Hemligheter?
I am going to write something horribly honest and hurtful now and I have decided not to care about who reads it, which is a very easy thing to do since the only one who I actually know that'll read this knows me well enough to see that this is something I need to do. And hopefully he will know that there is no need to worry.
My family is driving me slightly mad. My mum said some things to my nan and I think that she's regretting it now but she is too stubborn to say so. I know how it feels. I say many evil things about others... So many. I don't mean them in a bad way, I'm mostly joking but I think that I do it because I am jealous of something in this person as well. I am trying to do better and I believe I am. I just need a good punch in the head every now and then.
My stepdad can hurt me like no one else and I can't figure out why he is the one who can make me cry just by saying one little thing. It hurts me endlessly and I would like nothing more than for it to stop.
Being back in the place where I spent so many years is hard. I have no friends left, no real ones. So far I have met one person outside my family in the 1½ weeks I have been in Sweden. And I wouldn't have seen her if I hadn't been the one to call her. I called my A several times, texted her and even wrote her an email and she never did anything back, not until she found a christmas present in her mail box today. The other two I have contacted are ok... Or not really... One of them is understandable as she is as she always is and I don't hold it against her but him... He said he'd call and never did. Sure he's in "a tough place" right now but I thought that meant that you needed your friends more than otherwise.
The best parts about being home is being able to call Lotta and to see my sister. Seeing my sister makes me feel guilty and bad about not being here for her. I fear that she will grow up with the same kind of hatred towards me as what I felt for my dad for a very long time. Staying away is easier, I don't have to feel it, I don't have to face it that way. Not having people outside the family to see doesn't make the pondering easier.
So I have spent alot of time thinking of when I will be going back to England, which makes me feel even guiltier towards my sister as I can't even appreciate the little time I have with her.
Then again England is great for me, but not all so great. There are things there that made me want to leave for most of December. I have friends there and they do notice when I'm sad or missing but as I'm used to being overseen I need to be included in the littlest and silliest of things.
We have this one person who I've done so much for and never have I gotten anything in return. Doesn't even take the time to write me back with Christmas wishes, thanks for the present or anything like that. I can only remember being thanked one time, and it meant so much to me. I don't ask for much at all, I just want to know that what I have done has been noticed. I have so much to give and no one seems to see it. Still I love this silly little boy with all of my heart and I'd never miss a chance to make him smile or laugh (not very hard, gimme a squirrel and we're set). It's not love love I'm talking about. I just honestly adore and love this person. He could be my best friend if he just saw me. He doesn't know what he's missing out on and I'm scared that I'm getting close to giving up.
I have my two lovely girls to turn to when I'm in E but they still haven't known me for long enough to see all of the things that are stirring underneath. I am so jealous of the things that they share. It's stupid and petty but I'm far from perfect. E has her bf in the same house as A lives so they see each other daily no matter what. They smoke together, which means that when we're out they go off, leaving me alone for 10-15 minutes at a time. It's all so stupid. I have no reason to be feeling the way that I do but it doesn't help thinking or knowing it as I'm still feeling it.
This is only what I'm feeling towards others, haha, with myself it's much worse. I don't particularly like who I am, but I am much closer to it that I have been. I am starting to see things differently, and the things that I don't like are things I am working on changing. I need to see myself for what I am. The only thing is that I know that I can be a rather nice person if you only just give me the chance. I love so easily and so many. Hmm, I can feel how I don't want to write anything more now... Means that i'm getting close to what really hurts and why.
Whenever I hear "The Scientist" by Coldplay I can't help but think that someone will one day say to me "you don't know how lovely you are". It's all I'd like to hear. I have had those moments in the past and I can't help to think that I have ruined them in the way I ended it all and the things I did. As if I screwed up just to give me a reason to keep hating myself, instead of listening to someone saying they love me the way I am.
As a child I had a lot of imaginary friends. My first one was called "Lila" which means purple. I am tired of living in a world where I have to fake friends, fake emotions, fake affection, fake honesty.
People call me weird. In a way I suppose I am but I know that it's not that bad but I would just like to know what it is about me that makes people keep a distance and not want to get too close to me. It hurts. I am easily hurt. That is the first thing I ever remember being bullied/mocked about as a 6 year old. I was "too sensitive". Which made them think it was funny to try to make me cry, and as it took very little I always did.
Music is not really doing it for me anymore, and if I loose that I have nothing. Music is in me and I need to have it. I'm going to go off and try to find "that" song to make me disappear into the music. Normally things look alot better after finding it. I had one of those moments just last week... I suppose the silly little boy has given me something... As it is he who introduced me to the bad properly... Hm.. One less thing to ponder about.
