"19th Wedding Anniversary" Fic - Chapter 8 - Peter's Response
AN: This is my best attempt at creating the vital conversation the series is unlikely to ever give us. Hope it gives you, and the Florricks, the closure we all deserve!
My extreme gratitude for hand holding and feedback goes to Sabrina & Jami, without whom the conversation in chapters 7 & 8 would never have been finished. Thanks a million!
~~~~~~~~~
Sitting there, listening to her actually verbalize all that I had put her through and really hearing how it affected her…seeing her pain…for the first time was almost more than I could handle.
I wanted to vomit. I wanted to run. I wanted to make it go away, but I knew I had to face it. We had to face the devastation, together for a change, if we were ever going to have a realistic hope of improving our fractured relationship.
It was honestly heartbreaking to face the truth of what my actions had cost us both, but I knew I owed Alicia the chance to tell me her side. I wanted to know, but it was so hard to hear. Everything in me wanted to console her…to take away her pain…to make things right between us again.
It was really difficult to refrain from interrupting her…especially when she spoke of getting checked for STDs. I hated myself in that moment, realizing I had been so self-focused at the time that I never even thought about contracting anything-never mind passing something horrible on to Alicia. That dodged bullet alone made me breathe a sigh of relief, realizing again how fortunate I had been.
I reached down and picked up her hand then, lightly stroking over the back of it with my thumb. I waited for a long moment to be certain she was finished. Then, clearing my throat and sniffling to clear the emotion from my voice, I began my response.
"I don't want to make excuses, Alicia-for my behavior or my mindset at the time. You're right. I was thinking selfishly, for so long, and my behavior was reckless and destructive. I see that now."
I inhaled a sharp breath, the gravity of my actions weighing heavily on me. "It scares the hell out of me to look back and realize how careless I was…to think that I could have gotten us both infected with HIV or something else."
She shifted her position in front of me then, turning around to face me. She held my gaze, and I could see it in her expression as the realization of all the havoc that situation would have entailed coursed through her mind as it had through mine. "I don't know how I would have lived with that," I added, the emotion causing my voice to fluctuate like that of a teenage boy. "
"I'm sorry for everything I put you through, Babe," I said softly.
Moving my thumb down to her ring finger, I began twisting her wedding band just as she had done. Both of us looked at it as I spoke, taking comfort in the soothing, hypnotic ritual.
"I think, looking back," I began tentatively, "I felt like we weren't really connecting anymore. Not like this. I felt like we were strangers sharing a house, kids, and a bed but not really relating to each other…at least not consistently."
"I didn't know how to deal with that," I continued…pausing for a moment to really sift through the memories and organize my thoughts. "I didn't know how to try to reach out any differently to improve things." I shrugged, remembering the helplessness and frustration.
"I wasn't sure if it was just me feeling dissatisfied," I said, rubbing my hand along the back of my neck. "I wondered if I might rock the boat if I said something. I was lonely, and I was feeling increasing pressure at work. The stress and opportunity combined, and I took the bait." I sighed, realizing how lame it sounded, though it was true.
I shrugged again, running my hand through my hair. "I was only thinking of myself for so long, and I just chose not to see the repercussions of my choices." I gently moved my fingertips under her chin, a silent request for her to look at me. "It was wrong, Alicia," I said when she looked up. "I'm ashamed that I am the cause of so much undeserved pain…yours and the kids'. I never intended to hurt you. I'm sorry."
A small, sad smile disappeared as quickly as it came with her almost inaudible, "Thank you."
I twisted the ring again, and we both looked back at our joined hands. "I've made so many mistakes in our marriage," I said. "I took you for granted, Alicia...I took what we had for granted. But I've been watching you discover yourself again," I said, moving my head to peer at her face once more.
"I've seen you come alive in court. I am so proud of you, Babe." I smiled, rubbing her arm gently. "I realize now just how much a part of me you are. You really are the other half of me, Alicia...the truly better half. You keep me grounded," I said, squeezing her hand again, and I was encouraged when I felt her tighten her grip around my own.
I continued. "I lost sight of who we were together…who I wanted to be in relation to you. I see that now. But it was never your fault, Alicia," I said, once again squeezing her hand for emphasis. I watched her close her eyes then, but I wasn't sure if her reaction was relief or disbelief. The urge in me was strong to reassure her in this, above all else, so I urged her to look me in the eyes again.
"I mean it, Alicia," I said, stroking her cheek. "You are so beautiful…inside and out. I missed you. I missed this," I said, indicating between us with my hand. "I wished we had spent time together then like we are right now. I missed us, and I made stupid choices."
She scoffed at the understatement that we both knew my choice of words was. "But my actions were not a reflection on you, Babe, as a woman or as my wife." I closed my eyes, frustrated with myself.
