Heartkeepers (One-shot)
Title: Heartkeepers
Type: One-shot
Genre: Angst
Summary: Jin had the Sun in his eyes, but he didn't have many more days. Kame makes a decision that changes all of their lives, a decision that only a loved one would do.
Note: Debut one-shot to mark the beginning of a writing journal. Comments are very appreciated.
Date: Oct 5 2008
Jin was dreaming. It was not a good dream. Nightmare. In the dream, he was chased by two big burly blacks who refused to stop hurling abuses at him in some weird alien language. It sounded like Greek-Tamil-Chinese, which pretty much sounded like crap. All the while during their chase, whenever Jin turned back tolook, their middle fingers were perpetually pointed at him, the other hand welding a chopper.
His dream sure was screwed.
Jin came running through the maze of alleys. He didn't stop. He felt out of breath, like dying. But still, he'd rather not wake up.
If waking up meant facing reality, if waking up meant so much more. He'd rather spend his life being chased by big weird burly men, spend his life running.
Nightmares were nothing next to waking up and realising that his king-sized bed was too big for him alone. Too lonely.
Jin opened his eyes, cold sweat on his forehead shining softly in the yellow-grey light. Dim dirty light seeped in through the blinds and Jin reached for his alarm. 8.03 am. Jin slumped back against his navy and gold striped pillow and groaned.
He got up, got through with the normal mundane human usuals and made his way to the kitchen. He spilled his coffee on the carpet while walking to the porch, but he either ignored it or didn't notice it. It would have been highly unlikely for the latter, but it was Jin, afterall.
But when he finally sat on the cushioned wooden chair on his porch and set down his coffee, it hit him that he forgot something. He walked back to the kitchen, through the backdoor into the garden.
Violets. Daisies. Lilies. Roses. Frangipanis. Sunflowers...
Yes, sunflowers felt right for today. Sunny, but breezy at the same time. He plucked a few, walked back to the porch and placed them beside the coffee.
"There, now our coffee looks so much better with flowers beside it!" Jin settles into his chair and stared at his flowers, or the cup, maybe the table. He frowned, then he got up to rearrange the flowers.
"Don't you think so, Kame?" Jin smiled into the blank emptiness that sat on the opposite chair.
Jin turned his attention back to the cup when he had no reply and started arranging the flowers. "I used your favourite cup again today, the one with the little turtle prints on it..." Jin whispered, nearly choking the words out.
Jin's eyes started to feel a little moist, but he blinked the tears away. He didn't know what to do anymore. He had ran away and hid himself in the outskirts of London, but it didn't help. So, he figured maybe, just maybe he could drive himself insane if he started acting like a loony whilst hiding. It might help, he wasn't sure, but pretending Kame was there made him feel so much better.
And it came so easy too.
He pretended all his life, from being a Junior at Johnny's Entertainment, to KAT-TUN, and now. Pretending to be someone he wasn't, pretending everything to be the way he wanted.
He would do the same thing everyday, make a cup of coffee for both of them to share, go to the market and get some food. Mostly squid actually, because that was Kame's favourite food. Then they or he would play some baseball and sing some KAT-TUN songs,just yesterday they sang Kizuna fourteen times.
It felt right, really.
Jin didn't understand why though, how the world seems to be functioning all right around him. He was a wreck, trying so hard, but the sky still seemed blue, the stars still shone. Maybe that's why, he needed to feel right, like the rest of the world. He didn't want Kame, one of the brilliant many stars up there, to see him as the odd one out. So now, he is at peace with the world. At least, he is trying.
Jin never thought that there could be anything worse than being alone. But then he realised, that there was.
To be alone, lonely but still having to be strong. Still having to live on each and every other day with a pretentious smile. The agony of being so truly alone resembled what a constricting space did to a claustrophobic. It, literally, devours you, blood and bone.
***
"The cancer cells are not spreading. This is a good sign." Doctor Emilo Walle smiled kindly at Jin, nodding slowly, like as if he approved Jin of recovering.
