abandoned buildings
NO ONE would believe the day i just had. NO ONE. i am so fucking frustrated and pissed off. i absolutely despise living here. i hate it so badly. i fucking hate hate hate hate hate my parents and my house and school and work and my whole entire life. FUCK IT, i hate this shit. i am so desperately unhappy and hating everything. i ruin things with boys and i'll be alone forever and ever and ever i'm sure. i can't drive and for that i am retarded and have self-destructively ruined my own quality of life. home life is a mess, a total fucking disaster. i detest my parents, i can no longer respect them and i feel the absolute need to be defiant. for where i am in my life i have growing up to do, and i have accepted that fact and am ready to embrace the future rather than fear and deny it. but, i am simultaneously being forced to stay where i am, stay a fucking baby child, whlie my parents treat me like a five year old and try their hardest to deny the fact that they have an eighteen year old daughter who is now an ADULT and is not their fucking baby. thinking about last night makes me want to cry. i fucking hate everything. what a mess, what a mother fucking mess.
there are about ten thousand reasons why i want to fucking kill myself right now. i should explain the whole appalling day as a preface to this, but i'd like to get straight into what happened late last night/this morning. k, so, skipping the hoardes of previous insanity shoved down my throat by my mother, i go out with kyle last night. we go by melissa's house to see chrystal. we go to his house. we go to jack in the box. we go back to his house. it's late at this point, about two in the morning, and he's like "well you wanna just sleep over?" and i was like "fuck yes" and so we decided to wait until three when my dad got up (as to not wake the beasts known as my parents who would most definitely yell and scream if woken up) and then i'd tell him i was sleeping over at melissa's with chrystal. anyway, i call, it's a mother fucking show down. my mom's like "nina, come home right now." and this has never happened, right? i mean relatively i get to do whatever i want, seeing that i make good responsible choices all the time. so i'm like "um, what the fuck? are you joking?" and she's like "no, come home." and i'm like "it's three in the goddamn morning, mother. no one is going to want to take me home." and she's like "nina, you better get your ass home. i don't believe you're at melissa's; i think you're at kyle's house and you need to come home right now." i was like "oh my god FUCK YOU fuck you you fucking fucking crazy ass bitch." of course, i didn't say that, but i sure said it when i got off the phone. anyway, long story shortened like crazy, kyle had to take me home. 330 in the fucking morning. what a goddamn joke. coming home, i proceeded to have a disgusting, disgusting hour long talk with my IGNORANT, hard-headed fuck of a mother. basically my parents said they don't want me pregnant, blah blah blah. i was SO pissed. first of all, i'm not even having sex. i kind of WISH i was (which is another story entirely...) but i'm not, so fuck that. then we just had this ridiculous conversation about sex and boys, and my parents honestly think i'm fucking five. do you know how hard that is to deal with? as i am dealing with an inner-struggle, trying to grow up and be unafraid and come into myself as my own person, as an independant thinker, and a citizen fully responsible for myself, and my parents are simply treating me like a CHILD. oh my god, it's ridiculous. they honestly have no idea that i've ever touched a boy. my mom was trying to talk to me about emotions, about how boys will take advantage of you, about how they're only after one thing, blah blah blah. and i was just thinking "oh my fucking god, if you only knew, you insane bitch." i have no doubt i've kissed more boys than she has in her life. she doesn't fucking understand that i DO understand. i am always, ALWAYS fully aware of boys who are after one thing. it seems like for the first fucking time i have found a boy who is NOT after that... SO not after that that it's frustrating sometimes! but seriously, my mom doesn't fucking know. i have BEEN there, i UNDERSTAND my goddamn emotions. that fucking, fucking bitch. and my dad, at least he's not as bad. we sort of have a "dont ask, don't tell" relationship when it comes to boys, drugs, alcohol, shit like that. i feel like he's more understanding about my current situation than my fucking bitch mother. i fucking hate her right now, i really do. i am so fucking appalled. it's just ridiculous. like, i can't believe she expects me, as a college student, to like, not touch boys or something. and call every hour to tell her where i am. GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!!!!! i JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE RIGHT NOW, I AM BEING SOOOO HELD BACK. i am honestly being forced to be this immature, well, CHILD. i fucking hate this. i fucking hate my life. seriously, what a wreck.
