestion to make Tom believe otherwise. Out of the corner of his eye, Bill saw Tom’s form shift in the other bed, and before long his brother was watching openly. Davey ground against Bill, tilting his hips against the other boy and pushing him onto the bed. Bill parted his legs and accepted Davey’s clothed form between them, moaning a little. It was at this point that Tom cracked.
“I can’t fucking watch this,” he mumbled.
Bill broke away from Davey’s kiss. “What?”
“You know what. I’m gonna go out for a smoke and a long fucking walk and when I come back, you guys had better be done.”
Bill blinked at his brother innocently. “We’ll take all the time we need,” he said coolly, then gasped and closed his eyes as Davey’s teeth sank into his neck. By the time he opened them, Tom had gone.
--
Davey stopped kissing him pretty much immediately after the door had clicked shut, and Bill couldn’t help but be a little disappointed. He loved his brother but really, giving Tom a taste of his own medicine was so sweet and so overdue, and with someone like Davey it was particularly enjoyable.
Davey must have sensed that Bill was conflicted because he nuzzled the boy’s cheek and asked quietly, “What?”
“I don’t…” Bill sighed. “I don’t entirely want you to stop.” Davey raised his eyebrows. “I mean, I don’t want you to go any further, but I don’t want you to stop. Does that make me horrible?”
Davey shook his head. “I don’t think so. It just means you need comfort.”
Bill buried his head against Davey’s strong shoulder, rested a hand lightly on the man’s hip and inhaled his scent deeply. It was different to Tom’s. Davey smelled like vanilla, and his hair smelled like strawberries. It was nice. Bill liked it a lot. “Maybe,” he murmured. “But maybe Tom needs comfort too, and that’s why he sleeps with all those girls.”
He could feel Davey shaking his head. “I don’t think so. I think you’re the one who makes him feel safe, and that’s the very concept he’s having trouble with.”
Bill disentangled himself just enough from Davey to enable him to regard the man quizzically. “What do you mean?”
“Well,” Davey paused for a moment, and Bill imagined he must be trying to think of the correct way to phrase what he wanted to say. He looked… ponderous, Bill thought, and would have giggled if he hadn’t been so nervous about what Davey was going to say. “If he starts trusting that you won’t hurt him,” Davey said finally, “that you won’t leave him… then it’s really going to hurt him if you do.”
“But I won’t,” Bill whispered passionately.
“I know that,” Davey soothed, “but I think that’s what he’s afraid of.”
“Tomi’s not afraid of anything,” Bill told him reverently.
Davey smiled, just a little and sort of sadly. “Bill, everybody’s afraid of something.”
Bill sighed. “So if all that is true, then I’ve really hurt him. And scared him.” He looked panicked. “Does that mean I’ve ruined everything?!”
“Shhh.” Davey ran his finger along the curve of Bill’s jaw line, and Bill bit his lip. “You haven’t ruined anything, you’re just helping him figure out how much he needs you.”
“O-okay,” Bill stammered softly. “Are you sure?”
Davey kissed him on the nose. “I’m sure. Try to sleep now, okay?”
Bill sighed. “Okay,” he said reluctantly, and Davey leaned across the bed and flipped the light switch on the hotel lamp. A moment later:
“…Davey?”
“Mm?”
“Will you, ah… hold me?”
Bill swore he could hear Davey smiling to himself in the dark, but before he could think any more of it, he was encircled by strong inked arms, gently cradled, and carried off to dreamland.
--
Bill slept well that night. He didn’t dream, but he felt secure and peaceful - or at least he did until Davey shook him awake sometime after two.
“What?” Bill hissed in irritation. The other members of the band had been well warned not to awaken him against his will when they could help it - a Bill lacking in beauty sleep was not a happy Bill, and if Bill wasn’t happy then a cloud was cast over the whole group. Bill was powerful in that way, although he tended not to realise it.
“Tom’s back,” Davey informed him in a whisper.
“So what?”
“So, do you want to go through with this or not?’
Bill rubbed his eyes. “Is he asleep?”
“Yeah, which means we’re going to have to be loud enough to wake him up.”
Bill winced. He wasn’t going to deny his attraction to Davey, although that didn’t mean he wanted to simulate sex with the man while his twin brother was sleeping in the bed next to them. But then he thought of the alternative - Tom having real sex with real girls, lots of girls - and suddenly Davey’s idea didn’t seem like such a bad one after all. “Okay,” he whispered back. “Tell me what to do.”
“Top or bottom?” queried Davey.
Bill snorted. “What do I seem like?”
Davey laughed quietly. “Point taken.” He slipped off his shirt first and then Bill’s, then gently slid on top of Bill, who parted his legs just as he’d done earlier. After that, Davey pulled the sheets up so that almost all of his back was covered. The bedclothes were crucial to Davey’s plan, as Tom would have no idea what was going on underneath them. All he’d be able to see were two bare backs, and he’d have no reason to believe that they weren’t completely naked underneath. “Okay?”
In positioning himself, Davey had quite unintentionally rubbed against Bill a little harder than Bill could comfortably take. “Unghh,” Bill responded, unwilling to admit that he was aroused.
“Hey,” Davey leaned down and murmured against his skin, “relax.”
“I’m trying,” Bill muttered. He grasped Davey’s hips. “Okay.”
“Okay.” There was an awkward silence and then Davey moaned aloud, long and slow and provocative. Bill screwed his eyes shut. He could hardly believe they were actually doing this. “Come on,” Davey whispered, grinding somewhat insistently.
That was definitely enough to provoke Bill into making some kind of noise. He briefly wondered how much he would really be acting throughout this whole thing, but pushed that thought to the back of his mind. “Yes…” he groaned, becoming vaguely aware of stirring from Tom’s side of the room, but he couldn’t focus on that right now, just couldn’t.
“Fuck, you’re…” Davey ground out, pushing his hips against Bill’s once more and rubbing himself against the boy.
“Shit,” Bill whimpered. He could feel himself spiraling out of control. He hated to admit it, but he was enjoying this more than he should. “This wasn’t meant to… oh…”
“It’s okay,” Davey reassured, peppering Bill’s pale neck with kisses. “You’re okay.”