Jin managed a weak twitch of his lips in return. Kame, beside him, squeezed his arms and grinned ear to ear. He was euphoric. "Of course, Kamenashi-san has to continue providing the stem cells we need, just in case." the old silver-haired doctor frowned and wrinkled his nose, further creasing his face more than it already was. In this case, it was a look of disapproval. Nevertheless, Kame bit his lip and nodded furiously, like a kid overly happy when seeing his ice cream.
"It's rare. For you to have such a good friend who happens to be a donor. You have no idea how fortunate you are." Dr Walle ruffled Jin's already messy hair a bit more.
***
Approximately a year and a month passed.
Jin felt way better than he first did when he started treatment. Things were looking absolutely great. At this rate, he may be able to return to JE in say, a year? He no longer felt weak, shrivelled up and constantly pathetic. It was amazing how fast he was recovering.
Maybe it was the pancakes Ryo and Pi secretly brought for him during each visit. Kame was constantly an uptight pain in the arse when it came to food and medication and all the nitty-gritty. Yes, it has got to be the pancakes.
He also made a few friends in the private hospital. Tallulah Beaumont and Taka-san. Tallulah was 15, half Swedish and half Japanese, but Jin could only remember her as APL. Taka-san was 39, divorced with two kids, but Jin only remembered him as AML. He remembered them by the cancer they were suffering from.
Like as if it was all that mattered.
Though. It did, in some way.
***
As all good stories begin, it happened on one fine day. Kame simply told him they were changing doctors.
"Eh? WHY?"
"Maa..." Kame squinted and rubbed his tired eyes. Jin noticed that Kame's eyebags were getting deeper. The Chanel concealor was not helping at all. And Kame's eyes were tired and sad, as if shrouded by a cloud of unspoken worries and unspeakable mistakes. It ached him to see Kame like this. Where is the Kame he used to know?
The detemined, confident, and somewhat stubborn guy whom he grew to love more than hate. It was that day, Jin remembered, when Kame learnt of his illness by accidentally reading his medical report not long after he had the cancer. That Kame started to change. Because of him.
There was a long pause before Kame spoke again.
"The new doctor's pretty hot. You'll like her." A sure statement, unrefutable, no negotiations.
"Well...But i do like Emilo-milo!!!" Jin whined and pouted like a spoilt six-year-old. Puppy eyes employed at full blast.
"But. She's a hot, young doctor! Single and available. Very leggy. Gorgeous bronze tan, golden brown long curls..."Kame coaxed, pushing Jin on his wheelchair through the garden.
"Hmmm...",Jin considered for two seconds. "Okay!" Kame looked at Jin, who was oblivious and smiling like a little kid, and smiled back. Kame didn't even have to think hard for reasons to get Jin to change doctors, thinking of the stupid reason he gave Jin, he couldn't help but smirk.
***
Kame took a long time to make the decision to change doctors. Not because he wasn't sure, but because he couldn't find a willing doctor who would do what he requested. He still remembered what the wise old doctor said. The look of determination on his face slowly turning to confusion to exasperation and then toone of utter defeat and resignation.
------------------
"You have been giving too much, Kamenashi-san. If this goes on, you'll harm yourself. Too much is taken from your body, and will continue to be taken, looking at Jin's current condition. I will not continue with the treatment." Dr Walle's tone was firm.
"What could possibly be too much? What more will be needed? Isn't Jin recovering slowly already?"
"Yes he has, but it's not just a matter of a year that recovery is ensured, it's a few years. And it's no longer just the stem cells we need." The doctor paused and took out an X-ray and some medical reports from a file. He pointed his right index finger at the blur of words Kame can't seem to decipher, and went on explaining how the leucocytes and red blood cell count were fluctuating, how his organs were affected. And then the words. The words that made sense to Kame.
"It's an organ we need." The words came out fluidly, soft, light and viscous. As Kame digested the information, the words filled up his head and stuck to the inner walls of his skull. It took up every imaginable bit of space in his brain, and it stayed there.
Kame stared at the doctor for a good while.
"He looks fine for now of course, but the cancer, it's like a silent drug, taking him over, slowly." Dr Walle now spoke with a certain earnest, as if he wasn't convincing enough that the stoic-looking Kame in front of him would believe him.
