How NOT to write a strong female character
I had skimmed this story and put it in my "possibly aft-worthy" pile a while ago, but when I sat down and actually read the thing, I knew I had to rip this thing apart. It's a textbook example Mary-Sue that everyone is fighting over and and a writer who uses abuse and sexual assault to give the Sue pity points (I don't usually use trigger warnings but I think this fic will require them later).
Accidental Transport by Bossbot97
Pixie Dust is a half Con, half Bot femme. She is not trusted by the other Autobots and decides to run away. Love triangle between Prowl, Jazz, and Pixie.
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Chapter 1
A/N: This story was written by Skyress98. (Than why is it posted in your account? Skyress98 has their own account, why are you posting for them? Are you Skyress98?)
A small light pink and silver femme with gold outlines and shimmering winglets, just barely 18 vorns old, by the name of Pixie Dust, walked into the main room of the Autobot base, quietly.
(So, she's pink. Okay, I deeply hate the color pink for personal reasons, but since canon has some pink femmes, and they can be pretty awesome I'll let that slide. But the name…Pixie Dust? I have trouble taking this name seriously. It's another one of those "would fit better for a my little pony" kind of name.)
The soft taps of her peds hitting the concrete was the only noise. The little femme's sea green optics shined with fear and hurt. She'd had enough. Pixie wanted to be loved, to be able to become a medic, and to not be afraid of her comrades.
Pixie Dust was the creation of two Cybertronians. One Decepticon and one Autobot. She didn't know who her creators were, nobody did.
(Then how did you know they were an Autobot and a Decepticon? Did the Autobots find you on their base's doorstep in a basket with a note)
Pixie was small, agile and quite strong, yet she refused to fight even though she had the skills to.
(Informed ability that I bet she will never demonstrate.)
Pixie typed in coordinates to an unknown location. Hoping to get away from her comrades, the ones that were suppose to protect her, but instead they shunned her.
(The narrations in this part just want to pound into our heads how much of an outcast she is. And yet I simply don't believe it, because we've only being TOLD that, not SHOWN. We never witness the Autobots being mean to her, only narrations that tell us only her side of the story.)
~Flashback~
Pixie Dust sighed as yet again Optimus Prime, the leader of the Autobots refused to let her go on patrol.
(You just said you refused to fight, why do you want to go on patrol? If you encountered Decepticons, what would you do, ask them nicely to leave you alone? What is your function exactly? You're not a warrior, you're not a medic, you're not a scout, why the fuck do the autobots keep your ass around and waste precious energon on you if you don't do anything, especially if, as you claim, everybody hates you?)
She didn't understand why. Pixie had heard all the other Autobots call her lazy, when in fact, Pixie kept the entire base cleaned and organized.
(So her function is…janitor? Hey, no problem with that, I actually have an OC who's the autobot's maintenance officer. Her name is Scrub and her alt-mode is a street sweeper.
BTW if you have these so called "fighting skills" and refuse to fight in a war with no explanation, yes, there's a big chance that the Autobots who actually go out and risk their lives in battle will feel resentment toward you.)
Her spark hurt from the loneliness that had almost consumed her. She wanted to make friends, to be wanted. But nobody, not even her creators, wanted her.
(Oh! You poor little thing! All alone in this cruel, cruel world, rejected by all despite your pureness and perfection! You haven't done anything ever, why do they hate you!!!
I want to call this kind of writing "victim gloryfing". While victim blaming is saying someone is resposible for the abuse they suffer, victim glorifying is the opposite, she is NEVER responsible for ANYTHING that happens to her. She just attracts abuse from everybody around her.)
Pixie slowly walked back to her quarters, trying her best to keep the energon tears from falling.
(*sigh*Yes, crying robots. Because having energon, your fuel source, just leak out of your face when you get emotional is such an effective design)
(And I'm going to start a countdown for every time the Sue is mentioned to be crying or whimpering, because she does that A LOT.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 1
Early that morning, while Pixie had been cleaning, she had fallen and cut her arm.
(You're made of metal, not tissue paper! How can you cut yourself by simply falling down! If you have supposed "fighting skills", that must mean your built strong enough to sustain battle damage! AND YOU MANAGED TO HURT YOURSELF CLEANING!?!)
Pixie refused to let anyone find out about the wound. She didn't know why but every day Pixie felt as if something was missing.
(A personality? Character depth? A reason for this fic to exist?)
The small femme looked up and realized that she was at the entrance of her quarters. Typing in the pass code, she slipped inside and slid down the wall to rest near the entrance. The energon tears finally breaking the dam and rushing out.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 2
With shaky hands, Pixie removed her blue visor and subspaced it. Her sea green optics filled with tears.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 3
Hiccupping softly, Pixie got up and moved over to her desk. The only items on the desk were two Cybertronian instruments, one representing a violin, and the other, a harp. Pixie had mastered the use of playing these instruments. She however could not play them here. The other Autobots wouldn't let her.
(Why won't the autobots let her play music? Again, the Autobots are being mean to her, but we get no reason or context. Maybe she just sucks at it or plays in the middle of the night when others are trying to recharge.)
Pixie touched her bruised cheek and flinched. Arcee had gotten mad when she had been beaten by some Cons and had taken it out on Pixie.