“Yeah,” Bill managed weakly, “but…”
Davey moaned again, and this time Bill definitely saw movement from Tom’s bed. He decided to let himself relax a little more, despite his misgivings - after all, he did want Tom to be exclusive, and besides, Davey was so hot.
“Oh!” he gasped suddenly as Davey thrust hard against him, causing tiny bolts of electricity to ricochet up his spine. Kissing him intensely, Davey ran his fingers up and down Bill’s soft skin, squeezing slightly at the hips and causing the boy to buck upwards. “God,” Bill hissed, tilting his head back and exposing his neck, which Davey hungrily ravished with his lips and teeth. Davey rocked against him and Bill matched the rhythm immediately. He was painfully hard by now, and would have given more than anything to be able to shimmy out of his pants and take Davey inside him, but he couldn’t, he couldn’t. He loved Tom and Tom only, and as strange as it sounded, Tom was the only reason he was doing this. Well, he corrected himself, arching his back as Davey’s head bent to suck on one of his nipples, maybe not the only reason.
Bill writhed in pleasure, moving his head this way and that before finally resting his left cheek against the pillow. When he opened his eyes, he looked straight into an identical pair, and his breath caught in his throat.
Tom was looking at him from across the room with a mixture of fury and arousal. Bill honestly couldn’t tell whether Tom more wanted to hit him or fuck him.
“Is it okay if…” Davey panted against his skin, and Bill turned away from his brother. He was confused about what Davey was alluding to until he felt the other man’s soft fingertips brush the waistband of his pants. They felt so smooth compared to Tom’s with all his calluses. Bill considered saying no, it really wasn’t okay, because they were only supposed to be kissing and nobody had ever touched him there except for Tom, but it was killing him to be with Tom when Tom acted like he could go off and fuck whoever he wanted to, confident in the knowledge that Bill would be waiting loyally for him when he came back. It couldn’t happen anymore, and nor should Tom expect it to. It wasn’t fair.
Wordlessly, Bill nodded, and Davey slid his hand down in between Bill’s pants and Bill’s skin. Bill yelped as he felt the other man touch him right… there. It hadn’t been an especially long time since Tom had last slept with him, but he’d probably seen Tom go off with about five girls since then and if nothing else, it was frustrating.
“Oh, God…” Bill moaned as Davey grasped him firmly, thumbing his slit. Davey kissed his neck and then smiled against his skin before slipping slowly downwards, taking Bill’s pants with him. Before Bill really knew what was happening, Davey had taken him into his mouth and was sucking him off slowly. Tom was really good too - no, Tom was amazing, but Davey felt more… practiced. Far more practiced. Bill wondered idly how old the man was and how many times he had done this before deciding it really didn’t matter and closing his eyes, surrendering himself to the pleasure.
All too soon, Bill felt the familiar pooling of warmth just below his stomach. He yelped softly and involuntarily jerked upwards, but Davey accommodated him effortlessly and didn’t even react when Bill’s nails dug into his shoulder, although the sensation must have been uncomfortable. Bill came almost silently, with a shuddery gasp and a desperate whimper, then fell back against the pillow and tried to catch his breath. Davey ran his tongue over his lips, making sure to clean away any remaining taste of Bill, then crawled up to rest his head on the pillow. It was enough to make Bill forget about Tom… almost.
--
“Hey. Bill, wake up, hey.”
Bill blinked and then moaned slightly, unwilling to let the first vestiges of dawn creep between his eyelids. He loved sleep - he would sleep until 6pm every day if his schedule permitted - and he could never seem to get enough of it. “Davey?” he murmured sleepily, while attempting to snuggle and burrow his way deeper under the covers.
“It’s Tom.”
Bill’s eyelashes flew apart. Tom did not look happy, to say the least, and Davey was nowhere to be seen. “What is it?” he asked meekly, peeping out from over the top of the sheets.
“What the fuck was last night all about?”
He inhaled slowly. If this was going to work, it was vital that he kept his cool. “What was last night all about for you, Tom? How many girls did you look at, how many did you bring back here before Davey and I arrived? how many the night before that, and the night before that?”
Tom frowned. “Yeah, but-”
“If you say that’s different,” Bill said coolly, “I’m going to punch you.”
Tom’s eyes widened. He wasn’t used to seeing this side of Bill. “Um.” He swallowed hard, seemed almost nervous - if Bill didn’t know his brother better, he would think that Tom was a little… afraid. “Okay, but, like, they’re girls.”
Bill’s eyes flashed, and the expression on Tom’s face made it obvious that he realized he’d said the wrong thing. “So, what, just because I don’t like to be with girls, that means I can’t have any fun? I’m just supposed to wait around until you deign to fuck me?! Because lately I’ve been feeling like that’s really all it is, Tom - fucking. Like one of your one-night stands that just happened to go on for way too long.”
Whatever snappy comeback Tom had planned died on his lips after Bill’s last sentence. He stared at his brother blankly, eyes displaying a mixture of hurt, confusion and betrayal. “You mean so much more to me than that, Bill,” he said quietly. “You’re my brother - how can you think that?”
“Given the way you treat me,” Bill said with a sigh, “how am I supposed to think anything else?”
Tom seemed to crumple a little. His shoulders sagged and the corners of his mouth drooped down slightly - all the fight seemed to go out of him. “Is that really how I make you feel?” he asked, sounding as defeated as if he already knew Bill’s answer.
“It really is,” Bill said softly. His voice trembled, and he would have kicked himself for that if he hadn’t already stopped caring about seeming aloof. When Tom’s façade fell, so did his own, and that was how it had always been.
Tom bit his lip. “This is so stupid.” He sat down on the bed rather abruptly, as if something had just become clear to him.
“What?” Bill ventured tentatively, equal parts a ‘What’s stupid?’ and a ‘What’s wrong?’
Tom spread his palms. “This. Us. What we’re doing. What we’re not. None of those girls make me happy, you know. That’s why I always come back to you.”
“But,” Bill began in a small voice, “if I truly made you happy then you’d never go away in the first place.”