"I'll donate mine."
"Right. But one of your kidneys, the left one, is not functioning very well already. If you were to give him the other, your days will be numbered too..." The words stung Kame, he knew of his condition, he knew. But did Dr Walle have to say it so plainly? Putting it across so clearly only forces him to accept the ugly truth.
"Take it." There was no hesitation, no deliberation.
"You love him, don't you?" Dr Walle sighed.
"Yes. I do." Kame smiled weakly, "Does that matter?"
"I understand why you want to do this. But i'm sorry. I can't do this. It's against my principles." The doctor paused and then spoke quietly. "I don't want to kill him later on, only by saving him now. It's not right. I'm sorry."
Kame nodded slowly. "Then. Thank you Doctor, for all that you've done for Jin. But i'll be changing doctors."
------------------
***
Kame was right. Doctor Heather Reynolds was hot. In fact, she not only was hot, she also seemed to be his lucky star. Earlier Dr Walle told him a whole load of bullcrap about his ailing organ and how the situation was affecting him. He offered him a bad situation. And it was just the first appointment he had with this Dr Reynolds, and she offered him a solution.
They found a suitable donor. The operation was in three weeks.
Things couldn't have looked better. He had a hot doctor, Kame at his beck and call and suitable donors for everything he needed. He couldn't understand who said suitable donors were hard to find. Bullshit, suitable donors were everywhere.
***
Kame's decision never wavered. Partly, he was selfish. Even though he knew that it would be hard for Jin when he left, Jin would get up and move on eventually. Jin had Yuu-kun, Pi, Ryo and the rest of KAT-TUN. They would be by his side, there to support a friend they loved. But if Jin left, Kame wouldhave no one. Ueda and Junno may mope around with him, Maru would probably bring him breakfast everyday, Koki will bring him out for spins and drinks. But that was about it. He didn't have other close friends like Jin had, like Pi or Yuu.
He only had Jin.
How could he bear what he had to face if Jin left?
And of course, there's the main reason of refusing to let Jin die. In everybody's eyes, not just his, Jin was bright and warm, like the Sun. Forever smilingand infecting others with his unfounded happiness and laughter. Jin, with his beautiful voice and uncanny charisma, had thousands of fans out there. Jin, with his unstoppable passion and determination, could put down everything and go to LA to learn English. Jin was what Kame couldn't be. Or so he thought.
Kame clearly didn't think about himself at all. He didn't think about how KAT-TUN would survive without him.
He didn't think about who it was who arrived earliest at work and left the latest. He didn't think about who did most of the mc-ing in talk shows and Cartoon KAT-TUN. He didn't think about the first letter of the band he was in.
Maybe it was because he was the youngest in the group, he was always trying to assert himself and his position in the group. He was always trying so hard, trying too hard maybe. That sometimes he felt tired, worn out. But Jin was always there, except for the LA period, Jin was always there, even though they quarrelled and fought. Donnybrooks, so, so, so many times. It got so bad once before they had a cold war. But since what seemed like forever, Jin was just there. He knew Jin would be capable of holding on to KAT-TUN. He had to.
He could leave Jin to hold on to everything he loved and protected.
***
Two days after the appointment. Nineteen days till the operation.
With Jin looking fresh and perpetually psyched up over nothing at all, Kame decided to go on a short trip to LA.
Why? Jin had asked.
"I've known and experienced most what you had, except LA. I want to see what you experienced there. Just to take a look." Kame smiled. Jin always thought
Kame's smile was the most beautiful thing in the world. It brightened up his whole face all at once.
"Okay." Jin smiled, and planted a gentle kiss on Kame's slightly crooked nose. Jin could smell the Burberry cologne that Kame always wear. The sweet old nostalgic scent. The same crazy heart-lifting awesomely beautiful feeling.
Jin bent lower and leaned in onto Kame, slowly pressing his lips to Kame's. Warm, moist and unbearably soft. Everything he remembered it to be. It had been so long, too long, since the last time he kissed Kame.
Whenever their lips met, it would be as if time stopped, and the world was just him and Kame. It wasn't hard to imagine. When you kissed someone, all you could see, hear, feel, smell and touch was nothing but that person. The world was that person.
