FIC: Then and Now, PG, Tom/Bill, 1/1

[th_fanfic_mods]

Title: Then and Now
Author: ???
Pairing(s): Bill/Tom
Rating: PG
Warnings: Maybe a bit of angst at the end.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot and even that is not entirely mine, but burrowed to suit the story.
Summary: The kiss of the past and future, of beginnings and ends, was a pact to always be together.
FQF Prompt: 174. Bill/Tom, fic or art: The story of their first kiss. And the story of their last kiss. Doesn't have to be HEA, or even fully twincestuous. Melancholic, angsty, emotionally heart wrenching writing/editing also very much desired! Submitted by snowstormskies
Author's notes: I hope I'm still in the guidelines of what you wanted.



Then...

There was no way Bill was going to do this.

What exactly was Tom expecting him to do here? Stand, watch and give out pointers? Say where he did well and where he sucked? Because he absolutely refused to even say anything for or against the current makeout session, but he was not going to stand around and watch it either. He actually WANTED to keep his food in his stomach.

Sometimes, he truly questioned his brother's taste in girls, because he himself would go for an older woman (if he even had to choose) since for sure they wouldn't be as clingy as girls their age would be.

At this point, being seventeen was not the most exciting of experiences, but in a few days it would be their 18th birthday which, hopefully, would be a sign of even more independence, more freedom.

And freedom of being able to do whatever he wanted was the most important thing to him.

He didn't like restrictions to things he could do, rules set when he could always find his way around them or guidelines to how he was supposed to be behave because, excuse the ‘fuck you’, but he didn't do guidelines.

They were out in a club, closing in on midnight, and all he wanted to do was go to bed and ignore the pounding in his head that matched the pounding of the music and the way it vibrated all along his body. The drink in his hand was not going to his head quick enough to have everything become just one giant blur around the edges, so he had full on access from the second level of the club to where his twin was on the ground below, groping and being all in this girl's space.

What made him cranky though, was the fact that he had wanted to spend the evening with his brother, so that they could go over plans for their big party for their 18th birthday. Yet to try and get a straight answer from Tom had proved just about as useless as his attention span when it came to things unrelated to their current life items.

Someone tapped his shoulder and Bill turned, seeing Gustav there. “Hey, Gustav. How are you?”

With a shrug, Gustav moved to stand next to him, drinking from the beer he could drink guilt free.

“Bored.”

Laughing, Bill leaned against the railing and gave his back to what was going on down in the main dance floor, giving his friend his full attention. “I'm a bit bored too, but Tom's sure having fun.”

Grunting, Gustav clearly looked on ahead to where Bill’s attention had been. “If he doesn't catch a disease, I'd be shocked.”

“Tom?” Bill asked, as if the thought hadn't crossed his mind more than a hundred times a week. “He's usually pretty careful. Trust me, if he was stupid, I'd make sure he knows it.”

“He's stupid every day, but that's not even a nice looking girl.”

Bill didn't really want to look at her, but Gustav's assessment of her forced him to turn back around and really look at her, because he certainly wanted to find clear flaws in her so he has more than enough reason to give Tom a piece of his mind about it.

She was pretty much wrapped around Tom, her hands brushing his face, lips, neck, moving down to his chest and if he wasn't mistaken, though oh god he wish he was, she was playing with his left nipple.

Bill shuddered, feeling the thrill of pleasure that Tom was feeling because of it and he knew that if Tom could, he'd let her go further and he could take her back to his room; that was what Bill wanted to avoid, if possible.

She was a brunette and curvy. He could see what Tom would find interesting in groping, as there was a lot to grope, but Bill had just never been a fan of heavy groping in clubs, even if related to dancing. He wasn't immune to heavy make-out sessions, but he just didn't do groping in public.

“She's got a great body though,” Bill admitted, because he did like that in a girl as well. “But I think Tom's a bit too desperate right now for sex to be nice about it.”

Gustav said nothing to that, at first, but then as he kept on looking while drinking his beer, he eventually said what's on his mind.

“She's alright, but not my kind of girl. I don't like the desperate girls that throw themselves at you...though when you want a quick one, they'll be more than willing. I get more satisfaction out of a challenge, if she's worth chasing.”

He frowns. “For sex?”

“For everything.”