Tom looked deeply sad. He reached across the bedspread and took Bill’s hand in his own. “Billa, don’t ever think you don’t make me happy. You do. In fact, you…” He pursed his lips together, fidgeted slightly. “Sometimes you’re too perfect.”
Bill blinked. “Um…?”
“It’s just…” Tom shrugged. He looked uncomfortable but determined, like he had something to say and he wouldn’t stop until he’d said it. “It’s not supposed to be this easy. You’re not supposed to know who you want to spend the rest of your life with when you’re eighteen years old, and you’re not supposed to know who your soul mate is from the day you’re born - literally.”
Bill’s brow creased a little in thought. “But… we do know, that’s what you’re saying, right?”
Tom nodded dumbly.
“Then why is that bad? It just means we got lucky, Tomi,” Bill said innocently. “There’s no reason to freak out. Those are all things to smile about.”
Tom rolled his eyes. “Life isn’t like those stupid fairytales you have playing in your head. Stuff like this never works out, especially not when it’s…” He trailed off.
“Two boys…” Bill prompted gently.
Tom looked at him steadily for a moment, then whispered bitterly, “And two brothers.”
They sat in silence for a few seconds until Bill said hesitantly, “It doesn’t matter, you know. The love is still the same. It isn’t tainted because we’re brothers - we have just as great a right as anyone to be in love.”
“Not in the eyes of the law,” Tom murmured. “Not in the eyes of our parents, our friends.”
“Only some of our friends,” Bill said, so quietly that Tom could barely hear him.
Tom cocked his head and one of his dreads flopped down over his shoulder. Bill reached out with his free hand and tucked it back behind Tom’s ear without even thinking, and Tom grinned at him in gratitude. A little flame of hope sparked up in Bill’s heart. Maybe they would be okay.
“What d’you mean by that?” Tom asked curiously. “Only some of our friends?”
“Um.” Bill could feel himself blushing. He pulled his hand away and nibbled on the tip of one of his fingernails. “Ah. He’s not really a - well. Davey.” He cringed, expecting Tom to blow up at him, but instead Tom started to chuckle. “What?” Bill asked, amazed at the reaction.
“That whole thing with Smith and Jade, right?”
Bill’s mouth dropped open. He was absolutely astounded. “What? How do you know about that?! Nobody knows about that! And I didn’t think you even liked AFI!”
Tom rested his chin in his hands and looked Bill straight in the eyes. “I had a talk with him this morning, before you woke up. We went out on the balcony for a little while. Sorted some stuff out. He decided it was best if he left and let us talk it out. He’s been gone for about half an hour… he said he hoped you’d understand.”
“Oh,” Bill said faintly. He wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about this.
“I’m not mad. I understand why you did it now, I’m just sorry I pushed you to the point where you felt like you had to.”
Bill’s mouth was dry. He honestly, for one of the first times in his life, had no real clue what to say. He settled on “I’msorryIkissedhim,” with the words all smushed together like they didn’t deserve their own pause for breath. “And I’m sorry I let him-”
“It’s okay,” Tom interrupted. “It’s okay - the guy’s fucking attractive, really, when you look at him. I just couldn’t see it yesterday because I was too busy glaring daggers at you.”
Bill smiled. “No, yeah, he is. I mean…” He looked at Tom guiltily. “Not like -”
“I know. You’re allowed to think people are attractive, Bill. God, you’re only human.”
Bill shifted uncomfortably in the bed. “You’re allowed to as well,” he said finally, unsurely, “but what about the rest of it?”
“The sex?”
“The anything.”
Tom sighed deeply. “I don’t know why I even do that shit. It’s just a habit. It’s like a cover, I suppose. Gustav and Georg do it, and I just end up doing it too, and then I got a reputation... I don’t know. I can give it up.”
“Can you?” Bill whispered hopefully.
Tom leaned down and kissed his brother’s nose. “Consider it done. I’m so sorry.”
Bill squealed happily and wrapped his arms tightly around Tom. “It’s okay,” he assured, breathing the words hotly against his twin’s neck and kissing the delicate skin that he found there. Tom shivered under his touch. “Just kiss me, it’s okay.”
Without a moment’s hesitation, Tom moved his hands to his brother’s head, gently maneuvering him into position. When they kissed it felt like the first time, all those years ago under the protective shroud of Tom’s dumb dinosaur blanket that he’d ended up keeping for far longer than he probably should have, except this time, Tom gave Bill his whole heart. And, sure enough, Bill stroked it, cradled it, and consistently treated it as the most precious thing he had. He would go on to wobble a couple of times along the way (after all, even Bill messes up sometimes) but he would never, ever break it.
No, not even once.
---<---<---@
Author: that_1_incident aka und_wenn_ein_lied {tokiohotelfiction.com}
Fandom: AFI/Tokio Hotel
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Implied incest, profanity, sexual themes
Pairing: Bill Kaulitz/Tom Kaulitz, Bill Kaulitz/Davey Havok
Word Count: ~2,800
Summary: Bill knows his brother loves him, but he's getting tired of being pushed to the side every time Tom sees an attractive girl. He meets the lead singer of AFI at an awards show and eventually agrees to Davey's madcap plan of getting Tom's attention when nothing else works...
Disclaimer: I do not own either Kaulitz, or Davey Havok. Especially not Davey Havok. Not even ein bisschen =/
Author's Notes: I actually started writing this before the news broke about Jade Puget (Davey Havok's bandmate) remixing 'Ready, Set, Go' for the American market. Hopefully more TH fans are familiar with AFI now that they have a connection with Tokio Hotel.
---<---<---@
It was weird going outside their sphere of influence. Humbling, kind of. Jost called it “broadening their hegemony” or some shit like that, and Tom had rolled his eyes and whispered something to Georg that Bill couldn’t quite make out, but it’d made the other boy laugh.