(Sure, turn one of the few canon female characters into a violent raging bitch who attacks people when she's in a bad mood. Otherwise, her canon-proven awesomeness and competence will overshadow your Sue)
(And why is Optimus Prime tolerating all of this? If he allows this half-Decepticon into his ranks, he's not going to let his troops bully her.)
(I have a feeling this Sue might be from the Shattered Glass universe where the Autobots are evil. This reassures me a little, because that would mean that in the regular universe, there's a Pixie Dust who's a badass and evil to the core. I would read about that Pixie Dust)
With shaky servos, Pixie Dust grabbed both of her instruments and subspaced them. She also went to the supply closet in her room and subspaced a small med-kit, a thermal blanket, her collection of energon crystals (that still glowed) and some energon cubes she had stashed.
(So she was hoarding precious supplies for herself! See, right there we have another actual credible reason for the others to hate you! You're looking less and less like a poor victim and more and more like a whiny mooch.)
She was escaping, from the loneliness and the hate. She was escaping tonight, through the ground bridge.
~End of Flashback~
Pixie Dust closed her optics and whimpered,
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 4
her injured arm protesting being moved around.
(You refused to get that fixed, remember? Stop whining. You had a first aid kit in your quarters, why didn't you use it to fix a simple cut yourself?)
The ground bridge roared to life, which caused Pixie to jump and accidentally run her hand over its controls, adding to the coordinates. Before Pixie could do anything, Ratchet and Bumblebee burst into the room. With a shocked gasp, Pixie Dust rushed through the ground bridge, ignoring the calls of the medic and scout. She didn't stop until she noticed that the ground bridge was behaving funny, blue and white electricity going everywhere. Pixie screamed and tried to shield herself, just as the ground bridge exploded.
~In the Bay Verse~ (oh crap, she's a universe jumper. Because a Sue can't be limited to one canon, she has to contaminate more! And the common ground-bridge-randomly-blows-up-and-sends-Sue-to-other-universe plot device. Happens so often I actually applaud OCs you manage to stay in their own damn universe.)
Jazz and Prowl were sitting next to each other, enjoying the sunset. The bond had needed to be renewed since Jazz came back to life, thanks to Optimus Prime and the Matrix. The SIC and TIC of the Autobots had stayed close together. Where one went, the other followed.
(I want to remind you that the summary for this fic mentions a love triangle between Jazz, Prowl and the Sue. Since Jazz and Prowl are already together, it makes it sound like gay relationships don't really matter, when a hot girl comes along both guys will chase after her, completely forgetting the relationship they had with each other.)
As the two mechs rested against each other, a sudden boom came a few yards away, knocking both of them to their sides. The Autobots onlined their weaponry and jumped to their peds, waiting to see what Decepticon would be foolish enough to attack the Autobot headquarters.
(But then they got a call from Wheeljack saying he blew up his lab again and to just carry on.)
The sand that had been blown up by the boom finally settled and what laid in the sand nearly made both of the mechs glitch. A small pink and silver femme with small winglets was whimpering in the sand. Tears streaming down her face as she held one of her arms close to her chassis.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 5
Sparking could be seen coming from the femme's arm. Both mechs jumped to attention when they heard her first whimper.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 6
Jazz rushed over to the femme and knelt down next to her, trying to get to her injured arm. Prowl contacted the Autobot base, ordering for Ratchet to come out to where they were at. He didn't know why, but Prowl had an awful feeling in his spark.
(Prowl: pink femmes appearing out of nowhere…the Sue invasion…it has begun!)
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Chapter 2
*Jazz POV*
He couldn't believe it. A femme, a real live femme was laying not even 100 yards from Prowl and him. To say Jazz was amazed was one thing. Femmes were rare, even before the war. The only femmes that Jazz knew were alive, were the ones on Elita One's team. Jazz looked at his mate and was surprised that he had glitched.
(OH MY PRIMUS! A GIIIIRRL!!!! I haven't seen a pair of boobs in a millennia! Cannot…process…feminity…*brain fizzle*)
(Yeah, this is going to be a fucking theme for a while. Every character's reaction to her can be summed up by "WOW! A GIRL!", like femmes are mythical creatures on par with unicorns.)
Jazz was about to speak to his mate but a pained filled whimper suddenly came from the femme.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 7
Jazz focused his optics on the pink and silver femme and saw a small puddle of energon starting to pool around her.
(it's those damn face leaks again. Sue, you're making a mess, stop crying!)
With a sharp gasp, Jazz rushed foreward and knelt down to assess the damage.
(You were already kneeling at the end of the last chapter. Great continuity!)
He could see that her arm was literally torn open and it looked like it hurt. The femme had tears streaming down her faceplates.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 8
Jazz gently reached forward and touched the femme's arm. "Hey lil lady. I need ya to give me yer arm, alright?" Jazz's optics widen behind his visor when the femme opened her optics and looked at him with optics he had never seen before. The sea green optics were dim but the femme kept her focus on Jazz and slowly released her hold on her injured arm.
(*pulls out Sue traits list* Unusual eye color, check.)
*Prowl POV*
Prowl was stunned. That much was simple. A pink and silver femme was only a few yards away from both him and his mate.
(Prowl: *jaw drop* OH MIRACLE! TITS! PINK TITS!)
His glitch was acting up, threatening to make his processor shut down but the logic of the situation was winning out, helping Prowl to stay online.
