I need to jore.
It's almost nine. I'm more than exhausted. I've done a whopping hour of homework. I am the biggest state of confusion right now. I don't think I quite understand senior year; on one hand, I'm unbelievably happy--totally comfortable everywhere on campus, with everyone, with myself (finally, after three or so years of complete confusion), with the things I'm doing--and then on the other, I'm miserable--feeling that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not meeting expectations or living up to responsiblities or being more than just a pawn moving around Milton on the track to college. Ah, Milton. Sitting in X-roads the past couple days has been so wonderful, conversations in Straus make me happy, I am madly in love with the Class of 2004--and then I look around at the bench outside Ware where we used to sit 9th grade waiting for the designated carpool parents to show up and the water fountain backstage in King that has the most amazing "aqua" anywhere on campus coming out in a 12-inch stream of cool goodness and the cement walkway Kim Gordon and I attempted to paint on 10th grade only to find our canvases and tools totally blown away within minutes and Mrs. Gerrity who interviewed me and the spots on the quad where I've spooned with the jore ladies and the place where the door to Millet used to be and Debbie's couch and I already miss Milton so much I want to cry. It's almost painful to be enjoying myself so much only to realize that come June it'll all be a distant memory.
This growing up thing is scary. But on the other hand, here I am sitting in a Yale sweatshirt dreaming of life in New Haven, Connecticut, not knowing what to think about my prospects of getting in, terrified of this process, realizing that I haven't studied for the SAT 2 I have left, that my grades HAVE to be perfect by November 1st, that I don't want to write about ANY of the questions posed for my Kafka essay due Thursday (that I have to write all day tomorrow), that I still have a good hour or so of work that's due tomorrow, that both Josh and I feel like we're being shitty Speech captains, that everything is so incomplete and weird and ack.
Okay, deep breath.
Debbie called me tonight to thank me for helping out a new kid on the team. It was nothing and she still called and we talked about stuff BESIDES Speech and I love her so much and I just want to be engaging in connection, not worrying about silly Sem packets or Calc problems. I nearly fall asleep during Calc and think about how badly I want to be doing something big and fun and... I want something right now--I don't know what, but it's something big and something I don't have.
This has been the weirdest, most self-indulgent jore in a long time. You didn't have to read it, but if you did, I'm glad. Let me know what's going on in your life. How do YOU feel?
Scotty
This growing up thing is scary. But on the other hand, here I am sitting in a Yale sweatshirt dreaming of life in New Haven, Connecticut, not knowing what to think about my prospects of getting in, terrified of this process, realizing that I haven't studied for the SAT 2 I have left, that my grades HAVE to be perfect by November 1st, that I don't want to write about ANY of the questions posed for my Kafka essay due Thursday (that I have to write all day tomorrow), that I still have a good hour or so of work that's due tomorrow, that both Josh and I feel like we're being shitty Speech captains, that everything is so incomplete and weird and ack.
Okay, deep breath.
Debbie called me tonight to thank me for helping out a new kid on the team. It was nothing and she still called and we talked about stuff BESIDES Speech and I love her so much and I just want to be engaging in connection, not worrying about silly Sem packets or Calc problems. I nearly fall asleep during Calc and think about how badly I want to be doing something big and fun and... I want something right now--I don't know what, but it's something big and something I don't have.
This has been the weirdest, most self-indulgent jore in a long time. You didn't have to read it, but if you did, I'm glad. Let me know what's going on in your life. How do YOU feel?
Scotty