The Zodiac Sucks
Horoscopes are bullshit. If I had MY way, not only would "astrologers" such as that infidel Miss Cleo be mauled by bears, repaired by doctors, then mauled by doctors and repaired by bears on a daily basis, I would write all the horoscopes myself. If the symbol and dates are wrong, its because I changed them to the way I felt they should be.
January- The Pubic Lice. Named for the most pestilent of all creatures, you have an affinty for nesting in others' pubic hair, and then staying there for extended period of time. You particularly enjoy old people, as they tend to be boring.
February- The Fat Greek Midget Who Flies Around With a Toga and Arrows. Nobody really understands you, mostly because February is symbolized by romance, which nobody really has, thus we have come to despise you and your accursed chocolates. Damn you Cupid! Daaaaamn Youuuuu!
INTERJECTION MY BROTHER GAVE HIS SCREEN NAME TO SOME OF HIS MIDDLE SCHOOL FRIENDS, AND NOW THEY WONT STOP COMPLAINING TO ME ABOUT RANDOM STUFF THAT EITHER DOESN'T INVOLVE ME OR...OH!!! WAIT!!!! NONE OF IT INVOLVES ME!!!!!!!! SO GO TO HELL!!! ALL OF YOU!!!!! SKHADSDKHFSDKFGH!!!
I hate all of them
March- The Overweight Middle-aged White Woman. You ate a bit too much chocolate around Valentine's Day, or maybe all those Cupid Arrows are weighing you down. Either way, those pants you're holding DEFINITELY fit a month ago.
April- The Lumberjack. You are a badass. Plain and simple. If someone messes with you, you pull out your axe and send them back to school. You sleep all night cuz you work all day, you cut down trees, you wear flannel, and you eat pancakes. You also hunt bears and drink Canadian beer. (I was born in april.)
May- The Convicted Felon. You commited several felonies in a 5-hour crime spree while trying to recreate the Battle of Fredericksburg that went awry, and you ended up locked in the vault at First National Bank with an assault rifle and a prayer, even as the fuzz brought out the dogs to chase your felon ass down.
June- The Heat Rash. Anyone who lives in the south and played soccer for upwards of 4 hours a day in the middle of the sweltering afternoons on that desert known as Sequoyah Park in the middle of Bumblefuck, Nowhere knows what I'm talking about. You know, where it gets so hot you break out in hives and collapse and twitch about on the ground? Okay, okay...it never happened to me either. But it seems like a good way to get out of conditioning. Hmmm...
July- The Polar Bear. I saw the Polar Bears in the middle of July at the Kentucky Zoo one time, it was like 500 degrees outside, and while waiting for my pot roast to cook on the sidewalk, along with some roasted vegetables and biscuits, I watched the Polar Bears. If Polar Bears could write, they would've written " IT IS SO GOD DAMNED HOT" ALL OVER the walls of their cell. Or exhibit. Whatever. Then they figured out that the water was like .1 degree celsius, so they spent the rest of the time frollicking in the water. I watched them happily, then forgot about my pot roast. It burned, but the biscuits and vegetables were divine. I taped the pot roast to my brother and set him loose in the Lion exhibit. It was funny.
August- The Miserable Child. School begins in August. It didn't always have to be this way. It used to be that SEPTEMBER was the blackest of all months, but August has taken reigning title as Shittiest Month of the Year. Too bad some of my best friends, as long as some family members, were born in August. I'll let you slide with it...THIS time.
September- The Orphan with 500 Brothers and Sisters Who All Have the Same Mom. I say this because SO MANY FREAKING PEOPLE are born in September, its ridiculous. I'm glad I wasn't born then, what a shitty month.
October- The Evil Spirit. 2nd Best Holiday of the Year!!!! Oh man, what a great month. The cold weather starts rolling in, and then you get to spend a night terrorizing small children and such.
November- The Dead Indian. Self explanatory.
December- The Mortally Wounded Snowboarder. You see plenty of these each year on the slopes. You know...a guy gets going too fast, can't stop, and ends up knocking down mature trees with his face. Ouch.