(I'm starting to really hate the "Prowl will crash at the slightest unusual, unexpected or out of the ordinary event" characterization. He would make a pretty lousy officer if he did that)
(Oh, and women: their very existence is illogical)
Prowl frowned when he heard a whimper come from the femme.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 9
He saw the energon puddle forming and felt worry come from his mate. Prowl knew that Jazz had a soft spot for femmes, his mate just hated to see them cry.
(Women, they cry, that's what they do. They cry, because they have emotions and stuff, and must be cuddled by the big strong men so they'll stop their annoying crying.)
As did Prowl, seeing a femme cry
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 10
made his spark flare but with Jazz as his mate, he always kept calm.
Prowl lifted his right servo to his helm and contacted Ratchet. He knew that Ratchet would be angry, for he had sent out a message saying that he did not want to be disturbed.
(You already called Ratchet at the end of chapter 1. Can this author even remember what they wrote before?)
(And you’re the second in command Prowl, your orders outweigh Ratchet's bad temper. You shouldn't give a shit that he'll get mad, you outrank him and you have a medical emergency.)
Prowl: "Prowl to Ratchet"
Ratchet: "This had better be good, Prowl"
Prowl: "It's an emergency. An unknown femme has been found on the beach by Jazz and I. We do not know where she has come from, however, we do know that she is injured. Her arm is torn open and is leaking energon at a fast rate. Also, one side of her lower faceplate is dented."
Ratchet: "What the pit! There was no signal of someone incoming from space! And it's a femme! Femmes don't just pop out of nowhere Prowl!
(Mechs on the other hand CAN pop out of nowhere! We got a bunch of them just last week, we're running out of space to put them all.)
(Seriously, the Autobots won't shut the fuck up about her being a femme. It's like they caught the Loch Ness Monster or something.)
And her injuries….stay put. I shall be there in a few minutes. You and Jazz just keep her calm and awake. Ratchet out"
(Keep her calm? Nobody said she was panicking. But of course, she's a girl, she might go into hysterics at the sight of energon. You know, her frail feminine mind probably can't handle the stress.
(And I guess emergency battlefield repairs are beyond these two's capabilities. Them being Second and Third in command and all, can't expect them to know how to patch themselves up in battle.)
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CHAPTER 3
*Ratchet's POV*
Ratchet was stumped. An unknown femme had just shown up with no warning. Oh, he knew Red Alert will have a field day with this. And he hadn't even told Prime yet.
(The single thing that interest everybody here is the fact that she's a femme. Not that, maybe, she's an intruder who managed to get through tight security, that she might be a Decepticon, that she might be a threat to humans (because yes, there are humans around the base, NEST personel and all that). No, it's a brand new pair of boobs they haven't seen before, how fascinating!)
Ratchet growled and rushed out of the med bay door, almost hitting Ironhide and his mate, Chromia. Luckily, the medic had stopped before they did.
(Look, another girl! And nobody is treating HER like a freaking mythological creature here!)
"What the fragging pit Ratchet?!" howled Ironhide. Chromia said nothing, she just glared at Ratchet. While running away, Ratchet yelled over his shoulder. "No time! An unknown femme was just found on the beach by Jazz and Prowl, and she's injured!"
(GIRL EMERGENCY!!! I might have a chance to get laid tonight! *speeds off*)
The green medic wasted no more time talking to the two weapons specialists. He had an injured femme to tend to.
(Would you have taken your time or not given a shit if the injured person had been male? You make it sound like it, you can't talk about the injured without mentioning their gender.)
Once Ratchet was out of the hanger, he quickly transformed and raced towards the beach. Suddenly a com link came in from Optimus Prime, and his mate's name was attached to it.
(Why does Elita need to butt in on Optimus' conversations? And the author will make sure to mention which femme is paired with which mech, because they're incomplete without their men and not characters on their own.)
With a frustrated groan, Ratchet answered the com link.
(Your BOSS is calling, Ratchet! Sorry that the COMMANDER OF THE AUTOBOT ARMY as to disturb you! He'll make sure to take an appointment the next time he wants a status report! Sorry to bother you, oh great medic!)
Ratchet: "Yes Prime?"
Optimus: "Ratchet, Ironhide and Chromia just rushed into my office and explained to me that Prowl and Jazz have found an unknown, injured femme on the beach. How could a femme arrive without our knowing?"
(Finally someone who worries that an intruder has gotten through security, although he sounds like he doubts a female could be a good enough infiltrator to accomplish this.)
Ratchet: "I do not know sir. Right now, I am just concerned with getting her to the med bay."
Elita One: "Ratchet, I want to know when the femme is out of the med bay. Am I clear? She is not on my team and there may be a chance that she's unmated, which could lead to problems.
(LEAD TO PROBLEMS?! WTF are you implying here? That an unattached female might distract the menfolks from their duties? That the guys will fight to win her favors? That she might get attacked because guys think with their dicks and can't control themselves around an unclaimed woman?
Do you have so little confidence in your men? You're saying that a women is A PROBLEM unless she's mated to a man? Author, do you realize how sexist and insulting to both genders your writing is? And of course, it didn't even cross anyone's minds that she might be A DECEPTICON SPY!!!)
Ratchet: "I understand ma'am. I will inform you as soon as the femme is out of my med bay. Ratchet out."
The medic couldn't help but laugh. Both Optimus and Elita were protective of any femme that came to the base.