I smiled sadly at her then, tucking her hair behind her ear so I could see her face better. "You're all I want, Alicia. I'm sorry that I have ever made you doubt yourself or my love for you," I stated with emotion coating my throat heavily again. "I realize now that you're all I have ever needed. You're everything," I said, kissing her fingertips.
I pulled her gently into a hug again, and, for a moment, we sat with that revelation sinking in between us. I watched as Alicia dabbed at her eyes and nose with the tissue wad in her hand.
Then, I kissed her head before continuing. "It's going to take time, and there will be rough spots, but I believe our marriage is worth fighting to save. I believe the relationship we have together, not just as parents and public figures, but as husband and wife…is worth the effort. Please don't give up on me…on us. I want us back like I've never wanted anything in my life, Alicia. Stronger than we ever used to be."
Alicia looked up at me then, opening her mouth as though a rebuttal was coming, so I placed my finger on her lips to stop her. Then I continued. "We have both grown and changed. We know the risks and the pitfalls now. We can make better choices going forward. I have seen the strong passionate woman I fell in love with reemerge, and I realize now how much you were in the shadows for so long. I want you beside me in life, Alicia, not behind me."
She made eye contact again, and her soft smile encouraged me. "I want to grow old with you in my arms, Babe. I know I don't deserve another chance, but that is exactly what I'm asking you for…a second chance."
I pulled her hand towards my chest, and squeezed it. "I don't just want to be a better politician. I want to be a better man." Taking a deep breath, I stated with all the conviction I felt, knowing now how much I stood to lose, "I want to be the kind of husband, lover, friend, companion, and confidante that you deserve, Alicia."
At that, she put her hand on top of mine, interlocking our fingers. I raised them up to my lips to kiss her knuckles and then leaned my head against hers again. I watched her close her eyes against the tears that slid silently down her cheeks.
My own throat was getting thick with emotion. "I love you, Alicia. I love you more than life. I want to spend the rest of my life endeavoring to deserve you-if you will let me." She took in a sharp breath before letting it slowly out. I took a deep mirroring breath before continuing. "I want to love, cherish, support, and respect you the way you deserve…to make up for all the times that I didn't do those things in the past."
She looked me in the eyes again then, and I said, "If you are willing to try, Babe, I'll do whatever it takes. I'll wait as long as you need. I'm all in for the rest of our lives, if you will have me."
I took a nervous breath and swallowed, needing her answer but unsure of what it would be. Summoning every ounce of courage left in me, I looked into her eyes and voiced the one question that bore the weight of our future. "Will you give me that chance?"
My extreme gratitude for hand holding and feedback goes to Sabrina & Jami, without whom the conversation in chapters 7 & 8 would never have been finished. Thanks a million!
~~~~~~~~~
Sitting there, listening to her actually verbalize all that I had put her through and really hearing how it affected her…seeing her pain…for the first time was almost more than I could handle.
I wanted to vomit. I wanted to run. I wanted to make it go away, but I knew I had to face it. We had to face the devastation, together for a change, if we were ever going to have a realistic hope of improving our fractured relationship.
It was honestly heartbreaking to face the truth of what my actions had cost us both, but I knew I owed Alicia the chance to tell me her side. I wanted to know, but it was so hard to hear. Everything in me wanted to console her…to take away her pain…to make things right between us again.
It was really difficult to refrain from interrupting her…especially when she spoke of getting checked for STDs. I hated myself in that moment, realizing I had been so self-focused at the time that I never even thought about contracting anything-never mind passing something horrible on to Alicia. That dodged bullet alone made me breathe a sigh of relief, realizing again how fortunate I had been.
I reached down and picked up her hand then, lightly stroking over the back of it with my thumb. I waited for a long moment to be certain she was finished. Then, clearing my throat and sniffling to clear the emotion from my voice, I began my response.
"I don't want to make excuses, Alicia-for my behavior or my mindset at the time. You're right. I was thinking selfishly, for so long, and my behavior was reckless and destructive. I see that now."
I inhaled a sharp breath, the gravity of my actions weighing heavily on me. "It scares the hell out of me to look back and realize how careless I was…to think that I could have gotten us both infected with HIV or something else."
She shifted her position in front of me then, turning around to face me. She held my gaze, and I could see it in her expression as the realization of all the havoc that situation would have entailed coursed through her mind as it had through mine. "I don't know how I would have lived with that," I added, the emotion causing my voice to fluctuate like that of a teenage boy. "
"I'm sorry for everything I put you through, Babe," I said softly.
Moving my thumb down to her ring finger, I began twisting her wedding band just as she had done. Both of us looked at it as I spoke, taking comfort in the soothing, hypnotic ritual.
"I think, looking back," I began tentatively, "I felt like we weren't really connecting anymore. Not like this. I felt like we were strangers sharing a house, kids, and a bed but not really relating to each other…at least not consistently."
