It's been a long time.
Okay, so I know it's been six months since I last posted, or something like that, but I've been using facebook mostly when I write a note, and I haven't been writing those very often either. At the moment though, I need to get something out and I don't want to do it on facebook because I don't know how to limit which friends can read my notes (if that's possible) and I don't want everyone on my friends list to read this rant.
I have a problem and maybe it's only because it's after 1am and I'm upset, but I'm thinking that I should start seeing a psychologist to fix whatever is wrong with me.
I don't know what to call this, Stockholm's syndrome or what, but no matter how many times someone hurts me, I can't seem to leave it completely alone. Most people I know, after being screwed over a couple of times, can say "Fuck you, I don't care about you anymore and I don't want you in my life. Period." And that's the end of it. I can't do that though. I think I'm actually incapable of doing it. If someone leaves my life, it's because they chose to and took any choice in the matter away from me. If they don't make the decision for me, or if the decision is left up to me, no matter what I keep them in my life in some fashion, or at least leave a window cracked, if not open, even if I don't want to. Even if I know that it would be better for my emotional health if I just completely shut the house up, barred the windows and doors, and dug a moat to keep them away, I still don't do it, I still leave a window cracked.
I'm not going to say who I'm talking about, but it is a specific person. Those of you whom I've talked to about her know who she is without a doubt, and for those who don't know, it doesn't really matter.
She's lied to me repeatedly and to my face. I know this. She has cheated on me emotionally, even if not physically. I know this. She has used me. I know this. She has treated me like a toy to hold and love then toss aside when she is done pretending. I know this. She has made promise upon promise, then broken it. I know this.
She has done me some good. She has taught me to be stronger, to see good in myself, she has taught me to love myself and see my own worth. For that I am eternally thankful.
But if all she has continued to do is hurt me, use me, lie to me, and abuse me, then why can't I tell her to fuck off? Why can't I tell her I never want to speak to her again? Why--when the thought of her makes me physically sick, almost enough to throw up--why do I still contact her to try to clean things up, so we can at least treat each other indifferently for the sake of others? Why does it matter? Why does she matter? She shouldn't, I obviously don't matter to her. She obviously doesn't give a damn about what she does to me or how she hurts me, so why should I give a damn about her?
I think I have a serious mental problem. I have an inability to push people away even when they abuse me. I see the good in them and still hold on to the hope that eventually they will change their ways, see their wrongs, correct their mistakes. I don't like the idea of the death penalty because I don't like the idea that a person will not be given the opportunity to change.
Part of me still loves who I know she could be, but I know, at least in my head, that she isn't going to be that person for me. Maybe for someone else, but not me. She only was with me because it was convenient. As soon as she was out of my sight, she had nothing to hold her there with me, there was no loyalty, there was no incentive to stay faithful. Not that I didn't give her any. I think undying loyalty and love are more than enough. She just didn't care.
My problem is that I can't tell her to fuck off. I can say it to myself, that I'm better off without her, but I can't actually cut the tie.
I have a problem and maybe it's only because it's after 1am and I'm upset, but I'm thinking that I should start seeing a psychologist to fix whatever is wrong with me.
I don't know what to call this, Stockholm's syndrome or what, but no matter how many times someone hurts me, I can't seem to leave it completely alone. Most people I know, after being screwed over a couple of times, can say "Fuck you, I don't care about you anymore and I don't want you in my life. Period." And that's the end of it. I can't do that though. I think I'm actually incapable of doing it. If someone leaves my life, it's because they chose to and took any choice in the matter away from me. If they don't make the decision for me, or if the decision is left up to me, no matter what I keep them in my life in some fashion, or at least leave a window cracked, if not open, even if I don't want to. Even if I know that it would be better for my emotional health if I just completely shut the house up, barred the windows and doors, and dug a moat to keep them away, I still don't do it, I still leave a window cracked.
I'm not going to say who I'm talking about, but it is a specific person. Those of you whom I've talked to about her know who she is without a doubt, and for those who don't know, it doesn't really matter.
She's lied to me repeatedly and to my face. I know this. She has cheated on me emotionally, even if not physically. I know this. She has used me. I know this. She has treated me like a toy to hold and love then toss aside when she is done pretending. I know this. She has made promise upon promise, then broken it. I know this.
She has done me some good. She has taught me to be stronger, to see good in myself, she has taught me to love myself and see my own worth. For that I am eternally thankful.
But if all she has continued to do is hurt me, use me, lie to me, and abuse me, then why can't I tell her to fuck off? Why can't I tell her I never want to speak to her again? Why--when the thought of her makes me physically sick, almost enough to throw up--why do I still contact her to try to clean things up, so we can at least treat each other indifferently for the sake of others? Why does it matter? Why does she matter? She shouldn't, I obviously don't matter to her. She obviously doesn't give a damn about what she does to me or how she hurts me, so why should I give a damn about her?
I think I have a serious mental problem. I have an inability to push people away even when they abuse me. I see the good in them and still hold on to the hope that eventually they will change their ways, see their wrongs, correct their mistakes. I don't like the idea of the death penalty because I don't like the idea that a person will not be given the opportunity to change.
Part of me still loves who I know she could be, but I know, at least in my head, that she isn't going to be that person for me. Maybe for someone else, but not me. She only was with me because it was convenient. As soon as she was out of my sight, she had nothing to hold her there with me, there was no loyalty, there was no incentive to stay faithful. Not that I didn't give her any. I think undying loyalty and love are more than enough. She just didn't care.
My problem is that I can't tell her to fuck off. I can say it to myself, that I'm better off without her, but I can't actually cut the tie.