(WOMEN ARE WEAK AND MUST BE PROTECTED! THEY ARE FRAGILE LITTLE THINGS THAT CAN SHATTER AT ANY MOMENT!)
Both of them wanted to protect the femmes, since so few had survived the war. Ratchet just hoped that the femme would be alright.
(Kinda ironic that I started writing this sporking on march 8, international women's day? This fic must be one of the most unintentionally sexist thing I've ever read. Every Autobot is either lovestruck or turns into an overprotective mother hen around this Sue. And just wait until we see how all the Decepticons react to her. Hint: have a barf bag ready…)
*Pixie Dust's POV*
As Pixie landed at the coordinates, she felt nothing but pain. Her arm had been torn open when the ground bridge exploded. As the young femme tried to calm herself down, she suddenly felt someone touch her arm. She couldn't hold back the small wince that she did when she was touched, but apparently whoever touched her had not felt it.
(This happens a lot in this fic, we see a scene in one character's POV, then we backtrack and see it in another character's POV. Hey author, try an omniscient narrator POV, that way we can know what multiple characters are doing and feeling at the same time, and your fic will be half as long!)
A smooth voice came from the one that was touching her arm. She could tell from the voice that the one touching her was a mech. Slowly; Pixie Dust opened her optics and stared at the mech. He was a silver color and had a blue visor. The mech had three claws on each servo. Tears were still coming out of her optics but not as bad as before.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 11
Pixie Dust actually felt as if she could trust this mech so she released the hold on her injured arm and remained still.
(You're hurt, alone, (as far as we know) unarmed, just ran away from somewhere you were mistreated, and the first thing you see waking up is a stranger touching you without permission. And yet, you feel that "you can trust him". This girl has no self-preservation instincts. Maybe that's why Prime didn't let her out on patrol, she's too stupid to recognize a threat and would get her ass killed)
The silver mech reached down and gently trailed a claw down her arm. Pixie Dust couldn't hold back the gasp of pain as the mech assessed the damage to her arm.
(WTF JAZZ!?! The girl has an open wound, you don't scratch it to make sure it actually hurts!)
Movement out of the corner of her optic caught her attention and Pixie Dust turned her helm towards a different mech. This one was black and white and he had door-wings. Pixie Dust had never seen door-wings before, so she stared.
(Um, Bubblebee from the Prime universe, where you're from, has doorwings.)
The way the door-wings fluttered and how bigger they looked to her wing-lets were amazing to her.
(I'm hurt and surrounded by unknown mech who could be enemies, but DOORWINGS! SO CUTE!)
Her own wing-lets rose to their full height, which was just about above her helm, they made little movements.
The mech assessing the damage to her arm became startled and fell backwards when her wing-lets rose to their full height.
(Wow, nice there Jazz. You sure react like a special ops warrior with centuries of experience here)
Pixie Dust gasped and fresh tears rose out of her optics.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 12
(SHE'S MENTIONNED TO BE CRYING 12 TIMES IN THREE CHAPTERS! We haven't seen a single moment where she ISN'T crying!!)
"I…I'm sorry. I can't control them sometimes." The silver mech just smiled and shook his head. "It's alright lil' lady. Just surprised me is all. I didn't see them, were they tucked to your body?"
Pixie Dust felt her faceplates become warm. She shyly nodded and looked over her shoulder at her wing-lets. She sighed out a relief when she saw that they were undamaged.
(Could you stop comparing kibble for a sec and move on? BTW, we don't even know what she transforms into. These "wing-lets" are our only clue, but since they're so small, she probably isn't a plane. My guess is that she's a motorcycle like Arcee, because we can't have her deviate from the canon designs, right? That would take imagination and effort.)
She looked back at the silver mech before her, only to see the black and white one kneeling right next to him. With a slight yelp, Pixie Dust's optics widen. "You're really quiet." The pink and silver femme blurted out. Her other servo, the one not damaged, flew to her mouth.
(He's really quiet or you're just really oblivious to your surroundings, since he was standing right next to you.)
The silver mech started to laugh, while the white and black mech just raised an optic ridge at her. "Hello, my name is Prowl. And you have met Jazz."
Pixie Dust giggled softly and nodded her helm. "My name is Pixie Dust. But you can just call me Pixie. It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Prowl and Mr. Jazz." Both mechs look surprised at her response.
(More likely that they're surprised someone with an ARM RIPPED OPEN who was in PAIN a second ago and was BLEEDING HEAVILY is now giggling and making casual conversation)
A sudden honking noise came from behind both of the mechs. Which cause Pixie Dust to try to look behind them with a worry expression on her faceplates. "Hey, don't worry lil' lady, it's just Ratchet. He's our medic." Jazz said, trying to keep her calm.
Pixie Dust gasped and looked at Jazz and Prowl with wide optics. "B...but…he's green. The Ratchet I know is orange and white…" Both Prowl and Jazz look at Pixie Dust confused and turn to Ratchet just as he transforms.
(And the obligatory "but MY character doesn't look like that! *so confused*" scene that goes with every universe-jumping TF fic.)
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Stopping this here for now, but I intent to spork the whole fic for once. It's just that bad and rage worthy.
So, what are my thought? I hate this fic. I hate this Sue. She is weak, whiny, spineless, contributes nothing to the Autobot cause and everyone marvels at the apparition of this pink monstrosity. She flees a world where everyone around her is an asshole who abuse her for no explained reason, and magically ends up in one where she's loved, protected and cherished by all.
