Coming Out (9/11)
Title: Coming Out
Author: thanku4urlove
Pairing: Inoo/Takaki
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Slight cursing, discussions about sexuality, bullying, kissing
Genre: Slice of life? Slow burn, romance
Summary: It's the end of 2007. Inoo Kei is seventeen, and just debuted with nine other boys in Johnny's Entertainment's new group "Hey! Say! JUMP". He's a bit nervous, and a bit overwhelmed, and thinks he might be developing a bit of a crush on his bandmate, Takaki Yuya. It's embarrassing when Takaki finds out, but Inoo is sure that the crush isn't going to go anywhere. They aren't really that close, and Takaki says he's straight, and it's just a little bit of affection. It'll go away. Right?
About phone calls, first experiences, and falling in love.
A/N: It's all kicking off now folks!
Previous Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8
This chapter can also be read on AO3 here! (x)
Inoo’s brain felt like it was stuck on loop, repeating the question over and over in his head, the near-urgent way Takaki had asked it, the startling realization that Takaki had been serious. Inoo’s first desire was to call Daiki and talk to him about the experience, but refrained; he didn’t want this to become a funny MC conversation at a concert some years down the road. He wanted to keep it to himself.
Inoo couldn’t even fathom how he would feel upon seeing Takaki at work the next day. He put off leaving as long as he could, walking into the practice room with less than a minute to spare. A couple of the members looked up at him as he walked through the door, and when Inoo met eyes with Takaki he felt a jolt go up his spine.
“Inoo!” Yuto jumped up towards him, stealing his attention. “How was dinner with Takaki? He’s not talking about it.”
“It was spectacular.” Inoo said grandly, putting a hand to his chest. “He was a prince and paid for my food for me.”
“Really?”
“I mean, it was fine.”
“Fine?”
Inoo shrugged. “It was normal.”
That wasn’t true in the slightest, but it seemed as though he’d been able to sell the words, Yuto’s face falling.
“That’s it?” He asked.
“What did you expect?” Inoo asked back, and Yuto just shrugged a little, not having time to elaborate due to practice starting up.
Inoo spent the entire day trying to avoid Takaki’s eyes. He was grilled about the dinner a little more by the other members, and Takaki was too, but they’d come to an unspoken agreement to say that it had been “fine” and not elaborate much past that. JUMP all seemed disappointed by the verdict, but Inoo had a feeling that if they knew what had actually happened, they would be grateful that “fine” was the verdict they had reached about it all.
The question kept coming back to him, asked in Takaki’s quick and anxious voice, all of a sudden and all at once and leaving him slightly dazed for a couple of seconds throughout the day. It was so distracting that he had a couple of the members ask him if he was okay, and each time they did he gave an affirmative answer, and made sure not to look at Takaki.
The end of the day found Inoo on his couch, a convenience store meal in his lap, his chopsticks resting on his lip, trying to think. He was running through the entire evening, trying to think of what could have prompted a question like that out of Takaki; had it been something Inoo said? Something he’d done? They’d talked about crushes. Inoo had talked about kissing. Takaki had asked to kiss him. Inoo had shot him down.
Inoo began frowning. No, that wasn’t right, exactly. He hadn’t actually ever said no. He’d just pretended that Takaki couldn’t possibly be in his right mind, and run off. Any way he tried to frame the scene in his head, or justify it to himself, that had been an incredibly harsh way to end the evening. It made his insides squirm just to think about, and found himself grabbing at his cell phone and dialing Takaki’s number.
“Uh… Hi.” Takaki sounded almost confused.
“Hey!” Inoo tried for light, and cheerful; Takaki’s tone was making his stomach twist with nerves. “What’re you doing?”
“Nothing, really. You?”
“Eating dinner, mostly.” Inoo lied. He’d barely touched his food, and now sat up straighter, pushing the plastic container off of himself and onto the little table he had in the middle of the room. “I just… I wanted to talk about yesterday.”
“Okay.” Takaki said, and when he didn’t say anything else, Inoo took that as a green light to start.
