(no subject)
I'm beginning to think I need to either move away, like...FAR away, or get some therapy for this. I can't let go of Ashley.
The recent series of events was this: I emailed her to say Happy birthday. That's all it said:
"Happy Birthday. :)
Rachel"
That's it, nothing else. I got an email back a few weeks later, and we were talking again...but they were dotted with little snips at each other: "I can't believe you deleted my number, lol" and "I thought you hated me (sometimes I'm still not convinced you don't), so yeah I deleted it." And so on. But we were talking, and it lated through three or four emails. She said she would show up at practice on Thursday with her girlfriend and her dog. Yeah, she showed up on Tuesday instead and I about had a heart attack. Fallon is not practicing because of a pinched nerve, so she was sitting on the sidelines watching. She struck up a conversation with Ashley to try to smooth things over. They got along, and I was shocked when I actually heard them laughing. I made a point to say bye to Ash before we left, and she said "Yeah, Fallon's pretty cool." Ashley came to the match this past saturday and we sat with a little group of the ladies sort of near each other. Part of the time Fallon was in a chair a few feet up the hill, and part of it she was in my lap. During the rest of the men's rugby match, Ashley and her girlfriend got into a fight, discussions were had, Fallon and I got uncomfortable, and decided not to go to the bar after the match.
Since then, Fal and I have had many discussion about Ashley. No matter how much I talk about it to how many different people, I get no answers. Ashley doesn't even give me answers. All she says is "Rachel, I don't hate you. I just believe we see things differently." Yet, for some reason, I can't just let it go and ignore her, or just deal with her when she wants to deal with me.
I don't know what she wants from me. Fallon thinks she's still in love with me, and she still wants me, and she's jealous that I've moved on. She thinks that Ashley is insecure, and that's why she has a problem with cheating. Ash mentioned to the team saturday that "Nicole is the first girlfriend I've had who I haven't cheated on in two months, and that's a big deal for me!" It was Fallon's thought that she said this right when I was nearby, so that I would hear it and it would hurt me, because she thinks I hurt her by refusing her after the third time she left me. I can see this...but I also don't want to assume that's it. I mean, for all I know she just doesn't care about me anymore. For all I know she's completely moved on and that's why she is so hot and cold with me, she just doesn't care.
I just can't see how love could be the center of all this. If she wanted me to love her, she wouldn't have left me the first time, let alone the second or third. I loved her as I love anyone I'm with, completely and totally. I adored her, I thought she was good looking (I still do), she was nice, sweet, funny, and all that stuff. If she wanted love I don't know what else I could have given her. I loved her. Period. What else does she want from me? Fallon thinks she still wants love, that her cheating on her girlfriends is from the insecurity, like the more people she's with at one time, the better she feels about herself.
I just don't know what to do with her. I want her in my life. I love her too much to shut her out of it, but she just won't come back in. I don't want her sa my girlfriend. Fallon is my mate, period end of story. She's who I want. I just want Ash and I to be friends, it doesn't even have to be good friends, though I would love that. It tears me up. I get sick when I think about talking t her and am a total wreck when I get an email or when she talks to me in person. The emails are worse than in person though. When we email, my stomach twists up and I feel nauseous, and I'm so anxious about getting another email that I check about once a minute, and I break into a cold sweat. When we talk in person I'm just nervous and maybe a bit too excited.
Something is seriously fucked up with this relationship and I don't know what it is or what to do about it. It's tearing me up and makes me sick...
The recent series of events was this: I emailed her to say Happy birthday. That's all it said:
"Happy Birthday. :)
Rachel"
That's it, nothing else. I got an email back a few weeks later, and we were talking again...but they were dotted with little snips at each other: "I can't believe you deleted my number, lol" and "I thought you hated me (sometimes I'm still not convinced you don't), so yeah I deleted it." And so on. But we were talking, and it lated through three or four emails. She said she would show up at practice on Thursday with her girlfriend and her dog. Yeah, she showed up on Tuesday instead and I about had a heart attack. Fallon is not practicing because of a pinched nerve, so she was sitting on the sidelines watching. She struck up a conversation with Ashley to try to smooth things over. They got along, and I was shocked when I actually heard them laughing. I made a point to say bye to Ash before we left, and she said "Yeah, Fallon's pretty cool." Ashley came to the match this past saturday and we sat with a little group of the ladies sort of near each other. Part of the time Fallon was in a chair a few feet up the hill, and part of it she was in my lap. During the rest of the men's rugby match, Ashley and her girlfriend got into a fight, discussions were had, Fallon and I got uncomfortable, and decided not to go to the bar after the match.
Since then, Fal and I have had many discussion about Ashley. No matter how much I talk about it to how many different people, I get no answers. Ashley doesn't even give me answers. All she says is "Rachel, I don't hate you. I just believe we see things differently." Yet, for some reason, I can't just let it go and ignore her, or just deal with her when she wants to deal with me.
I don't know what she wants from me. Fallon thinks she's still in love with me, and she still wants me, and she's jealous that I've moved on. She thinks that Ashley is insecure, and that's why she has a problem with cheating. Ash mentioned to the team saturday that "Nicole is the first girlfriend I've had who I haven't cheated on in two months, and that's a big deal for me!" It was Fallon's thought that she said this right when I was nearby, so that I would hear it and it would hurt me, because she thinks I hurt her by refusing her after the third time she left me. I can see this...but I also don't want to assume that's it. I mean, for all I know she just doesn't care about me anymore. For all I know she's completely moved on and that's why she is so hot and cold with me, she just doesn't care.
I just can't see how love could be the center of all this. If she wanted me to love her, she wouldn't have left me the first time, let alone the second or third. I loved her as I love anyone I'm with, completely and totally. I adored her, I thought she was good looking (I still do), she was nice, sweet, funny, and all that stuff. If she wanted love I don't know what else I could have given her. I loved her. Period. What else does she want from me? Fallon thinks she still wants love, that her cheating on her girlfriends is from the insecurity, like the more people she's with at one time, the better she feels about herself.
I just don't know what to do with her. I want her in my life. I love her too much to shut her out of it, but she just won't come back in. I don't want her sa my girlfriend. Fallon is my mate, period end of story. She's who I want. I just want Ash and I to be friends, it doesn't even have to be good friends, though I would love that. It tears me up. I get sick when I think about talking t her and am a total wreck when I get an email or when she talks to me in person. The emails are worse than in person though. When we email, my stomach twists up and I feel nauseous, and I'm so anxious about getting another email that I check about once a minute, and I break into a cold sweat. When we talk in person I'm just nervous and maybe a bit too excited.
Something is seriously fucked up with this relationship and I don't know what it is or what to do about it. It's tearing me up and makes me sick...