Anger, fear, aggression, the dark side are they.
It is very rare now of days where I lament one of the defining aspects of my existence of living alone and being for all intents and purposes single.
Wednesday night was one of those nights. It was the annual Robbie Burns Dinner put on by my lodge at the Scottish Rite. Of course being single I went alone. It was awkward as fuck. I was sat at a table with other members of my lodge and a few other people. To my left was a cranky old Scottish Rite member who felt that his way was better than any others, but later rethought his philosophy after he realised inclination and iteration differed for every person, and an elderly couple who I am not even sure they said 2.3 words the entire evening. To my right was the Lodge secretary and his wife, who were both most cordial and polite. As the evening went on the awkwardness elevated as I watched the room, couples interacting with each other, and couples interacting with other couples. With my table being dead silent and communication at the minimum making it even more pronounced.
It was at that second I realised why I hated weddings so much, they were the complete opposite of everything I was. They sponsored couples and promoted lives together, they celebrate normal sexuality and encouraged couples to interact and to procreate. I remember saying to myself, "this feels like a wedding". Last year I sat with my friend and his family and some friends we have in common, but this year his table was full of his family and their partners on the other side of the room. I noticed from across the room as he interacted with his mum, and said to myself, well that can't happen with me. I watched as he interacted with his sisters and their husbands and said to myself, well that is very unlikely to happen to me, with sisters living in cities far away. I watched him and everyone else around the room interacting with their partners and I said to myself, well thats not me. "This is the last time I come to this event."
It is odd, when I come to these resolute decisions. They come out of nowhere and it is as if they come from the divine because they fall upon me with the weight of immovable law. These decisions that come from no where are the ones where in past treaties I have said "once I make up my mind nearly nothing can alter that choice." These are the choices I speak about that come from no where and crash into my reality so hard and fast they they knock everything out of the way to entrench themselves into my way of doing things.
I won't be going to the Robbie Burns dinner anymore. I enjoyed the food, the Haggis especially, I don't get to eat it very often so I took full advantage. I enjoyed the Pipes and drums of the Lorne Scots Regimental band that graced us with their music, but everything else was awkward as fuck and I shalln't put myself in that position again. As dinner ended the DJ took over and all the couples started getting up to dance I went to the bar. About three songs into the dance the DJ played a love song and encouraged all couples to get on the floor and dance; they did. One scotch into the night and I decided to leave. I made my way to the washroom and then slipped down the side corridor and left through the service entrance so I didn't have to endure shaking everyone's hand and explaining why I was leaving early. They didn't even notice I had left.
Very rarely do I get angry at myself like this anymore, at what I am that forces me to ask once again, why can't I be the way everyone else is? Why can't I have normal relationships with normal people like everyone else does? Why can't life be normal? It infuriates me that I am forced to ask these questions and look into that part of me I have never come to grips with.
I will still buy a ticket every year to support the event, but I will not go again.
Fucking Grr.
Wednesday night was one of those nights. It was the annual Robbie Burns Dinner put on by my lodge at the Scottish Rite. Of course being single I went alone. It was awkward as fuck. I was sat at a table with other members of my lodge and a few other people. To my left was a cranky old Scottish Rite member who felt that his way was better than any others, but later rethought his philosophy after he realised inclination and iteration differed for every person, and an elderly couple who I am not even sure they said 2.3 words the entire evening. To my right was the Lodge secretary and his wife, who were both most cordial and polite. As the evening went on the awkwardness elevated as I watched the room, couples interacting with each other, and couples interacting with other couples. With my table being dead silent and communication at the minimum making it even more pronounced.
It was at that second I realised why I hated weddings so much, they were the complete opposite of everything I was. They sponsored couples and promoted lives together, they celebrate normal sexuality and encouraged couples to interact and to procreate. I remember saying to myself, "this feels like a wedding". Last year I sat with my friend and his family and some friends we have in common, but this year his table was full of his family and their partners on the other side of the room. I noticed from across the room as he interacted with his mum, and said to myself, well that can't happen with me. I watched as he interacted with his sisters and their husbands and said to myself, well that is very unlikely to happen to me, with sisters living in cities far away. I watched him and everyone else around the room interacting with their partners and I said to myself, well thats not me. "This is the last time I come to this event."
It is odd, when I come to these resolute decisions. They come out of nowhere and it is as if they come from the divine because they fall upon me with the weight of immovable law. These decisions that come from no where are the ones where in past treaties I have said "once I make up my mind nearly nothing can alter that choice." These are the choices I speak about that come from no where and crash into my reality so hard and fast they they knock everything out of the way to entrench themselves into my way of doing things.
I won't be going to the Robbie Burns dinner anymore. I enjoyed the food, the Haggis especially, I don't get to eat it very often so I took full advantage. I enjoyed the Pipes and drums of the Lorne Scots Regimental band that graced us with their music, but everything else was awkward as fuck and I shalln't put myself in that position again. As dinner ended the DJ took over and all the couples started getting up to dance I went to the bar. About three songs into the dance the DJ played a love song and encouraged all couples to get on the floor and dance; they did. One scotch into the night and I decided to leave. I made my way to the washroom and then slipped down the side corridor and left through the service entrance so I didn't have to endure shaking everyone's hand and explaining why I was leaving early. They didn't even notice I had left.
Very rarely do I get angry at myself like this anymore, at what I am that forces me to ask once again, why can't I be the way everyone else is? Why can't I have normal relationships with normal people like everyone else does? Why can't life be normal? It infuriates me that I am forced to ask these questions and look into that part of me I have never come to grips with.
I will still buy a ticket every year to support the event, but I will not go again.
Fucking Grr.