I wasn't going to bother to even answer this but your mother said I should. I really don't think you are open minded enough to even pay attention to what I'm saying. It IS about you. YOU are the one that started this with so many lies I don't even know where to begin.
I can take criticism when it is offered as such and not as an indictment. Yes, I do believe that you love me, as much as you are capable of loving someone that you believe does bad things. I still don't know what it is you think are bad things. Is it because I like to tease those I care about? Is it something else? You never say what it is, just that I do bad things. If that were true why would I and your mother have so many varied and diverse friends? Why would Ariyel profess to love us? Why would many of your friends, gay and otherwise, like us? We have black friends (excuse me, African-American), American Indian friends (excuse me again, Native American), oh wait I was born in this country so I am also a Native American so I guess we can't count them. We have Asian friends and Mexican (and Mexican-American) friends. Old people and young people (some in their teens) and everything in between. Gays and lesbians, straights and some I'm not sure of, so where are you getting the idea that I'm homophobic and hate people of color? Remember, I have an adopted brother and a nephew that are gay and I have a daughter that is gender different. Have I ever made you feel that I looked down on you for that? If so, I'm sorry, because I feel that I have let you have your life and I feel that I have NOT said or done anything that would make you feel differently. Maybe it's because I once stated that I didn't like those people that came here to rape our country and only want the free stuff and do not want to become part of what was once a great country? If so, I am still guilty of feeling that way.
Your mother mentioned something that I had forgotten. Our Dr wants to use me as an example and inspiration for some of her patients since I am very upbeat and never down. One of the reasons I feel I should cut off our relationship, or rather, lack of one. It is a downer and you never listen to my side of anything. You are always the one that's right no matter.
Hundreds, and I repeat, hundreds of people like, and yes, even love us. So where is your attitude coming from? Yes, I used to be very bigoted and am still in some areas like mentioned before but I have improved immensely in the last 20 or so years. I find it sad that you haven't even noticed that.
Yes, I have a weird sense of humor but at least I have one. It seems you don't anymore. Just because something doesn't seem funny to you doesn't mean it isn't funny. A case in point is the TV show "Big Bang". Most geeks I know also think it's funny, especially when it points out the absurdity of what is often the truth.
BTW, I don't have a lot of what I would consider an enemy. But I am not going to get into politics since that makes you angry.
Maybe I'm wrong but if you don't want your child to be around us that is your privilege but I think you would be depriving your child if that is your decision.
And yes we do love you even if you are ashamed of your red neck beginnings and parents.
I've had a couple of days to cool off (and get a cracked tooth fixed--I was probably more cranky than normal due to pretty relentless pain) so I can answer this now. If you're up for it, I may also call you later this weekend, because I think we're losing some nuances this way. I'm a lot calmer about all this than I think you might be imagining, for instance.
Anyway. So ...
First, I've never said you were homophobic. I know you're not. (There's the question of how the way you vote furthers oppression of queer folks, but that's a side issue.)
The racism, though, is pretty simple: racist jokes are not funny. In fact, any joke at the expense of a group of people who are already hurting is not funny. Humor, as they say, should always aim up, not down. Poking fun at people in power? Fine. Poking fun at people who are still being systematically oppressed? Not so much. Picking on the weak is what bullies do. Is that what you want to be?
I don't think you're actively hateful about anyone, really. I think you just hold some views that are based on lack of information or experience, and because you're also a stubborn old goat, you have a hard time listening when someone tells you that you've gotten something wrong. You know your own intentions are good--and they are--so you get angry when someone points out that you're doing something that's hurtful to others.
But here's the thing: very few people in this world are actively evil or even sociopathically selfish. Most people think they're doing the right thing to help other people out. And yet, of course, there are millions of people who still do incredible harm, even when they think they're doing otherwise.
