Gaze, lie and smirk in time.... [Prompt Response]
UT Starscream
[Starscream is again in the apartment he mysteriously acquired. He suspects now who brought him here, though he has not yet seen her, and understands the place is his. He had eventually come across the datapad with a brief note explaining the circumstances of his arrival, along with the default code for the doors, so that he could program his own passcode. No price for this luxury, or favor in return has been mentioned, but he expects it to come. For now, he is content to have a safe place to be alone, until he hears from his Leader.]
[The time apart may be a good thing, Starscream tells himself. Whether his Leader has been alone with his thoughts, or sought his mate, or just stared at Bermuda these past several days, Starscream does not know. Nor does he, ultimately, need to know. There will be contact, and then Starscream will understand Megatron's choice. It is not, he knows, a choice between one and the other; it will be a choice, as a Leader, in how they will proceed. Starscream already knows his choice, and that is to follow his Leader. A vow of undying loyalty is not something one breaks, save possibly, by dying. He knows this from experience.]
--------------------------------------------------
Dear Journal,
What were the chances of me ending up trying to prove myself to a Megatron who is fixated with an Optimus, again? I would, in my previous life - in the other 'verse - thought that a null set. Nil. Zero chances. There was only one Megatron.
But here, in Nexusville, I have already met three Megatrons I did not know, before. They all seem to bear some Megatron-ish characteristics in common. In some ways, the three here are more like each other than any of them are like my former Leader. In particular, they share the regal silver deco, which I must confess I find attractive. My former Leader was physically powerful, imposing, and imperious, but I would not have described him as desirable...and never as hot, unless his actual temperature was at a dangerously high level. The only heat he inspired in me was that of anger.
I have said before, being in Nexusville is a second chance. A chance to live, a chance to explore feelings and convictions I only realized at the end of my life, a chance to prove myself, a chance find a Leader worthy of my efforts to prove myself. In the short time I have been here, I have done all these things. I live, I have friends, I make my friends among both Autobots and Decepticons (Not to mention humans and technorganics), I work to keep myself sharp, and I have found a Leader who is - or was - worthy of everything I have to give.
I was happy to serve him. I wish still to serve him, but I am also hurt and angry. I wanted my second chance to be one of not having to be angry with regard to Megatron. I wanted to find a Leader to whom I could willingly vow loyalty and not have reason to regret. I did not want to - and still do not want to - be that one who plants bombs on his shoulder. And for a time, that is exactly what we had: He was for me a Megatron who respected my strength and loyalty, and I was for him a Starscream who was actually loyal. I had no reason to be angry, or feel hurt. And he really had no reason to distrust me.
But, now, for me, all of that is in doubt. My Megatron has gotten bonded to another, not by his choice, I infer, but irrevocably and permanently spark-bonded to another!
I have been hiding my pain as much as possible. At first, I was too shocked to really feel the pain. And then, when I realized his own tremendous pain at being denied the choice, I did not wish to contribute to that pain, and kept my own from him. It is easier to hide pain when you are not bonded. I thought to admit that I truly was hurt would show weakness; it is not Decepticon to express such weakness. I thought I could just, somehow, get over it. Tolerate. Accept. The truth is: acceptance of this is not coming to me easily. I am hurt and I am angry.
I came to him and I gave him what my Aniki no longer could. I was his companion. I tested my strength against him and showed him that though he could best me I was not one easily won. I served him. I entertained him. I pleasured him. I vowed my undying allegiance and loyalty to him!
And, it was not one-sided. He chose me. He dominated me in battle. He took his pleasure from me. He played games with me! He took me into his berth. He trusted me. He named me his Second!
It was...perfect.
I would have bonded with him. I would never have been the one to offer, but I would have agreed without any calculation or reservation, if given the chance...if he had offered. He already was the only one truly capable of destroying me. I was already his.
Now, I am a little bit destroyed. A part of me, a part that thrilled that this existence was so unlike my previous, is gone. Now, I realize I will never have that chance; he will never be free to offer himself, and so I will never have that chance to prove how willingly I would accept his bond. A potential future is denied me. A choice, removed from us both. I am so angry at this situation!