Thanks for letting me write this. I was honest, but left things out as they hurt too much and come too close. I'll try again sometime soon.
My family is driving me slightly mad. My mum said some things to my nan and I think that she's regretting it now but she is too stubborn to say so. I know how it feels. I say many evil things about others... So many. I don't mean them in a bad way, I'm mostly joking but I think that I do it because I am jealous of something in this person as well. I am trying to do better and I believe I am. I just need a good punch in the head every now and then.
My stepdad can hurt me like no one else and I can't figure out why he is the one who can make me cry just by saying one little thing. It hurts me endlessly and I would like nothing more than for it to stop.
Being back in the place where I spent so many years is hard. I have no friends left, no real ones. So far I have met one person outside my family in the 1½ weeks I have been in Sweden. And I wouldn't have seen her if I hadn't been the one to call her. I called my A several times, texted her and even wrote her an email and she never did anything back, not until she found a christmas present in her mail box today. The other two I have contacted are ok... Or not really... One of them is understandable as she is as she always is and I don't hold it against her but him... He said he'd call and never did. Sure he's in "a tough place" right now but I thought that meant that you needed your friends more than otherwise.
The best parts about being home is being able to call Lotta and to see my sister. Seeing my sister makes me feel guilty and bad about not being here for her. I fear that she will grow up with the same kind of hatred towards me as what I felt for my dad for a very long time. Staying away is easier, I don't have to feel it, I don't have to face it that way. Not having people outside the family to see doesn't make the pondering easier.
So I have spent alot of time thinking of when I will be going back to England, which makes me feel even guiltier towards my sister as I can't even appreciate the little time I have with her.
Then again England is great for me, but not all so great. There are things there that made me want to leave for most of December. I have friends there and they do notice when I'm sad or missing but as I'm used to being overseen I need to be included in the littlest and silliest of things.
We have this one person who I've done so much for and never have I gotten anything in return. Doesn't even take the time to write me back with Christmas wishes, thanks for the present or anything like that. I can only remember being thanked one time, and it meant so much to me. I don't ask for much at all, I just want to know that what I have done has been noticed. I have so much to give and no one seems to see it. Still I love this silly little boy with all of my heart and I'd never miss a chance to make him smile or laugh (not very hard, gimme a squirrel and we're set). It's not love love I'm talking about. I just honestly adore and love this person. He could be my best friend if he just saw me. He doesn't know what he's missing out on and I'm scared that I'm getting close to giving up.
I have my two lovely girls to turn to when I'm in E but they still haven't known me for long enough to see all of the things that are stirring underneath. I am so jealous of the things that they share. It's stupid and petty but I'm far from perfect. E has her bf in the same house as A lives so they see each other daily no matter what. They smoke together, which means that when we're out they go off, leaving me alone for 10-15 minutes at a time. It's all so stupid. I have no reason to be feeling the way that I do but it doesn't help thinking or knowing it as I'm still feeling it.
This is only what I'm feeling towards others, haha, with myself it's much worse. I don't particularly like who I am, but I am much closer to it that I have been. I am starting to see things differently, and the things that I don't like are things I am working on changing. I need to see myself for what I am. The only thing is that I know that I can be a rather nice person if you only just give me the chance. I love so easily and so many. Hmm, I can feel how I don't want to write anything more now... Means that i'm getting close to what really hurts and why.
Whenever I hear "The Scientist" by Coldplay I can't help but think that someone will one day say to me "you don't know how lovely you are". It's all I'd like to hear. I have had those moments in the past and I can't help to think that I have ruined them in the way I ended it all and the things I did. As if I screwed up just to give me a reason to keep hating myself, instead of listening to someone saying they love me the way I am.
As a child I had a lot of imaginary friends. My first one was called "Lila" which means purple. I am tired of living in a world where I have to fake friends, fake emotions, fake affection, fake honesty.
People call me weird. In a way I suppose I am but I know that it's not that bad but I would just like to know what it is about me that makes people keep a distance and not want to get too close to me. It hurts. I am easily hurt. That is the first thing I ever remember being bullied/mocked about as a 6 year old. I was "too sensitive". Which made them think it was funny to try to make me cry, and as it took very little I always did.
Music is not really doing it for me anymore, and if I loose that I have nothing. Music is in me and I need to have it. I'm going to go off and try to find "that" song to make me disappear into the music. Normally things look alot better after finding it. I had one of those moments just last week... I suppose the silly little boy has given me something... As it is he who introduced me to the bad properly... Hm.. One less thing to ponder about.
Thanks for letting me write this. I was honest, but left things out as they hurt too much and come too close. I'll try again sometime soon.