G1 Swindle, prompt: 'Love - is it worth it?'
Hanging around the entrance to the caves near the forest and ruminating upon recent events, Swindle started as another of those strange phrases came through on his HUD. As usual, it compelled him to grab the datapad journal and start writing things. Swindle having never really been a ‘writing type’ before, this continued to puzzle him. But at least, he thought, as his spark flared at the thought of his counterpart lover, it was more ‘relevant’ to his present circumstances than some of the other prompts had been.
He wrote: “You say the word ‘love’ to most Cons and they cringe. And start talking about ‘Autobot sappy rubbish.’
“When you think about it, the word has a lot of meanings. Mechs say “I love it!” when they’re having a good time. Or that they ‘love’ high grade, or the feel of hot water, or recharging, or whatever. I guess because of that I always included it in my everyday linguo. I’d say of something I was trying to sell, “you’re gonna love this ...” and stuff like that. Whoever the customer was. No, I never thought “I’d better not say that, it’s a soppy Botish word!”
“Mind you, I don’t think that’s what they mean here. They mean what describes feelings mechs have for each other. Or - apparently - for squishies, or whatever. Now that really does give most cons the screaming heebie jeebies ....”
“Cos cons like to appear tough, see. They’d rather make out they don’t have any feelings and that if they get together, it’s just a frag, or a good time , or whatever.”
“But that’s rubbish! There’s plenty of Cons have got feelings for each other - I mean - you can’t tell me some of those Seekers didn’t. And what about Soundwave and his cassettes? The way he used to pet and fuss that cat - you can’t tell me he didn’t have any feelings! Or that some other cons don’t love each other - even if they don’t use that word ....”
Swindle put the pad down. “Why am I writing this?” he said out loud. “I want to be writing something - more profound. Something which really says how I feel about ...."
He considered the second part. - ‘Is it worth it?’ And picked up the pad again.
“Up until recently if you’d asked me, however, whether it was worth it I’d have said no. I must have thought that! Because I didn’t - generally - get close to anyone. ‘Faced with enough, to be sure. But that was part of doing business. Getting close enough to call it love - no - just not something I did. Maybe with one exception. But I don’t want to talk about that. And then, there are my team mates ...”
Swindle shuttered his optics, took an intake, and opened them again. Hesitantly he wrote: “ I hate admitting it, but I must have had a crush on every one of them at some stage, before the war. It wasn’t love though. It was - something different. Infatuation, I think is the word. They were kind of - exciting, you see, Onslaught and the others. Risk takers. Dangerous. I was kind of ordinary and that turned me on. It wasn’t all just bad luck that I got in with them.”
“Then there was all that time in the box with them, then the gestalt. Well, it’s just as well I don’t have any more - infatuation! Anything I’ve felt - it’s just the attachment . Definitely not love! That really is a joke anyway, when you think of mechs like Vortex and Blast Off. Not that you’d want to go so far with a gestalt as - say - those Aerialbots, and Protectobots. I mean, I may have said I don’t cringe using the word, but there are limitations! I did try and be a part of things though. Could you call that a kind of love? Well if it is, then the way they’re been - definitely not worth it!”
Then Swindle went on hastily: “But everything I’ve said, that refers to them and everyone else. Everything changed when I met Swindle. What I have with him is so different from anything I ever knew before .... but I am so scared about getting so close .... so scared of forming a bond ...”
Putting down the pad again, Swindle sighed and ran his hand over his faceplates, conscious of the crispness of the air and the sounds and scents of the forest behind him. Behind him , the caves suddenly beckoned like a warm sanctuary. Picking up the pad again, he wrote:
“It’s not that I’m nervous about doing it. I mean - I don’t really know how, but I have got a fair idea! It’s more that - well - what if it doesn’t work? Or doesn’t turn out right? I’ve had enough trouble with that gestalt! What if Swindle and I end up like - we can’t stand each other? I don’t know if I could bear to go through with him what I’ve had to go through with Vortex.”
Swindle paused. “Yeah, the gestalt ....” he said out loud, “always the gestalt ...”
Then he wrote: “I still do not know what the effect of trying to bond with Swindle will be. I feel deep down that I will not end up leaving the gestalt. I am not even sure that I want to, no matter how Vortex and Blast Off have been. But then what? What if everything gets all scrambled up , so that both of us get tied up in it. What if we both had to somehow or other be Bruticus’s left foot, or if he gets into strife they have to come running for him? Or what if Vortex can somehow ‘invade’ whatever it is we have?” Swindle shuddered, how would my other self ever forgive me for a screw up like that?
He paused, and then wrote: “I wish that scientist would have just let me know what he found out! I don’t even know why I let him do that scan now. Primus knows what he got out of it! Whatever it is, I’ll bet he’s just gone off and used it for himself. Told the Autobots all about me. The others will kill me when they find out ...”
I don’t want to think about that! Furrowing his optic ridges, Swindle forced his attention back to the subject matter. I am not going to talk about the gestalt as ‘the gestalt’ again!
He said out loud. “I must try and not be so negative. After all, if everything goes as it should with Swindle then it will be well worth it. He is so .... well ... just so amazing ...”
Swindles’ spark warmed within him. His hand shook slightly as he wrote: “Whatever other Cons might say I love him. He is so beautiful and witty and clever. So much like me in how we see things. Like - we both see the Universe in terms of how we both believe in getting what we can out of it. And we both laugh at the same things. Like how screwed up things can get and how gullible some mechs are.”
Encouraged, Swindle went on: “He is so fiercely independent. It’s fantastic! It’s just like I used to be and still am at those rare times when I can break the clutches of the you know what. He is so competent and confident with getting what he wants and he does it all with such a great flare. He has great tastes as well - I mean, look at his alt form! I reckon a lot of landrollers would die for something like that. But he doesn’t like rub it in my face or anything. If this works out I might get one! Then that would make me feel good. And balance the effects of the you know what, which does nothing but drag me down.”
Swindle paused then and thought of his lover, the warmth of him and the closeness they shared. His circuits tingled and his spark ached with a sudden great longing to be beside him again.
“Yes, Swindle is truly amazing. But there is a lonely side to him, I think. For all his talents, there is an emptiness at times, which makes me sad because I have this too. We have shared our experiences. I know what happened to him. It is different from what happened to me, and yet similar. This emptiness - it is to do with being changed, I think, and not having any say in it and sometimes still not being sure who you are. It screws with your identity and makes you wish there was somebody you could tell it to because most mechs just are what they are and they don’t understand.”
Swindle felt his spark swell with a sudden surge. “But I understand! And I am going to be a source of strength to him. Yes - because that is what I want to be. Because that is what he is to me ... “
Putting the pad down, Swindle shuttered his optics and took a few deep intakes, noticing that the temperature had dropped and that the wind had picked up, conscious of its audible sigh in the trees. Opening his optics again, he noticed that puffy clouds had formed and that one of them was partly obscuring the sun. The ground seemed suddenly hard and stony, the rocks around unwelcoming. He wanted nothing more than to be back in the cave, and in the arms of his other self.
“He said out loud “I am going to think of how much better we can make things for each other, and not of what can go wrong. And it will definitely be worth it!”
Switching the datapad off he rose and stretched, glancing one more time at the outside scene and wondering if it would seem the same tomorrow. Before heading off in search of his lover.