I am powerless to take any action. A soldier cannot attack a bond. It cannot be shot with a cannon. And...I cannot kill his bondmate, because he's Optimus.
As angered as I am at this bond, I still have nothing but fondness for this Optimus - I have worried for him since leaving the two together that time. Yet, it is because my Leader's mate is Optimus that I hurt as much as I do now. If my Aniki had come back, and Megatron communicated that he wanted him, I might have stepped aside, perhaps accepted more easily, thinking it was fitting, somehow. But it was not another Starscream. It was Optimus Prime; his rival. This is not the first time my Leader's fixation with Optimus has caused me sorrow.
My former leader was also Megatron. I was his soldier. I was at his side through the war. I carried out his orders. I excelled in battle. I did everything I was able to prove myself and my loyalty to him. But, it was never good enough.
But he always saw what Optimus did. He was obsessed with him as a rival. Optimus was his on the battlefield. Many times I would hear that claiming "Mine" when my Leader spoke of his rival. And when the Hydra cannon deactivated Optimus Prime - disintegrated him into so much gray space dust, falling where he had put himself between Earth and the beam of the cannon - Megatron screamed his name, "Optimus". And later, when Thrust congratulated Megatron on his victory, Megatron was silent for a moment, and when he finally spoke to say "Yes it's a great day for us..." his tone was grave; not victorious at all.
And while Optimus was gone, Megatron did not have that same joy in battle. He found all other foes "poor substitutes" in comparison. And when, sometime later, Optimus Prime was resurrected by the collective power of the Mini-Cons, Megatron was obviously glad to see his greatest foe was returned! He got shot and he was deliriously happy about it!
And all that time, I, even feeling Optimus was somehow more important than me, who supported Megatron, could not hate Optimus - no more than I can the one at present - because I also had my own feelings for Optimus Prime. I respected him greatly, as a worthy adversary, and even more so, as a Leader. Not my Leader, but as a Leader.
Ultimately, I saw, that when we were all faced with a crisis, my only chance was to see my Leader unite with Optimus. It had nothing to do with bonds; I simply concluded that for the universe to have peace, the two must join forces. Yet, I find myself coming to the same conclusion in relation to the spark bond my current Leader has with Optimus...his mate. They must both become more at peace with the bond. Even being denied the choice, given that it now exists, they must surrender to it, if any of us are to have peace.
And my fear is that, as I had to die in order to unite the Leaders I knew in my previous life, I will also be the one to sacrifice here.
What are the chances that Megatron will come to terms with Optimus as his bond mate, and experience all the intensity and closeness that is supposed to offer - the opportunity for one to truly know and understand him, as I can only try to do - and will still have desire for me?
I fear...so much...that if my Leader truly accepts his mate, I will not only have lost my future, which cannot be recovered, but any present to just be with Megatron. There are only two things that give me any hope: firstly, that Megatron himself told me never to feel I am a replacement, and that Sideswipe admitted to me that he is one who is bonded and yet desires other lovers. There is a chance, at least, Megatron also feels that way.
I am not usually one to cower in fear. I am proud - sometimes to the point that others find fault. Yet attachment is no tangible foe. I cannot with a sword stop my spark from longing for one I desire, except by falling upon it. And if I do that, there is zero chance at being with Megatron.
And not being with him enrages me more than not being able to bond with him. I wanted him to myself, or course, but having that chance removed, I would rather be the so-called third wheel, than be without him in this life. For a jet, the third wheel is the difference between crashing and landing. I just want to get out of this turbulence and land.
--------------------------------------------------
[Starscream rips from the book the page on which he has been writing. Only a narrow, jagged remainder of the page suggests there was even an entry written here. He crumples the aged paper between his black digits as takes the plasma torch from his kit. Lit with the torch, the brittle paper incinerates in a flash. A few airy ashes disperse in the air, like the grayed parts of Optimus Prime when he was disintegrated by the Hydra Cannon.]
[ooc: The title comes from the lyrics for the music selected for the post. The arc involving Optimus Prime's death and resurrection took place in Armada Episodes 39-42. Again, the journal entry itself is not know to characters unless they physically obtain the journal and can read Starscream's Cybertronian/Japanese/English gibberish. Starscream is not out in the open, but any characters known to him may comm him.]
