Untouchable
Woke up in a bad mood thanks to a good dream.
The dream itself was quite nice--a naughty little romp with a random cute actor (not Andrew.*) But then when I woke up, I got depressed because I realized that such a thing would never, ever happen in real life. Not for the legitimate reasons--fame, distance, not actually knowing each other--but because said actor is fatphobic.
Generally speaking, it doesn't bother me too much when I'm just not someone's cuppa in romantic/sexual terms. If someone tells me I'm just not their type, fair enough. That sort of thing can happen to anyone. Hell, I've said it a time or two myself (I tend not to go for really bearish men, not because of prejudice, but because of bad memories/associations.)
No, what bothers me is when someone wouldn't even consider being a friend because they have such a problem with fat people. Or, when they might consider having me around a bit, but would never cross the line into a closer friendship because of that (people who, for instance, might be cuddly with their slender friends, but don't want to touch me because they're disgusted or think the fat's contagious or something.)
And then of course there's also the problem with total strangers who, beyond the friendship question, think I shouldn't go out in public, or share transportation or even exist because I'm so hideous.
It all gets really tiring. It's frustrating as hell to have to constantly have filters on, worrying about whether a given person might harbor a secret hatred or disgust for me. It's bothersome to have to hold back, not being gregarious or throwing myself into getting to know someone until I know for sure that they're going to be OK with me. It's depressing to have to avoid certain categories of people (fashionistas, for instance, or other kinds of people who are obsessed with artificial pretty) because chances are so very good that they're going to have a problem with me.
And even when I think I'm in the clear, sometimes people can surprise me. I recently had to unfriend someone on Facebook--a casual friend I've known for years--because of something horribly fatphobic he said. I've also had to drop other friends from time to time because of their constant talk about diets, or ongoing negative comments about their own bodies that make me wonder: If they hate their own (perfectly normal) bodies so much, what must they think of mine?
Occasionally, people will wonder why, given my otherwise-friendly nature, I don't go out and be social more, or get to know people around here instead of online or whatever. Well, this is why. I have to be careful, and choose only those people with whom I have a reasonable expectation of acceptance. I once had a professor ask me why I socialized so much online, instead of, for instance, trying to strike up a friendship with the kid sitting next to me. Said kid? Was a 19-year-old baby douche who was into monster trucks and muscle car magazines. Yeah. Not exactly going to be excited to be friends with an old fat lady.
Of course, it's not just the fat thing, either. I have to be careful about religious folks, for instance, until I'm sure that they're not homophobic or have a problem with atheists (and until I'm sure that any "tolerance" they claim to have for those things is for real, and not just a token thing they do to be able to pat themselves on the back.) I have to be careful around people whose politics might not support my right to, say, health care or non-discrimination or whatever.
I really envy people who don't have any of these potential pitfalls--people who could go up to just about any random stranger, and have a reasonable expectation of becoming friends so long as they got along in general. Having to go through life with these constant filters up is a giant pain, and I really wish I didn't have to do it.
Because y'know what? It really sucks to get excited about a seemingly nice actor and follow what he does for a while and then suddenly find out that if he ever met you, he'd probably recoil, or at least mock you behind your back later on.
Meh.
*Actually, as far as Andrew's concerned, that's one of the reasons I like him. While I don't know him personally and therefore don't know for certain, there are at least some indications that he's not hateful about that. I know I wouldn't be his type romantically (he obviously has a thing for short, cute waifs--I've got the short and cute part, but...) but it's fairly obvious that he's otherwise comfortable with people of all different stripes. I imagine that being raised in a home with a mom who taught kids with disabilities probably helped, there.
The dream itself was quite nice--a naughty little romp with a random cute actor (not Andrew.*) But then when I woke up, I got depressed because I realized that such a thing would never, ever happen in real life. Not for the legitimate reasons--fame, distance, not actually knowing each other--but because said actor is fatphobic.
Generally speaking, it doesn't bother me too much when I'm just not someone's cuppa in romantic/sexual terms. If someone tells me I'm just not their type, fair enough. That sort of thing can happen to anyone. Hell, I've said it a time or two myself (I tend not to go for really bearish men, not because of prejudice, but because of bad memories/associations.)
No, what bothers me is when someone wouldn't even consider being a friend because they have such a problem with fat people. Or, when they might consider having me around a bit, but would never cross the line into a closer friendship because of that (people who, for instance, might be cuddly with their slender friends, but don't want to touch me because they're disgusted or think the fat's contagious or something.)
And then of course there's also the problem with total strangers who, beyond the friendship question, think I shouldn't go out in public, or share transportation or even exist because I'm so hideous.
It all gets really tiring. It's frustrating as hell to have to constantly have filters on, worrying about whether a given person might harbor a secret hatred or disgust for me. It's bothersome to have to hold back, not being gregarious or throwing myself into getting to know someone until I know for sure that they're going to be OK with me. It's depressing to have to avoid certain categories of people (fashionistas, for instance, or other kinds of people who are obsessed with artificial pretty) because chances are so very good that they're going to have a problem with me.
And even when I think I'm in the clear, sometimes people can surprise me. I recently had to unfriend someone on Facebook--a casual friend I've known for years--because of something horribly fatphobic he said. I've also had to drop other friends from time to time because of their constant talk about diets, or ongoing negative comments about their own bodies that make me wonder: If they hate their own (perfectly normal) bodies so much, what must they think of mine?
Occasionally, people will wonder why, given my otherwise-friendly nature, I don't go out and be social more, or get to know people around here instead of online or whatever. Well, this is why. I have to be careful, and choose only those people with whom I have a reasonable expectation of acceptance. I once had a professor ask me why I socialized so much online, instead of, for instance, trying to strike up a friendship with the kid sitting next to me. Said kid? Was a 19-year-old baby douche who was into monster trucks and muscle car magazines. Yeah. Not exactly going to be excited to be friends with an old fat lady.
Of course, it's not just the fat thing, either. I have to be careful about religious folks, for instance, until I'm sure that they're not homophobic or have a problem with atheists (and until I'm sure that any "tolerance" they claim to have for those things is for real, and not just a token thing they do to be able to pat themselves on the back.) I have to be careful around people whose politics might not support my right to, say, health care or non-discrimination or whatever.
I really envy people who don't have any of these potential pitfalls--people who could go up to just about any random stranger, and have a reasonable expectation of becoming friends so long as they got along in general. Having to go through life with these constant filters up is a giant pain, and I really wish I didn't have to do it.
Because y'know what? It really sucks to get excited about a seemingly nice actor and follow what he does for a while and then suddenly find out that if he ever met you, he'd probably recoil, or at least mock you behind your back later on.
Meh.
*Actually, as far as Andrew's concerned, that's one of the reasons I like him. While I don't know him personally and therefore don't know for certain, there are at least some indications that he's not hateful about that. I know I wouldn't be his type romantically (he obviously has a thing for short, cute waifs--I've got the short and cute part, but...) but it's fairly obvious that he's otherwise comfortable with people of all different stripes. I imagine that being raised in a home with a mom who taught kids with disabilities probably helped, there.