“You're pretty much saying what I've said all along, Gustav. That's why cheap sex like that is not worth it sometimes.”

Gustav shrugged. “If you just want to scratch an itch and there's no one there, you work through it or find anyone willing to scratch it. I do know the value of finding someone that is not only willing to scratch the itch, but to know when you want it done and when you don't.”

“What about love?”

It was a subject that he knew he droned on about often, to the point of annoying for some people, but it was still something worth aspiring to find; he knew it was out there. It had to be.

“Bill, did you love any of your previous girlfriends?”

Slightly offended, Bill looked at his friend with a raised brow. “Of course I did, and they knew it too. I never go into a relationship if I don't feel strongly about a person. You know me better than that.”

“That's my point. You did find love in every single one of them. Some you had sex with and some you didn't, but that didn't make it cheap, right? So I'm just saying, sometimes having sex for the sake of that physical connection like Tom does, isn't always that bad. Maybe he's not ready to connect that way with anyone yet. Not everyone is.”

Pursing his lips, Bill took his eyes away from the dance floor again, feeling a sour taste in his mouth.

“I know he's not, that's the thing. One of these days, he's gonna find love smack him right in the face and he's gonna feel stupid.”

“Who's going to feel stupid?” Tom's slightly drunk voice piped up next to Bill and the latter turned in surprise.

“Weren't you just downstairs?”

His brother's quick, easy grin met his eyes. “Yep, but I already got her number. Now I just want to drink.”

Snorting, Gustav said, “You already sound like you had enough. You're going to get your ass kicked for that. We weren't supposed to overdo it.”

Tom waved a hand. “Pfft, they can't kick my ass. Like they haven't thrown the drinks in our laps since we were fifteen anyway.”

“Where's Georg?” Gustav asked him and Bill realized then that they hadn't seen the bassist for quite some time, at least since he and Tom went down together roughly two hours ago.

Tom turned to look down and scan the crowd, though Bill wasn't sure how he could see when his vision must be blurry as hell.

At least they still had that, the things they felt from each other, and though that's something they never shared with anyone, it was quite thrilling to see how much they could make the other feel just for shits and giggles.

“He's down there somewhere,” Tom's inebriated voice commented, as he waved a hand in that general direction after a few more seconds of scanning.

“I'll get him,” Gustav volunteered himself and disappeared downstairs with the same stealth Tom himself had used when joining them upstairs, leaving Bill confused as to how they both kept doing that without him noticing.

So Bill took that moment to look at his brother through the corner of his eye; Tom was drinking a beer Bill hadn't seen in his hand moments before.

“So what's bothering you?” Tom suddenly blurted, forcing Bill to stop trying to sneak glances at him and face him full on.

“Nothing,” Bill immediately responded with, knowing that Tom would know he was lying, but it was a reflexive kind of answer.

“Liar,” Tom snorted, turning his back to the crowd below as he leaned against the railing next to him. “You've been all over the place tonight and now you're just pissed or annoyed. So what is it?”

There were several ways Bill could answer that, but not a single one of them were on his top priority when it came to solving it or even discussing it; he just wanted to go back home.

“When Gustav finds Georg, can we just go back to the hotel? I'm tired and I'm not even enjoying the music here.”

Tom gave a shrug and took out his phone to check it, and Bill was sure he was entering the new girl's name in his contacts. “Sure.”

Once Gustav came back with an equally drunk Georg, all four met up with their security team so they could leave the club without any problems. Piling up into the van once it came around, Bill found himself squeezed between Tom and the window, feeling the heat coming off his brother by just their legs touching.

Tom threw an arm around the back of his seat and just started chattering away about how it had gone for his night, and then that got Georg started on how his night had gone, which just made Gustav participate just for the sake of telling them how they were both not nearly as awesome as he was. Bill just let their voices fade around him.

Two days, he thought, thinking about their birthday. Looking down at his brand new tattoo, he thought of how the freedom just waiting around the edges was all he looked forward to.

He just had to get through trying to keep Tom's attention from wandering too far from this, because it wasn't just Bill's own independence, but Tom's as well. This was both their freedom.

Once everyone was dropped off and escorted up to their floor and rooms, Bill dropped his bag and started to undress, wanting to shower and drop gratefully into his bed. Tom had his own room this time, so Bill didn't have to worry about him taking the first shower from him, so he gathered up his toiletries and headed to the bathroom, taking his own sweet time until he felt clean and fresh again.