So there they were, broadening their hegemony in the manner of skulking backstage at an awards show on a foreign continent, waiting to perform to an American crowd who, by and large, had never heard of Tokio Hotel in their lives. Bill was sitting in a corner, singing "Monsoon" very quietly under his breath and trying to get into the zone, and when he looked up there was a person standing in front of him. Bill raised an eyebrow. It was a man, he was almost sure of it, and a surreptitious glance down at the tight white pants confirmed this. That being said, the man was disturbingly pretty and wore almost as much lipgloss and eyeliner as… well, as Bill. He was clad entirely in white, and his sleeveless shirt exposed two toned arms - muscular but not over-defined - that were completely covered in a variety of colorful tattoos. At a cursory glance, Bill could make out pumpkins, ghosts, a stone wall, and an assortment of oddly shaped buildings. He had to fight back the urge to laugh as the man tilted his head and his eyelids sparkled. Glitter eyeshadow. Bill would have to try that sometime.
“What was that song?” the man asked, and Bill thought that his voice suited his appearance; it was soft, calm, and pretty feminine. Bill wondered if he was actually gay or if it was just an image thing.
“It’s,” Bill stammered. “It’s called Monsoon. We’re performing tonight, but nobody really knows who we are in this country. It’s a promotional thing.”
The man looked intrigued. He sat down next to Bill, and Bill tucked his long limbs underneath him in order to provide more space.
“You have an accent,” the man commented.
“Yes,” Bill replied, feeling faintly silly. “We’re German.”
“We?”
Bill indicated his three band mates, who were sitting cross-legged on the floor in another part of the room, talking animatedly. They knew to give Bill his space before a performance.
“My friends Gustav and Georg,” Bill said, pointing them out as he said their names, “and my brother Tomi. Tom,” he quickly corrected himself, then smiled fondly. “He hates it when I call him that in public.”
The man appeared thoughtful. “Hm. And you are?”
“Oh - Bill,” Bill said hurriedly, sticking his hand out and offering the man his patented “delighted to meet you” smile. He’d perfected it at fifteen amid a barrage of record producers, journalists and fans, all apparently dying to make his acquaintance.
The man raised an eyebrow at Bill’s freshly manicured nails, then extended a similarly coiffed hand. “A German with a French manicure,” he murmured. “Nice to meet you. I’m Davey.”
“Davey,” Bill repeated, shaking the man’s hand firmly and liking the way the name sounded on his tongue. “It’s nice to meet you too.”
There was a brief lull in the conversation, and the man - Davey - glanced back over at the rest of the band. He had a thoughtful expression on his face. “Is that really your brother?”
“Tom? With the dreads? Yeah.”
“Hm,” Davey said again, and this time Bill couldn’t help but call him on it.
“Why?” he asked curiously.
“No reason. Just the way you look at him.”
“Oh, well -” Bill blushed, then caught himself. “I mean, yes, we’re brothers.”
Davey looked like he wanted to say something else, but just then one of the production staff poked his head around the door and said loudly, “Tokio Hotel in five.”
Georg, Gustav and Tom jumped up instantly. Bill bit his lip. “Oh, scheisse.” He always got nervous before a performance.
“C’mon, Bill!” Tom said, face flush with excitement and nerves.
“I’m coming. You don’t have to wait.”
Tom shrugged and followed the other two boys out of the room.
Davey turned back to him. “Tokio Hotel? That’s you?”
“That’s us.”
“Great name. I love Japan. Not such a fan of hotels, though, but they’re better than tour buses.”
Bill giggled a little. “I agree,” he said, smoothing down his hair and fluffing out the spiky parts at the top. “Um. Is my make-up okay?”
Davey regarded him critically. “Fine, except for…” He thumbed a point on Bill’s cheekbone, rubbing gently. “There. It’s gone.”
Bill shivered a little, and hoped he wasn’t obvious. “Thanks. I’ll see you after?”
Davey nodded. “I’ll watch you guys from the wings.”
Bill shot him a smile, then ran to catch up with the others.
--
The crowd went crazy for Monsoon. Bill loved the fact that when the band came out, everyone clapped politely, having no idea who they were, but by the end they were applauding and whooping enthusiastically. He wished they could have done more than one song. It didn’t feel like time to leave the stage yet - in Europe they sold out 17,000-capacity arenas and played sets far longer than this, but they were in America now, where things were different. He thanked the crowd in German, then in English - “Danke! Danke schön! Thank you so much!” - and the band came backstage on a natural high. Davey was waiting for Bill with his arms folded and a smirk on his face.
“You didn’t tell me you could sing.”
Bill blinked his lashes. “Um, but you heard me, you know, before.”
Davey laughed. “True, but it’s a little different seeing you onstage. I suppose I should’ve said you didn’t tell me you could sing so well.”
Tom eyed Davey suspiciously as Bill desperately tried to hide his blush. “You’re the singer from AFI, right?”
Davey nodded, shook his hand, and then curtsied. “Davey Havok. Charmed to make your acquaintance.”
Tom nodded at him and arched an eyebrow. “Yeah, you too.” He turned back to the other guys. “Okay, so who wants to go pick up girls in the audience? We can sneak out - nobody’s going to recognize us until we introduce ourselves, except for Bill with his fucking hair.” He rolled his eyes and grinned at his brother.
“You’re one to talk, Tomi,” Bill said with a laugh. “Fucking dreads.”
Tom stuck his tongue out at him. “Don’t call me Tomi, Billa. So, you coming?”
Bill shook his head. “Maybe later. I kind of just feel like chilling out right now.”
“Suit yourself,” Tom said with a shrug. “More for me!”
Bill frowned. “Whatever. I hope you get herpes.”
“Fuck you,” Tom said cheerfully. He slung one arm around Georg’s shoulder and the other around Gustav’s, and the three boys exited the room.
“Hmmm,” Davey said.
Bill tilted his head. “That’s the third time you’ve done that since I met you.”
“What?” Davey asked, looking innocent.
“That noise. That ‘hm’ noise.”
“It’s what I do when I’m feeling ponderous.”
“Uhm.” Bill hated looking stupid and had done reasonably well in English at school, but often in actual conversation he came across words he didn’t know. “What does that mean?”
“It means I’m thinking deeply about something.”
“Oh.” There was a pause. “…So what are you thinking about?”
Davey smiled. “Nothing. You.”