That's four chapters out of ten done, and the worst is still to come. Muuuuch worse ahead folks, be warned.
Accidental Transport by Bossbot97
Pixie Dust is a half Con, half Bot femme. She is not trusted by the other Autobots and decides to run away. Love triangle between Prowl, Jazz, and Pixie.
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Chapter 1
A/N: This story was written by Skyress98. (Than why is it posted in your account? Skyress98 has their own account, why are you posting for them? Are you Skyress98?)
A small light pink and silver femme with gold outlines and shimmering winglets, just barely 18 vorns old, by the name of Pixie Dust, walked into the main room of the Autobot base, quietly.
(So, she's pink. Okay, I deeply hate the color pink for personal reasons, but since canon has some pink femmes, and they can be pretty awesome I'll let that slide. But the name…Pixie Dust? I have trouble taking this name seriously. It's another one of those "would fit better for a my little pony" kind of name.)
The soft taps of her peds hitting the concrete was the only noise. The little femme's sea green optics shined with fear and hurt. She'd had enough. Pixie wanted to be loved, to be able to become a medic, and to not be afraid of her comrades.
Pixie Dust was the creation of two Cybertronians. One Decepticon and one Autobot. She didn't know who her creators were, nobody did.
(Then how did you know they were an Autobot and a Decepticon? Did the Autobots find you on their base's doorstep in a basket with a note)
Pixie was small, agile and quite strong, yet she refused to fight even though she had the skills to.
(Informed ability that I bet she will never demonstrate.)
Pixie typed in coordinates to an unknown location. Hoping to get away from her comrades, the ones that were suppose to protect her, but instead they shunned her.
(The narrations in this part just want to pound into our heads how much of an outcast she is. And yet I simply don't believe it, because we've only being TOLD that, not SHOWN. We never witness the Autobots being mean to her, only narrations that tell us only her side of the story.)
~Flashback~
Pixie Dust sighed as yet again Optimus Prime, the leader of the Autobots refused to let her go on patrol.
(You just said you refused to fight, why do you want to go on patrol? If you encountered Decepticons, what would you do, ask them nicely to leave you alone? What is your function exactly? You're not a warrior, you're not a medic, you're not a scout, why the fuck do the autobots keep your ass around and waste precious energon on you if you don't do anything, especially if, as you claim, everybody hates you?)
She didn't understand why. Pixie had heard all the other Autobots call her lazy, when in fact, Pixie kept the entire base cleaned and organized.
(So her function is…janitor? Hey, no problem with that, I actually have an OC who's the autobot's maintenance officer. Her name is Scrub and her alt-mode is a street sweeper.
BTW if you have these so called "fighting skills" and refuse to fight in a war with no explanation, yes, there's a big chance that the Autobots who actually go out and risk their lives in battle will feel resentment toward you.)
Her spark hurt from the loneliness that had almost consumed her. She wanted to make friends, to be wanted. But nobody, not even her creators, wanted her.
(Oh! You poor little thing! All alone in this cruel, cruel world, rejected by all despite your pureness and perfection! You haven't done anything ever, why do they hate you!!!
I want to call this kind of writing "victim gloryfing". While victim blaming is saying someone is resposible for the abuse they suffer, victim glorifying is the opposite, she is NEVER responsible for ANYTHING that happens to her. She just attracts abuse from everybody around her.)
Pixie slowly walked back to her quarters, trying her best to keep the energon tears from falling.
(*sigh*Yes, crying robots. Because having energon, your fuel source, just leak out of your face when you get emotional is such an effective design)
(And I'm going to start a countdown for every time the Sue is mentioned to be crying or whimpering, because she does that A LOT.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 1
Early that morning, while Pixie had been cleaning, she had fallen and cut her arm.
(You're made of metal, not tissue paper! How can you cut yourself by simply falling down! If you have supposed "fighting skills", that must mean your built strong enough to sustain battle damage! AND YOU MANAGED TO HURT YOURSELF CLEANING!?!)
Pixie refused to let anyone find out about the wound. She didn't know why but every day Pixie felt as if something was missing.
(A personality? Character depth? A reason for this fic to exist?)
The small femme looked up and realized that she was at the entrance of her quarters. Typing in the pass code, she slipped inside and slid down the wall to rest near the entrance. The energon tears finally breaking the dam and rushing out.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 2
With shaky hands, Pixie removed her blue visor and subspaced it. Her sea green optics filled with tears.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 3
Hiccupping softly, Pixie got up and moved over to her desk. The only items on the desk were two Cybertronian instruments, one representing a violin, and the other, a harp. Pixie had mastered the use of playing these instruments. She however could not play them here. The other Autobots wouldn't let her.
(Why won't the autobots let her play music? Again, the Autobots are being mean to her, but we get no reason or context. Maybe she just sucks at it or plays in the middle of the night when others are trying to recharge.)
Pixie touched her bruised cheek and flinched. Arcee had gotten mad when she had been beaten by some Cons and had taken it out on Pixie.
(Sure, turn one of the few canon female characters into a violent raging bitch who attacks people when she's in a bad mood. Otherwise, her canon-proven awesomeness and competence will overshadow your Sue)
(And why is Optimus Prime tolerating all of this? If he allows this half-Decepticon into his ranks, he's not going to let his troops bully her.)
