just some random thoughts.
How do i get out all that is in me out and make it free flowing? It is just such confusion and frustration that i dont know how to make any sense of this. i dont know what to think anymore because aparently everyone else knows me better then i know myself i guess.
About a week ago Tony and i got into a argument over him seeing Alyssa. It was partly my fault because i was upset about my mom trying to pass Dave off as Alyssa'a dad. But Dave dont want to take Tonys place in Alyssas life. I know Tony is not the greatest dad in the world, but he is trying alot more then he was. You dont use my daughter as a pawn in your war against Tony, because your daughter and he were flirting. She is one years old. I would rather stop this now then later. So i decided to cut her out of my life. she will not do this to my baby girl. Anyways, back to the Tony thing. He called last Friday and said that he was not coming to visit her. It upset me but i was more upset because here i am defending him to my own mother and then he bailed that same week. That ended with him screaming into my ear that he wishes that i would just drop Alyssa at his front door and never come back so he never has to have anything to do with me again. That hurt really bad, but i am starting to get immune to this shit. So then his mom calls and tells me that all i do is bitch at her son when he is here. Now this is far from the truth. We get along really well when he is here. So then she proceeds to tell me that Tony doesnt need to see his daugher more then when he does on grandparents rights. Bacically bitching at me for all kinds of things that dont apply to me. Also mark dont want me near thier house. It is all for the best he says. They are making me feel like i should just disappear. I dont know. i have been keeping to myself. I havent called Tony other then alyssa issues. but yetr here i am still getting shit. I brought all of this up to Tony and he begged me not to stop talking to him. He begged me to stay around and he didnt mean what he said. He also said that his mom has been really stressed out due to her surgery and has become a royal bitch because of it. I understand this but you dont treat the girl who is revolving her childs birthday around your surgery. I am not complaining i just feel very un appreciated. I dont know. Tony told me on the phone that he had something to talk to me about. I turns out he is breaking up with Christina. I feel bad. Tony will probably need someone to fall back onto when his mom gets this surgery. Christina is probably devistated and heartbroken due to all the fighting that they have been doing. I know how she feels so that makes me feel bad for her. I am the only one on this planet who would feel bad for my ex and the girl he replaced me with. Makes me feel pathetic. i dont know.
So i tell Dave what i found out and he starts testing me to see if i want Tony back. He tells me that I am still in love with him. That pisses me off. I am happy with being Tonys friend. I get the best of Tony while yes the girls he dates or sleeps with gets the sex. I get the friendship that i know if anyone does any wrong to me or i need help he will be here for me. Part of me thinks he wants me back because of Alyssa. I dont want that i am happy with what i have. I have a wonderful man who is here for me all the time and dont give up on me when things get hard. That is priceless to me. I guess Dave dont believe me that i feel that way. That hurts me. I have been giving everything in me to make him see that i want him. I guess i am failing. I dont know. He kept on quizzing me as if he dont want me. That just bothers me. I have been feeling for awhile that he wants out but he don't want to hurt me. I dont know. I feel in my heart that i have moved on. I care about Tony alot. I just feel that i LOVE Dave. I guess nobody else believes it but me. Dave is saying that he thinks that Tony wants me back. I dont know how many times i have to tell him that i want him. I feel like i am loosing him and it hurts. This sucks. So Tony leaves Christina and causes a rift in my relationship in the process because of Daves insecurities. I just dont know what to think or do anymore. My heart is with Dave. Of course a part of it will be with Tony. He is my childs father. I guess guys dont understand that. He tells me that everyone sees that i am still in love with Tony. Him my mom and my friends. I dont think i am. I am just so lost. I just want to cry in frustration. I dont know what to do or what to think about anything anymore. I need advice i think. Mabye it is time i get Michaels phone number off Dave and see what he see's going on in all this mess. I am trying to sort it out and when i think i get things together.. something throws a wrench in it and makes me even more messed up then i was before.
advice anyone?
About a week ago Tony and i got into a argument over him seeing Alyssa. It was partly my fault because i was upset about my mom trying to pass Dave off as Alyssa'a dad. But Dave dont want to take Tonys place in Alyssas life. I know Tony is not the greatest dad in the world, but he is trying alot more then he was. You dont use my daughter as a pawn in your war against Tony, because your daughter and he were flirting. She is one years old. I would rather stop this now then later. So i decided to cut her out of my life. she will not do this to my baby girl. Anyways, back to the Tony thing. He called last Friday and said that he was not coming to visit her. It upset me but i was more upset because here i am defending him to my own mother and then he bailed that same week. That ended with him screaming into my ear that he wishes that i would just drop Alyssa at his front door and never come back so he never has to have anything to do with me again. That hurt really bad, but i am starting to get immune to this shit. So then his mom calls and tells me that all i do is bitch at her son when he is here. Now this is far from the truth. We get along really well when he is here. So then she proceeds to tell me that Tony doesnt need to see his daugher more then when he does on grandparents rights. Bacically bitching at me for all kinds of things that dont apply to me. Also mark dont want me near thier house. It is all for the best he says. They are making me feel like i should just disappear. I dont know. i have been keeping to myself. I havent called Tony other then alyssa issues. but yetr here i am still getting shit. I brought all of this up to Tony and he begged me not to stop talking to him. He begged me to stay around and he didnt mean what he said. He also said that his mom has been really stressed out due to her surgery and has become a royal bitch because of it. I understand this but you dont treat the girl who is revolving her childs birthday around your surgery. I am not complaining i just feel very un appreciated. I dont know. Tony told me on the phone that he had something to talk to me about. I turns out he is breaking up with Christina. I feel bad. Tony will probably need someone to fall back onto when his mom gets this surgery. Christina is probably devistated and heartbroken due to all the fighting that they have been doing. I know how she feels so that makes me feel bad for her. I am the only one on this planet who would feel bad for my ex and the girl he replaced me with. Makes me feel pathetic. i dont know.
So i tell Dave what i found out and he starts testing me to see if i want Tony back. He tells me that I am still in love with him. That pisses me off. I am happy with being Tonys friend. I get the best of Tony while yes the girls he dates or sleeps with gets the sex. I get the friendship that i know if anyone does any wrong to me or i need help he will be here for me. Part of me thinks he wants me back because of Alyssa. I dont want that i am happy with what i have. I have a wonderful man who is here for me all the time and dont give up on me when things get hard. That is priceless to me. I guess Dave dont believe me that i feel that way. That hurts me. I have been giving everything in me to make him see that i want him. I guess i am failing. I dont know. He kept on quizzing me as if he dont want me. That just bothers me. I have been feeling for awhile that he wants out but he don't want to hurt me. I dont know. I feel in my heart that i have moved on. I care about Tony alot. I just feel that i LOVE Dave. I guess nobody else believes it but me. Dave is saying that he thinks that Tony wants me back. I dont know how many times i have to tell him that i want him. I feel like i am loosing him and it hurts. This sucks. So Tony leaves Christina and causes a rift in my relationship in the process because of Daves insecurities. I just dont know what to think or do anymore. My heart is with Dave. Of course a part of it will be with Tony. He is my childs father. I guess guys dont understand that. He tells me that everyone sees that i am still in love with Tony. Him my mom and my friends. I dont think i am. I am just so lost. I just want to cry in frustration. I dont know what to do or what to think about anything anymore. I need advice i think. Mabye it is time i get Michaels phone number off Dave and see what he see's going on in all this mess. I am trying to sort it out and when i think i get things together.. something throws a wrench in it and makes me even more messed up then i was before.
advice anyone?