This is Bullshit!
I need to be in bed. Really. I went out shopping yesterday around four and I got back around 11:30 and I am still up. I was looking at these other peoples journals. Trying to fight my way into a journal that wouldn't let me in but used to and wondering what this means...hmmm...peculiar... This is such bullshit seriously. I can type until he tips of my fucking fingers bleed but nothing will change. How can you be friends with people that are boring. Sure. I am one boring motherfucker. Seriously. To the mass majority, please don't hang out with me, it is a complete waste of your time, which is really a huge waste of my time, and I just don't like that game. I need to take my ass to sleep. I went out to Bardstown Road and I hated every minute of it, like my past flashing before my eyes, probably need to get that shit checked out, laid in bed yesterday morning lost in memories of my ex-soul pumping his (MINE DAMMIT) cock into my best friend, and couldn't even fathom moving or doing anything that resembled lving, or breathing, so lost in the image of his piece wandering into that nasty bitch, and I'm wondering to myself, can three years really be enough time to get over anger or is it just enough time to get to the revenge stage, cuz I am just now creeping along. If you haven't got it by now, my authentic self is truly buried beneath everybody else's fucking dirty laundry, and if I don't fucking blow and demolish the duplicate existence of mine, I might as well slash my fucking wrist and be done with it. Used to think of the most beautiful ways to die when I was younger, wrote them all down on napkins and such while in cars or at work and saved them in the cardboard avon box in the basement, never to be seen until I figure something (anything) out. Realize it has been probably six months since I actually wrote, and before Matt and his destruction I wrote more than 10 pages a day and that is not even an exaggeration, (bitch, look at my journal!). I miss Ryan something awful but I am trying not to, because he doesn't treat me well, and as far as I am concerned, I have completely abased myself and my demand for respect for him since I trol-la-la-la-d over to his house one cold December night and fucked him, and fell with him, and made no prior demands. Oh yeah, my non-existent audience, I told him half of how I feel about him after all of these years, and then I let him take me to his bed, and tear me up, where did he learn THAT? Ha. Yeah, can't respect a girl like that, wouldn't be half bad if his mother hadn't came over the next day and found my abandoned bra and decided to be nice and wash it for me, still haven't got that motherfucker back. Not that it fits anymore. My tits are growing at the speed of sound and it is completely ridiculous. Okay here is the boob history: 5th grade- b-c cup, okay, 9th grade, working into a d cup - 11th grade uh oh DD cup, all proud of my girls, and then hey graduation and my tits are celebrating with a whole cup expansion. Now I am in a EE and I can't find any bras and my back kills me, I can't find the pills to make me happy, can't find a bra, to attempt to normalize the looks of my overgrown breasts. "Get a reduction blah blah blah." Have you ever seen how they do that shit? They remove your nipple and cut the breast into fours, and when they are finished they attach everything back together and sew the nipple back on. Sounds like making ravioli from scratch to me, and I don't want crooked nipples and I kinda like my boobies, even though they are all men see. Go figure how they proportion out with my body but they do and it actually looks quite nice if I say so, my stomach and thighs have gotten completely out of hand. Notice that I am babbling incessantly? I don't do anything! I rarely go anywhere. I don't have any friends, except Julie and she has been playing a new Julie game. It's called "I Never Said That" . This is how it goes. she calls me (or I call her doesn't matter) and says, hey let's do something on such and such day. The other one is like aight cool, later. Then when that day arrives and she is either late or you call to confirm (after getting dressed or cleaning up the house for company), she says "I Never Said That". In the context of , I never said I would hang out with you today, or tomorrow, or at that time, and it is like oh otey, I'm desperate and crazy enough to repeatedly make make up plans with her. She apologizes, but something in her tone has changed, she is my Julie anymore and its okay cuz uh oh, I knew it, knew it. Not shocked about that one. I think Imma put some of my songs I wrote not too too long ago on here, and if anyone does read this, (yeah right), comment let me know whats up.