(I have a feeling this Sue might be from the Shattered Glass universe where the Autobots are evil. This reassures me a little, because that would mean that in the regular universe, there's a Pixie Dust who's a badass and evil to the core. I would read about that Pixie Dust)
With shaky servos, Pixie Dust grabbed both of her instruments and subspaced them. She also went to the supply closet in her room and subspaced a small med-kit, a thermal blanket, her collection of energon crystals (that still glowed) and some energon cubes she had stashed.
(So she was hoarding precious supplies for herself! See, right there we have another actual credible reason for the others to hate you! You're looking less and less like a poor victim and more and more like a whiny mooch.)
She was escaping, from the loneliness and the hate. She was escaping tonight, through the ground bridge.
~End of Flashback~
Pixie Dust closed her optics and whimpered,
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 4
her injured arm protesting being moved around.
(You refused to get that fixed, remember? Stop whining. You had a first aid kit in your quarters, why didn't you use it to fix a simple cut yourself?)
The ground bridge roared to life, which caused Pixie to jump and accidentally run her hand over its controls, adding to the coordinates. Before Pixie could do anything, Ratchet and Bumblebee burst into the room. With a shocked gasp, Pixie Dust rushed through the ground bridge, ignoring the calls of the medic and scout. She didn't stop until she noticed that the ground bridge was behaving funny, blue and white electricity going everywhere. Pixie screamed and tried to shield herself, just as the ground bridge exploded.
~In the Bay Verse~ (oh crap, she's a universe jumper. Because a Sue can't be limited to one canon, she has to contaminate more! And the common ground-bridge-randomly-blows-up-and-sends-Sue-to-other-universe plot device. Happens so often I actually applaud OCs you manage to stay in their own damn universe.)
Jazz and Prowl were sitting next to each other, enjoying the sunset. The bond had needed to be renewed since Jazz came back to life, thanks to Optimus Prime and the Matrix. The SIC and TIC of the Autobots had stayed close together. Where one went, the other followed.
(I want to remind you that the summary for this fic mentions a love triangle between Jazz, Prowl and the Sue. Since Jazz and Prowl are already together, it makes it sound like gay relationships don't really matter, when a hot girl comes along both guys will chase after her, completely forgetting the relationship they had with each other.)
As the two mechs rested against each other, a sudden boom came a few yards away, knocking both of them to their sides. The Autobots onlined their weaponry and jumped to their peds, waiting to see what Decepticon would be foolish enough to attack the Autobot headquarters.
(But then they got a call from Wheeljack saying he blew up his lab again and to just carry on.)
The sand that had been blown up by the boom finally settled and what laid in the sand nearly made both of the mechs glitch. A small pink and silver femme with small winglets was whimpering in the sand. Tears streaming down her face as she held one of her arms close to her chassis.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 5
Sparking could be seen coming from the femme's arm. Both mechs jumped to attention when they heard her first whimper.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 6
Jazz rushed over to the femme and knelt down next to her, trying to get to her injured arm. Prowl contacted the Autobot base, ordering for Ratchet to come out to where they were at. He didn't know why, but Prowl had an awful feeling in his spark.
(Prowl: pink femmes appearing out of nowhere…the Sue invasion…it has begun!)
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Chapter 2
*Jazz POV*
He couldn't believe it. A femme, a real live femme was laying not even 100 yards from Prowl and him. To say Jazz was amazed was one thing. Femmes were rare, even before the war. The only femmes that Jazz knew were alive, were the ones on Elita One's team. Jazz looked at his mate and was surprised that he had glitched.
(OH MY PRIMUS! A GIIIIRRL!!!! I haven't seen a pair of boobs in a millennia! Cannot…process…feminity…*brain fizzle*)
(Yeah, this is going to be a fucking theme for a while. Every character's reaction to her can be summed up by "WOW! A GIRL!", like femmes are mythical creatures on par with unicorns.)
Jazz was about to speak to his mate but a pained filled whimper suddenly came from the femme.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 7
Jazz focused his optics on the pink and silver femme and saw a small puddle of energon starting to pool around her.
(it's those damn face leaks again. Sue, you're making a mess, stop crying!)
With a sharp gasp, Jazz rushed foreward and knelt down to assess the damage.
(You were already kneeling at the end of the last chapter. Great continuity!)
He could see that her arm was literally torn open and it looked like it hurt. The femme had tears streaming down her faceplates.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 8
Jazz gently reached forward and touched the femme's arm. "Hey lil lady. I need ya to give me yer arm, alright?" Jazz's optics widen behind his visor when the femme opened her optics and looked at him with optics he had never seen before. The sea green optics were dim but the femme kept her focus on Jazz and slowly released her hold on her injured arm.
(*pulls out Sue traits list* Unusual eye color, check.)
*Prowl POV*
Prowl was stunned. That much was simple. A pink and silver femme was only a few yards away from both him and his mate.
(Prowl: *jaw drop* OH MIRACLE! TITS! PINK TITS!)
His glitch was acting up, threatening to make his processor shut down but the logic of the situation was winning out, helping Prowl to stay online.
(I'm starting to really hate the "Prowl will crash at the slightest unusual, unexpected or out of the ordinary event" characterization. He would make a pretty lousy officer if he did that)
(Oh, and women: their very existence is illogical)
Prowl frowned when he heard a whimper come from the femme.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 9
He saw the energon puddle forming and felt worry come from his mate. Prowl knew that Jazz had a soft spot for femmes, his mate just hated to see them cry.
