(no subject)
Not much going on today. Sleepy, as always. Trying to find some inspiration for something. I've been inordinately happy with my little fic-bits. It's been ages since I've written anything, focusing on art instead. Speaking of art, I think I'm going to start taking photos of my most recent miniatures and post 'em here.
So I've got more cleaning to do tonight, but it's mostly just picking up. Plus Jay and I are going for a walk tonight and then, finally, rest. I've got a lot of painting to do and I've discovered that Boston Legal is like the Deadpool version of television. They do a lot of 4th wall breaking and no matter how much it happens it still makes me giggle hysterically.
Jay and I confirmed our list for what we're taking and what we're not. Now we just have to actually start going through the boxes and dividing stuff. I figure I'll call up one of the local charities and donate the stuff we're getting rid of. We're throwing out televisions and computers and couches and dining room tables and stuff.
Time is my enemy right now. I have this pit of unbridled fear in my stomach. That's normal in the face of change. I think this would be so different if I were different. I want to change. I really do. I'm not comfortable in my skin anymore.
I know I've always been shy, but this is ridiculous. I assume everyone I meet is repulsed by me. I can't think of anything that I do that has any value. Logically I know I have skills, but it all just seems so worthless, things that everyone can do. Nothing special.
I want to change. I want to be different. I want to be someone who communicates. Who keeps in touch. Who is responsible and on top of things. I'm tired of being so TIRED all the time. I let it be my excuse for everything. It's like, I know that if I want to change I have to be the one who does it. I just hate that it hurts to change.
It's like walking to work. There's a hill and I'm always out of breath when I get to the top. And I -hate- that feeling. I hate feeling like a fat, gasping fish. But the only way to stop is to do it over and over and over again.
Ugh. When did this entry turn all self-hating? Pleh. I know what I have to do. I have to take control and tell myself I can't wuss out. I HAVE to change. I have to.
So I've got more cleaning to do tonight, but it's mostly just picking up. Plus Jay and I are going for a walk tonight and then, finally, rest. I've got a lot of painting to do and I've discovered that Boston Legal is like the Deadpool version of television. They do a lot of 4th wall breaking and no matter how much it happens it still makes me giggle hysterically.
Jay and I confirmed our list for what we're taking and what we're not. Now we just have to actually start going through the boxes and dividing stuff. I figure I'll call up one of the local charities and donate the stuff we're getting rid of. We're throwing out televisions and computers and couches and dining room tables and stuff.
Time is my enemy right now. I have this pit of unbridled fear in my stomach. That's normal in the face of change. I think this would be so different if I were different. I want to change. I really do. I'm not comfortable in my skin anymore.
I know I've always been shy, but this is ridiculous. I assume everyone I meet is repulsed by me. I can't think of anything that I do that has any value. Logically I know I have skills, but it all just seems so worthless, things that everyone can do. Nothing special.
I want to change. I want to be different. I want to be someone who communicates. Who keeps in touch. Who is responsible and on top of things. I'm tired of being so TIRED all the time. I let it be my excuse for everything. It's like, I know that if I want to change I have to be the one who does it. I just hate that it hurts to change.
It's like walking to work. There's a hill and I'm always out of breath when I get to the top. And I -hate- that feeling. I hate feeling like a fat, gasping fish. But the only way to stop is to do it over and over and over again.
Ugh. When did this entry turn all self-hating? Pleh. I know what I have to do. I have to take control and tell myself I can't wuss out. I HAVE to change. I have to.