Unfortunately, it's just not enough to mean well. I've had to learn this the hard way myself. I've had my own unconscious bigotry to overcome, as well as a lot of other things I used to do that hurt people. And, like you, I used to get really defensive about it. I truly felt I was being unfairly attacked, because inside my head, there was no ill will. I just couldn't see that I had a disconnect between what I intended to do and what I actually did. Unlearning my automatic defensive reactions was a monstrously hard task, but I feel loads better for having done so.
Honestly, all I want you to do is to stop and think. If someone says you're doing something hurtful, listen to them. Don't just react, thinking you're being crucified because you didn't intend to be hurtful, and therefore you couldn't possibly have been. When someone says "Ow, you're hurting me. Please stop." they're not actually beating you over the head. Don't react like they are.
(...continued) Let me try to put this a different way:
OK, you're a big guy, and you always have been. As many big guys eventually learn, sometimes they don't know their own strength. They could be the sweetest, nicest guys on the planet, but if they're not being especially mindful about how strong they are, they can end up accidentally hurting people--sometimes in very damaging ways.
This was definitely true for you. Even though I know that most of the time, you didn't mean to scare me when I was a kid, you did anyway, simply because you were big and loud and could squash me like a bug if you wanted to. Even when you were just mildly irritated about something, I was still scared. When you opened up the rage gates, I was utterly terrified. Even knowing, logically, that you didn't actually mean me harm, and that you could be--and were--incredibly gentle and loving as well, in those moments, all I could see was this rampaging bear chasing me down.
I think over the years, you learned how to manage that. I think you learned that you had to pull your punches, so to speak, way more than most people simply because there was so much more power behind them. I know it must've been frustrating for you, knowing that you really were gentle-hearted (mostly) and yet you couldn't easily get people to understand that because you were just too scary otherwise. Call it the curse of Frankenstein, maybe.
So, taking what you've learned about that, now think about the other, non-physical things you might be doing that are hurting people without you intending to do so. For instance, what you intend as a light-hearted joke is, to someone who's in a far weaker position, like an anvil coming down on their heads. To again put it in physical terms, it's the difference between stubbing your toe when it's healthy vs. stubbing it when it's already broken. Yeah, it's gonna hurt either way, but it's gonna hurt a whole hell of a lot more in the latter case.
And that's what I think you're missing: I don't think you get that there are millions of people out there who are already seriously broken, and what you think of as no big deal is, in fact very big for them. I think you have a belief that you're much smaller and less powerful than you really are, so you don't think those "punches" from you could really hurt. But they do. Even though you do have many weaknesses--health, poverty, etc.--you still have a incredible amount of strength, and I think you need to be more aware of that, and act accordingly.
I'm very sorry if you feel like you just can't catch a break with me. I also know we're both undoubtedly on greater edge with each other right now because it's an election year, with all the drama that comes with. I wish there was a better way to do this that didn't involve us already being upset about other stuff before we start talking. But, here we are. And I guess we can either decide to do something about it, or decide that we need a little more time apart--maybe until after the election--so we're not so cranky in the first place.
I do want to have a relationship with you. Honestly. But dammit, it hurts. A lot. My instinct is always going to be to stay away from the stuff that hurts--especially when I'm already stressed out about other stuff. I need that bandwidth to get by, and I can't spend it on endlessly going to battle with you over the same stuff.
Maybe ... I dunno. Maybe what we both need to do is to stop assuming the other intends to be a hurtful jackass and go from there. Because that's true, right? You think I'm being mean to you, I think you're being mean to me, and as long as we think that, we're never going to get anywhere (not to mention it might well become a self-fulfilling prophecy at this rate--maybe it already has.)
Obviously, we're different in a lot of key ways, and that's never going to change. But I think it's our similarities that are actually the sticking point here--particularly the fact that we both have a lot of resentment and scars from having some shitty life stuff, and that's made us stubborn and afraid of showing any weakness. It makes sense that things are like that, but it still sucks.
I wish I could explain how much I want this. I wish I could explain that you're still one of the few people who can make me cry buckets just by thinking about you. But ... for all my damned words, I can't seem to get them right with you. And I don't know if I'll ever learn how.
