(no subject)

[textualscreams]

Every time my finances come close to being in jeopardy a wall breaks in my brain. I applied for lots of new projects and jobs through my employer, only interviewed for two and both hired other people. There is one project I am wanted for in September but the funding hasn't been approved yet and I am genuinely worried. I have only been able to make enough to pay bills, and haven't saved much of anything. My loans are worse than when I graduated four years ago. My rent is going up. I just don't know how this keeps happening to me. I don't know how someone with amazing references, two masters degrees, bilingual, and four years experience could STILL be having these problems. I know it is a product of my circumstances but I can't help but feel like maybe it's me, too. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I can't let my own thoughts turn on me, but I need to say out loud what I am feeling or I might lose it.