Current Mood- PISSED AT MIDDLE SCHOOLERS
Current Music- Lil Jon f/ Too $hort- Shake Dat Monkey
January- The Pubic Lice. Named for the most pestilent of all creatures, you have an affinty for nesting in others' pubic hair, and then staying there for extended period of time. You particularly enjoy old people, as they tend to be boring.
February- The Fat Greek Midget Who Flies Around With a Toga and Arrows. Nobody really understands you, mostly because February is symbolized by romance, which nobody really has, thus we have come to despise you and your accursed chocolates. Damn you Cupid! Daaaaamn Youuuuu!
INTERJECTION MY BROTHER GAVE HIS SCREEN NAME TO SOME OF HIS MIDDLE SCHOOL FRIENDS, AND NOW THEY WONT STOP COMPLAINING TO ME ABOUT RANDOM STUFF THAT EITHER DOESN'T INVOLVE ME OR...OH!!! WAIT!!!! NONE OF IT INVOLVES ME!!!!!!!! SO GO TO HELL!!! ALL OF YOU!!!!! SKHADSDKHFSDKFGH!!!
I hate all of them
March- The Overweight Middle-aged White Woman. You ate a bit too much chocolate around Valentine's Day, or maybe all those Cupid Arrows are weighing you down. Either way, those pants you're holding DEFINITELY fit a month ago.
April- The Lumberjack. You are a badass. Plain and simple. If someone messes with you, you pull out your axe and send them back to school. You sleep all night cuz you work all day, you cut down trees, you wear flannel, and you eat pancakes. You also hunt bears and drink Canadian beer. (I was born in april.)
May- The Convicted Felon. You commited several felonies in a 5-hour crime spree while trying to recreate the Battle of Fredericksburg that went awry, and you ended up locked in the vault at First National Bank with an assault rifle and a prayer, even as the fuzz brought out the dogs to chase your felon ass down.
June- The Heat Rash. Anyone who lives in the south and played soccer for upwards of 4 hours a day in the middle of the sweltering afternoons on that desert known as Sequoyah Park in the middle of Bumblefuck, Nowhere knows what I'm talking about. You know, where it gets so hot you break out in hives and collapse and twitch about on the ground? Okay, okay...it never happened to me either. But it seems like a good way to get out of conditioning. Hmmm...
July- The Polar Bear. I saw the Polar Bears in the middle of July at the Kentucky Zoo one time, it was like 500 degrees outside, and while waiting for my pot roast to cook on the sidewalk, along with some roasted vegetables and biscuits, I watched the Polar Bears. If Polar Bears could write, they would've written " IT IS SO GOD DAMNED HOT" ALL OVER the walls of their cell. Or exhibit. Whatever. Then they figured out that the water was like .1 degree celsius, so they spent the rest of the time frollicking in the water. I watched them happily, then forgot about my pot roast. It burned, but the biscuits and vegetables were divine. I taped the pot roast to my brother and set him loose in the Lion exhibit. It was funny.
August- The Miserable Child. School begins in August. It didn't always have to be this way. It used to be that SEPTEMBER was the blackest of all months, but August has taken reigning title as Shittiest Month of the Year. Too bad some of my best friends, as long as some family members, were born in August. I'll let you slide with it...THIS time.
September- The Orphan with 500 Brothers and Sisters Who All Have the Same Mom. I say this because SO MANY FREAKING PEOPLE are born in September, its ridiculous. I'm glad I wasn't born then, what a shitty month.
October- The Evil Spirit. 2nd Best Holiday of the Year!!!! Oh man, what a great month. The cold weather starts rolling in, and then you get to spend a night terrorizing small children and such.
November- The Dead Indian. Self explanatory.
December- The Mortally Wounded Snowboarder. You see plenty of these each year on the slopes. You know...a guy gets going too fast, can't stop, and ends up knocking down mature trees with his face. Ouch.
Current Mood- PISSED AT MIDDLE SCHOOLERS
Current Music- Lil Jon f/ Too $hort- Shake Dat Monkey