In the middle of dressing up for bed, there was a knock on his door. Somehow, Bill knew that it had to be Tom, so he just walked over and opened the door, poking out his head.

Tom had already showered too, wearing only socks, a shirt and his boxers, and holding up bags of skittles, gummies and sour candy. “Let me in and I’ll share.”

His night was instantly made. “Oh, fuck yes.” He stepped back to let him through and closed the door behind him, locking it, because even if Tom ended up going back to his room, he could lock it again behind him. “I forgot you had those. Awesome.”

They both sat down on the bed side by side, sharing all the goodies between them, knowing full well that regardless of all the drinks they had and how they would most likely have hungovers tomorrow, this was the true highlight.

“So you gonna tell me why you were pissed tonight or have me guess?”

It was a downright curse sometimes, having Tom know he was upset even before he expressed it himself out loud.

Trying to shrug it off, Bill went with something that was as close to the truth as possible, though what the actual truth was, he wasn't sure yet. “I wasn't having a good time, the drinks were expensive and the music wasn't that good. I just stayed there chatting with Dunja for a bit, but then she left and you were dancing with that girl.”

Munching on skittles, Tom still didn't look convinced. His dreads were down, because Bill always tried to give him scalp massages to ease the pressure and even if they weren't sharing a room, it just happened anyway. “I didn't pick her, she found me.”

Bill shrugged, because it honestly didn't matter anymore, now that they were away from the club, Tom was here and he had goodies. “I don't care. She had a nice body though. Did you want to do it?”

“Have sex with her? Sure, but I knew she still wasn't gonna come with me,” Tom replied, shifting around and laying his head over Bill's lap, the sign for him to start massaging his head because it was sore, picking up the bag of skittles to set it over his chest. “Didn't think I'd be having sex tonight anyway.”

Picking up the heavy dreads to lay them over his lap as well, Bill started the slow scalp massage. “How come?”

“Because I wanted to give you your present early.”

Eyes widening, Bill's hands stopped. “Tom, no! We already agreed that we weren't giving each other anything until we went back home.”

Laughing, Tom just stared up at him. “Relax, will you? It's not like I got you anything hugely expensive, so you don't have to feel bad.”

Groaning, Bill just felt like an ass, because he had certainly kept up with their promise and didn't even worry about a present. “I still wish you hadn't, because now I'm going to have to get you something.”

Tom sat up again and then shifted around on his knees to face him, looking him square in the face with surprisingly sobered eyes. “Calm down. And I don't care if you didn't get me anything. You're with me every day, why would I want something else? Yeah, you're a pain in my ass sometimes, but you know I still love you. I'm not trading you in yet for another brother.”

Bill slapped his arm, even if he found the revelation a bit too corny for Tom's taste. “And you're a pain in mine, but you know I love you too...though I should consider asking for another older brother.”

“That's never happening. I'm too awesome and you know it.”

“Of course you are, what was I thinking?”

Both stared at each other for a second before they both burst out laughing and just like that, Bill's dark cloud just lifted, because at the end of the day, Tom still ended up choosing him first.

They got back to eating as much of the candy as they could without making themselves sick and after Tom finished getting his scalp massage, he went back to sitting next to Bill on the bed. They had turned on the television to try and find some mindless movie that they could fall asleep to, Bill laying his head on Tom's shoulder and not even realizing when he had closed his eyes and fallen asleep.

The next time he woke up, the television was still playing but he was alone in bed, thinking that Tom must have gone back to his room but left it on so Bill didn't wake up. Yawning, Bill rubbed his eyes and searched for the remote, but then heard a noise coming from the bathroom and then the room was flooded in temporary light before it was turned off, Tom coming out of it, yawning himself.

Bill fluffed up his pillow and laid back down under the covers. “Are you staying?”

The bed dipped again as Tom sat down and pulled back the covers to lay himself back down, with a cough. “Yeah. Don't fancy going back to my room when the bed's gonna be all cold.”

Bill nodded and closes his eyes. “Goodnight, Tom.”

When he felt the bed shift again and Tom's face hovering over his, Bill opened his eyes again, staring up curiously at him. “You okay?”

