I may be 18.5 today, but I still have time to be an angsty teenager
I'm tired.
It's not that I want to go home or am homesick, I just need a goddamn break. It's the end of the year, and I don't want to go home, back to where I'm nobody, back to where my parents are convinced I really don't need a social life, back to where my own life is not dictated by me. Yet, I don't really want to be at school, either. The year has been wearing on me. I love my classes this quarter, they've been wonderful and interesting and enlightening, but all the same, I've managed to fall behind and am starting to feel the motivation slipping away. It's been a drag the past couple of weeks, and I hate it. I need something new to happen. Every day is more or less the same, and that's not the way it used to be. I used to be so busy, so excited about everything, meeting new people every day, running around and having fun. Now there's too much to worry about, I see the same people constantly, and there's nothing new. I have to shake things up, somehow. I just don't know what'll do the trick to change the daily monotone my life has become.
The thing about Santa Cruz is that everyone is sooooo chill. It's a great thing, and I love that people are so accepting and open-minded here. But at the same time, it is way too much! I try to get people excited, I try to get everyone together to have a good time, but they just aren't having it. There's no enthusiasm, and when there is, I feel like I'm annoying people, like they just want to go back to getting stoned or back on the computer for WoW or procrastinating or whatever. I'm thinking I should just give up. Too much effort for such meager response. People are telling me they don't believe in making a big fuss out of the stuff I decide to celebrate. Like it's a boycott or something. I want a life full of vibrance, full of people having fun together, and making our time in college and heck, on Earth, worth the stay. Is that too much to ask for? Damn people don't even have opinions. It's always like, ah, whatever you want to do, I don't really care. So I get all pumped and go YEAHHH LET'S GO DRESS UP ALL FANCY AND GO TO THE DINING HALL AND PEOPLE WILL BE LIKE WHOAAAA AND IT'LL BE AWESOME AND IT'LL BE GOOD TIMES. When in actuality they don't really want to go all out or do something big so they pull this passive-aggressive crap and nothing ends up happening. Fuck. Fuck that. And it happens, everything I do. Every idea I have for us to get outta the goddamn res halls gets shot down.
My energy is running low. My self-esteem is running low. My boredom is breaking the fucking meter.
Maybe that's the thing about doing things in big groups. People get that grouplike mentality. Oh no, I'll only do it if everyone else does it, oh my friend isn't going so screw that! I don't feel like meeting people so I'll just stay in my room, camped out in front of facebook, because it's exponentially cooler than whatever you decide to do!
Maybe my ideas are just insane and annoying. What do I do, then? I'm dying here without excitement in my life. Random shit is how I deal with my feelings, and now I haven't the heart to even bother people with my random shit anymore. Now I'm internally messed up, and I have no idea how to handle everything. I'm skipping classes and it's only the last couple of weeks. I should be sprinting the home stretch, but instead, I'm the one camped out in front of the computer. My life has experienced a complete turnaround since the past few quarters, and this is NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING.
I'm so fucking exhausted.