Now, Jin's world was Kame.
Kame's world was Jin.
***
Five days after the appointment. Sixteen days till the operation.
Three days till Christmas.
They just stepped onto American soil. The flight had been smooth, quiet, quick even, the hours flew by. Kame was beginning to wonder if going overseas at this point of time was the right thing to do. Jin is sick, afterall.
He wouldn't have requested for the trip if it was a normal circumstance. But clearly, this was not.
"Ne Kame, look." Jin pointed at the sky. Kame looked at the sky, it was beautiful. He never really took note of skies, usually they all looked the same to him, a definite vast blue, sometimes with a few clouds. Sometimes it was grey and heavy with the clouds. And at nights it would be donned with a million golden sparkling sequins, at times, a big bright circular slab of gold moon.
But now when he looked at the sky, he genuinely felt that it was beautiful. He didn't know if it was really beautiful, or that because he was dying, he started to look at things a little more differently.
Kame smiled and took off his shades. It was America, and no news of them going overseas was made, it could hardly be argued that they would get chased by fangirls. Jin took off his Raybans too, he took Kame's smaller hands in his own and walked to the cab.
On the way to the hotel, Jin kept on talking about his life in LA previously, describing to Kame how he survived on olives on a particular Sunday when he wastoo lazy to go out to get any food, laughing at his own stupidity between recollections.
"I even got mobbed by fangirls once! HERE. Can you believe that? I came all the way here and i got mobbed by fangirls!" Jin laughed, a look of utter disbelief. Kame couldn't help but laugh along.
"We must be really famous!" Jin said idiotically.
"Yeah, you are unbelievable."
"YES. GODDAMN IT. I"M FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE."
The two burst into laughter, and started imitating Johnny when he always used to lecture them about how famous they were going to be and what their position as an idol means and all that bull. The taxi driver stared at them as if they were morons.
***
Eight days after the appointment. Thirteen days till the operation.
Christmas.
Jin could smell it. The scent of Christmas was in the air. It was his favourite time of the year.
It wasn't just the food (though obviously food played a large part), it wasn't just the lights, it wasn't just the atmosphere. It was the people. It was the people you were around with during Christmas that made the msot difference. Family, loved ones, friends.
This year, since he was in LA already, he would visit some of his old friends in the morning. The rest of the his day was Kame's.
***
For the past two days before Christmas, Jin had been showing Kame around. Showing him how the nightlife was like as they squeezed through throngs of naked sweaty bodies in a club, showing him how peaceful it could be as they ambled through quiet streets and quaint old little shops that smelled of rust. Showing him what he had when he missed home as they sat at Sushi Talk, a Japanese restaurant Jin claimed to have the best sushi in the whole of LA.
It was all good until this morning.
"I'm gonna look for some friends okay? Just the morning, i promise!" Jin coaxed.
"But it's christmas..." Kame said slowly, trying to sound nonchalent, trying to keep his voice straight. It was afterall, his last christmas. Couldn't he have a perfect one?
"I know, but that's exactly the point! Can you imagine how surprised they would be? Besides i came all the way here...And i'm sick. I might never see them again."
Don't worry, you will.
"Only the morning, i promise okay?" Jin smiled and leaned down to kiss Kame on the forehead, patting his head as if he was a loyal dog.
Kame didn't reply, he watched as Jin slid out of bed beside him and get dressed. It wasn't that he couldn't understand what Jin was thinking, but couldn't he be allowed to be selfish just for once? It'll be the last time.
But when Jin looked at him questioningly, he smiled, "Have fun yes? I'll wait for you here.", managing to fake a brilliant smile.
"Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas to you too."
Jin bit his lip, and stood at the end of the bed, shuffling his weight from one feet to the other. He then looked up at Kame, his fringe covering his shy eyes, "I love you."
"It's the first time you said it that way to me."
"Well, I was thinking, i never really said it to you properly before. And i really do mean it." Jin then raised his head and smiled shyly.