“I didn't give you your present yet,” Tom murmured and Bill felt the clear anxious feeling coming from him. “Just don't know if now's the right time.”

With a reassuring smile, Bill cupped his cheek. “Tomi, it's okay. You can give it to me tomorrow, okay?”

He couldn't shake it, this nervousness that was clearly coming off from Tom and Bill started to worry that something was really bothering his brother and he was trying to find a way to tell him. But before he could even ask him if he wanted to talk about it, Tom leaned down to brush his lips ever so softly over his, immediately feeling something shift he hadn't anticipated.

But the kiss ended just there and Bill had no chance to react, other than force himself to start breathing, because he had apparently stopped, unsure of what just happened.

He must have turned off the television in the meantime, because his face was in shadow and Bill couldn't read him other than from the emotions he was sensing, which right now were bouncing between nervous, anxious, upset and embarrassed.

“Sorry,” Tom murmured, laying back down on the bed but putting as much distance between them and Bill was still confused as to why Tom was so bothered by and why he felt he had to apologize. Though they give each other kisses on the cheek before, they had never touched lips because it wasn't something that had ever occurred to them.

He was determined, however, to not let that ruin the rest of their night, so he just touched his lips and smiled a little. “It's okay. I'll call it my goodnight kiss.”

Tom looked over at him and though Bill couldn't see him completely, he knew that, seeing the shadow of his face. “You're not mad?”

Sighing softly, Bill just laid back down on the pillow. “No. It was sweet, but I'm not gonna make fun of you for it.”

It must have been what Tom needed to hear, because he seemed to relax and breathe normal after that. “Okay. We should go back to sleep now though.”

“Mhm. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Bill.”

It wasn't until hours later, and a few years down the line, that Bill wondered if that had been the gift Tom meant to give him all along.

Now...

Bill looked at himself in the mirror after his hair was buzzed off and wondered when or how everything had started out so well and now seemed to be falling all around them.

Tom stood just a few spaces behind him, checking up to make sure he hadn't missed a spot, still torn between how he felt about the change and the underlying reason why he had done it.

Their eyes met in the mirror and Bill knew nothing will ever be the way it used to be.

They weren't the same anymore and in a way, Bill was tired of who he used to be.

“It'll grow back, but really, I don't give a shit anymore. Fuck it.”

Tom just leaned against the wall and watched him. “I know. I don't care about that. Hair is hair.”

With a sharp nod, Bill's eyes meet his. “Ready to take the picture? I know just what I'm going to say too.”

Fangirls had come and gone, new ones had taken over, privacy was as scarce as they could struggle to make it and trust had been broken until severed. Their trust, their smiles, some days they seemed forced, but what remained constant was the tight hold they each had towards the band that they had helped, with the held of others, be what it was today.

To some, Tokio Hotel was done, past their prime.

To others, it was simply them being reborn.

To them, it was either a break or they themselves would break.

Bill himself didn't feel quite whole anymore, and even though Tom had never left his side once and now had Ria in his life, Bill was still missing something.

He was looking for it, almost every day, but that something was known only to him and his heart, but Tom understood it.

He respected it, and let Bill find his way to it, somehow.

Tom had the phone in hand, but he hadn't moved from his spot yet, looking for the first time, unsure.

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

Was he? Bill still wasn't sure, but it was the only answer he had to give, just plain tired of having to justify everything he wanted to do with his life, professionally or personally.

He looked down at his Freiheit tattoo and thought of how he used to think that it would have been a turning point in his life; but while not everything had turned out bad at all, he had continued to lose and gain, to fight or take flight, from everything that still came at him, no matter which way he went.

“It'll never change, will it?” he murmured, but if to himself or Tom he's not sure.

Tom moved then and set the camera down, wrapping his arms around him, supporting him, not needing to say anything because nothing needed to be said.

Bill knew what Tom wanted to say, just from that alone.

Setting his tattooed hand over Bill's chest, Bill just covered it with his own, and met his twin's eyes in the mirror.

“I know you will.”

Turning around, Bill cupped the back of Tom's neck and this time, he was the one that kissed Tom.

The future was uncertain, but it would continue to be what they would make of it; no matter what happened, Bill knew that Tom would never leave him.

The kiss of the past and future, of beginnings and ends, was a pact to always be together.

Tom's gift and promise.