"I didn't know how to deal with that," I continued…pausing for a moment to really sift through the memories and organize my thoughts. "I didn't know how to try to reach out any differently to improve things." I shrugged, remembering the helplessness and frustration.
"I wasn't sure if it was just me feeling dissatisfied," I said, rubbing my hand along the back of my neck. "I wondered if I might rock the boat if I said something. I was lonely, and I was feeling increasing pressure at work. The stress and opportunity combined, and I took the bait." I sighed, realizing how lame it sounded, though it was true.
I shrugged again, running my hand through my hair. "I was only thinking of myself for so long, and I just chose not to see the repercussions of my choices." I gently moved my fingertips under her chin, a silent request for her to look at me. "It was wrong, Alicia," I said when she looked up. "I'm ashamed that I am the cause of so much undeserved pain…yours and the kids'. I never intended to hurt you. I'm sorry."
A small, sad smile disappeared as quickly as it came with her almost inaudible, "Thank you."
I twisted the ring again, and we both looked back at our joined hands. "I've made so many mistakes in our marriage," I said. "I took you for granted, Alicia...I took what we had for granted. But I've been watching you discover yourself again," I said, moving my head to peer at her face once more.
"I've seen you come alive in court. I am so proud of you, Babe." I smiled, rubbing her arm gently. "I realize now just how much a part of me you are. You really are the other half of me, Alicia...the truly better half. You keep me grounded," I said, squeezing her hand again, and I was encouraged when I felt her tighten her grip around my own.
I continued. "I lost sight of who we were together…who I wanted to be in relation to you. I see that now. But it was never your fault, Alicia," I said, once again squeezing her hand for emphasis. I watched her close her eyes then, but I wasn't sure if her reaction was relief or disbelief. The urge in me was strong to reassure her in this, above all else, so I urged her to look me in the eyes again.
"I mean it, Alicia," I said, stroking her cheek. "You are so beautiful…inside and out. I missed you. I missed this," I said, indicating between us with my hand. "I wished we had spent time together then like we are right now. I missed us, and I made stupid choices."
She scoffed at the understatement that we both knew my choice of words was. "But my actions were not a reflection on you, Babe, as a woman or as my wife." I closed my eyes, frustrated with myself.
I smiled sadly at her then, tucking her hair behind her ear so I could see her face better. "You're all I want, Alicia. I'm sorry that I have ever made you doubt yourself or my love for you," I stated with emotion coating my throat heavily again. "I realize now that you're all I have ever needed. You're everything," I said, kissing her fingertips.
I pulled her gently into a hug again, and, for a moment, we sat with that revelation sinking in between us. I watched as Alicia dabbed at her eyes and nose with the tissue wad in her hand.
Then, I kissed her head before continuing. "It's going to take time, and there will be rough spots, but I believe our marriage is worth fighting to save. I believe the relationship we have together, not just as parents and public figures, but as husband and wife…is worth the effort. Please don't give up on me…on us. I want us back like I've never wanted anything in my life, Alicia. Stronger than we ever used to be."
Alicia looked up at me then, opening her mouth as though a rebuttal was coming, so I placed my finger on her lips to stop her. Then I continued. "We have both grown and changed. We know the risks and the pitfalls now. We can make better choices going forward. I have seen the strong passionate woman I fell in love with reemerge, and I realize now how much you were in the shadows for so long. I want you beside me in life, Alicia, not behind me."
She made eye contact again, and her soft smile encouraged me. "I want to grow old with you in my arms, Babe. I know I don't deserve another chance, but that is exactly what I'm asking you for…a second chance."
I pulled her hand towards my chest, and squeezed it. "I don't just want to be a better politician. I want to be a better man." Taking a deep breath, I stated with all the conviction I felt, knowing now how much I stood to lose, "I want to be the kind of husband, lover, friend, companion, and confidante that you deserve, Alicia."
At that, she put her hand on top of mine, interlocking our fingers. I raised them up to my lips to kiss her knuckles and then leaned my head against hers again. I watched her close her eyes against the tears that slid silently down her cheeks.
My own throat was getting thick with emotion. "I love you, Alicia. I love you more than life. I want to spend the rest of my life endeavoring to deserve you-if you will let me." She took in a sharp breath before letting it slowly out. I took a deep mirroring breath before continuing. "I want to love, cherish, support, and respect you the way you deserve…to make up for all the times that I didn't do those things in the past."
She looked me in the eyes again then, and I said, "If you are willing to try, Babe, I'll do whatever it takes. I'll wait as long as you need. I'm all in for the rest of our lives, if you will have me."
I took a nervous breath and swallowed, needing her answer but unsure of what it would be. Summoning every ounce of courage left in me, I looked into her eyes and voiced the one question that bore the weight of our future. "Will you give me that chance?"