ps: i am pretty sure kyle hates me anyway, or thinks i am a crazy bitch. which is fine, he is a really nice guy and he seems to deserve someone sane and not a fucking psychotic bitch like me. also he is really respectful and polite and nice. last night when he asked me to sleep over he was like "do you want me to sleep on the couch?" and i was like "umm, what the fuck?" and he's like "well i don't want you to be uncomfortable if i'm like, okay, i'm getting into bed with you." and i was seriously like WHERE AM I? WHERE DID THIS GUY COME FROM? WHAT THE FUCK? i don't know WHAT the deal is, if he just doesn't want to get physical or if he's just really respectful and concerned or if he just WANTS me to think he's really respecful and concerned or what. anyway, maybe i'm just too horny for my own good. so yeah, hate my fucking mom right now, and life is sort of a mess. you know.
there are about ten thousand reasons why i want to fucking kill myself right now. i should explain the whole appalling day as a preface to this, but i'd like to get straight into what happened late last night/this morning. k, so, skipping the hoardes of previous insanity shoved down my throat by my mother, i go out with kyle last night. we go by melissa's house to see chrystal. we go to his house. we go to jack in the box. we go back to his house. it's late at this point, about two in the morning, and he's like "well you wanna just sleep over?" and i was like "fuck yes" and so we decided to wait until three when my dad got up (as to not wake the beasts known as my parents who would most definitely yell and scream if woken up) and then i'd tell him i was sleeping over at melissa's with chrystal. anyway, i call, it's a mother fucking show down. my mom's like "nina, come home right now." and this has never happened, right? i mean relatively i get to do whatever i want, seeing that i make good responsible choices all the time. so i'm like "um, what the fuck? are you joking?" and she's like "no, come home." and i'm like "it's three in the goddamn morning, mother. no one is going to want to take me home." and she's like "nina, you better get your ass home. i don't believe you're at melissa's; i think you're at kyle's house and you need to come home right now." i was like "oh my god FUCK YOU fuck you you fucking fucking crazy ass bitch." of course, i didn't say that, but i sure said it when i got off the phone. anyway, long story shortened like crazy, kyle had to take me home. 330 in the fucking morning. what a goddamn joke. coming home, i proceeded to have a disgusting, disgusting hour long talk with my IGNORANT, hard-headed fuck of a mother. basically my parents said they don't want me pregnant, blah blah blah. i was SO pissed. first of all, i'm not even having sex. i kind of WISH i was (which is another story entirely...) but i'm not, so fuck that. then we just had this ridiculous conversation about sex and boys, and my parents honestly think i'm fucking five. do you know how hard that is to deal with? as i am dealing with an inner-struggle, trying to grow up and be unafraid and come into myself as my own person, as an independant thinker, and a citizen fully responsible for myself, and my parents are simply treating me like a CHILD. oh my god, it's ridiculous. they honestly have no idea that i've ever touched a boy. my mom was trying to talk to me about emotions, about how boys will take advantage of you, about how they're only after one thing, blah blah blah. and i was just thinking "oh my fucking god, if you only knew, you insane bitch." i have no doubt i've kissed more boys than she has in her life. she doesn't fucking understand that i DO understand. i am always, ALWAYS fully aware of boys who are after one thing. it seems like for the first fucking time i have found a boy who is NOT after that... SO not after that that it's frustrating sometimes! but seriously, my mom doesn't fucking know. i have BEEN there, i UNDERSTAND my goddamn emotions. that fucking, fucking bitch. and my dad, at least he's not as bad. we sort of have a "dont ask, don't tell" relationship when it comes to boys, drugs, alcohol, shit like that. i feel like he's more understanding about my current situation than my fucking bitch mother. i fucking hate her right now, i really do. i am so fucking appalled. it's just ridiculous. like, i can't believe she expects me, as a college student, to like, not touch boys or something. and call every hour to tell her where i am. GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!!!!! i JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE RIGHT NOW, I AM BEING SOOOO HELD BACK. i am honestly being forced to be this immature, well, CHILD. i fucking hate this. i fucking hate my life. seriously, what a wreck.
ps: i am pretty sure kyle hates me anyway, or thinks i am a crazy bitch. which is fine, he is a really nice guy and he seems to deserve someone sane and not a fucking psychotic bitch like me. also he is really respectful and polite and nice. last night when he asked me to sleep over he was like "do you want me to sleep on the couch?" and i was like "umm, what the fuck?" and he's like "well i don't want you to be uncomfortable if i'm like, okay, i'm getting into bed with you." and i was seriously like WHERE AM I? WHERE DID THIS GUY COME FROM? WHAT THE FUCK? i don't know WHAT the deal is, if he just doesn't want to get physical or if he's just really respectful and concerned or if he just WANTS me to think he's really respecful and concerned or what. anyway, maybe i'm just too horny for my own good. so yeah, hate my fucking mom right now, and life is sort of a mess. you know.