reflections on my time alone, etc.
so thomas has been in texas for his step-grandpas funeral since thursday, and i've been home alone. i'm coming up on my third week of school on monday, which is going well, i guess. i had sort of a rough week; my foul mood began last weekend and i blamed pms--it sincerely seemed like me on pms, AND i was about to start my period, so it wasn't just an excuse. i was just reallly irritable and moody and emotional--really emotional. at work last friday while straightening out the cards, i saw a new birthday card we'd gotten in that had a cute little photograph of a hamster next to a birthday cake or cupcake, or something card-y like that. i looked into that little hamster face and thought of bagel, at the thought of which my eyes welled up with tears and i bit my lip and tried for a while after that to get rid of the sorrowful lump in my throat. i had to contain myself, because in an instant, at work, i fell to tears, i would have been bawling had i been in a more appropriate situation. i felt at that moment that i could never forgive myself for bagel, for the things i could have done differently, to make his life better. i still don't know if i had any hand in bagel's death, but i can't help but feel that i did. maybe he was old when we got him, we didn't know. their life span is about three years, and we had him for 1 and a half. but the ways in which i neglected him, the way i left it up to my mom to take care of him, the way we'd all forget him in the dark garage by himself, the way sometimes i wouldn't see him for weeks or months, i'm sure. all of these are devastating facts, facts i can't forgive myself for, facts that made me think about all of my relationships and the way some are neglected. but those relationships are with people, who have the capacity to help themselves, to find people and things to comfort them. but bagel was at our mercy, caged up in our garage, sleeping in his own feces unti someone felt like cleaning his cage. it's truly tragic, and in it is a lesson to be learned. but bagel was a sweet, loving, and innocent creature, and he deserved the best for a hamster, for he was a special one. i'll never forget the way he would, from time to time, escape from his cage. the first time it happened we all felt terrible; my mom forgot to close his cage, and out he got, and he was gone. we thought we'd never see him again. but sure enough, the next morning, there he was, sleeping in his little bed, the cage door still open. he had gotten out, had some kind of adventure, survived, and come back home to bed. it was the sweetest thing i'd ever seen, and i thought he was a miracle hamster. after that it happened several more times, my favorite time being when on an adventure he had filled his cheeks with shiny purple mardi gras beads that he'd ripped up from a necklace that way laying in my backyard. upon returning to his little bed, he popped them all out of his mouth and slept in his (self-made) comfy bed of cotton and hamster stuff, surrounded by purple mardi gras beads. it was so cute, and so hilarious, and none of us could believe how wild and crazy bagel was in his free time. and then the way that when my mom would hold him, he'd be so happy, he loved her so much. he didn't love me, but seeing how much he loved my mom and how happy he was to see her and be with her made me love him a lot, because i saw that this little, tiny creature, a rodent, for god's sake, a vermin in most people's eyes, was a sentient creature who was not only capable of being, but capable of loving, and bonding. and that's why when he died alone like that, in that dark garage, neglected, forgotten... it was the most heartbreaking thing i'd heard... and felt responsible for. and it's sick to say i loved bagel and cared for him, how dare i, because i don't think i showed it once. i felt like such a crook, such an evil, sick person, that this angelic, loving creature, under our care, or, shall i say, my lack of care, had died. i don't know that i'll get over it or ever be at peace with it. i know it seems so petty, but that's the whole thing, is that it's not petty. yet his whole life i treated him as though he was, though, so i know more than anyone that it seems petty. but i knew better, i really did, but it was easy to pretend i didn't. i knew he wasn't just a brainless pest, which is how most people view rodents and things. i know, i understand that, and i now know it's not all true. bagel was a sugar sweet, loving, angel baby hamster, and he deserved the hamster world, and it just wasn't right, none of it. and it feels good to get it off my chest, but at the same time it's a shame, i'm ashamed of myself, and i'm guilty, and i hope there is a hamster heaven for bagel's sweet little spirit.