(Women, they cry, that's what they do. They cry, because they have emotions and stuff, and must be cuddled by the big strong men so they'll stop their annoying crying.)
As did Prowl, seeing a femme cry
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 10
made his spark flare but with Jazz as his mate, he always kept calm.
Prowl lifted his right servo to his helm and contacted Ratchet. He knew that Ratchet would be angry, for he had sent out a message saying that he did not want to be disturbed.
(You already called Ratchet at the end of chapter 1. Can this author even remember what they wrote before?)
(And you’re the second in command Prowl, your orders outweigh Ratchet's bad temper. You shouldn't give a shit that he'll get mad, you outrank him and you have a medical emergency.)
Prowl: "Prowl to Ratchet"
Ratchet: "This had better be good, Prowl"
Prowl: "It's an emergency. An unknown femme has been found on the beach by Jazz and I. We do not know where she has come from, however, we do know that she is injured. Her arm is torn open and is leaking energon at a fast rate. Also, one side of her lower faceplate is dented."
Ratchet: "What the pit! There was no signal of someone incoming from space! And it's a femme! Femmes don't just pop out of nowhere Prowl!
(Mechs on the other hand CAN pop out of nowhere! We got a bunch of them just last week, we're running out of space to put them all.)
(Seriously, the Autobots won't shut the fuck up about her being a femme. It's like they caught the Loch Ness Monster or something.)
And her injuries….stay put. I shall be there in a few minutes. You and Jazz just keep her calm and awake. Ratchet out"
(Keep her calm? Nobody said she was panicking. But of course, she's a girl, she might go into hysterics at the sight of energon. You know, her frail feminine mind probably can't handle the stress.
(And I guess emergency battlefield repairs are beyond these two's capabilities. Them being Second and Third in command and all, can't expect them to know how to patch themselves up in battle.)
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CHAPTER 3
*Ratchet's POV*
Ratchet was stumped. An unknown femme had just shown up with no warning. Oh, he knew Red Alert will have a field day with this. And he hadn't even told Prime yet.
(The single thing that interest everybody here is the fact that she's a femme. Not that, maybe, she's an intruder who managed to get through tight security, that she might be a Decepticon, that she might be a threat to humans (because yes, there are humans around the base, NEST personel and all that). No, it's a brand new pair of boobs they haven't seen before, how fascinating!)
Ratchet growled and rushed out of the med bay door, almost hitting Ironhide and his mate, Chromia. Luckily, the medic had stopped before they did.
(Look, another girl! And nobody is treating HER like a freaking mythological creature here!)
"What the fragging pit Ratchet?!" howled Ironhide. Chromia said nothing, she just glared at Ratchet. While running away, Ratchet yelled over his shoulder. "No time! An unknown femme was just found on the beach by Jazz and Prowl, and she's injured!"
(GIRL EMERGENCY!!! I might have a chance to get laid tonight! *speeds off*)
The green medic wasted no more time talking to the two weapons specialists. He had an injured femme to tend to.
(Would you have taken your time or not given a shit if the injured person had been male? You make it sound like it, you can't talk about the injured without mentioning their gender.)
Once Ratchet was out of the hanger, he quickly transformed and raced towards the beach. Suddenly a com link came in from Optimus Prime, and his mate's name was attached to it.
(Why does Elita need to butt in on Optimus' conversations? And the author will make sure to mention which femme is paired with which mech, because they're incomplete without their men and not characters on their own.)
With a frustrated groan, Ratchet answered the com link.
(Your BOSS is calling, Ratchet! Sorry that the COMMANDER OF THE AUTOBOT ARMY as to disturb you! He'll make sure to take an appointment the next time he wants a status report! Sorry to bother you, oh great medic!)
Ratchet: "Yes Prime?"
Optimus: "Ratchet, Ironhide and Chromia just rushed into my office and explained to me that Prowl and Jazz have found an unknown, injured femme on the beach. How could a femme arrive without our knowing?"
(Finally someone who worries that an intruder has gotten through security, although he sounds like he doubts a female could be a good enough infiltrator to accomplish this.)
Ratchet: "I do not know sir. Right now, I am just concerned with getting her to the med bay."
Elita One: "Ratchet, I want to know when the femme is out of the med bay. Am I clear? She is not on my team and there may be a chance that she's unmated, which could lead to problems.
(LEAD TO PROBLEMS?! WTF are you implying here? That an unattached female might distract the menfolks from their duties? That the guys will fight to win her favors? That she might get attacked because guys think with their dicks and can't control themselves around an unclaimed woman?
Do you have so little confidence in your men? You're saying that a women is A PROBLEM unless she's mated to a man? Author, do you realize how sexist and insulting to both genders your writing is? And of course, it didn't even cross anyone's minds that she might be A DECEPTICON SPY!!!)
Ratchet: "I understand ma'am. I will inform you as soon as the femme is out of my med bay. Ratchet out."
The medic couldn't help but laugh. Both Optimus and Elita were protective of any femme that came to the base.
(WOMEN ARE WEAK AND MUST BE PROTECTED! THEY ARE FRAGILE LITTLE THINGS THAT CAN SHATTER AT ANY MOMENT!)
Both of them wanted to protect the femmes, since so few had survived the war. Ratchet just hoped that the femme would be alright.
