Commitment to Change
I get to post so rarely anymore that I'm not quite sure what to say when I do. But I had something happen the other day that I think I need to get down.
It was after I'd come out to all of my extended family and heard back from most of them. The response has been overwhelmingly positive - even the ones I can tell aren't too sure about the whole thing still said "I'm happy you're happy" and "I still love you". It makes me realise how blessed I have been and continue to be. I also finally submitted my name change for publication - over seventy dollars and I had to drive to a podunk town an hour and a half away, which is what's taken so long - and I should be ready to ask the court for my hearing in less than a month.
But then I was doing something - writing an email or logging into Facebook or something - and I realised that I was feeling a lot of random anxiety and doubt about my transition all of a sudden. I wasn't sure I liked my name enough to live with it forever. I wasn't sure I could successfully live as a man. I'd been off my testosterone for a few weeks (I ran out of syringes) and I was feeling fine, it was no big deal. I felt like I'd just done this whole big thing and there was no turning back and maybe I was wrong.
This lasted a couple of days, and needless to say I was freaking out about it a bit. This was Not The Time to be having doubts or changing my mind. Gods, could you imagine my family's reaction if I emailed them back and said, "Oops! I think I'm going to go back to living as a woman! Just . . . disregard that letter I sent you the other day."
But then I realised what was going on. It was two-fold, really. First of all, having to make an Event out of saying, "Hey, guess what, I'm me!" is just odd. It's unnatural and awkward and is bound to feel weird. And it's still something I'm frankly pissed off about having to do. And second, I've now come out to everyone who knows me. I'm maybe 6 weeks away from completing my legal transition (I'm even hoping to get my SS changed, as I have had a hysto - we'll see if the surgeon will be willing to write me a letter). I have no ties left to my old self. I can't change my mind now, and that's a kind of scary realisation. It's like the night before you get married, when even though you know you're doing the right thing and it's what you want, part of you wants to run screaming from the idea of committing to a change that major, that irreversible.
But when I think about the details, rather than the huge nebulous idea of "transition", I don't have any doubts. All the changes I've had have been wonderful - except the lactose intolerance, and I can live with that :p - and I can't wait for the rest of the them to happen. I like who I am now, and I feel more real now, like I've finally grown up or become a real boy or something.
I don't have a pithy conclusion to this post. I just wanted to write about this experience so I can remember it later.
It was after I'd come out to all of my extended family and heard back from most of them. The response has been overwhelmingly positive - even the ones I can tell aren't too sure about the whole thing still said "I'm happy you're happy" and "I still love you". It makes me realise how blessed I have been and continue to be. I also finally submitted my name change for publication - over seventy dollars and I had to drive to a podunk town an hour and a half away, which is what's taken so long - and I should be ready to ask the court for my hearing in less than a month.
But then I was doing something - writing an email or logging into Facebook or something - and I realised that I was feeling a lot of random anxiety and doubt about my transition all of a sudden. I wasn't sure I liked my name enough to live with it forever. I wasn't sure I could successfully live as a man. I'd been off my testosterone for a few weeks (I ran out of syringes) and I was feeling fine, it was no big deal. I felt like I'd just done this whole big thing and there was no turning back and maybe I was wrong.
This lasted a couple of days, and needless to say I was freaking out about it a bit. This was Not The Time to be having doubts or changing my mind. Gods, could you imagine my family's reaction if I emailed them back and said, "Oops! I think I'm going to go back to living as a woman! Just . . . disregard that letter I sent you the other day."
But then I realised what was going on. It was two-fold, really. First of all, having to make an Event out of saying, "Hey, guess what, I'm me!" is just odd. It's unnatural and awkward and is bound to feel weird. And it's still something I'm frankly pissed off about having to do. And second, I've now come out to everyone who knows me. I'm maybe 6 weeks away from completing my legal transition (I'm even hoping to get my SS changed, as I have had a hysto - we'll see if the surgeon will be willing to write me a letter). I have no ties left to my old self. I can't change my mind now, and that's a kind of scary realisation. It's like the night before you get married, when even though you know you're doing the right thing and it's what you want, part of you wants to run screaming from the idea of committing to a change that major, that irreversible.
But when I think about the details, rather than the huge nebulous idea of "transition", I don't have any doubts. All the changes I've had have been wonderful - except the lactose intolerance, and I can live with that :p - and I can't wait for the rest of the them to happen. I like who I am now, and I feel more real now, like I've finally grown up or become a real boy or something.
I don't have a pithy conclusion to this post. I just wanted to write about this experience so I can remember it later.