well, that was throroughly depressing, and now i'm crying, and a wreck, so maybe that rant which stabbed into my soul came out of me subconsciously to put me in this state of misery and sorrow. and why are there ants in my living room? this is just fantastic; they've already populated my kitchen, and now they're in the fucking living room. there isn't even any food in here, you fucks, get the hell out of my house. so basically, i'm spending the day alone. thomas won't be home until tomorrow. i was supposed to hang out with kristen today but i texted her and bailed on our plans. not because i didn't want to see her, but because i feel like crap. you see, thursday night was the first night i had to sleep at the apartment alone. i had gotten home from class at around 2:30 and spent until nearly 11 doing absolutely nothing. sure, i talked to chelsea and my mom on the phone briefly, but that maybe took up about 2 of the 8.5 hours i had between any social contact. in this time i did some homework, surfed the internet a little bit, sat miserable alone wondering what the hell was wrong with me, felt like going to sleep but didn't let myself because i knew i had only been oversleeping because i was (am?) depressed and didn't want to enable myself and/or my mental illnesses, spoke with chelsea on the phone for a long time and caught up with her. then she had to go to work, but she called me when her shift was over (which came as a shock, because i was sure she must've only been out on a smoking break after an hour or two of work, for i'd progressed in no way, shape, or form since we'd last spoken, as in i'd barely moved, hadn't spoken, and hardly even thought of anything at all, and was a little horrified to find otherwise) but it was really surreal because i realized six plus hours had gone by and i hadn't done shit, at all, just sat alone in literal silence in my house. i don't even have tv to distract myself, or even just to have as background noise. so it was just *silence*, and me, depressed out of my fucking mind, in such a funk, one that has culminated from many things, some that i know of, some that i don't, and one worse than any in a long while, one that had me questioning whether or not it was transient in nature. but, i am clinging to the fact that at some point that night i will not be alone, because jessica had texted me that morning wanting to hang out when she got off work at 1030, which i said was fine, and actually great, considering the fact that i was going to be alone and scared that night, and she's says that's perfect and that she'll be calling me when she gets off. well, she didn't call, but at around eleven i hear footsteps coming up the stairs, and i know it's her because i can hear her voice, and i'm praying she's just on the phone and not with scott, but alas, she is with scott, and did not even call before showing up, which is mildy socially retarded even had she not dragged along her boyfriend, who i wasn't even aware was coming, and who was, no offense but, not invited. so i'm annoyed, they stay for about an hour, scott is sick and snotting into a filthy rag, and sniffling, and coughing, and blowing his nose loudly in my bathroom and kitchen, and breathing heavily, and drinking some weird whole foods ginger juice out of one of my mugs, and i'm just horrified at this scene and visualizing his germs contaminating my apartment with every step he takes and every cough and i just can't even believe he's sitting on my couch and i'm thinking how i don't want to touch the mug he's drinking out of, which, by the way, jessica didn't even ASK if she could use, she just went for it, even though they had like a bottle full of the stuff he could've drank out of. so it's just no fun, and he makes them leave because he's tired, and, um, hello, has the freaking plague, so they go, and i'm left in an even worse state than i was before they showed up. so i wash my face and brush my teeth and get in my pjs but i don't take out my contacts because at this point i am convinced that someone will be attempting to break into my apartment that night, so i don't want to have to fumble with finding my glasses on the night stand and being blind until then as some criminal in crawling in to steal my shit and maybe kill me. and yes, this is my logic. so i proceed to attempt to burglar-proof the apartment, because, of course, double locked doors and locked windows (only one of which can even be reached without a ladder) are not enough to appease my unbridled insanity. so i wedge one of my chairs underneath the back door knob and turn the porch light on, to deter someone who wants to be sneaky about things. then, for the front door, i drag my little craft drawer set in front of it (which has a ceramic pot on top of it) and then lean my bike against that, so that if anyone were to pick the locks and get in, there would be a struggle and a loud ruckus that would wake me. so then i start on the kitchen window, which can be somewhat in reach if one is on the stairs leading to the porch. so i decide that all i can do is line up some glass cups and mugs along the window sill, along with a lid to pot and my kitchen timer, so that if someone were to break the window, they would also knock over a bunch of loud and breakable shit and there would be glass on the floor and i'd wake up. so then, i move all three of the big kitchen knives into my bedroom and put them beneath the night stand. then i get thomas's baseball bat from the closet and, no lie, put it in bed with me, under the covers and all. but before i get in bed, i make sure to leave the living room light on so that it looks like