(no subject)
i've been in a heavy state of depression for about 2 or 3 months. i havent told anyone, seeing as i'd be called a pussy and it would never been taken seriously.
theres a constant pressure on my chest. its the same pressure you feel when your seconds away from hysterical crying...only i am completely unable to break down. every second of the day, i want nothing more than to let that shit painful sadness out. a few tears will fall, but i can never push hysteria out. the only way that is sure to work is if i talk to someone. the first syllable would roll off my tongue, which would be immediately followed by my throat closing and the flood gates opening.
but i dont trust a soul with that. for those reading this, i know you're probably my friend, maybe even a good friend, but i've never had someone to be vulnerable with, other than paige. i recently almost got back together with her based solely on the fact that i needed security and comfort from someone. it's just a fucking shame that after 20 years and countless friends, i've had to hold back every fucking little thing, or else id get made fun of in some way or another. i know thats how "we" are, but i mentally can't accept that i cant tell anyone anything anymore. not only that, but most of my friends treat me with such disrespect, almost as if they're doing me a favor by being my friend and i have to make it up to them. and for the record, i said MOST of my friends. not just one, but not all either. i have never been shown the openness that i deserve.
and when i say "deserve," i say that with the utmost confidence and conviction. i know who i am. i know how i think. i have done SO fucking much for every one of my fucking friends. i never EVER fucking say no to anyone. it's not because im nice and i want to, it's because i have a huge conscience and an ego big enough that prevents me from saying/doing anything that will make people think less of me. it makes me physically sick if i know someone's mad at me because of something i did or didnt do, so i dont take those chances.
this led to me being walked all over by everyone.
year after year, as if i was everyones bitch
doing whatever i was told without any question
so my own fucking friends wouldnt be mad at me, and would maybe treat me with respect one day
but i digress
the depression has also recently manifested into an eating disorder. if im sober, i probably wont be eating anything. my stomach sucks the algae off my spine, yet looking at an amazing plate of pasta or the perfect burger, my mind tells my body that its absolutely disgusting, and upon ingestion, ill probably throw it up. my mom just made one of my favorite dinners, and all i could do was stare at it and try not to gag.
i've almost completely detached from reality in two ways.
first, in the sense that pain, happiness, fear, love, time, life, and death are becoming just words to me now. the relativity of everything in this universe is incredible, and we live in a world thats being destroyed by our own emotions. what are these feelings we have? impulses that get relayed to the enemy upstairs, which is followed by the "appropriate" physical and mental reaction.
what if you could deconstruct those "feelings?" it's a matter of constantly reminding yourself that what your feeling is only what your being told to feel.
then its a matter of getting the best of your brain, and telling it how you WANT to feel.
easier said than done.
i know that seems very strange for me to say, but if theres one upside to a constant depression, its that you're given a chance to really explore inner workings of your mind.
the second being that i'm forgetting what its like to "live." i've been house ridden due to the shear terror and awfulness that lays just beyond the front door, and spans as far as the eye can see. i no longer feel comfortable in the real world, so the safety of my room has been keeping me sane, and at the same time, driving me absolutely stir crazy.
last night, i laid in bed thinking about the future. every single thought that popped into my head scared the living shit out of me. becoming independent from my parents, having a job that im sure ill despise going to, the unavoidable death of everyone i know and love, and my own death being a burden on anyone left who cares.
pessimism
unfuckingavoidable now days.
so i smoke a shit load of weed every single day by myself. call it what you will, but it's one of the only thing keeping me from 24 hours of straight pain and suffering and allowing me to eat. its the only thing that will consistently not let me down. its the only guaranteed way that i know of that will let me be at total peace with the world.
as always, though, there's some kind of amazing irony that shits all over any solution
im beginning to believe that, in the long run, the weed is bringing out the depression even more.
plus, theres the fact that i only have one real friend to smoke with, while most of the others just think its a disgusting dirtbag habit.
why is it that i feel this way?
easy
everything written above
my self imprisonment has led to these consiquences, which in turn, up my sentence.
i'm struggling to keep my faith. my faith in god, humanity, and myself.
writing anymore is pointless.
EDIT****
ok so its about 20 min after i wrote all that and and i just smoked for the first time today, because i was so bummed about everything i wrote. but wtf hahaha. who the fuck do i think i am? haha was i trying to be artsy or something with the way i wrote it? well i guess that just goes to show you how much of a whiny little bitch i am when im sober. it sucks reading that shit when im like this, cuz i see just how pathetic im getting. my morals have always been to just have a good fucking time and live your life. dont worry about the world or how ridiculous nonsensical things work. why should i care? im not BEING sick. im just, well, sick.
