Well, I Did It
I cut my hair. I really like it; it's comfortable as hell and I think it makes me look better even as a girl (and it's way better, of course, for passing). My husband took it a lot harder than he thought he would and I hate seeing him this depressed - I know I'm the one making him unhappy but I'm not sure what I can do about it. I can't go back to feeling trapped and miserable like I was before and at this point I kind of have to experiment to find out what I need. But it's really hard to tell what helps me feel better when making him so unhappy feels like crap. I want an easy answer, and I don't think there is one.
I also went to Walmart and the thrift store and picked up some guy clothes - just jeans and an undershirt and a collared shirt - and a pair of control-top pantyhose to make into a makeshift binder (you cut the legs off, cut the crotch out and put it on upside down, so that your head sticks out the crotch and your arms stick out the leg holes). I also got some vet wrap to use as additional binding material, but that didn't work so well. I had the whole thing on, and it looked okay, and then I tried to put my shirts on and all the vet wrap rolled down off of my chest into a really tight little rubber band around my waist. I had to cut it off. The pantyhose binder alone doesn't work too well - I'm too big and too firm, apparently, so my chest still looks pretty female even with it on. The clothes don't look too terrible, though my shirt's a bit thin and in combination with the not-so-great binder it's not the most camouflaging thing in the universe.
My friend B asked how it felt to be dressed as a guy, and I honestly don't know yet. It still feels odd, and a little exciting/scary, and I feel kind of like a little girl playing dress-up. I don't feel like I can really pass yet - I need to work on my voice as well as finding a better binding method. I think I need a little time to get used to it before I can really tell how it feels to move through the world as a man rather than a woman. (It doesn't help that, as a guy, I look like I'm maybe 18 or 20 at the oldest). It's been so long since I've had to - or bothered to - consciously think about how I present myself or about constructing an identity that it feels very strange, and the idea of dressing like a guy or trying to pass is still very much a forbidden/daring/transgressive thing right now, which doesn't give me a good idea of what it feels like to live that way. I even went out in public dressed as a guy for the first time - my husband and I went to the store together to pick up dinner - and I was so self-conscious about how others were perceiving me that it was hard to relax into my own skin. I think I did freak out the checker a little - she kept giving me odd glances, like she couldn't quite figure out what the hell I was.
I will say that the trousers are a bit uncomfortable. They're a touch large and they fit differently than women's trousers, so they keep sliding down a ways and binding across the hips and thighs. Which isn't altogether bad, as it makes me walk with my shoulders rather than my hips, but I'm just not used to being that conscious of how I walk. Or what to do with my hands when I'm not carrying a purse.
And I told my mum that I cut my hair, though not why. She said I was "doing that post-menopausal thing". Which I suppose, technically, is true, since the oopherectomy.
My husband has really been amazing, though. Not only did he let me dress androgynously (I didn't bind) to go out with him tonight, but he gave me pointers on my hair and clothes and things. The fact that he can be so generous in the middle of his own personal grief humbles me. On the phone, earlier today, we were talking about passing and he said, "I am the most understanding husband in the world." Which he is. I don't know many other guys who would be able to handle this nearly as well. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I have a lot of hope that we can find something that works.
I'll put up some photos of the new haircut and clothes later.
I also went to Walmart and the thrift store and picked up some guy clothes - just jeans and an undershirt and a collared shirt - and a pair of control-top pantyhose to make into a makeshift binder (you cut the legs off, cut the crotch out and put it on upside down, so that your head sticks out the crotch and your arms stick out the leg holes). I also got some vet wrap to use as additional binding material, but that didn't work so well. I had the whole thing on, and it looked okay, and then I tried to put my shirts on and all the vet wrap rolled down off of my chest into a really tight little rubber band around my waist. I had to cut it off. The pantyhose binder alone doesn't work too well - I'm too big and too firm, apparently, so my chest still looks pretty female even with it on. The clothes don't look too terrible, though my shirt's a bit thin and in combination with the not-so-great binder it's not the most camouflaging thing in the universe.
My friend B asked how it felt to be dressed as a guy, and I honestly don't know yet. It still feels odd, and a little exciting/scary, and I feel kind of like a little girl playing dress-up. I don't feel like I can really pass yet - I need to work on my voice as well as finding a better binding method. I think I need a little time to get used to it before I can really tell how it feels to move through the world as a man rather than a woman. (It doesn't help that, as a guy, I look like I'm maybe 18 or 20 at the oldest). It's been so long since I've had to - or bothered to - consciously think about how I present myself or about constructing an identity that it feels very strange, and the idea of dressing like a guy or trying to pass is still very much a forbidden/daring/transgressive thing right now, which doesn't give me a good idea of what it feels like to live that way. I even went out in public dressed as a guy for the first time - my husband and I went to the store together to pick up dinner - and I was so self-conscious about how others were perceiving me that it was hard to relax into my own skin. I think I did freak out the checker a little - she kept giving me odd glances, like she couldn't quite figure out what the hell I was.
I will say that the trousers are a bit uncomfortable. They're a touch large and they fit differently than women's trousers, so they keep sliding down a ways and binding across the hips and thighs. Which isn't altogether bad, as it makes me walk with my shoulders rather than my hips, but I'm just not used to being that conscious of how I walk. Or what to do with my hands when I'm not carrying a purse.
And I told my mum that I cut my hair, though not why. She said I was "doing that post-menopausal thing". Which I suppose, technically, is true, since the oopherectomy.
My husband has really been amazing, though. Not only did he let me dress androgynously (I didn't bind) to go out with him tonight, but he gave me pointers on my hair and clothes and things. The fact that he can be so generous in the middle of his own personal grief humbles me. On the phone, earlier today, we were talking about passing and he said, "I am the most understanding husband in the world." Which he is. I don't know many other guys who would be able to handle this nearly as well. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I have a lot of hope that we can find something that works.
I'll put up some photos of the new haircut and clothes later.