[Starscream is again in the apartment he mysteriously acquired. He suspects now who brought him here, though he has not yet seen her, and understands the place is his. He had eventually come across the datapad with a brief note explaining the circumstances of his arrival, along with the default code for the doors, so that he could program his own passcode. No price for this luxury, or favor in return has been mentioned, but he expects it to come. For now, he is content to have a safe place to be alone, until he hears from his Leader.]
[The time apart may be a good thing, Starscream tells himself. Whether his Leader has been alone with his thoughts, or sought his mate, or just stared at Bermuda these past several days, Starscream does not know. Nor does he, ultimately, need to know. There will be contact, and then Starscream will understand Megatron's choice. It is not, he knows, a choice between one and the other; it will be a choice, as a Leader, in how they will proceed. Starscream already knows his choice, and that is to follow his Leader. A vow of undying loyalty is not something one breaks, save possibly, by dying. He knows this from experience.]
--------------------------------------------------
Dear Journal,
What were the chances of me ending up trying to prove myself to a Megatron who is fixated with an Optimus, again? I would, in my previous life - in the other 'verse - thought that a null set. Nil. Zero chances. There was only one Megatron.
But here, in Nexusville, I have already met three Megatrons I did not know, before. They all seem to bear some Megatron-ish characteristics in common. In some ways, the three here are more like each other than any of them are like my former Leader. In particular, they share the regal silver deco, which I must confess I find attractive. My former Leader was physically powerful, imposing, and imperious, but I would not have described him as desirable...and never as hot, unless his actual temperature was at a dangerously high level. The only heat he inspired in me was that of anger.
I have said before, being in Nexusville is a second chance. A chance to live, a chance to explore feelings and convictions I only realized at the end of my life, a chance to prove myself, a chance find a Leader worthy of my efforts to prove myself. In the short time I have been here, I have done all these things. I live, I have friends, I make my friends among both Autobots and Decepticons (Not to mention humans and technorganics), I work to keep myself sharp, and I have found a Leader who is - or was - worthy of everything I have to give.
I was happy to serve him. I wish still to serve him, but I am also hurt and angry. I wanted my second chance to be one of not having to be angry with regard to Megatron. I wanted to find a Leader to whom I could willingly vow loyalty and not have reason to regret. I did not want to - and still do not want to - be that one who plants bombs on his shoulder. And for a time, that is exactly what we had: He was for me a Megatron who respected my strength and loyalty, and I was for him a Starscream who was actually loyal. I had no reason to be angry, or feel hurt. And he really had no reason to distrust me.
But, now, for me, all of that is in doubt. My Megatron has gotten bonded to another, not by his choice, I infer, but irrevocably and permanently spark-bonded to another!
I have been hiding my pain as much as possible. At first, I was too shocked to really feel the pain. And then, when I realized his own tremendous pain at being denied the choice, I did not wish to contribute to that pain, and kept my own from him. It is easier to hide pain when you are not bonded. I thought to admit that I truly was hurt would show weakness; it is not Decepticon to express such weakness. I thought I could just, somehow, get over it. Tolerate. Accept. The truth is: acceptance of this is not coming to me easily. I am hurt and I am angry.
I came to him and I gave him what my Aniki no longer could. I was his companion. I tested my strength against him and showed him that though he could best me I was not one easily won. I served him. I entertained him. I pleasured him. I vowed my undying allegiance and loyalty to him!
And, it was not one-sided. He chose me. He dominated me in battle. He took his pleasure from me. He played games with me! He took me into his berth. He trusted me. He named me his Second!
It was...perfect.
I would have bonded with him. I would never have been the one to offer, but I would have agreed without any calculation or reservation, if given the chance...if he had offered. He already was the only one truly capable of destroying me. I was already his.
Now, I am a little bit destroyed. A part of me, a part that thrilled that this existence was so unlike my previous, is gone. Now, I realize I will never have that chance; he will never be free to offer himself, and so I will never have that chance to prove how willingly I would accept his bond. A potential future is denied me. A choice, removed from us both. I am so angry at this situation!
I am powerless to take any action. A soldier cannot attack a bond. It cannot be shot with a cannon. And...I cannot kill his bondmate, because he's Optimus.