(Kinda ironic that I started writing this sporking on march 8, international women's day? This fic must be one of the most unintentionally sexist thing I've ever read. Every Autobot is either lovestruck or turns into an overprotective mother hen around this Sue. And just wait until we see how all the Decepticons react to her. Hint: have a barf bag ready…)
*Pixie Dust's POV*
As Pixie landed at the coordinates, she felt nothing but pain. Her arm had been torn open when the ground bridge exploded. As the young femme tried to calm herself down, she suddenly felt someone touch her arm. She couldn't hold back the small wince that she did when she was touched, but apparently whoever touched her had not felt it.
(This happens a lot in this fic, we see a scene in one character's POV, then we backtrack and see it in another character's POV. Hey author, try an omniscient narrator POV, that way we can know what multiple characters are doing and feeling at the same time, and your fic will be half as long!)
A smooth voice came from the one that was touching her arm. She could tell from the voice that the one touching her was a mech. Slowly; Pixie Dust opened her optics and stared at the mech. He was a silver color and had a blue visor. The mech had three claws on each servo. Tears were still coming out of her optics but not as bad as before.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 11
Pixie Dust actually felt as if she could trust this mech so she released the hold on her injured arm and remained still.
(You're hurt, alone, (as far as we know) unarmed, just ran away from somewhere you were mistreated, and the first thing you see waking up is a stranger touching you without permission. And yet, you feel that "you can trust him". This girl has no self-preservation instincts. Maybe that's why Prime didn't let her out on patrol, she's too stupid to recognize a threat and would get her ass killed)
The silver mech reached down and gently trailed a claw down her arm. Pixie Dust couldn't hold back the gasp of pain as the mech assessed the damage to her arm.
(WTF JAZZ!?! The girl has an open wound, you don't scratch it to make sure it actually hurts!)
Movement out of the corner of her optic caught her attention and Pixie Dust turned her helm towards a different mech. This one was black and white and he had door-wings. Pixie Dust had never seen door-wings before, so she stared.
(Um, Bubblebee from the Prime universe, where you're from, has doorwings.)
The way the door-wings fluttered and how bigger they looked to her wing-lets were amazing to her.
(I'm hurt and surrounded by unknown mech who could be enemies, but DOORWINGS! SO CUTE!)
Her own wing-lets rose to their full height, which was just about above her helm, they made little movements.
The mech assessing the damage to her arm became startled and fell backwards when her wing-lets rose to their full height.
(Wow, nice there Jazz. You sure react like a special ops warrior with centuries of experience here)
Pixie Dust gasped and fresh tears rose out of her optics.
CRYBABY SUE COUNTDOWN: 12
(SHE'S MENTIONNED TO BE CRYING 12 TIMES IN THREE CHAPTERS! We haven't seen a single moment where she ISN'T crying!!)
"I…I'm sorry. I can't control them sometimes." The silver mech just smiled and shook his head. "It's alright lil' lady. Just surprised me is all. I didn't see them, were they tucked to your body?"
Pixie Dust felt her faceplates become warm. She shyly nodded and looked over her shoulder at her wing-lets. She sighed out a relief when she saw that they were undamaged.
(Could you stop comparing kibble for a sec and move on? BTW, we don't even know what she transforms into. These "wing-lets" are our only clue, but since they're so small, she probably isn't a plane. My guess is that she's a motorcycle like Arcee, because we can't have her deviate from the canon designs, right? That would take imagination and effort.)
She looked back at the silver mech before her, only to see the black and white one kneeling right next to him. With a slight yelp, Pixie Dust's optics widen. "You're really quiet." The pink and silver femme blurted out. Her other servo, the one not damaged, flew to her mouth.
(He's really quiet or you're just really oblivious to your surroundings, since he was standing right next to you.)
The silver mech started to laugh, while the white and black mech just raised an optic ridge at her. "Hello, my name is Prowl. And you have met Jazz."
Pixie Dust giggled softly and nodded her helm. "My name is Pixie Dust. But you can just call me Pixie. It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Prowl and Mr. Jazz." Both mechs look surprised at her response.
(More likely that they're surprised someone with an ARM RIPPED OPEN who was in PAIN a second ago and was BLEEDING HEAVILY is now giggling and making casual conversation)
A sudden honking noise came from behind both of the mechs. Which cause Pixie Dust to try to look behind them with a worry expression on her faceplates. "Hey, don't worry lil' lady, it's just Ratchet. He's our medic." Jazz said, trying to keep her calm.
Pixie Dust gasped and looked at Jazz and Prowl with wide optics. "B...but…he's green. The Ratchet I know is orange and white…" Both Prowl and Jazz look at Pixie Dust confused and turn to Ratchet just as he transforms.
(And the obligatory "but MY character doesn't look like that! *so confused*" scene that goes with every universe-jumping TF fic.)
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Stopping this here for now, but I intent to spork the whole fic for once. It's just that bad and rage worthy.
So, what are my thought? I hate this fic. I hate this Sue. She is weak, whiny, spineless, contributes nothing to the Autobot cause and everyone marvels at the apparition of this pink monstrosity. She flees a world where everyone around her is an asshole who abuse her for no explained reason, and magically ends up in one where she's loved, protected and cherished by all.
That's four chapters out of ten done, and the worst is still to come. Muuuuch worse ahead folks, be warned.