insignificant detail
It's gotten to the point of being ridiculous.
I'm supposed to go home with my sister to visit my parents and brother this weekend. i was all excited cus they'd be so happy to see me - i was gonna be a surprise, i thought, cus drea said they didnt know. i was gonna get hugs and my mom was gonna be excited to see me too (she never is excited to see me when she's expecting me. she generally just has me start doing housework after about a 1/2 hour of my presence... the only time she could give a shit is when i dont come home or if i bring guys home - she is either angry and depressed or just gives me a congratulatory look and then ignores me)
more than anything i need to feel wanted. i dont know how to express it except to say that i have yet to feel that way. i have yet to be with anyone who i feel actually wants me to be there. i know ppl want me around, but the fact of the matter is that i dont Feel it. and that makes all the world of difference.
so drea, being the more favored between the two of us (though she swears that she doesnt believe our parents have favorites - but isn't that what the favor child always says), will be fussed and fawned over and asked to drive mom dad and billy places... while harmony, without a bed in the house or a hole to hide in, will have to either sit in the backseat of the car and be ignored OR sit in the house and be ignored more with less chance of actually seeing friends from home.
it gets better. Mel might be coming home too. mel is drea's best friend and housemate. my parents fuss over mel just as much as they do over billy or drea. so with dad and mom's attention on them, my presence is pointless. my plan was to tell drea nevermind, then talk to austin and see if, even on short notice, he'd be willing to hang out. plan failed. i didnt even get to the second half of it. I told drea that maybe she should just go home without me and she's like that's not fair... mom and dad are expecting you to come home
dumbass blew the secret. any reason i had to believe that my visiting home would be worthwhile has just been ripped from my grasp. Now, i HAVE to go home - ignored and rejected or not. if i dont go home, my mom and dad will take it personally and assume that i hate them and that i really am trying to get away from them.
so now i have no choice. i'm going home. i will be ignored. or picked on and yelled at. or asked to fix the computer- o no... drea'll be home... and though i know more about computers than she does... she's the favored, so she'll be assumed to know more than i do... despite all the evidence that points to the contrary.
i'm not allowed to choose... i have this life now, and i'm not even allowed to choose what i do with it. my ultimate source of empowerment was that i knew my life was mine. but it would appear that i was wrong. in my life, i'm still the same insignificant detail as i've always been.
I'm supposed to go home with my sister to visit my parents and brother this weekend. i was all excited cus they'd be so happy to see me - i was gonna be a surprise, i thought, cus drea said they didnt know. i was gonna get hugs and my mom was gonna be excited to see me too (she never is excited to see me when she's expecting me. she generally just has me start doing housework after about a 1/2 hour of my presence... the only time she could give a shit is when i dont come home or if i bring guys home - she is either angry and depressed or just gives me a congratulatory look and then ignores me)
more than anything i need to feel wanted. i dont know how to express it except to say that i have yet to feel that way. i have yet to be with anyone who i feel actually wants me to be there. i know ppl want me around, but the fact of the matter is that i dont Feel it. and that makes all the world of difference.
so drea, being the more favored between the two of us (though she swears that she doesnt believe our parents have favorites - but isn't that what the favor child always says), will be fussed and fawned over and asked to drive mom dad and billy places... while harmony, without a bed in the house or a hole to hide in, will have to either sit in the backseat of the car and be ignored OR sit in the house and be ignored more with less chance of actually seeing friends from home.
it gets better. Mel might be coming home too. mel is drea's best friend and housemate. my parents fuss over mel just as much as they do over billy or drea. so with dad and mom's attention on them, my presence is pointless. my plan was to tell drea nevermind, then talk to austin and see if, even on short notice, he'd be willing to hang out. plan failed. i didnt even get to the second half of it. I told drea that maybe she should just go home without me and she's like that's not fair... mom and dad are expecting you to come home
dumbass blew the secret. any reason i had to believe that my visiting home would be worthwhile has just been ripped from my grasp. Now, i HAVE to go home - ignored and rejected or not. if i dont go home, my mom and dad will take it personally and assume that i hate them and that i really am trying to get away from them.
so now i have no choice. i'm going home. i will be ignored. or picked on and yelled at. or asked to fix the computer- o no... drea'll be home... and though i know more about computers than she does... she's the favored, so she'll be assumed to know more than i do... despite all the evidence that points to the contrary.
i'm not allowed to choose... i have this life now, and i'm not even allowed to choose what i do with it. my ultimate source of empowerment was that i knew my life was mine. but it would appear that i was wrong. in my life, i'm still the same insignificant detail as i've always been.