“Oh,” Bill said again. He wasn’t quite sure to make of this strange androgynous being saying he was thinking deeply about him - being ponderous, even. “Okay. Can I ask why?”
“Are you familiar with my band at all?”
Bill shook his head, feeling embarrassed. “Not really. Georg has one of your albums - with that song, uh… I can’t remember the title in English. Frau Mord.”
Davey laughed. “Miss Murder?”
“Yes!” Bill’s eyes sparkled. “I didn’t realise you knew German!”
“Ein bisschen,” Davey said modestly. “A little.”
“Klasse!” Bill exclaimed excitedly (he could be such a little kid sometimes), then commented, “That’s more than most in these parts.”
Davey nodded. “That’s probably true, yes.”
“So, you were saying?”
“Oh, right. Well, my friend Jade plays guitar for us, and -”
“I thought you were all boys?” Bill interrupted.
Davey looked amused. “We are. His parents just gave their children very interesting names. His little brother’s called Gibson, after the guitar.”
“My brother has a Gibson!”
“Jade’s brother is one,” Davey retorted smoothly. “But anyway, he has another brother named Smith, and Smith is our tour manager.”
Bill smiled. “That’s cool. So they get to be together.”
“Mmm.” Davey looked sideways at Bill. “They’re… close. Like you and Tom.”
Bill wasn’t sure how to respond to this. “That’s nice,” he said awkwardly, fidgeting a little. “Brothers should be together.”
Davey nodded. “I can tell, you know.”
“Tell what?”
“That you’re more than brothers.”
Bill’s eyes widened. Nobody around them was listening to their conversation or even looking in their direction, but he pulled Davey aside anyway and hissed, “What do you mean?”
“I can just see it. You guys remind me of Jade and Smith so much. Just the way you look at each other, like it’s wrong but it’s also so right.”
Bill toed the floor with the tip of his boot. “…Yeah,” he said finally, which was as good as an admission, really.
“So I was kind of surprised to see Tom go off after girls.”
“Yes,” Bill said carefully, ruefully. “I guess he can’t help himself. He likes girls, not boys. Except… except for me. He’s - well, we’re eighteen. We’re twins.”
Davey nodded. “You look a lot alike, even with your different styles.”
“A lot of people say that. I just. I don’t know. I suppose he just gets horny. He says it doesn’t mean anything, that it’s just sex. Not like it is with me.” He reddened slightly. “I can’t believe I’m talking about this, especially here, to someone I barely know.”
“It’s okay,” Davey said softly. “I’ve lived around it for the past decade. It doesn’t bother me.”
Bill looked a little relieved. “Okay. Alright. Okay.” He let out a shaky breath. “Shit.”
“Hey.” Davey touched his hand for a moment, just long enough to be overtly reassuring, just short enough to make Bill wish the other man hadn’t pulled away so soon. “I won’t tell anyone. Nobody knows about Jade and Smith either, so, you know, don’t…”
“I won’t,” Bill said with certainty.
“And if you don’t mind my asking,” Davey began delicately, “how do you deal with Tom going out and chasing girls?”
“Ha.” Bill tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice. “Not well.”
Davey made a sympathetic noise. “I can’t imagine.”
Bill shook his head. “It’s Tom. It’s what Tom does. I,” he lowered his voice even further, “I love him, so I have to put up with it.”
“No,” Davey said gently. “It shouldn’t be like that. Love shouldn’t be like that. Do you do it too?”
“What, mess around with girls?”
“Yeah.”
Bill tried to laugh but it came out hollow. “No. I can’t. I won’t.”
Davey frowned. “Maybe if you did, he’d realise how horrible it feels for you to watch him do that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Kiss other girls in front of him. Hold hands with them. Make him jealous.”
Bill made a face. “I don’t like girls.”
“Boys, then,” Davey amended with a chuckle. “Pretty boys.”
“Like who?”
“Like me.”
Bill’s eyebrows shot up. “Um. Really?”
“Well, I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea. You’re very attractive, Bill.”
“Thanks,” Bill mumbled, “but, I mean, I’m not - Tom’s the only -”
“I know,” Davey said quickly. “It wouldn’t be real. We’d just get him to notice.”
Bill thought for a moment. “Why are you doing this?” he asked finally.
“I’m a good-intentioned fellow singer and frontman.”
Bill narrowed his eyes. “It’s more than that.”
Davey caught his lip ring in his teeth and worried at it for a moment before releasing it. Now it was his turn to look around and check that nobody was within eavesdropping distance. “I used to be with Jade,” he said finally, “and it damn near killed Smith. We thought we could make it work, but eventually I realized that brothers… brothers should just be together.”
“So you let him go?” Bill asked, eyes wide.
“I gave him back,” Davey corrected.
“Didn’t it hurt you?”
“It did, very much.”
“But because they’re brothers, you -”
“It’s a bond that’s more powerful than anything,” Davey said firmly. “I’m sure you can attest to that. And sometimes all one brother needs in order to commit totally is a taste of how empty life would be without the other by his side.”
Bill nodded slowly. Davey’s plan was making more and more sense, especially now that his true motives had been revealed. Plus, Davey wasn’t exactly bad looking, although Bill's loyalty to Tom would prevent him from ever acting on his feelings. That being said, he mused, if Davey had been a girl then Tom would probably be off fucking her somewhere right now, or at the very least partaking in some extremely lewd groping. “Okay,” he said finally. “Okay. I’m in.”
Davey grinned. “Wonderful. I mean, wunderbar!”
Bill shook his head and chuckled. “Nobody says that in Germany unless they’re trying to be really gay.”
“Huh,” Davey said with a smile. “Fancy that.”
--
“Hi, Tomi,” Bill said casually, strolling into their hotel room later that evening and leaving the door slightly open. Tom was already in one of the twin beds, propped up against some pillows. “No girls tonight?”
Tom shrugged. “No-one spectacular. I sent them home. I thought we could…” He trailed off and winked.
Bill smirked. “Sorry, big brother. Not tonight.”
Tom’s mouth formed an ‘O’ of surprise, but before he could protest, Bill turned to the door. “You can come in now.”