someone is awake, and then, upon seeing how eerily the blanket over some pillows on the couch looks like a person sleeping, i decide to fashion a fake person by laying my throw pillows out under a blanket and then balling up a black sweatshirt as the head, so it totally looks like a person wearing a hoodie sleeping on the couch. really though, it kind of startled me and creeped me out on several occasions. anyway, now, after all this madness, i feel all right about going to bed. so i get in bed, and i'm having trouble falling asleep because i'm feeling really anxious and unstable and paranoid and just generally wide awake. so i'm like talking to myself, and trying to calm my nerves and be rational, and i think i may have been *just* about to drift off to sleep when thomas texts me at 140 am and the phone vibration wakes me up and i'm right back where i was before. so i try to go back to sleep, and it's not working, and i look at the clock and it's 246am. so an hour has passed. so i lay back down and i try to sleep and it's just not happening even though i'm tired and out of it and all i want to do is fall asleep and the next time i look at the clock it's 337am. two hours have passed. so i lay in bed still, now praying to fall alseep, and i hear all kinds of noise outside now because i think the neighbors were having a party or something, and then i sit up in bed and i realize i'm just wide awake and this is fucking bullshit. so i say fuck it and get up and it's now about 415 am. i boil some water for tea, and choose a white lavender tea because it was caffeine free and lavender is supposed to help with relaxation, and then i do my italian homework and the reading for the next day, at 4 something in the fucking morning.. then i add a little almond milk to my tea and sip it, and just relax, and then i get back in bed at probably almost 5 and reset my alarm clock to 920 rather than 830 then eventually, i fall asleep. i don't sleep well, and i keep waking up, but i sleep. so, that fucking crazy night, i get a good maybe 4 hours of sleep and a whole lot of stress. so the next day, as in yesterday, is okay. i have vegan donuts for breakfast because jessica brought me a bag of whole foods pastries the night before, which was amazing and the only redeeming aspect of the entire visit/day. then i'm off to school and class goes fine and i have to go straight to work after school but i'm happy because i'm working with shannon and she's my only new berkeley friend as of right now. so work goes fine, shannon and i make plans to go get chinese food that night with her boyfriend kai and a couple of their friends, so i'm glad not to have to spend my time alone. so i'm at work and i'm going on, for me, basically no sleep, and all i've eaten is a fucking donut and a half and some coffee so i'm like about to crash and i know i should really get some protein. but then shannon offers to get me a bubble tea and i can't refuse because a)i love bubble tea and b)they are two for only three dollars but two fifty if you only get one, so it's just immoral to not get two for basically the price of one. so at the adorable cute bubble tea cafe we go to (which is either called moccacino or double rainbow cafe, whichever you prefer, i like double rainbow cafe but everyone else says moccacino so whatev) they sell these really good vegan cookies and of course shannon brings one of those back for us to share as well, which is sooo sweet and i'm always stoked on anything edible and vegan especially if it's sugary and bad for you but on this one particular day i'm like FUCK, i really should not have all this sugar and get some fucking protein or something because i'm running on empty. so after i drink my bubble tea and eat my half of the cookie i'm like "i'm hungry, and i need protein, so i'm gonna go get food" and shan's like "noooo save up for chinese food tonight!" and so of course that's all the convincing i needed to pig out on chinese later. so we go with her and kai and their friends/roomate/neighbor sanjeev and alex and i get some really good chow mein and tofu and eggplant and we all go back to their apartment and play ouija and scattergories and drink pina coladas with their other friends david and christian and i'm there until like two in the morning and decide i'd rather sleep at home than on their couch so i crash at like 230 am and wake up at... fucking... 940. so i'm half dead today and soooo tired from getting only 11 hours of sleep in two nights (which is usually one night for me) and i woke up with raging allergies today and took an allertec and it is only now beginning to help but for a while it wasn't so i was convinced i was getting sick and i just feel so tired and shitty and i ate leftover chinese and donuts for breakfast today so i'm not only stuffed with unhealthy food but i feel like utter shit. so yeah, that's that, and i'm tired of writing and didn't get to anything meaningful while i wasn't tired of writing so i'm off and good day.
