There was so much sad face from headspace
So, I was skimming through this fic when I hit WTFery.
First Timer
Mirage and Hound have a sparkling, but after Ratchet tells them flat-out no. The stories of danger associated with a sparkling these days don't interfere with the scout and noble's plan; in fact, it starts a whole new generation.
(My comments in bold and brackets)
"He'd be the start of a new generation!"
"I understand that, Hound. But..." He sighed, putting down the scalpel and removing the visor shield from his optics. "You know about Mirage's condition... a sparkling would merely develop the same problem. Besides, giving birth to the sparkling would just cause an uncontrolled flow of energon, let alone a cycling attack because he couldn't maintain that uncontrolled flow of energon." (WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. I think I’m thinking about the wrong cycles here and those should not occur in giant robots, let alone a baby robot. AT ALL)
Hound of course knew what he was talking about; every mech did. Ever since Mirage was born, the chamber to cycle air to keep energon flowing when they were on other planets, such as Earth, was formed a few inches off. Because of this, whenever he experienced anything causing anxiety, fear, excitement, etc., his energon would flow uncontrollably and he wouldn't be able to cycle it all, thus having a cycling attack. Ratchet said it was exactly like a human's asthma; Mirage couldn't breathe, and it was indeed life-threatening. (YES, you heard that right, MIRAGE HAS ASTHMA. This is still not better than those cycles. This is fail on an infinite scale, where the concept of being a mechanical life form has just failed to compute.)
"He knows that, Ratchet. That's why you'll be there to help him," he said, smiling slightly to get Ratchet on his side.
But the medic just chuckled and picked up his scalpel. "I'm afraid it's not that simple. And, like I said, he'll just be of extreme value to the Decepticons. He'll be in nothing but danger."
"The Decepticons don't have to know..." he mumbled. (Was Hound planning on inviting them to the baby shower?)
"And how do you plan on keeping it a secret from them?"
"Well, simple. It only takes 8 days for the whole forming process, so he'll be stationed inside when it's noticeable. He'll have the sparkling; we'll make sure Laserbeak or anyone isn't spying, and we'll keep the sparkling well hidden from them." (EIGHT days to make a baby robot. Sparklings are a pet peeve of mine for so many reasons but come on, I’m going to call bullshit on an eight day gestation period)
"...Hound - " he chuckled.
"Ratchet, please! Listen to me! Wh... What if Optimus says yes? It's mainly his decision anyway... Then will you say yes?" (It’s Hound and Mirage’s relationship. Optimus should have NO say in it all, really. Unless this is OP/Hound/Mirage and I didn’t notice…)
Ratchet thought for a moment. He'd never seen Hound this pleading before... He sighed deeply, setting down the scalpel again, rubbing his closed optics with a servo. "I'm sorry..." he whispered, almost so Hound wouldn't hear him. "But it's for your own good. For the both of you. You can't have the sparkling..."
Hound softly gasped in horror, but neither said a thing. Ratchet onlined his optics and put the visor shield back on, looking up at Hound. "I know that's not what you wanted to hear... But a sparkling is just too valuable. He'd be better off not existing." (I don’t even have words for this. WTFery at its finest)
(So. Skipping ahead, after Hound is refused by Ratchet, he goes to ask Prowl for permission to have a baby bot.)
"Yes," he smiled, waving his servos in a manner to get him to lower his voice. "What do you think?"
"What do I think?" he exclaimed. "I think that's a great idea, Hound!" (I think that you don’t sound like Prowl the slightest)
The scout just laughed, clearly not nervous anymore, even if this 'happiness' was an odd behavior from the tactician. "I mean, what do you say? Do you think we can?"
Prowl rubbed a servo on his chin, flickering his gaze down on the table, thinking. "Well..." he started slowly. "I... suppose it would be alright..."
He looked up as Hound smiled. "But don't you think the Decepticons would have a say?" (WHAT. WHAT. Are the Decepticons the disapproving parents that will disown Mirage or Hound for having a brat bot?)
"Yes... but I already discussed that with Ratchet. We'll make sure he's protected, Prowl."
