A 3 a.m. Epiphany
My main focus lately has been on trying to get a job. Trying is the key word in that sentence; I've not been making much progress on even getting applications filled out online. While I've been struggling with this, two things happened. First, a good friend of mine was given a formal assessment and diagnosed with severe ADHD. Second, routemaps posted a link to a blog about what it felt like to live with ADHD as an adult.
I've suspected for years that I might have some form of ADD. I read something, oh eight years ago or so?, that described the way the mind of someone with ADD (I don't think it had the H yet at that point, but I'm not sure) worked and it sounded really familiar. But moving to the country helped a lot for quite a while, so I didn't pursue the idea. But seeing what my friend is going through has shown me a lot more about what ADHD is really like, and the article I mentioned really rang scarily true. Considering how badly I need to find an income, and how little progress I'm making on doing so, I decided that it was something I should at least look into.
So at my last appointment with my therapist, I brought up the possibility. She doesn't work much with ADHD, so she's not qualified to really assess it, but she got out her DSM and went over the criteria with me. To warrant the diagnosis you have to meet at least 6 of the criteria for 6 months or more. I met 7, and several of them were things I noted as major obstacles in my life. Based on that, she said I should talk to my doctor and find out whether he wanted to prescribe me the medication or refer me to a psychiatrist for a formal assessment.
Which I haven't done yet, as I've been out of town and down sick, but tonight I finally got around to doing a little online research on coping mechanisms for adult ADHD. (Since medication doesn't magically fix everything on its own, and I don't know if or when I'll get it, I figured I needed to start working on learning some behavioural modifications, too.)
HOLY CRAP MY LIFE MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW.
Really, I thought I was just weird. And lazy. And undisciplined. But it turns out that all this stuff I've been struggling with forever, even some completely random shit, is wholly typical for people with ADHD.
Like:
- Claustrophobia
- Panic and rage in crowded places
- Perception of light touch as painful
- Violent dislike of certain flavours/textures in food
- Intense craving for "unhealthy" foods (apparently this is the body's attempt at self-medicating)
- Insomnia
- Seasonal Affective Disorder
- Major issues at the dentist
- Easily overwhelmed by large tasks
- Hypersensitivity to sounds/smells/etc.
- Depression
- Aversion to perfume
- Wanting to be barefoot all the time
- Hyperfocus on inappropriate, pleasurable activities
- Difficulty listening/tracking a conversation
- Procrastination
- Never managing to finish anything
- Anxiety
- Small crises or shifts in routine derailing me for days or weeks
- Everything taking five times longer than I think it should
- Not being able to remember where I put anything
- Always remembering dates or times wrong, or fogetting them entirely
- Racing thoughts
- Boredom being almost physically painful
- Difficulty focussing on tasks that require mental concentration
- Physical restlessness - tapping feet, chewing nails, etc.
- Messy or cluttered environments causing a chaotic mind
- Becoming easily and completely overwhelmed by large tasks or goals
- Complete lack of time management ability
Now, of course, I'm feeling completely overwhelmed at the idea of trying to fix all this. :p But at the same time, I'm really excited about the possibility of finding a way to deal with this stuff so that I can start, you know, acting like a grownup finally.
I've suspected for years that I might have some form of ADD. I read something, oh eight years ago or so?, that described the way the mind of someone with ADD (I don't think it had the H yet at that point, but I'm not sure) worked and it sounded really familiar. But moving to the country helped a lot for quite a while, so I didn't pursue the idea. But seeing what my friend is going through has shown me a lot more about what ADHD is really like, and the article I mentioned really rang scarily true. Considering how badly I need to find an income, and how little progress I'm making on doing so, I decided that it was something I should at least look into.
So at my last appointment with my therapist, I brought up the possibility. She doesn't work much with ADHD, so she's not qualified to really assess it, but she got out her DSM and went over the criteria with me. To warrant the diagnosis you have to meet at least 6 of the criteria for 6 months or more. I met 7, and several of them were things I noted as major obstacles in my life. Based on that, she said I should talk to my doctor and find out whether he wanted to prescribe me the medication or refer me to a psychiatrist for a formal assessment.
Which I haven't done yet, as I've been out of town and down sick, but tonight I finally got around to doing a little online research on coping mechanisms for adult ADHD. (Since medication doesn't magically fix everything on its own, and I don't know if or when I'll get it, I figured I needed to start working on learning some behavioural modifications, too.)
HOLY CRAP MY LIFE MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW.
Really, I thought I was just weird. And lazy. And undisciplined. But it turns out that all this stuff I've been struggling with forever, even some completely random shit, is wholly typical for people with ADHD.
Like:
- Claustrophobia
- Panic and rage in crowded places
- Perception of light touch as painful
- Violent dislike of certain flavours/textures in food
- Intense craving for "unhealthy" foods (apparently this is the body's attempt at self-medicating)
- Insomnia
- Seasonal Affective Disorder
- Major issues at the dentist
- Easily overwhelmed by large tasks
- Hypersensitivity to sounds/smells/etc.
- Depression
- Aversion to perfume
- Wanting to be barefoot all the time
- Hyperfocus on inappropriate, pleasurable activities
- Difficulty listening/tracking a conversation
- Procrastination
- Never managing to finish anything
- Anxiety
- Small crises or shifts in routine derailing me for days or weeks
- Everything taking five times longer than I think it should
- Not being able to remember where I put anything
- Always remembering dates or times wrong, or fogetting them entirely
- Racing thoughts
- Boredom being almost physically painful
- Difficulty focussing on tasks that require mental concentration
- Physical restlessness - tapping feet, chewing nails, etc.
- Messy or cluttered environments causing a chaotic mind
- Becoming easily and completely overwhelmed by large tasks or goals
- Complete lack of time management ability
Now, of course, I'm feeling completely overwhelmed at the idea of trying to fix all this. :p But at the same time, I'm really excited about the possibility of finding a way to deal with this stuff so that I can start, you know, acting like a grownup finally.