Your Location Has Been Confirmed.
Wow. I seriously cannot believe this is the month we call December. I suppose it makes sense once I contemplate it's placement, for it's empty syllables (quite fittingly) label the period of my habitat's deepest winter, and of course I have never(and never could) drawn any warmth from it. As a former poet of sorts, (an artist, if it is to mask my insufficient mess of a mind)I must say that though creativity and the ability to be inspired in a way that has totality was once the truest sum of my life when speaking in values to be applied to social acceptance, I now am a slobby, flabby dumbed down animal reaching into and giving nothing, and receiving too much of all that is lethal to what is no longer self. This is an editor's fucking nightmare. The "run-on sentence" is my specialty take it or leave it. I used to love this site so much. I deeply hold it's purpose as close to my heart as possible for the simple fact that no matter where I am, there is a record of where I was at any given time. I can always come home no matter how far I go and visit myself whether welcome or not, even if it is in a public library. Alas, so can everyone else. LOL. I really haven't wrote in such a long period of time but the forever hungry cyclone in my head ripped away all chances of owning one of these rather expensive machines that allows me my true fortunes. Duh asshole. Can't kick myself in the ass enough. I would rather a computer than a car because hey, I don't need to go anywhere when I have friends and computer and a bus full of people who would shoot if they knew how I spend (or should I say spent) my money. 5,000 dollars people, count them in vain because they are gone and though I somewhat know how, I just can't figure out why. Which is the beginning of a cycle I am more than fearful of. Feeling sick before the onset of an unknown virus may border hypochondria in all reality, but to me it is the silent signal for help that only my eyes identify. OH WHAT A WORLD. My few wonderfully absent friends have all in a nutshell (and in some instances in the same words) told me that my journal entries are much too long, and they try to care but just can't enough to get to the bottom of the page. So guess what? I never had a fighting chance. I am one of the single most alienated individuals in my life as far as I can see, and for the life of me, I can not figure out my responsibility in it enough to make any changes. I thought at first it was because I was so fucking "different" and that because I wore my feelings of abandonment on my sleeves, people ran like hell in the opposite direction. Quote from a long ago zodiac analysis "No one likes a wet blanket". So I changed it. Got into the mind-frame that people aren't so bad, they just need to be given CHANCES to care and REASONS other than "I am human and deserving of acceptance and love". I became more accommodating than before, (not a people pleaser but a compromiser in situations where I once so unforgivingly might have stood for a ground I couldn't possible grasp in any real sense)more gentle around the edges, softer to the sense of sight in others, my approachable in my demeanor. Oh boy did it work! I got myself a motherfucking job I enjoyed! A place to call work that I didn't run from all to myself. I began to have conversations in the lines to registers in the stores that I shopped at ( which until a certain point this act was a marvel to me since it was not an occurrence in my life), I began to make networks to people who would invite me into social situations again for whatever reasons and my family began to compliment my new appearances and want to borrow my fucking clothes and shop where I was shopping and take me to meet their friends and co-workers and acknowledge me as a bit more acceptable. Not such a large sacrifice after all huh? Great! Now I find myself social life somewhat satisfying. BUT... I forfeited the guts of the evolution that was I. The pain the pleasure of existing as a beautiful though sometimes slightly disturbed woman experiencing life from a stand point that made waking up every day enticing even if in the end disappointing. I even miss not wanting to get up and hating myself for doing so anyway because there was a sense of some type of rapture with every sensation of the hell hole I was living in. In theory I guess you can say I don't feel anymore. The beautiful woe and despair, the rejoice of the surprise when things go right, if even for a moment is gone. The outlets of my abusive past diminished now I have thrown it all inside to present this new "have it all together chick" who is always reliable and always in the now. I am nothing inside at any given moment.