“I… I wanted to apologize, I guess. I didn’t react well.” He should have planned out what he wanted to say; an apology for previous actions would be useless if his current words weren’t also what he wanted. “I shouldn’t have been so dismissive. You were just drunk, but you didn’t do anything bad, and I guess in retrospect it kind of seemed like I freaked out? But I just want you to know that I’m fine. We can just pretend it didn’t happen, even. People do all sorts of things because of alcohol, right? Wanting a kiss from a friend is pretty much nothing, you know. So just… I’m sorry for being so strange about it. It’s okay.”
“Right.” Takaki said, the word short, and… His tone was wrong, and this wasn’t at all going how Inoo wanted it to, and he was starting to almost feel sick from it. “No.”
“No?” What was that supposed to mean, that he didn’t accept Inoo’s apology? Inoo wasn’t sure what else he was supposed to say. So he just didn’t say anything, sitting in stunned silence, and Takaki made a small noise into the receiver.
“I wasn’t drunk, Inoo.”
“You had beer with dinner, though.”
“Yeah, one. There was water at the table too.”
Right, tiny cups with a pitcher for refills in the middle. Inoo found himself wondering why Takaki had let him stumble through that entire apology if he was just going to refute one of the first points, but that was what Takaki always did, never cutting him off, always letting him finish speaking before talking himself.
“I don’t understand.” Inoo confessed. That was better, he figured, than to continue to put his foot in his mouth like he so desperately found himself wanting to do. He just wanted to talk, to babble, until he stumbled on a better topic that didn’t make him feel so baffled and unsure on his feet, like he was trying to walk backwards on a moving train.
“I don’t… I don’t really know how I feel.” Takaki said after a moment. “But… It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while, and… I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“About kissing me?” Inoo couldn’t help the question, completely bewildered. He remembered asking Takaki What, do you want to just kiss every pretty thing you see?, and Takaki’s answer.
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“I mean… It wasn’t usually that specific, but when I really thought about it, yeah. It was always you.”
It was always you. The words seemed to echo in Inoo’s chest, leaving him so stunned that he was simply sitting there, his mouth half open, knowing he should speak but unsure of what to say.
“I… Well, I’m flattered and stuff, but… Takaki.”
“What?”
“Oh.” The simple, one word question from Takaki told Inoo that not only was Takaki not catching onto the fact that Inoo felt hit over the head by a steel beam, but that he and Inoo were not currently operating under the same assumption. Inoo felt it obvious that there was no way this was happening, that the kiss question, while asked in a serious tone, had not actually been a serious one; he wouldn’t have to actually say yes or no. That “no” was implied because it was impossible. But Takaki was still waiting on an answer.
Inoo couldn’t say yes. He knew that immediately. He couldn’t kiss Takaki… Could he? The thought of it was so bizarre and impossible that posing the question didn’t feel real. But it was real. Takaki had asked.
And Inoo… Inoo really, really liked Takaki. He liked Takaki so much that it was an actual, physical ache.
All Takaki was asking for was a kiss. Just a kiss; one kiss. Inoo had managed to make out with a guy for over a year without catching any feelings past casual friendship. By that logic, even though he did have real feelings for Takaki, Inoo figured that kissing him one time wouldn’t affect things much. It might even lessen the crush, release some of the tension. It might completely kill Inoo’s feelings, if the kiss was bad.
“Fine.” Inoo said, before he could talk himself out of it, before he had time to re-examine his logic and admit to himself just how flimsy it was.
“Fine?” Takaki echoed.
“I’ll do it. I’ll kiss you.”
“Oh.” The word was more of a sound, more of a relieved exhale than anything else. “You will?”
“If you ask me that I will change my mind.” Inoo warned him. “Tomorrow, okay? Like… After work?”
“Okay.” Takaki said. He sounded audibly nervous, but Inoo didn’t want to comment on it. “Where? ...your place? My place?”
Oh, no, they couldn’t do it at any place that even had the illusion of privacy. Inoo knew himself too well for that; if he could put his hands up a guy’s shirt in a place as public as a library, there were real dangers in being in a living room--or heaven forbid, a bedroom--with Takaki Yuya. A Takaki Yuya that wanted Inoo’s lips on him.