As angered as I am at this bond, I still have nothing but fondness for this Optimus - I have worried for him since leaving the two together that time. Yet, it is because my Leader's mate is Optimus that I hurt as much as I do now. If my Aniki had come back, and Megatron communicated that he wanted him, I might have stepped aside, perhaps accepted more easily, thinking it was fitting, somehow. But it was not another Starscream. It was Optimus Prime; his rival. This is not the first time my Leader's fixation with Optimus has caused me sorrow.
My former leader was also Megatron. I was his soldier. I was at his side through the war. I carried out his orders. I excelled in battle. I did everything I was able to prove myself and my loyalty to him. But, it was never good enough.
But he always saw what Optimus did. He was obsessed with him as a rival. Optimus was his on the battlefield. Many times I would hear that claiming "Mine" when my Leader spoke of his rival. And when the Hydra cannon deactivated Optimus Prime - disintegrated him into so much gray space dust, falling where he had put himself between Earth and the beam of the cannon - Megatron screamed his name, "Optimus". And later, when Thrust congratulated Megatron on his victory, Megatron was silent for a moment, and when he finally spoke to say "Yes it's a great day for us..." his tone was grave; not victorious at all.
And while Optimus was gone, Megatron did not have that same joy in battle. He found all other foes "poor substitutes" in comparison. And when, sometime later, Optimus Prime was resurrected by the collective power of the Mini-Cons, Megatron was obviously glad to see his greatest foe was returned! He got shot and he was deliriously happy about it!
And all that time, I, even feeling Optimus was somehow more important than me, who supported Megatron, could not hate Optimus - no more than I can the one at present - because I also had my own feelings for Optimus Prime. I respected him greatly, as a worthy adversary, and even more so, as a Leader. Not my Leader, but as a Leader.
Ultimately, I saw, that when we were all faced with a crisis, my only chance was to see my Leader unite with Optimus. It had nothing to do with bonds; I simply concluded that for the universe to have peace, the two must join forces. Yet, I find myself coming to the same conclusion in relation to the spark bond my current Leader has with Optimus...his mate. They must both become more at peace with the bond. Even being denied the choice, given that it now exists, they must surrender to it, if any of us are to have peace.
And my fear is that, as I had to die in order to unite the Leaders I knew in my previous life, I will also be the one to sacrifice here.
What are the chances that Megatron will come to terms with Optimus as his bond mate, and experience all the intensity and closeness that is supposed to offer - the opportunity for one to truly know and understand him, as I can only try to do - and will still have desire for me?
I fear...so much...that if my Leader truly accepts his mate, I will not only have lost my future, which cannot be recovered, but any present to just be with Megatron. There are only two things that give me any hope: firstly, that Megatron himself told me never to feel I am a replacement, and that Sideswipe admitted to me that he is one who is bonded and yet desires other lovers. There is a chance, at least, Megatron also feels that way.
I am not usually one to cower in fear. I am proud - sometimes to the point that others find fault. Yet attachment is no tangible foe. I cannot with a sword stop my spark from longing for one I desire, except by falling upon it. And if I do that, there is zero chance at being with Megatron.
And not being with him enrages me more than not being able to bond with him. I wanted him to myself, or course, but having that chance removed, I would rather be the so-called third wheel, than be without him in this life. For a jet, the third wheel is the difference between crashing and landing. I just want to get out of this turbulence and land.
--------------------------------------------------
[Starscream rips from the book the page on which he has been writing. Only a narrow, jagged remainder of the page suggests there was even an entry written here. He crumples the aged paper between his black digits as takes the plasma torch from his kit. Lit with the torch, the brittle paper incinerates in a flash. A few airy ashes disperse in the air, like the grayed parts of Optimus Prime when he was disintegrated by the Hydra Cannon.]
[ooc: The title comes from the lyrics for the music selected for the post. The arc involving Optimus Prime's death and resurrection took place in Armada Episodes 39-42. Again, the journal entry itself is not know to characters unless they physically obtain the journal and can read Starscream's Cybertronian/Japanese/English gibberish. Starscream is not out in the open, but any characters known to him may comm him.]