well, that was throroughly depressing, and now i'm crying, and a wreck, so maybe that rant which stabbed into my soul came out of me subconsciously to put me in this state of misery and sorrow. and why are there ants in my living room? this is just fantastic; they've already populated my kitchen, and now they're in the fucking living room. there isn't even any food in here, you fucks, get the hell out of my house. so basically, i'm spending the day alone. thomas won't be home until tomorrow. i was supposed to hang out with kristen today but i texted her and bailed on our plans. not because i didn't want to see her, but because i feel like crap. you see, thursday night was the first night i had to sleep at the apartment alone. i had gotten home from class at around 2:30 and spent until nearly 11 doing absolutely nothing. sure, i talked to chelsea and my mom on the phone briefly, but that maybe took up about 2 of the 8.5 hours i had between any social contact. in this time i did some homework, surfed the internet a little bit, sat miserable alone wondering what the hell was wrong with me, felt like going to sleep but didn't let myself because i knew i had only been oversleeping because i was (am?) depressed and didn't want to enable myself and/or my mental illnesses, spoke with chelsea on the phone for a long time and caught up with her. then she had to go to work, but she called me when her shift was over (which came as a shock, because i was sure she must've only been out on a smoking break after an hour or two of work, for i'd progressed in no way, shape, or form since we'd last spoken, as in i'd barely moved, hadn't spoken, and hardly even thought of anything at all, and was a little horrified to find otherwise) but it was really surreal because i realized six plus hours had gone by and i hadn't done shit, at all, just sat alone in literal silence in my house. i don't even have tv to distract myself, or even just to have as background noise. so it was just *silence*, and me, depressed out of my fucking mind, in such a funk, one that has culminated from many things, some that i know of, some that i don't, and one worse than any in a long while, one that had me questioning whether or not it was transient in nature. but, i am clinging to the fact that at some point that night i will not be alone, because jessica had texted me that morning wanting to hang out when she got off work at 1030, which i said was fine, and actually great, considering the fact that i was going to be alone and scared that night, and she's says that's perfect and that she'll be calling me when she gets off. well, she didn't call, but at around eleven i hear footsteps coming up the stairs, and i know it's her because i can hear her voice, and i'm praying she's just on the phone and not with scott, but alas, she is with scott, and did not even call before showing up, which is mildy socially retarded even had she not dragged along her boyfriend, who i wasn't even aware was coming, and who was, no offense but, not invited. so i'm annoyed, they stay for about an hour, scott is sick and snotting into a filthy rag, and sniffling, and coughing, and blowing his nose loudly in my bathroom and kitchen, and breathing heavily, and drinking some weird whole foods ginger juice out of one of my mugs, and i'm just horrified at this scene and visualizing his germs contaminating my apartment with every step he takes and every cough and i just can't even believe he's sitting on my couch and i'm thinking how i don't want to touch the mug he's drinking out of, which, by the way, jessica didn't even ASK if she could use, she just went for it, even though they had like a bottle full of the stuff he could've drank out of. so it's just no fun, and he makes them leave because he's tired, and, um, hello, has the freaking plague, so they go, and i'm left in an even worse state than i was before they showed up. so i wash my face and brush my teeth and get in my pjs but i don't take out my contacts because at this point i am convinced that someone will be attempting to break into my apartment that night, so i don't want to have to fumble with finding my glasses on the night stand and being blind until then as some criminal in crawling in to steal my shit and maybe kill me. and yes, this is my logic. so i proceed to attempt to burglar-proof the apartment, because, of course, double locked doors and locked windows (only one of which can even be reached without a ladder) are not enough to appease my unbridled insanity. so i wedge one of my chairs underneath the back door knob and turn the porch light on, to deter someone who wants to be sneaky about things. then, for the front door, i drag my little craft drawer set in front of it (which has a ceramic pot on top of it) and then lean my bike against that, so that if anyone were to pick the locks and get in, there would be a struggle and a loud ruckus that would wake me. so then i start on the kitchen window, which can be somewhat in reach if one is on the stairs leading to the porch. so i decide that all i can do is line up some glass cups and mugs along the window sill, along with a lid to pot and my kitchen timer, so that if someone were to break the window, they would also knock over a bunch of loud and breakable shit and there would be glass on the floor and i'd wake up. so then, i move all three of the big kitchen knives into my bedroom and put them beneath