I can take criticism when it is offered as such and not as an indictment. Yes, I do believe that you love me, as much as you are capable of loving someone that you believe does bad things. I still don't know what it is you think are bad things. Is it because I like to tease those I care about? Is it something else? You never say what it is, just that I do bad things. If that were true why would I and your mother have so many varied and diverse friends? Why would Ariyel profess to love us? Why would many of your friends, gay and otherwise, like us? We have black friends (excuse me, African-American), American Indian friends (excuse me again, Native American), oh wait I was born in this country so I am also a Native American so I guess we can't count them. We have Asian friends and Mexican (and Mexican-American) friends. Old people and young people (some in their teens) and everything in between. Gays and lesbians, straights and some I'm not sure of, so where are you getting the idea that I'm homophobic and hate people of color? Remember, I have an adopted brother and a nephew that are gay and I have a daughter that is gender different. Have I ever made you feel that I looked down on you for that? If so, I'm sorry, because I feel that I have let you have your life and I feel that I have NOT said or done anything that would make you feel differently. Maybe it's because I once stated that I didn't like those people that came here to rape our country and only want the free stuff and do not want to become part of what was once a great country? If so, I am still guilty of feeling that way.
Your mother mentioned something that I had forgotten. Our Dr wants to use me as an example and inspiration for some of her patients since I am very upbeat and never down. One of the reasons I feel I should cut off our relationship, or rather, lack of one. It is a downer and you never listen to my side of anything. You are always the one that's right no matter.
Hundreds, and I repeat, hundreds of people like, and yes, even love us. So where is your attitude coming from? Yes, I used to be very bigoted and am still in some areas like mentioned before but I have improved immensely in the last 20 or so years. I find it sad that you haven't even noticed that.
Yes, I have a weird sense of humor but at least I have one. It seems you don't anymore. Just because something doesn't seem funny to you doesn't mean it isn't funny. A case in point is the TV show "Big Bang". Most geeks I know also think it's funny, especially when it points out the absurdity of what is often the truth.
BTW, I don't have a lot of what I would consider an enemy. But I am not going to get into politics since that makes you angry.
Maybe I'm wrong but if you don't want your child to be around us that is your privilege but I think you would be depriving your child if that is your decision.
And yes we do love you even if you are ashamed of your red neck beginnings and parents.
Reply
Anyway. So ...
First, I've never said you were homophobic. I know you're not. (There's the question of how the way you vote furthers oppression of queer folks, but that's a side issue.)
The racism, though, is pretty simple: racist jokes are not funny. In fact, any joke at the expense of a group of people who are already hurting is not funny. Humor, as they say, should always aim up, not down. Poking fun at people in power? Fine. Poking fun at people who are still being systematically oppressed? Not so much. Picking on the weak is what bullies do. Is that what you want to be?
I don't think you're actively hateful about anyone, really. I think you just hold some views that are based on lack of information or experience, and because you're also a stubborn old goat, you have a hard time listening when someone tells you that you've gotten something wrong. You know your own intentions are good--and they are--so you get angry when someone points out that you're doing something that's hurtful to others.
But here's the thing: very few people in this world are actively evil or even sociopathically selfish. Most people think they're doing the right thing to help other people out. And yet, of course, there are millions of people who still do incredible harm, even when they think they're doing otherwise.
Unfortunately, it's just not enough to mean well. I've had to learn this the hard way myself. I've had my own unconscious bigotry to overcome, as well as a lot of other things I used to do that hurt people. And, like you, I used to get really defensive about it. I truly felt I was being unfairly attacked, because inside my head, there was no ill will. I just couldn't see that I had a disconnect between what I intended to do and what I actually did. Unlearning my automatic defensive reactions was a monstrously hard task, but I feel loads better for having done so.