Much to Tom’s obvious amazement, Davey Havok appeared in the door frame and sashayed across the room, placing his hands on Bill’s hips and a firm kiss on the younger boy’s neck.
“Uh,” Tom spluttered, “Bill, what the fuck?”
Bill shrugged. “I thought it was about time I had some fun too.”
“Oh.” Tom furrowed his brow. “Okay, I guess,” he said finally, uncertainly. “Sure.”
Bill nodded. “It’s sweet of you to allow it, but I really don’t need your permission.”
“Of course you don’t, baby,” Davey purred against the back of Bill’s neck, licking the other boy’s tattoo with the tip of his tongue. Bill shivered.
“So, we’re gonna go to bed now,” he told his brother.
“Fine. Great,” Tom replied, pulling the sheets up to his chin and turning to face the wall. “Night,” he mumbled against the covers.
“Night,” Bill and Davey replied, shooting secret grins at each other.
“Now what?” Bill mouthed without making any noise.
“Trust me,” Davey mouthed back, and Bill nodded. Then Davey swept Bill towards him and crushed their lips together.
Bill made a noise of protest in the back of his throat but then Davey nestled a hand in his hair and tugged gently. Suddenly Bill didn’t feel like putting up as much resistance. Davey used his other hand to stroke the back of Bill’s neck reassuringly, guiding him towards the bed. Bill’s stomach tightened a little with nervousness, but Davey had promised him earlier that they would go no further than kissing, merely using the power of suggestion to make Tom believe otherwise. Out of the corner of his eye, Bill saw Tom’s form shift in the other bed, and before long his brother was watching openly. Davey ground against Bill, tilting his hips against the other boy and pushing him onto the bed. Bill parted his legs and accepted Davey’s clothed form between them, moaning a little. It was at this point that Tom cracked.
“I can’t fucking watch this,” he mumbled.
Bill broke away from Davey’s kiss. “What?”
“You know what. I’m gonna go out for a smoke and a long fucking walk and when I come back, you guys had better be done.”
Bill blinked at his brother innocently. “We’ll take all the time we need,” he said coolly, then gasped and closed his eyes as Davey’s teeth sank into his neck. By the time he opened them, Tom had gone.
--
Davey stopped kissing him pretty much immediately after the door had clicked shut, and Bill couldn’t help but be a little disappointed. He loved his brother but really, giving Tom a taste of his own medicine was so sweet and so overdue, and with someone like Davey it was particularly enjoyable.
Davey must have sensed that Bill was conflicted because he nuzzled the boy’s cheek and asked quietly, “What?”
“I don’t…” Bill sighed. “I don’t entirely want you to stop.” Davey raised his eyebrows. “I mean, I don’t want you to go any further, but I don’t want you to stop. Does that make me horrible?”
Davey shook his head. “I don’t think so. It just means you need comfort.”
Bill buried his head against Davey’s strong shoulder, rested a hand lightly on the man’s hip and inhaled his scent deeply. It was different to Tom’s. Davey smelled like vanilla, and his hair smelled like strawberries. It was nice. Bill liked it a lot. “Maybe,” he murmured. “But maybe Tom needs comfort too, and that’s why he sleeps with all those girls.”
He could feel Davey shaking his head. “I don’t think so. I think you’re the one who makes him feel safe, and that’s the very concept he’s having trouble with.”
Bill disentangled himself just enough from Davey to enable him to regard the man quizzically. “What do you mean?”
“Well,” Davey paused for a moment, and Bill imagined he must be trying to think of the correct way to phrase what he wanted to say. He looked… ponderous, Bill thought, and would have giggled if he hadn’t been so nervous about what Davey was going to say. “If he starts trusting that you won’t hurt him,” Davey said finally, “that you won’t leave him… then it’s really going to hurt him if you do.”
“But I won’t,” Bill whispered passionately.
“I know that,” Davey soothed, “but I think that’s what he’s afraid of.”
“Tomi’s not afraid of anything,” Bill told him reverently.
Davey smiled, just a little and sort of sadly. “Bill, everybody’s afraid of something.”
Bill sighed. “So if all that is true, then I’ve really hurt him. And scared him.” He looked panicked. “Does that mean I’ve ruined everything?!”
“Shhh.” Davey ran his finger along the curve of Bill’s jaw line, and Bill bit his lip. “You haven’t ruined anything, you’re just helping him figure out how much he needs you.”
“O-okay,” Bill stammered softly. “Are you sure?”
Davey kissed him on the nose. “I’m sure. Try to sleep now, okay?”
Bill sighed. “Okay,” he said reluctantly, and Davey leaned across the bed and flipped the light switch on the hotel lamp. A moment later:
“…Davey?”
“Mm?”
“Will you, ah… hold me?”
Bill swore he could hear Davey smiling to himself in the dark, but before he could think any more of it, he was encircled by strong inked arms, gently cradled, and carried off to dreamland.
--
Bill slept well that night. He didn’t dream, but he felt secure and peaceful - or at least he did until Davey shook him awake sometime after two.
“What?” Bill hissed in irritation. The other members of the band had been well warned not to awaken him against his will when they could help it - a Bill lacking in beauty sleep was not a happy Bill, and if Bill wasn’t happy then a cloud was cast over the whole group. Bill was powerful in that way, although he tended not to realise it.
“Tom’s back,” Davey informed him in a whisper.
“So what?”
“So, do you want to go through with this or not?’
Bill rubbed his eyes. “Is he asleep?”
“Yeah, which means we’re going to have to be loud enough to wake him up.”
Bill winced. He wasn’t going to deny his attraction to Davey, although that didn’t mean he wanted to simulate sex with the man while his twin brother was sleeping in the bed next to them. But then he thought of the alternative - Tom having real sex with real girls, lots of girls - and suddenly Davey’s idea didn’t seem like such a bad one after all. “Okay,” he whispered back. “Tell me what to do.”
“Top or bottom?” queried Davey.
Bill snorted. “What do I seem like?”
