1, 2, 3, 4.
it's almost 2 am and i have been doing too much thinking for my own good.
i am completely conflicted in so many different ways it is unbelievable.
should i stay single or commit.
quit my job or tough it out.
move to oc or stay in la.
move out of state or stay in california.
so many decisions to be made. some are completely stupid and a waste of my thoughts, but others could change my life completely that i'm overwhelmed even considering the possibility of change.
right now the most important decision to be made revolves around whether or not to commit. i have spent the last year sulking over something completely ridiculous and not worth my emotions. a situation that i have learned so much from but have also suffered so much over. i still don't understand why what happened was significant enough to completely change me as a person. part of me misses who i used to be. i used to be so willing to love. i wasn't bitter. i wasn't angry. i was a girl who loved the world and who believed love could never do her wrong.
a year later and i'm amazed that i have become this person. it has been so long since i've been able to love. i've attempted to put down my wall but it ended up being thrown right back in my face. i don't know if i'll be able to love you. you should probably run, far far away. i will end up breaking your heart.
i don't want you to want me.
-i want you to hate me and to not speak to me:
i will want you more because i will feel you don't need me around.
-i want you to treat me like i am the most irrelevant, insignificant, meaningless person you have ever met:
i will have to work harder to hold your attention and i will feel accomplished once i have you to myself.
-make me beg for you. make me beg for you to even look at me:
i need to feel like you're a challenge in order to appreciate your love for me.
i deserve to be treated like i'm nothing because i AM nothing.
cheat on me, lie to me, steal from me.
you will win my heart.
i can see it now. you will fall in love with me. i will think i love you back and figure out that the love i felt was only a reaction to the love you felt for me. i will never be able to fall in love with you. i will never let myself fall in love again. and that is the problem. my inability to love is what will break your heart. it's not that i don't want to try to love again, i just don't know how. its been too long.
i need help. i don't know how to ask for it and i don't expect anyone to care.
the thought of being in a relationship depresses me.
i don't think i can do it.
i am completely conflicted in so many different ways it is unbelievable.
should i stay single or commit.
quit my job or tough it out.
move to oc or stay in la.
move out of state or stay in california.
so many decisions to be made. some are completely stupid and a waste of my thoughts, but others could change my life completely that i'm overwhelmed even considering the possibility of change.
right now the most important decision to be made revolves around whether or not to commit. i have spent the last year sulking over something completely ridiculous and not worth my emotions. a situation that i have learned so much from but have also suffered so much over. i still don't understand why what happened was significant enough to completely change me as a person. part of me misses who i used to be. i used to be so willing to love. i wasn't bitter. i wasn't angry. i was a girl who loved the world and who believed love could never do her wrong.
a year later and i'm amazed that i have become this person. it has been so long since i've been able to love. i've attempted to put down my wall but it ended up being thrown right back in my face. i don't know if i'll be able to love you. you should probably run, far far away. i will end up breaking your heart.
i don't want you to want me.
-i want you to hate me and to not speak to me:
i will want you more because i will feel you don't need me around.
-i want you to treat me like i am the most irrelevant, insignificant, meaningless person you have ever met:
i will have to work harder to hold your attention and i will feel accomplished once i have you to myself.
-make me beg for you. make me beg for you to even look at me:
i need to feel like you're a challenge in order to appreciate your love for me.
i deserve to be treated like i'm nothing because i AM nothing.
cheat on me, lie to me, steal from me.
you will win my heart.
i can see it now. you will fall in love with me. i will think i love you back and figure out that the love i felt was only a reaction to the love you felt for me. i will never be able to fall in love with you. i will never let myself fall in love again. and that is the problem. my inability to love is what will break your heart. it's not that i don't want to try to love again, i just don't know how. its been too long.
i need help. i don't know how to ask for it and i don't expect anyone to care.
the thought of being in a relationship depresses me.
i don't think i can do it.