“At work might be a safe idea, after everyone else goes home.” Inoo offered. “You know, just in case. So the paparazzi don’t get pictures of us going to and from apartment buildings that aren’t ours, you know?”
The logic was flimsy there, too--this whole thing was a house of cards that would collapse if Inoo looked at it too hard--but Takaki made a small noise of agreement.
“Yeah, sure. Tomorrow. After work.”
“Yeah.” Inoo swallowed. This was so strange, setting up a date and time for one kiss, but it almost had to be this way. Like a business deal. This couldn’t be casual, and couldn’t lead to anything more, because--well, because it wouldn’t. Takaki didn’t like him. Takaki didn’t like men; he’d said so himself. But if Inoo allowed himself to ignore that little detail, as he liked to do sometimes, it still wouldn’t work out, he knew. They would just crash and burn, just as he and Takumi had, and then work would be hell. Inoo didn’t want to go through it again, through all the risk and hassle of dating someone if that person wasn’t The One, someone he was in love with, someone he was willing to risk everything for. Takaki couldn’t be that person. People didn’t find their true love at seventeen--people didn’t meet their true love at fourteen.
It was only one kiss.
Inoo wore the most unflattering clothes he could find to practice the next day. He’d dug in the back of his closet, finding some ratty leggings that were pilling at the knees and had a rip in one of the calves, pairing that with a faded blue-grey sweater that had weird bleached spots and was so big that it went down almost to his knees. It would be a little hard to dance in, but still. If it made him look like a formless blob, it’d be worth it.
They were on for nine hours today, starting at nine and ending at six, with an hour for lunch and a couple interspersed breaks. Their upcoming single wasn’t going to be a dance heavy one, and the music video and audio recordings had already been done, so they weren’t going to be working on that. Instead, they were working together in an attempt to perfect a routine put together for them to an American pop song that Inoo was finding less and less catchy and more and more annoying.
He barely noticed his annoyance today, though. As soon as he walked in his eyes found Takaki’s own, Takaki staring at him for a full five seconds--just long enough for nerves to churn in Inoo’s gut--before looking away again.
The day was sweaty and grueling, which didn’t help Inoo’s comfort level, but did a good deal for his attempt to look as unappealing as possible. He wasn’t even sure why he was doing it, wanting to look like a gross lump of fabric--maybe because he knew this endeavor was a bad idea, and was trying to sabotage it instead of call it off. Because he didn’t want to call it off.
Apparently, Takaki didn’t either. His loitering around was rather obvious, shooting glances at Inoo every couple of seconds, declining Yabu’s invitation to go out to dinner with himself and Daiki, which led to Inoo having to decline the same invitation moments later. Finally, they were alone.
Inoo stayed by his bag, his phone in his hand without actually looking at it. This was Takaki’s idea. This was Takaki’s request. Takaki should make the first move.
It seemed to take forever--maybe it was forever, and maybe it was a couple of minutes--but eventually, Takaki did.
“Uh… It’s just us.”
Not the most elegant proposition, but Inoo decided that he would take it.
“Yup.” He answered, trying to sound nonchalant and coming across unmistakably nervous instead. He saw Takaki approaching in his peripheral vision, setting his phone down and turning to him as soon as he came to a stop in front of Inoo.
And Takaki just stood there, just staring at him, for so long that it was like Inoo’s eyes had just told him some complicated math problem.
“Are… Are we gonna do this, or what?” Inoo finally asked, and at his voice Takaki’s whole face lit up pink, all the way to the tips of his ears. It was cute.
“I’m just--I’m nervous!” Takaki burst out. “This is weird. It’s awkward. Couldn’t you… Couldn’t you just…?”
He trailed off, giving Inoo a hopeful look, and Inoo gave a disbelieving stare back.
“This was your idea!” Inoo said. “It’s not like you’ve never kissed someone before. You can do it.”
“But you’ve kissed--kissed guys, and I haven’t. So, technically--”
“There is no ‘technically’.” Inoo couldn’t help the muted grin on his face. Playing at playful was easier than being tense. “Come on.”
Takaki took a step closer. “This is weird.” He said again.
“Yeah, usually people wait for an organic moment of romantic tension.” Inoo responded, trying to sound deadpan and amused to keep the nerves from his voice. Takaki took another step closer.