Davey laughed quietly. “Point taken.” He slipped off his shirt first and then Bill’s, then gently slid on top of Bill, who parted his legs just as he’d done earlier. After that, Davey pulled the sheets up so that almost all of his back was covered. The bedclothes were crucial to Davey’s plan, as Tom would have no idea what was going on underneath them. All he’d be able to see were two bare backs, and he’d have no reason to believe that they weren’t completely naked underneath. “Okay?”
In positioning himself, Davey had quite unintentionally rubbed against Bill a little harder than Bill could comfortably take. “Unghh,” Bill responded, unwilling to admit that he was aroused.
“Hey,” Davey leaned down and murmured against his skin, “relax.”
“I’m trying,” Bill muttered. He grasped Davey’s hips. “Okay.”
“Okay.” There was an awkward silence and then Davey moaned aloud, long and slow and provocative. Bill screwed his eyes shut. He could hardly believe they were actually doing this. “Come on,” Davey whispered, grinding somewhat insistently.
That was definitely enough to provoke Bill into making some kind of noise. He briefly wondered how much he would really be acting throughout this whole thing, but pushed that thought to the back of his mind. “Yes…” he groaned, becoming vaguely aware of stirring from Tom’s side of the room, but he couldn’t focus on that right now, just couldn’t.
“Fuck, you’re…” Davey ground out, pushing his hips against Bill’s once more and rubbing himself against the boy.
“Shit,” Bill whimpered. He could feel himself spiraling out of control. He hated to admit it, but he was enjoying this more than he should. “This wasn’t meant to… oh…”
“It’s okay,” Davey reassured, peppering Bill’s pale neck with kisses. “You’re okay.”
“Yeah,” Bill managed weakly, “but…”
Davey moaned again, and this time Bill definitely saw movement from Tom’s bed. He decided to let himself relax a little more, despite his misgivings - after all, he did want Tom to be exclusive, and besides, Davey was so hot.
“Oh!” he gasped suddenly as Davey thrust hard against him, causing tiny bolts of electricity to ricochet up his spine. Kissing him intensely, Davey ran his fingers up and down Bill’s soft skin, squeezing slightly at the hips and causing the boy to buck upwards. “God,” Bill hissed, tilting his head back and exposing his neck, which Davey hungrily ravished with his lips and teeth. Davey rocked against him and Bill matched the rhythm immediately. He was painfully hard by now, and would have given more than anything to be able to shimmy out of his pants and take Davey inside him, but he couldn’t, he couldn’t. He loved Tom and Tom only, and as strange as it sounded, Tom was the only reason he was doing this. Well, he corrected himself, arching his back as Davey’s head bent to suck on one of his nipples, maybe not the only reason.
Bill writhed in pleasure, moving his head this way and that before finally resting his left cheek against the pillow. When he opened his eyes, he looked straight into an identical pair, and his breath caught in his throat.
Tom was looking at him from across the room with a mixture of fury and arousal. Bill honestly couldn’t tell whether Tom more wanted to hit him or fuck him.
“Is it okay if…” Davey panted against his skin, and Bill turned away from his brother. He was confused about what Davey was alluding to until he felt the other man’s soft fingertips brush the waistband of his pants. They felt so smooth compared to Tom’s with all his calluses. Bill considered saying no, it really wasn’t okay, because they were only supposed to be kissing and nobody had ever touched him there except for Tom, but it was killing him to be with Tom when Tom acted like he could go off and fuck whoever he wanted to, confident in the knowledge that Bill would be waiting loyally for him when he came back. It couldn’t happen anymore, and nor should Tom expect it to. It wasn’t fair.
Wordlessly, Bill nodded, and Davey slid his hand down in between Bill’s pants and Bill’s skin. Bill yelped as he felt the other man touch him right… there. It hadn’t been an especially long time since Tom had last slept with him, but he’d probably seen Tom go off with about five girls since then and if nothing else, it was frustrating.
“Oh, God…” Bill moaned as Davey grasped him firmly, thumbing his slit. Davey kissed his neck and then smiled against his skin before slipping slowly downwards, taking Bill’s pants with him. Before Bill really knew what was happening, Davey had taken him into his mouth and was sucking him off slowly. Tom was really good too - no, Tom was amazing, but Davey felt more… practiced. Far more practiced. Bill wondered idly how old the man was and how many times he had done this before deciding it really didn’t matter and closing his eyes, surrendering himself to the pleasure.
All too soon, Bill felt the familiar pooling of warmth just below his stomach. He yelped softly and involuntarily jerked upwards, but Davey accommodated him effortlessly and didn’t even react when Bill’s nails dug into his shoulder, although the sensation must have been uncomfortable. Bill came almost silently, with a shuddery gasp and a desperate whimper, then fell back against the pillow and tried to catch his breath. Davey ran his tongue over his lips, making sure to clean away any remaining taste of Bill, then crawled up to rest his head on the pillow. It was enough to make Bill forget about Tom… almost.
--
“Hey. Bill, wake up, hey.”
Bill blinked and then moaned slightly, unwilling to let the first vestiges of dawn creep between his eyelids. He loved sleep - he would sleep until 6pm every day if his schedule permitted - and he could never seem to get enough of it. “Davey?” he murmured sleepily, while attempting to snuggle and burrow his way deeper under the covers.
“It’s Tom.”
Bill’s eyelashes flew apart. Tom did not look happy, to say the least, and Davey was nowhere to be seen. “What is it?” he asked meekly, peeping out from over the top of the sheets.
“What the fuck was last night all about?”
He inhaled slowly. If this was going to work, it was vital that he kept his cool. “What was last night all about for you, Tom? How many girls did you look at, how many did you bring back here before Davey and I arrived? how many the night before that, and the night before that?”
Tom frowned. “Yeah, but-”
“If you say that’s different,” Bill said coolly, “I’m going to punch you.”
Tom’s eyes widened. He wasn’t used to seeing this side of Bill. “Um.” He swallowed hard, seemed almost nervous - if Bill didn’t know his brother better, he would think that Tom was a little… afraid. “Okay, but, like, they’re girls.”
