A few random whines
This past weekend's retreat thingy proved a few things to me:
1. I'm not a lesbian.
I am most definitely sexually and romantically attracted to many women, of many different kinds (oh, am I) and I love my female friends, but where a lesbian might feel comfortable and energized at being in an estrogen-dominant environment, I find it awkward and draining. When I found myself gravitating to the handful of (queer) guys there, I knew something was off.
I think the reason for this really boils down to my gender stuff. I've tried really hard to find a model of womanness that feels right to me (and of course there are many; there's no one right way to be a woman) but I've just never landed on that. I can relate to other women in many ways--common interests/experiences/humanity--but I don't have that automatic sense of identification many women do with each other. It never feels "native" to me, if that makes any sense. Still don't feel male enough to transition, but I definitely identify more with men. So, yeah. Always feel slightly out-of-place when I'm surrounded by women.
2. I think I've got all I'm going to get out of this group.
Much as I've enjoyed getting back up to speed on singing, I think it's time for me to move on. Which I always knew I'd do, of course. What with the adoption thing and wanting to do more-complex music, I knew I wouldn't be here forever. Just kind of surprised it only took me one term to make up for the four years of being away from singing. Guess the riding-a-bike thing is true of riding my instrument, so to speak. I do still have some work to do on getting my sight-singing up to speed before I go auditioning for one of the next-tier groups (and they're not auditioning until summer anyway) but I think that's prolly best done with a coach. And since I'm not getting anything else out of this group, and I'm starting to dread rehearsals and the upcoming concerts (much less the summer choral festival), I think it's time I shifted gears to something else. I don't ever want to go another four years without singing again, but I also need to do the kind of singing, and be in the kind of group, that really feeds my soul. And this just isn't it. Nothing wrong with the group--just not for me, is all.
3. Bandwidth limitations suck
Got submitted for another work gig. Three positions with this one (it's a startup team) and one is an interesting schedule. The contract also only goes through June, which would be good. I really don't want to work right now. I would much rather spend my days writing, among other things. But we could definitely use the money, just to have on hand for any unforeseen adoption expenses and such. And I can always quit if I don't like it. Of course, I may not even get an interview, considering the last three submissions didn't come to anything, either. Can't decide which is more irritating: facing having to do the office grind again, or realizing I'm actually having trouble finding a job, which is slightly scary.
If I do start working, though, there's really no way I can give any more energy to this chorus. I'm feeling pulled apart enough as it is with just the adoption prep getting in the way of writing time/focus. If I'm doing the paycheck thing, I'm going to be in big trouble if I'm trying to do chorus, too.
1. I'm not a lesbian.
I am most definitely sexually and romantically attracted to many women, of many different kinds (oh, am I) and I love my female friends, but where a lesbian might feel comfortable and energized at being in an estrogen-dominant environment, I find it awkward and draining. When I found myself gravitating to the handful of (queer) guys there, I knew something was off.
I think the reason for this really boils down to my gender stuff. I've tried really hard to find a model of womanness that feels right to me (and of course there are many; there's no one right way to be a woman) but I've just never landed on that. I can relate to other women in many ways--common interests/experiences/humanity--but I don't have that automatic sense of identification many women do with each other. It never feels "native" to me, if that makes any sense. Still don't feel male enough to transition, but I definitely identify more with men. So, yeah. Always feel slightly out-of-place when I'm surrounded by women.
2. I think I've got all I'm going to get out of this group.
Much as I've enjoyed getting back up to speed on singing, I think it's time for me to move on. Which I always knew I'd do, of course. What with the adoption thing and wanting to do more-complex music, I knew I wouldn't be here forever. Just kind of surprised it only took me one term to make up for the four years of being away from singing. Guess the riding-a-bike thing is true of riding my instrument, so to speak. I do still have some work to do on getting my sight-singing up to speed before I go auditioning for one of the next-tier groups (and they're not auditioning until summer anyway) but I think that's prolly best done with a coach. And since I'm not getting anything else out of this group, and I'm starting to dread rehearsals and the upcoming concerts (much less the summer choral festival), I think it's time I shifted gears to something else. I don't ever want to go another four years without singing again, but I also need to do the kind of singing, and be in the kind of group, that really feeds my soul. And this just isn't it. Nothing wrong with the group--just not for me, is all.
3. Bandwidth limitations suck
Got submitted for another work gig. Three positions with this one (it's a startup team) and one is an interesting schedule. The contract also only goes through June, which would be good. I really don't want to work right now. I would much rather spend my days writing, among other things. But we could definitely use the money, just to have on hand for any unforeseen adoption expenses and such. And I can always quit if I don't like it. Of course, I may not even get an interview, considering the last three submissions didn't come to anything, either. Can't decide which is more irritating: facing having to do the office grind again, or realizing I'm actually having trouble finding a job, which is slightly scary.
If I do start working, though, there's really no way I can give any more energy to this chorus. I'm feeling pulled apart enough as it is with just the adoption prep getting in the way of writing time/focus. If I'm doing the paycheck thing, I'm going to be in big trouble if I'm trying to do chorus, too.