**
3:30am
the high is gone, and once again my mind is swarmed full force with fear and sadness.
this is what it's come to. everyone in their right mind is fast asleep, and im sitting in 1984's most uncomfortable chair, debating whether or not to take a hit or 2 so i can go to sleep. it's come down to me breaking the law, scavenging and paying INSANE amounts or money for some solace and a return to normality in the form of a fucking plant. in order for me to function as a normal human being, i need to be high... and im all out. it's come down to me taring myself apart for a literal hour over my lack of weed, and if i should use up whats left to try and go to sleep, or save it for when i need it tomorrow.
i have to fucking STRESS about a mother fucking plant, because it keeps my life in balance.
i sound like a fucking junkie in training
fuck me....im so fucking fucked.
theres a constant pressure on my chest. its the same pressure you feel when your seconds away from hysterical crying...only i am completely unable to break down. every second of the day, i want nothing more than to let that shit painful sadness out. a few tears will fall, but i can never push hysteria out. the only way that is sure to work is if i talk to someone. the first syllable would roll off my tongue, which would be immediately followed by my throat closing and the flood gates opening.
but i dont trust a soul with that. for those reading this, i know you're probably my friend, maybe even a good friend, but i've never had someone to be vulnerable with, other than paige. i recently almost got back together with her based solely on the fact that i needed security and comfort from someone. it's just a fucking shame that after 20 years and countless friends, i've had to hold back every fucking little thing, or else id get made fun of in some way or another. i know thats how "we" are, but i mentally can't accept that i cant tell anyone anything anymore. not only that, but most of my friends treat me with such disrespect, almost as if they're doing me a favor by being my friend and i have to make it up to them. and for the record, i said MOST of my friends. not just one, but not all either. i have never been shown the openness that i deserve.
and when i say "deserve," i say that with the utmost confidence and conviction. i know who i am. i know how i think. i have done SO fucking much for every one of my fucking friends. i never EVER fucking say no to anyone. it's not because im nice and i want to, it's because i have a huge conscience and an ego big enough that prevents me from saying/doing anything that will make people think less of me. it makes me physically sick if i know someone's mad at me because of something i did or didnt do, so i dont take those chances.
this led to me being walked all over by everyone.
year after year, as if i was everyones bitch
doing whatever i was told without any question
so my own fucking friends wouldnt be mad at me, and would maybe treat me with respect one day
but i digress
the depression has also recently manifested into an eating disorder. if im sober, i probably wont be eating anything. my stomach sucks the algae off my spine, yet looking at an amazing plate of pasta or the perfect burger, my mind tells my body that its absolutely disgusting, and upon ingestion, ill probably throw it up. my mom just made one of my favorite dinners, and all i could do was stare at it and try not to gag.
i've almost completely detached from reality in two ways.
first, in the sense that pain, happiness, fear, love, time, life, and death are becoming just words to me now. the relativity of everything in this universe is incredible, and we live in a world thats being destroyed by our own emotions. what are these feelings we have? impulses that get relayed to the enemy upstairs, which is followed by the "appropriate" physical and mental reaction.
what if you could deconstruct those "feelings?" it's a matter of constantly reminding yourself that what your feeling is only what your being told to feel.
then its a matter of getting the best of your brain, and telling it how you WANT to feel.
easier said than done.
i know that seems very strange for me to say, but if theres one upside to a constant depression, its that you're given a chance to really explore inner workings of your mind.
the second being that i'm forgetting what its like to "live." i've been house ridden due to the shear terror and awfulness that lays just beyond the front door, and spans as far as the eye can see. i no longer feel comfortable in the real world, so the safety of my room has been keeping me sane, and at the same time, driving me absolutely stir crazy.
last night, i laid in bed thinking about the future. every single thought that popped into my head scared the living shit out of me. becoming independent from my parents, having a job that im sure ill despise going to, the unavoidable death of everyone i know and love, and my own death being a burden on anyone left who cares.
pessimism
unfuckingavoidable now days.
so i smoke a shit load of weed every single day by myself. call it what you will, but it's one of the only thing keeping me from 24 hours of straight pain and suffering and allowing me to eat. its the only thing that will consistently not let me down. its the only guaranteed way that i know of that will let me be at total peace with the world.
as always, though, there's some kind of amazing irony that shits all over any solution
im beginning to believe that, in the long run, the weed is bringing out the depression even more.
plus, theres the fact that i only have one real friend to smoke with, while most of the others just think its a disgusting dirtbag habit.
why is it that i feel this way?
easy
everything written above
my self imprisonment has led to these consiquences, which in turn, up my sentence.
i'm struggling to keep my faith. my faith in god, humanity, and myself.
writing anymore is pointless.
EDIT****
ok so its about 20 min after i wrote all that and and i just smoked for the first time today, because i was so bummed about everything i wrote. but wtf hahaha. who the fuck do i think i am? haha was i trying to be artsy or something with the way i wrote it? well i guess that just goes to show you how much of a whiny little bitch i am when im sober. it sucks reading that shit when im like this, cuz i see just how pathetic im getting. my morals have always been to just have a good fucking time and live your life. dont worry about the world or how ridiculous nonsensical things work. why should i care? im not BEING sick. im just, well, sick.
**
3:30am
the high is gone, and once again my mind is swarmed full force with fear and sadness.
this is what it's come to. everyone in their right mind is fast asleep, and im sitting in 1984's most uncomfortable chair, debating whether or not to take a hit or 2 so i can go to sleep. it's come down to me breaking the law, scavenging and paying INSANE amounts or money for some solace and a return to normality in the form of a fucking plant. in order for me to function as a normal human being, i need to be high... and im all out. it's come down to me taring myself apart for a literal hour over my lack of weed, and if i should use up whats left to try and go to sleep, or save it for when i need it tomorrow.
i have to fucking STRESS about a mother fucking plant, because it keeps my life in balance.
i sound like a fucking junkie in training
fuck me....im so fucking fucked.