Honestly, all I want you to do is to stop and think. If someone says you're doing something hurtful, listen to them. Don't just react, thinking you're being crucified because you didn't intend to be hurtful, and therefore you couldn't possibly have been. When someone says "Ow, you're hurting me. Please stop." they're not actually beating you over the head. Don't react like they are.
(continued in the next comment...)
Reply
OK, you're a big guy, and you always have been. As many big guys eventually learn, sometimes they don't know their own strength. They could be the sweetest, nicest guys on the planet, but if they're not being especially mindful about how strong they are, they can end up accidentally hurting people--sometimes in very damaging ways.
This was definitely true for you. Even though I know that most of the time, you didn't mean to scare me when I was a kid, you did anyway, simply because you were big and loud and could squash me like a bug if you wanted to. Even when you were just mildly irritated about something, I was still scared. When you opened up the rage gates, I was utterly terrified. Even knowing, logically, that you didn't actually mean me harm, and that you could be--and were--incredibly gentle and loving as well, in those moments, all I could see was this rampaging bear chasing me down.
I think over the years, you learned how to manage that. I think you learned that you had to pull your punches, so to speak, way more than most people simply because there was so much more power behind them. I know it must've been frustrating for you, knowing that you really were gentle-hearted (mostly) and yet you couldn't easily get people to understand that because you were just too scary otherwise. Call it the curse of Frankenstein, maybe.
So, taking what you've learned about that, now think about the other, non-physical things you might be doing that are hurting people without you intending to do so. For instance, what you intend as a light-hearted joke is, to someone who's in a far weaker position, like an anvil coming down on their heads. To again put it in physical terms, it's the difference between stubbing your toe when it's healthy vs. stubbing it when it's already broken. Yeah, it's gonna hurt either way, but it's gonna hurt a whole hell of a lot more in the latter case.
And that's what I think you're missing: I don't think you get that there are millions of people out there who are already seriously broken, and what you think of as no big deal is, in fact very big for them. I think you have a belief that you're much smaller and less powerful than you really are, so you don't think those "punches" from you could really hurt. But they do. Even though you do have many weaknesses--health, poverty, etc.--you still have a incredible amount of strength, and I think you need to be more aware of that, and act accordingly.
I hope at least some of this makes sense. If not, you might want to read something I wrote on my other blog a couple of months ago, that addresses something similar: http://mediatedlife.wordpress.com/2012/05/16/fun-and-games-with-straight-white-males-class-discrimination-edition/
(one more comment to come ....)
Reply
I'm very sorry if you feel like you just can't catch a break with me. I also know we're both undoubtedly on greater edge with each other right now because it's an election year, with all the drama that comes with. I wish there was a better way to do this that didn't involve us already being upset about other stuff before we start talking. But, here we are. And I guess we can either decide to do something about it, or decide that we need a little more time apart--maybe until after the election--so we're not so cranky in the first place.
I do want to have a relationship with you. Honestly. But dammit, it hurts. A lot. My instinct is always going to be to stay away from the stuff that hurts--especially when I'm already stressed out about other stuff. I need that bandwidth to get by, and I can't spend it on endlessly going to battle with you over the same stuff.
Maybe ... I dunno. Maybe what we both need to do is to stop assuming the other intends to be a hurtful jackass and go from there. Because that's true, right? You think I'm being mean to you, I think you're being mean to me, and as long as we think that, we're never going to get anywhere (not to mention it might well become a self-fulfilling prophecy at this rate--maybe it already has.)
Obviously, we're different in a lot of key ways, and that's never going to change. But I think it's our similarities that are actually the sticking point here--particularly the fact that we both have a lot of resentment and scars from having some shitty life stuff, and that's made us stubborn and afraid of showing any weakness. It makes sense that things are like that, but it still sucks.
I wish I could explain how much I want this. I wish I could explain that you're still one of the few people who can make me cry buckets just by thinking about you. But ... for all my damned words, I can't seem to get them right with you. And I don't know if I'll ever learn how.
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