the night stand. then i get thomas's baseball bat from the closet and, no lie, put it in bed with me, under the covers and all. but before i get in bed, i make sure to leave the living room light on so that it looks like someone is awake, and then, upon seeing how eerily the blanket over some pillows on the couch looks like a person sleeping, i decide to fashion a fake person by laying my throw pillows out under a blanket and then balling up a black sweatshirt as the head, so it totally looks like a person wearing a hoodie sleeping on the couch. really though, it kind of startled me and creeped me out on several occasions. anyway, now, after all this madness, i feel all right about going to bed. so i get in bed, and i'm having trouble falling asleep because i'm feeling really anxious and unstable and paranoid and just generally wide awake. so i'm like talking to myself, and trying to calm my nerves and be rational, and i think i may have been *just* about to drift off to sleep when thomas texts me at 140 am and the phone vibration wakes me up and i'm right back where i was before. so i try to go back to sleep, and it's not working, and i look at the clock and it's 246am. so an hour has passed. so i lay back down and i try to sleep and it's just not happening even though i'm tired and out of it and all i want to do is fall asleep and the next time i look at the clock it's 337am. two hours have passed. so i lay in bed still, now praying to fall alseep, and i hear all kinds of noise outside now because i think the neighbors were having a party or something, and then i sit up in bed and i realize i'm just wide awake and this is fucking bullshit. so i say fuck it and get up and it's now about 415 am. i boil some water for tea, and choose a white lavender tea because it was caffeine free and lavender is supposed to help with relaxation, and then i do my italian homework and the reading for the next day, at 4 something in the fucking morning.. then i add a little almond milk to my tea and sip it, and just relax, and then i get back in bed at probably almost 5 and reset my alarm clock to 920 rather than 830 then eventually, i fall asleep. i don't sleep well, and i keep waking up, but i sleep. so, that fucking crazy night, i get a good maybe 4 hours of sleep and a whole lot of stress. so the next day, as in yesterday, is okay. i have vegan donuts for breakfast because jessica brought me a bag of whole foods pastries the night before, which was amazing and the only redeeming aspect of the entire visit/day. then i'm off to school and class goes fine and i have to go straight to work after school but i'm happy because i'm working with shannon and she's my only new berkeley friend as of right now. so work goes fine, shannon and i make plans to go get chinese food that night with her boyfriend kai and a couple of their friends, so i'm glad not to have to spend my time alone. so i'm at work and i'm going on, for me, basically no sleep, and all i've eaten is a fucking donut and a half and some coffee so i'm like about to crash and i know i should really get some protein. but then shannon offers to get me a bubble tea and i can't refuse because a)i love bubble tea and b)they are two for only three dollars but two fifty if you only get one, so it's just immoral to not get two for basically the price of one. so at the adorable cute bubble tea cafe we go to (which is either called moccacino or double rainbow cafe, whichever you prefer, i like double rainbow cafe but everyone else says moccacino so whatev) they sell these really good vegan cookies and of course shannon brings one of those back for us to share as well, which is sooo sweet and i'm always stoked on anything edible and vegan especially if it's sugary and bad for you but on this one particular day i'm like FUCK, i really should not have all this sugar and get some fucking protein or something because i'm running on empty. so after i drink my bubble tea and eat my half of the cookie i'm like "i'm hungry, and i need protein, so i'm gonna go get food" and shan's like "noooo save up for chinese food tonight!" and so of course that's all the convincing i needed to pig out on chinese later. so we go with her and kai and their friends/roomate/neighbor sanjeev and alex and i get some really good chow mein and tofu and eggplant and we all go back to their apartment and play ouija and scattergories and drink pina coladas with their other friends david and christian and i'm there until like two in the morning and decide i'd rather sleep at home than on their couch so i crash at like 230 am and wake up at... fucking... 940. so i'm half dead today and soooo tired from getting only 11 hours of sleep in two nights (which is usually one night for me) and i woke up with raging allergies today and took an allertec and it is only now beginning to help but for a while it wasn't so i was convinced i was getting sick and i just feel so tired and shitty and i ate leftover chinese and donuts for breakfast today so i'm not only stuffed with unhealthy food but i feel like utter shit. so yeah, that's that, and i'm tired of writing and didn't get to anything meaningful while i wasn't tired of writing so i'm off and good day.