However, I am everything plus experience some where I am now trying to reach because in the end this lifestyle is what hopefully will be chalked up to a mistake and I will come away as sensuous and deeply formatted as before yet no where near as desperate and volatile. I am left with a uncertain path which would normally be exciting except I am a bit more cynical and a little less bright eyed and with so many new all grown up problems. Start from the inside, start from the inside, start from the inside. I shoulda coulda and man I woulda if I had only known. Perhaps my experiences to date with this new image will afford me an route that will leave me with a bit less damage than in the forehand. But now I am FAT, having grown about 5 sizes in any direction, abusive in tongue and hand to anyone and everything that does not fit into a certain routine (ooo my mother!) and I have what?!!! ACNE of all fucking things. May sound minuet, but gathered together with the problems inside and trying to keep that from leaking out, I would say I have got on hell of a mess on my plate. Plus I am beginning to be rather stressed out again. I am getting tired and my hands are hurting. This is what has happened roughly between March 2004 and now and mostly between July 2005 and now. If you love me, thanx and if you don't... don't let me know. I don't want to. Let's keep the void of demonstration minus communication between us until I get to the point where I couldn't possibly care anyways. Julie, hopefully you will someday read this because though I am sick to death of your implications of me having it all together and looking down on you, I know that it is not your fault. Let's get together sometime and you can help me torch this persona since you obviously hate it almost as much as me. And by the way, you say you sometimes can't see the brighter points of you, so I would like to take this opportunity to say: Look at that you caw it for what it was worth. What I appear to be is not what I am and you are right though you have yet to say it and I love you for having the mind to do it any way that you have. Peace to all and a very Merry um (cough cough) December. I'm out.
ONE MORE THING:
Has our president finally grasped the reality that he is NOT in control of anybody else? My God those men have been over there for a certain lifetime and as much as my heart is breaking for them and everyone affected (which would be the entire of population of Earth that has any sort of communication) I know those in extremely direct relation to the issue are absolutely dying inside. We only have one life to live and what a bullshit occurrence has this been for a lesson. GOD BLESS.
However, I am everything plus experience some where I am now trying to reach because in the end this lifestyle is what hopefully will be chalked up to a mistake and I will come away as sensuous and deeply formatted as before yet no where near as desperate and volatile. I am left with a uncertain path which would normally be exciting except I am a bit more cynical and a little less bright eyed and with so many new all grown up problems. Start from the inside, start from the inside, start from the inside. I shoulda coulda and man I woulda if I had only known. Perhaps my experiences to date with this new image will afford me an route that will leave me with a bit less damage than in the forehand. But now I am FAT, having grown about 5 sizes in any direction, abusive in tongue and hand to anyone and everything that does not fit into a certain routine (ooo my mother!) and I have what?!!! ACNE of all fucking things. May sound minuet, but gathered together with the problems inside and trying to keep that from leaking out, I would say I have got on hell of a mess on my plate. Plus I am beginning to be rather stressed out again. I am getting tired and my hands are hurting. This is what has happened roughly between March 2004 and now and mostly between July 2005 and now. If you love me, thanx and if you don't... don't let me know. I don't want to. Let's keep the void of demonstration minus communication between us until I get to the point where I couldn't possibly care anyways. Julie, hopefully you will someday read this because though I am sick to death of your implications of me having it all together and looking down on you, I know that it is not your fault. Let's get together sometime and you can help me torch this persona since you obviously hate it almost as much as me. And by the way, you say you sometimes can't see the brighter points of you, so I would like to take this opportunity to say: Look at that you caw it for what it was worth. What I appear to be is not what I am and you are right though you have yet to say it and I love you for having the mind to do it any way that you have. Peace to all and a very Merry um (cough cough) December. I'm out.
ONE MORE THING:
Has our president finally grasped the reality that he is NOT in control of anybody else? My God those men have been over there for a certain lifetime and as much as my heart is breaking for them and everyone affected (which would be the entire of population of Earth that has any sort of communication) I know those in extremely direct relation to the issue are absolutely dying inside. We only have one life to live and what a bullshit occurrence has this been for a lesson. GOD BLESS.