dream
I was walking past my near-dead rosemary plant just a moment ago and suddenly remembered a dream i had either last night or the night before. It involved my mother feeding me something with the branches of that same near-dead rosemary plant. In the dream, I said something like, "Why did you use this? It was mine." to which she said, "I didn't think you'd mind, sweetie, it was dead."
Now, I haven't seriously thought I could interpret dreams for about 4 years now, way back in freshmen year when i thought a lot about the supernatural. But I feel like this one means something. To be honest, that rosemary is probably fully dead. Jim thinks it is, and I'm clinging to the hope that when warm weather returns, my once-fruitful plant herb will be revived. I don't know if that's relevant, that i'm holding on to a hope that will not be fulfilled. What I do think is important is that something i find important (the rosemary, i loved that little guy, it was the first time i didn't murder a plant, including various cactus over the years), is being taken for granted, that my mother is unfazed by my being upset/disappointed. It's true to life, it's what i think when i think about my family - they always seemed to be unfazed by anything regarding me, and not in the good way, where i'm always doing one fool thing or another, but in the bad way where it never mattered to begin with. This is a concept i'm constantly re-realizing. I try to pretend like i'm being too hard on them, but i'm not. at all. I'm being kind. It is that disconnection between my parents/family and myself that i struggle to write about in some way that feels right. I don't know. Maybe it's why I'll always write, but it's painful. That my mother would feed me twigs doesn't bother me. But they were my twigs, my plant that she had no regard for. And somehow, I feel that it means that they have no regard for me.
I'm not sure if this is coming across as comprehensible, or if i'm blathering. Doesn't matter. I just needed to put it down, put it out there, and let it go, again, until the next time i need to wallow.
Now, I haven't seriously thought I could interpret dreams for about 4 years now, way back in freshmen year when i thought a lot about the supernatural. But I feel like this one means something. To be honest, that rosemary is probably fully dead. Jim thinks it is, and I'm clinging to the hope that when warm weather returns, my once-fruitful plant herb will be revived. I don't know if that's relevant, that i'm holding on to a hope that will not be fulfilled. What I do think is important is that something i find important (the rosemary, i loved that little guy, it was the first time i didn't murder a plant, including various cactus over the years), is being taken for granted, that my mother is unfazed by my being upset/disappointed. It's true to life, it's what i think when i think about my family - they always seemed to be unfazed by anything regarding me, and not in the good way, where i'm always doing one fool thing or another, but in the bad way where it never mattered to begin with. This is a concept i'm constantly re-realizing. I try to pretend like i'm being too hard on them, but i'm not. at all. I'm being kind. It is that disconnection between my parents/family and myself that i struggle to write about in some way that feels right. I don't know. Maybe it's why I'll always write, but it's painful. That my mother would feed me twigs doesn't bother me. But they were my twigs, my plant that she had no regard for. And somehow, I feel that it means that they have no regard for me.
I'm not sure if this is coming across as comprehensible, or if i'm blathering. Doesn't matter. I just needed to put it down, put it out there, and let it go, again, until the next time i need to wallow.