Prowl kept a firm gaze on Hound, still thinking it through. "And you realize the sparkling would more than likely develop Mirage's cycling condition, correct?" (I pity this sparkling. I truly pity it already. The author seems determined to ruin its life before it's even conceived)
"Yes, Prowl. We've thought everything through."
Prowl was silent again for a moment, looking at Hound. "You know," he started. "You two are the first to ask me about a sparkling. Others are too scared."
Hound could hint an edge in the SIC's voice. "Wonder why that is..." Prowl finished. (I don’t even know what point Prowl is trying to make here. Has he forgotten that he is in charge of an army and they’re in the middle of a war…?)
Hound smiled back at the happy tactician. "Guess we've got more guts than the rest of 'em." He obviously knew it was because of what Ratchet was telling him... a sparkling was much too valuable, to both Autobots and Decepticons. Good hostage... rich with energy... defenseless... but also innocent... a new mech to keep the population up... worthy of being historic. He knew Ratchet was right... it wasn't that he cared more about what he wanted than his own sparkling's life, but he was looking at all the positives. (Rich with energy? Is it made of glucose??)
(Skipping ahead, Prowl asks if Ratchet gave permission, Hound lies to him, Prowl gives approval. Hound moves onto Optimus)
Hound looked up at his leader and pushed his servos to his sides, nearly sitting on them. "Well, Mirage was talking about the human children, how they were walking around the town..."
"Mhmm."
"And he... said he wanted one."
"A human child?"
"No," he chuckled. "His own. A sparkling." (Mirage raising a human child would actually make a rather interesting story.)
"Oh..." he murmured, stroking his chin, just like Prowl. He patted it with his digits, looking off at the wall. Silence filled the room, making the air so thick for Hound he could chop it in half. Relief flooded through his circuits as Optimus began to speak.
"Well... Hound... Have you both considered the issues with having a sparkling? How it will affect you two... all of the Autobots, the Decepticons?" (The Decepticons are totally the disapproving parents…)
"Yes, sir. We have."
Optimus looked back at the wall, digits still on his chin. "What about Mirage's cycling condition?"
"We've established that as well, sir."
(Awkward silence ensues, Optimus asks if Ratchet has given permission for this, Hound lies to his face)
"Alright Hound," he heard, and looked up, guilt long gone. "I will permit your sparkling."
Hound smiled brightly at the words. He was no longer considering giving up his chance for a sparkling. "Thank you, Optimus," he chirped.
"But, you must promise me you will protect the sparkling at all times, understood?" (One must wonder how inadequate a soldier Hound is if Optimus must emphasize this to him)
"Yes, of course."
"When would you like for me to tell the others?" he asked, making Hound's smile drop.
"T-Tell the others? Why?"
"Well, a new sparkling is entering the Ark, the others are bound to know sooner or later. Might as well announce it rather than keeping it a secret until a mysterious little mech is running around, don't you think?" (And how long will it take for this news to reach the Decepticons?)
"I suppose..." he agreed. "I'm not sure, Optimus. Wait until he's actually pregnant, of course, but then I guess, 6 days after?" (I hope you will be forever haunted by the image of pregnant!Mirage because I know I will be)
(Hound goes back to Mirage, lies to Mirage that Optimus, Prowl and RATCHET have given approval for them to have a baby bot. The Decepticons have still not been consulted. Smexing occurs. I skipped through it and lose interest with the fic but I did catch this:
He already overloaded once due to Hound's kinky digits.
And this:
Like he also knew, instead of human females taking 9 Earth months for the entire process to take place, Autobots took only 8 Earth days. Femmes, being as rare as they are, were even more advanced, taking only 6 days.
The best part about being pregnant though, according to the lover, was all the overloading.
It was extremely important that the mech who was pregnant overloads at least 5 times a joor, the reason being similar to a human female producing milk. The energon flowing through the Autobot's frame changes to a more silky, condensed formula, especially made for the sparkling to drink once it was born. The partner would preserve the saved transfluid in a cooler, located in the rec room, where it would be ready for the sparkling whenever they needed it, since neither could produce anymore once the sparkling was out.
*Explodes*