What Did I Do to Deserve This?
So, I had my appointment with the endo this morning.
I was nervous, of course, and trying really hard not to get my hopes up. The first thing I noticed was the field on the intake form: "Please circle one: male/female/transgender" Wow. That was the first time I'd seen anything like that on any official medical paperwork. I can't wait for the day I can unequivocally circle "male", but in the meantime that's pretty fantastic. And everyone who worked there was really nice.
Then the doctor came in. She asked what I was there for and I managed to get out "I'm transsexual" without even choking - I was worried about that, I haven't said it out loud that many times - and she asked me a bunch of medical history and trans history questions, including, "based on your research, what method of delivery would you prefer?" (It was really nice to have a doctor assume I had done some research and was reasonably knowledgeable about my condition.) She asked which therapist I went to. I told her and said that she was willing to give a letter whenever the endo wanted, and the endo asked, "Does she specialise in this field?" Assuming she was checking up on the therapist's credentials, I assured her that she did. Then she said, "Good - I have a few patients who are really having a hard time finding a therapist, so it's good to have a name to refer them to." She gave me a physical, explained that testosterone would masculinise me and asked if I was ready for that.
Then she wrote me a prescription.
I have an appt. on Thursday with the nurse practitioner to teach me how to self-inject and the endo wants to see me again in 6 weeks after I have some bloodwork done after being on T for about a month.
I wasn't expecting anything this fast or easy. And you know what? In addition to being completely in shock, excited and panicked all at once, I'm feeling guilty. I know what other guys go through trying to start transition. I haven't lost a single friend that I know of, I found an amazing doctor quite by accident, a great therapist and a professional, knowledgeable endocrinologist willing to treat me like a competent human being. Nevada has just changed its laws so that I can get my driver's license changed with only a doctor's letter stating I'm "receiving clinical treatment for GID" and the U.S. government has changed its policy on passports and certificates of birth abroad to the same criteria. That means that as soon as I'm being read as male semi-consistently I can change my gender marker on all my paperwork, including my birth certificate. Three months from realising that I had to face my gender dysphoria and I'm set to start medical and legal transition. It's like the gods said, "You finally realised what you need to do, huh? Well, here's your path. It's ten feet wide, level and smooth as glass. Go for it."
And you know what? It's not fair. I'm nothing special; I've done nothing particularly amazing or worthy. It's not fair that this isn't how it works for everybody. And I'm fighting the feeling that somehow taking advantage of the ease with which everything is unfolding for me is stepping on other men and women who have it so much harder. I know that my transition doesn't change their hurdles, but it feels like cheating.
And I'm worried (again) about mfrazercani. This is all happening so much quicker than either of us anticipated, and I can't tell how he feels about it - except that he's not talking much and that's not a good sign. :\
I was nervous, of course, and trying really hard not to get my hopes up. The first thing I noticed was the field on the intake form: "Please circle one: male/female/transgender" Wow. That was the first time I'd seen anything like that on any official medical paperwork. I can't wait for the day I can unequivocally circle "male", but in the meantime that's pretty fantastic. And everyone who worked there was really nice.
Then the doctor came in. She asked what I was there for and I managed to get out "I'm transsexual" without even choking - I was worried about that, I haven't said it out loud that many times - and she asked me a bunch of medical history and trans history questions, including, "based on your research, what method of delivery would you prefer?" (It was really nice to have a doctor assume I had done some research and was reasonably knowledgeable about my condition.) She asked which therapist I went to. I told her and said that she was willing to give a letter whenever the endo wanted, and the endo asked, "Does she specialise in this field?" Assuming she was checking up on the therapist's credentials, I assured her that she did. Then she said, "Good - I have a few patients who are really having a hard time finding a therapist, so it's good to have a name to refer them to." She gave me a physical, explained that testosterone would masculinise me and asked if I was ready for that.
Then she wrote me a prescription.
I have an appt. on Thursday with the nurse practitioner to teach me how to self-inject and the endo wants to see me again in 6 weeks after I have some bloodwork done after being on T for about a month.
I wasn't expecting anything this fast or easy. And you know what? In addition to being completely in shock, excited and panicked all at once, I'm feeling guilty. I know what other guys go through trying to start transition. I haven't lost a single friend that I know of, I found an amazing doctor quite by accident, a great therapist and a professional, knowledgeable endocrinologist willing to treat me like a competent human being. Nevada has just changed its laws so that I can get my driver's license changed with only a doctor's letter stating I'm "receiving clinical treatment for GID" and the U.S. government has changed its policy on passports and certificates of birth abroad to the same criteria. That means that as soon as I'm being read as male semi-consistently I can change my gender marker on all my paperwork, including my birth certificate. Three months from realising that I had to face my gender dysphoria and I'm set to start medical and legal transition. It's like the gods said, "You finally realised what you need to do, huh? Well, here's your path. It's ten feet wide, level and smooth as glass. Go for it."
And you know what? It's not fair. I'm nothing special; I've done nothing particularly amazing or worthy. It's not fair that this isn't how it works for everybody. And I'm fighting the feeling that somehow taking advantage of the ease with which everything is unfolding for me is stepping on other men and women who have it so much harder. I know that my transition doesn't change their hurdles, but it feels like cheating.
And I'm worried (again) about mfrazercani. This is all happening so much quicker than either of us anticipated, and I can't tell how he feels about it - except that he's not talking much and that's not a good sign. :\