(no subject)
i'm posting on livejournal. how sad.
but i feel like it.
well i finally got the rest of the songs on the Joshua Radin album, and they are of course amazing. this will mark year number four of ALMOST going to Coachella. haha.
i still go back and forth between feeling like Holyoke would be THE school, and then Pepperdine... and now i'm thinking about EL as well... i just want to make the right choice. for the right reasons. but my heart keeps confusing me as to what the right reasons are.
i like bubbly water a lot.
i know this sounds weak, but i want someone to hold my hand during my doctor's appointments.
i don't go with my parents anymore because having them there makes it worse, but honestly, the experiences are just awful. i get there and i'm scared, of the results, of the consequences, of reality. and then i have to sit there in an empty room and wait for my results. i thought i was going to be sick today. and then the nurse or doctor or clinic director walks in and i get the disbelief, anger, or pity and concern just shining out of their eyes. and i have to hold it all together and smile and them or feign indifference and listen as they re-itirate what they mean, how bad they are, or if they're particularly kind, how i just have to keep trying. but i have to hold it together so that i can get out of there ASAP. and then there's the awful few mintues in the parking lot after where it all hits me, and it's all too real. then i guess i drift back into denial.
honestly, this all feels so overplayed. it is so overplayed. i'm so over it. i'm so over all of it. but that doens't make it go away.
wish you were here. wish i knew you.
but i feel like it.
well i finally got the rest of the songs on the Joshua Radin album, and they are of course amazing. this will mark year number four of ALMOST going to Coachella. haha.
i still go back and forth between feeling like Holyoke would be THE school, and then Pepperdine... and now i'm thinking about EL as well... i just want to make the right choice. for the right reasons. but my heart keeps confusing me as to what the right reasons are.
i like bubbly water a lot.
i know this sounds weak, but i want someone to hold my hand during my doctor's appointments.
i don't go with my parents anymore because having them there makes it worse, but honestly, the experiences are just awful. i get there and i'm scared, of the results, of the consequences, of reality. and then i have to sit there in an empty room and wait for my results. i thought i was going to be sick today. and then the nurse or doctor or clinic director walks in and i get the disbelief, anger, or pity and concern just shining out of their eyes. and i have to hold it all together and smile and them or feign indifference and listen as they re-itirate what they mean, how bad they are, or if they're particularly kind, how i just have to keep trying. but i have to hold it together so that i can get out of there ASAP. and then there's the awful few mintues in the parking lot after where it all hits me, and it's all too real. then i guess i drift back into denial.
honestly, this all feels so overplayed. it is so overplayed. i'm so over it. i'm so over all of it. but that doens't make it go away.
wish you were here. wish i knew you.