Bill’s eyes flashed, and the expression on Tom’s face made it obvious that he realized he’d said the wrong thing. “So, what, just because I don’t like to be with girls, that means I can’t have any fun? I’m just supposed to wait around until you deign to fuck me?! Because lately I’ve been feeling like that’s really all it is, Tom - fucking. Like one of your one-night stands that just happened to go on for way too long.”
Whatever snappy comeback Tom had planned died on his lips after Bill’s last sentence. He stared at his brother blankly, eyes displaying a mixture of hurt, confusion and betrayal. “You mean so much more to me than that, Bill,” he said quietly. “You’re my brother - how can you think that?”
“Given the way you treat me,” Bill said with a sigh, “how am I supposed to think anything else?”
Tom seemed to crumple a little. His shoulders sagged and the corners of his mouth drooped down slightly - all the fight seemed to go out of him. “Is that really how I make you feel?” he asked, sounding as defeated as if he already knew Bill’s answer.
“It really is,” Bill said softly. His voice trembled, and he would have kicked himself for that if he hadn’t already stopped caring about seeming aloof. When Tom’s façade fell, so did his own, and that was how it had always been.
Tom bit his lip. “This is so stupid.” He sat down on the bed rather abruptly, as if something had just become clear to him.
“What?” Bill ventured tentatively, equal parts a ‘What’s stupid?’ and a ‘What’s wrong?’
Tom spread his palms. “This. Us. What we’re doing. What we’re not. None of those girls make me happy, you know. That’s why I always come back to you.”
“But,” Bill began in a small voice, “if I truly made you happy then you’d never go away in the first place.”
Tom looked deeply sad. He reached across the bedspread and took Bill’s hand in his own. “Billa, don’t ever think you don’t make me happy. You do. In fact, you…” He pursed his lips together, fidgeted slightly. “Sometimes you’re too perfect.”
Bill blinked. “Um…?”
“It’s just…” Tom shrugged. He looked uncomfortable but determined, like he had something to say and he wouldn’t stop until he’d said it. “It’s not supposed to be this easy. You’re not supposed to know who you want to spend the rest of your life with when you’re eighteen years old, and you’re not supposed to know who your soul mate is from the day you’re born - literally.”
Bill’s brow creased a little in thought. “But… we do know, that’s what you’re saying, right?”
Tom nodded dumbly.
“Then why is that bad? It just means we got lucky, Tomi,” Bill said innocently. “There’s no reason to freak out. Those are all things to smile about.”
Tom rolled his eyes. “Life isn’t like those stupid fairytales you have playing in your head. Stuff like this never works out, especially not when it’s…” He trailed off.
“Two boys…” Bill prompted gently.
Tom looked at him steadily for a moment, then whispered bitterly, “And two brothers.”
They sat in silence for a few seconds until Bill said hesitantly, “It doesn’t matter, you know. The love is still the same. It isn’t tainted because we’re brothers - we have just as great a right as anyone to be in love.”
“Not in the eyes of the law,” Tom murmured. “Not in the eyes of our parents, our friends.”
“Only some of our friends,” Bill said, so quietly that Tom could barely hear him.
Tom cocked his head and one of his dreads flopped down over his shoulder. Bill reached out with his free hand and tucked it back behind Tom’s ear without even thinking, and Tom grinned at him in gratitude. A little flame of hope sparked up in Bill’s heart. Maybe they would be okay.
“What d’you mean by that?” Tom asked curiously. “Only some of our friends?”
“Um.” Bill could feel himself blushing. He pulled his hand away and nibbled on the tip of one of his fingernails. “Ah. He’s not really a - well. Davey.” He cringed, expecting Tom to blow up at him, but instead Tom started to chuckle. “What?” Bill asked, amazed at the reaction.
“That whole thing with Smith and Jade, right?”
Bill’s mouth dropped open. He was absolutely astounded. “What? How do you know about that?! Nobody knows about that! And I didn’t think you even liked AFI!”
Tom rested his chin in his hands and looked Bill straight in the eyes. “I had a talk with him this morning, before you woke up. We went out on the balcony for a little while. Sorted some stuff out. He decided it was best if he left and let us talk it out. He’s been gone for about half an hour… he said he hoped you’d understand.”
“Oh,” Bill said faintly. He wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about this.
“I’m not mad. I understand why you did it now, I’m just sorry I pushed you to the point where you felt like you had to.”
Bill’s mouth was dry. He honestly, for one of the first times in his life, had no real clue what to say. He settled on “I’msorryIkissedhim,” with the words all smushed together like they didn’t deserve their own pause for breath. “And I’m sorry I let him-”
“It’s okay,” Tom interrupted. “It’s okay - the guy’s fucking attractive, really, when you look at him. I just couldn’t see it yesterday because I was too busy glaring daggers at you.”
Bill smiled. “No, yeah, he is. I mean…” He looked at Tom guiltily. “Not like -”
“I know. You’re allowed to think people are attractive, Bill. God, you’re only human.”
Bill shifted uncomfortably in the bed. “You’re allowed to as well,” he said finally, unsurely, “but what about the rest of it?”
“The sex?”
“The anything.”
Tom sighed deeply. “I don’t know why I even do that shit. It’s just a habit. It’s like a cover, I suppose. Gustav and Georg do it, and I just end up doing it too, and then I got a reputation... I don’t know. I can give it up.”
“Can you?” Bill whispered hopefully.
Tom leaned down and kissed his brother’s nose. “Consider it done. I’m so sorry.”
Bill squealed happily and wrapped his arms tightly around Tom. “It’s okay,” he assured, breathing the words hotly against his twin’s neck and kissing the delicate skin that he found there. Tom shivered under his touch. “Just kiss me, it’s okay.”
Without a moment’s hesitation, Tom moved his hands to his brother’s head, gently maneuvering him into position. When they kissed it felt like the first time, all those years ago under the protective shroud of Tom’s dumb dinosaur blanket that he’d ended up keeping for far longer than he probably should have, except this time, Tom gave Bill his whole heart. And, sure enough, Bill stroked it, cradled it, and consistently treated it as the most precious thing he had. He would go on to wobble a couple of times along the way (after all, even Bill messes up sometimes) but he would never, ever break it.
No, not even once.
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