Talk about something you did that made you feel ashamed of yourself afterwards.
There's the big obvious MURDER thing, but it's actually not the first thing that comes to mind. I'm just really bad at talking. I mean I always have been. I just talk and talk until people glare or tell me to shut up or blush and cringe on my behalf, you know, and it makes me realize I should be blushing because that was stupid, what was I thinking, and then I'm ashamed.
This has been happening at least since I was nine. No, before that. I don't know. Tucker has been pretty good at pointing out stupid things for a really long time. Like I'll be all excited about some new toy that's coming out and did you know it's the new version of one they made three years ago but this time it comes with more stuff, except the color's slightly different and I'm not sure it lives up to the show, and Tucker's all "WHO. EVEN. CARES?!" and then I run up to my room and cry.
And sex is a thing. It's like, for a long time it was really inappropriate to mention it at all, and if I did I'd get the "kill me now" feeling, the hot face/fast heart/turny tummy feeling, because of how people would react. So I did my very best not to mention it, and then all of a sudden it was inappropriate not to mention it. People would be telling funny stories and I wouldn't have any. So you make something up and it's stupid. Cue blushy ears.
And then I did have stories but they were all, you know, with a boy, so I couldn't tell those either, and mostly they couldn't be neatly edited to involve girly parts. So then there was being ashamed before I even opened my mouth.
Anyway, then there was Warren dying and coming back as a ghost and telling me the only way to bring him back was with the blood of someone trusting, someone naive, someone already on my team, blah blah blah, and I should have known it wasn't really him but I'm an idiot. I didn't even realize it at the moment Jonathan fell to the floor. You'd think that would be the big revelation. Or right before shoving the knife in; that would have been way better. But I didn't know until Buffy et al kidnapped me. And they told me I should be ashamed of killing my friend, but I was actually ashamed of not being able to tell a fake Warren from a real one. I should have known him better than almost anyone. If I was his only hope and I just had to choose between him and two fake Warrens and everything would be fine, he would have been so totally screwed because I couldn't even tell!
And then they all scolded me every day for being a terrible person and a murderer and lots of other bad things, and even if I said something genuinely funny, for a long time I couldn't get the mood to lighten, you know? Which is important. Not being tense all the time. And after a really long while, some of the girls started being indifferent, and then more or less nice, and Xander started seeming to agree with me on some things, like that Matthew Broderick didn't really kill Godzilla, and I felt ashamed less often.
So that's about it I guess. Saying the wrong things, letting Warren down, and murder. It could be worse.
Fandom: Buffy/Angel
Muse: Andrew Wells
Wordcount: 587
This has been happening at least since I was nine. No, before that. I don't know. Tucker has been pretty good at pointing out stupid things for a really long time. Like I'll be all excited about some new toy that's coming out and did you know it's the new version of one they made three years ago but this time it comes with more stuff, except the color's slightly different and I'm not sure it lives up to the show, and Tucker's all "WHO. EVEN. CARES?!" and then I run up to my room and cry.
And sex is a thing. It's like, for a long time it was really inappropriate to mention it at all, and if I did I'd get the "kill me now" feeling, the hot face/fast heart/turny tummy feeling, because of how people would react. So I did my very best not to mention it, and then all of a sudden it was inappropriate not to mention it. People would be telling funny stories and I wouldn't have any. So you make something up and it's stupid. Cue blushy ears.
And then I did have stories but they were all, you know, with a boy, so I couldn't tell those either, and mostly they couldn't be neatly edited to involve girly parts. So then there was being ashamed before I even opened my mouth.
Anyway, then there was Warren dying and coming back as a ghost and telling me the only way to bring him back was with the blood of someone trusting, someone naive, someone already on my team, blah blah blah, and I should have known it wasn't really him but I'm an idiot. I didn't even realize it at the moment Jonathan fell to the floor. You'd think that would be the big revelation. Or right before shoving the knife in; that would have been way better. But I didn't know until Buffy et al kidnapped me. And they told me I should be ashamed of killing my friend, but I was actually ashamed of not being able to tell a fake Warren from a real one. I should have known him better than almost anyone. If I was his only hope and I just had to choose between him and two fake Warrens and everything would be fine, he would have been so totally screwed because I couldn't even tell!
And then they all scolded me every day for being a terrible person and a murderer and lots of other bad things, and even if I said something genuinely funny, for a long time I couldn't get the mood to lighten, you know? Which is important. Not being tense all the time. And after a really long while, some of the girls started being indifferent, and then more or less nice, and Xander started seeming to agree with me on some things, like that Matthew Broderick didn't really kill Godzilla, and I felt ashamed less often.
So that's about it I guess. Saying the wrong things, letting Warren down, and murder. It could be worse.
Fandom: Buffy/Angel
Muse: Andrew Wells
Wordcount: 587