“I guess so.”
He was close enough, now, to lean in.
“Sorry.” Inoo felt the need to say. “For being…” He didn’t know how to describe his appearance, but Takaki seemed to know what he meant.
“You look pretty anyway.” He said, shrugging a little, like the words weren’t something Inoo would be replaying in his head for at least the next four days. “Besides…” He moved his arms, putting one hand on each side of Inoo’s sweater, drawing his hands in until they rested on Inoo’s waist. His hands were big, and warm, and accentuated just how large the sweater was on him. “You always look cute in baggy clothes.”
“Takaki.” Inoo wanted to sound annoyed. He came out sounding almost breathless. “Kiss me.”
Inoo saw it--a flash of nerves across Takaki’s face--but before he could say or do much else Takaki had leaned in, pressing his lips to Inoo’s. The touch was incredibly light, lasting less than a second before Takaki drew back again.
Inoo couldn’t do much more than blink at him, and Takaki glanced away, still holding onto Inoo’s waist.
“Sorry.” He muttered, and Inoo couldn’t help but giggle. Knowing just how nervous Takaki was diffused all the tension from Inoo’s chest, putting his hands on Takaki’s shoulders.
“It’s fine.” Inoo told him. “I just… I’ve had sexier kisses with my mom, probably.”
Takaki made a face. “Don’t say that.”
“This is what, an experiment?” Inoo asked. He wound his arms around Takaki’s neck, letting his hands dangle at the wrists. “You aren’t going to get anything from a kiss like that.”
He leaned in, having to tilt his chin up slightly thanks to Takaki’s height, stopping when his lips were a breath away. He almost asked for permission to close the distance, lips parting to speak, when a small, almost-whine of a sound came from somewhere in the back of Takaki’s throat. That was permission enough for Inoo, closing the gap between them.
Of all the times Inoo had imagined kissing Takaki, it had never gone quite like this. For one, Takaki always kissed him first in these fantasies, leaning down or grabbing him by the chin or dragging him in by the hand. This Takaki was soft, pliant against him, and after a beat, a breath, was kissing Inoo back.
Maybe this was it, Inoo realized, the difference that feelings made. Because he loved it, loved all of it; the feel of Takaki’s hair as he put his hands in it, the way Takaki’s fingers curled into his sweater, digging slightly into his hips to pull him that tiny bit closer. Inoo dropped his chin for the smallest of seconds, just long enough to swallow down an amount of air that would keep him from passing out, and Takaki was the one that chased his lips back. The previous hesitancy was no longer there, replaced by an ardency that had Inoo’s center of balance falling back, just a bit, with the strength of it.
Takaki didn’t let him go though, lifting a hand to the small of Inoo’s back, the slight movement in touch prompting a sharp inhale through Inoo’s nose. He’d never felt like this while being kissed before, bringing one of his hands to the side of Takaki’s neck, letting his fingertips touch Takaki’s cheek. He felt held, felt so wanting and weak-kneed and good.
Then Takaki leaned back to take a breath, and the reality of the situation came crashing back around Inoo’s shoulders. This was why he’d worn these clothes. This was why he’d wanted to do this at work, where anyone could walk in at any moment; he’d been getting carried away.
Inoo rolled back onto his heels--he’d lifted up onto the balls of his feet at some point, but couldn’t at all remember when--taking his hands off of Takaki’s face. Takaki’s hands were still clenched up in his sweater, and Inoo felt his grip slowly relax, his fingers disentangling themselves. He had a stunned sort of expression on his face, one Inoo couldn’t read, and Inoo took a full step back.
“Um.” Was all Inoo managed. What was he supposed to say? He brought a hand up to his wet mouth, wiping the bent middle joint of his index finger across his bottom lip.
“I…” Takaki said, which made Inoo relax a bit, because that wasn’t much better. He almost wanted to laugh at the awkwardness, but Takaki’s expression was a little too worried, a little too alarmed, and--afraid, almost?--for him to relax.
“Takaki--” He started, wanting just to say something, when Takaki turned tail, grabbing his bag as he did, and all but ran from the practice room.