Struggles.
I’ve been struggling. Not in the sense that soldiers struggle, or missionaries, or whatnot. But I’ve been struggling nonetheless. Struggling with compromise. I’ve come to a point tin my life, where I ponder the payoff of my sacrifices.
For the past few years, I’ve been sacrificing my health, finances, and wellbeing for my career. I want to be a chef.
No, that doesn't quire summarize it as adequately as I’d hoped it would. Let me rephrase:
I need to be a renowned chef. Not the kind of chef that most of the world knows; I couldn't care less about that. But I NEED to be the kind of chef other chefs talk about. Chefs like Feran Adria, Thomas Keller, Grant Atchaz, or fuck, while we're at it, Auguste Escoffier.
The kind of chef that other chefs look up to. My ego say that I have what it takes, but that little voice also says that I’m fucking stupid for even considering the possibility.
See, I know that I have the passion, drive and talent to make it all happen, but at the same time, that voice also tells me to face reality, and give in to the fact that I will never reach that level of greatness. Right now, the little voice of self-doubt is winning.
Segue; I’m chronically depressed. I’ll hit periods of depression for no reason at all, and usually power through it. I’ll admit to being in one of these phases. The difference is I have a reason this time. Yes, this time around, I have something to focus my depression on, a legitimate reason: Sacrifice.
For the past few years, I’ve sacrificed things that may seem trivial to other people; my social life, my love life, my personal finances, my overall well-being. you see, in working toward my goal, I’ve worked hard, to the point that I’m not going out and "partying," to the point that I’ve given up higher paying jobs for ones that I’d learn more "kitchen tricks and secrets," to the point that I’ve forsaken the possibility of being with my one true love (granted, she is in another country entirely, but that is easily fixed). The problem I’m going through, the thing that is irking me beyond words is "is it worth it?"
Is It Worth It?
I’m a firm believer in the statement "Good is the enemy of Greatness." So much so that I have it tattooed on my collarbones, backwards, as a reminder, every day, when I look in the mirror, that no matter how hard I work, good just isn't good enough.
When I’m older, have kids and they ask me, "Daddy, what did you want to be when you were a kid?", I want to be able to look them in the eye and say, "Well, it's exactly what I’m doing now."
Too often is that same question answered with, "well, I wanted to be _____, but since I met your mom and had you guys, that all changed."
I don't want to lay that kind of guilt on my family. I want to be able to look every single one of them in the eye and say, "I'm doing exactly what I wanted to be doing."
But what if it doesn't come to that? What if, after all my hard work and sacrifice, I still don't measure up? What if my best isn't good enough?
That's where I’m at right now.
What if I’ve committed myself to a fool's errand?
What if it was all just ego? I’m notorious for my ego.
Incidentally, just as often as the above, I hear another question; "what is your one regret in life?" and it is usually directed to the people successful in life. The answer: "I wish that I’d spent more time focusing on the important things, like family."
So what is it to be? The failed success or the successful failure?
--T
For the past few years, I’ve been sacrificing my health, finances, and wellbeing for my career. I want to be a chef.
No, that doesn't quire summarize it as adequately as I’d hoped it would. Let me rephrase:
I need to be a renowned chef. Not the kind of chef that most of the world knows; I couldn't care less about that. But I NEED to be the kind of chef other chefs talk about. Chefs like Feran Adria, Thomas Keller, Grant Atchaz, or fuck, while we're at it, Auguste Escoffier.
The kind of chef that other chefs look up to. My ego say that I have what it takes, but that little voice also says that I’m fucking stupid for even considering the possibility.
See, I know that I have the passion, drive and talent to make it all happen, but at the same time, that voice also tells me to face reality, and give in to the fact that I will never reach that level of greatness. Right now, the little voice of self-doubt is winning.
Segue; I’m chronically depressed. I’ll hit periods of depression for no reason at all, and usually power through it. I’ll admit to being in one of these phases. The difference is I have a reason this time. Yes, this time around, I have something to focus my depression on, a legitimate reason: Sacrifice.
For the past few years, I’ve sacrificed things that may seem trivial to other people; my social life, my love life, my personal finances, my overall well-being. you see, in working toward my goal, I’ve worked hard, to the point that I’m not going out and "partying," to the point that I’ve given up higher paying jobs for ones that I’d learn more "kitchen tricks and secrets," to the point that I’ve forsaken the possibility of being with my one true love (granted, she is in another country entirely, but that is easily fixed). The problem I’m going through, the thing that is irking me beyond words is "is it worth it?"
Is It Worth It?
I’m a firm believer in the statement "Good is the enemy of Greatness." So much so that I have it tattooed on my collarbones, backwards, as a reminder, every day, when I look in the mirror, that no matter how hard I work, good just isn't good enough.
When I’m older, have kids and they ask me, "Daddy, what did you want to be when you were a kid?", I want to be able to look them in the eye and say, "Well, it's exactly what I’m doing now."
Too often is that same question answered with, "well, I wanted to be _____, but since I met your mom and had you guys, that all changed."
I don't want to lay that kind of guilt on my family. I want to be able to look every single one of them in the eye and say, "I'm doing exactly what I wanted to be doing."
But what if it doesn't come to that? What if, after all my hard work and sacrifice, I still don't measure up? What if my best isn't good enough?
That's where I’m at right now.
What if I’ve committed myself to a fool's errand?
What if it was all just ego? I’m notorious for my ego.
Incidentally, just as often as the above, I hear another question; "what is your one regret in life?" and it is usually directed to the people successful in life. The answer: "I wish that I’d spent more time focusing on the important things, like family."
So what is it to be? The failed success or the successful failure?
--T