you can say it's nothing

[thanksjapan]

i thought about it last night and today, long and hard (sort of), and i know now that if this is over before it even starts it is entirely my fault.  if i am completely alone forever and die without ever having fallen in love it is wholly and completely my own fault and no one else's.  i am just so confused when it comes to what other people are thinking-- friends, boys, etc. and that kind of fucks me over in the long run.  so anyway... this guy... for once i am actually attracted to someone and i really think i like him, and i really think we get along.  for a while i was wondering why the fuck we never touch (not never, but you know, not excessively or anywhere near an excess) and i was like "well, he must not be attracted to me" or "oh, i must be so boring and unattractive that he is growing more uninterested in me by the second" and that was that and it made me depressed and i had no idea why he was still hanging out with me other than the fact he has barely any friends here and i was just a person to fill some empty, boring space.  this could all very well be true, but the fact of the matter is is that it very well could be untrue.  it is MY fault.  i initiate nothing, i give him nothing, i give him no clues as to what i'm thinking.  i don't know what it is i expect from people but it is not reasonable.  i am ridiculous, no wonder i don't have relationships.  no wonder i'm the crazy one.  i fucking hate this shit.

i blow things with boys like it's my fucking job.