Jan 20, 2004 08:04
[Open on a woman in a nursery, holding a squalling infant and looking distressed]
Woman: This is terrible! This baby's been crying for going on half an hour, and it just won't stop! I've tried everything - feeding it, slapping it, yelling at it - and nothing works! I just want to shake it! But I don't want it to end up like my old baby... [camera pans R to show a three-year-old in a football helmet, sitting in a high chair and drooling vacantly]
Announcer: It doesn't have to, now that you've got Ronco's new Shake-A-Baby (tm)! [woman registers surprise and delight as Shake-A-Baby appears on table before her]
[cut to display of Shake-A-Babies, in pink, yellow, and blue]
Announcer: Mothers everywhere have been singing the praises of the Shake-A-Baby stabilizer, a revolutionary step forward in child care and abuse minimization!
[cut to another woman, smilingly strapping crying infant into Shake-A-Baby and picking it up]
Announcer: Shake-A-Baby's sturdy steel-and-plastic frame adjusts to fit any size infant, from the teeniest preemie to the largest 18-month old, and features easy-grip ergonomic handles, good for messy-handed mothers, frazzled babysitters, and intoxicated fathers alike!
[Cut to computer simulation of baby being shaken in Shake-A-Baby]
Announcer: With Shake-A-Baby, baby's head and torso are immobilized, while its arms and legs are free to flail satisfyingly. So pick up that cranky baby and...
[cut to young woman shaking baby in Shake-A-Baby up and down]
...shake...
[cut to man shaking baby in Shake-A-Baby in throttling motion. Sound of baby making uhhuhhuhhuhhuhh sounds]
...shake...
[cut to child shaking baby in Shake-A-Baby in rotational motion]
...shake it as much and as hard as you want to! And when you're done...
[cut to baby sitting, precariously tottering, eyes rolling in head as if dizzy]
... your cranky, screaming baby will become this docile, google-eyed angel, sure to give you some much-deserved peace and quiet. They're so cute in this state, you'll want to "shake it up" even when it's behaving well! Shake-A-Baby doubles as a baby carrying case, and it's lightweight and comfortable enough that you can put it on the baby and never take it off!
[cut to baby shower scene]
Announcer: Shake-A-Baby makes a great gift for new mothers!
[pregnant woman unwraps Shake-A-Baby delightedly and looks to oldest woman in attendance, presumably her mother, and they smile and nod knowingly at each other. Cut to Shake-A-Baby display, with ordering info overlay]
Announcer: Shake-A-Baby comes in your choice of pink, yellow, or blue! Order yours for only $19.95! And if you order within the next 15 minutes, you can get additional Shake-A-Babies for only $14.95! That's $5.00 off the original price!
[cut to couple with septuplets, each strapped into a Shake-A-Baby]
Woman: When Jesus gave me these seven babies with the help of fertility drugs, I thought I'd never sleep again!
Man: But these Shake-A-Babies were a steal, and once we got 'em we've been able to take care of all these babies with ease! Now we're planning on having even more "little miracles" once these ones have gotten too big to shake! Thank you, Shake-A-Baby!
[cut to Shake-A-Baby display, with ordering info overlay]
Announcer: Order now!
Fast voice: Shake-A-Baby can result in injury or death if used improperly, and only lessens the chance of injury or death when used properly. Not responsible for injury or death. Void where prohibited. Offer may end without notice.