"Come here," Kame smiled and gestured Jin to come over. He took Jin hands in his own, they felt warm and nice, and said "Remember, that i love you too. Okay?" Jin nodded, suddenly solemn. "Now go." Kame pushed Jin slightly. Jin smiled and got up, slowly making his way to the door.
A gentle "click", and the door closed with an uneasy finality.
***
It was 12.32pm. Jin was late. Kame continued to stare at the ivory cornices on the ceiling, occasionally taking a glance towards the door. He had been waiting every minute ever since Jin left.
He knew he was being possessive, wanting Jin to be by his side whenever possible. But i guess when you are dying, things begin to look a little bit differently. You don't have all the time in the world. Maybe you could literally feel the seconds tick by as you take a step closer to death.
And Kame knew. He could hear it. The suite was completely silent save for the mechanics of the old grandfather clock. They sounded nothing like "ticks" and "tocks", they sounded more like a hammer knocking on a screw continuously, slow, sick, deathly, in a certain hideous rhythmic pattern. And it beckoned him.
It wouldn't take too long. He would turn into sheer nothingness, surrounding the hammer knocking the screw, surrounding the air you breathed, surrounding Jin.
What seemed like eternity passed. 12.56pm.
***
Kame got up after looking at the time, 1.28pm. He imagined Jin at his friend's place now. His windy hair sitting atop his laughing face, his fringe covering his shiny eyes. With a smile like that, who needed eyes? That was always what he thought. Not Jin's shiny dark brown eyes, nor is it his high cheekbones. Jin's smile was undeniably his best feature.
He imagined Jin in his crumpled white shirt and worn denim jeans, a Merit Light between his fingers, the fiery ash falling off the edge of the cigarette. He imagined Jin speaking in English, a language he couldn't understand. He imagined Jin, in a world without him.
Yes, Jin will survive alright without him.
2.02 pm. The phone rang.
***
"Kamenashi-san?" Worried, familiar, heavily accented Japanese words.
"Hai."
"Akanishi-san had fainted and is now at the state hospital."
Time seemed to stop. Kame couldn't hear the fatal knocking of the hammer. He felt like his bones were up in smoke, his brain melting in his skull, every bit of him slowly vanishing. And he realized. He was sheer nothingness, now.
***
"LA state hospital." Kame barked in English. Thankfully, the driver understood Kame at once or else Kame would have bitten off his fat blonde head. He would suck his bones dry. He dialled Dr Reynolds and told her to make arrangements for the doctors here to get on with the operation.
"You aren't even sure of the situation now. Don't be rash." She cooed calmly into the phone.
"Don't be rash? Jin will die!" Kame spat the words out.
"You don't even know how he fainted exactly!"
"It happened twice before in Japan and his situation both times, were fatal. He managed to pull through then, but it won't be the same this time. DON'T SAY. I DON'T KNOW." Kame snapped, flipping the phone shut. He wasn't even exasperated now, he was beyond exasperation.
Kame reached the hospital ten minutes later, snapping at the nurse behind the counter because she couldn't understand him. Well, neither could he. How could the nurses here be so infuriatingly inefficient?
It took a whole half an hour before he got to Jin.
And then he saw.
A pale figure with an oxygen mask on his face, his chest heaving up and down slowly, tiredly. Jin was awake. Kame took Jin's hands in his.
"Oh Jin." Smiling weakly, Jin reached out and stroked Kame's cheek, wiping away the tear that escaped his eye.
"I thought you forgot. I thought you were late. I didn't think otherwise. I didn't think this would happen so fast..." Kame was sobbing hard now, his words were muffled, rushed.
Jin shook his head, stroked Kame's cheek again and closed his eyes. He was tired. His body was tired. Kame stayed there, all the while holding on to Jin's hands. I won't let anything happen to you. You were my reason for living. I'll be your reason for living.
***
"Dr Reynolds has told me everything." The stick-thin brunette in front of him said softly. A certain Doctor Johnson. "I am willing to do this for you because if i were in your shoes, i would do exactly the same." Her Japanese was perfect. Kame nodded. "Thank you."
"But you do know, the consequences? The moment the operation is over. Your health would be in a very dangerous and severely unstable state. You wouldn't last a week." She explained stiffly. Kame nodded again.
"So when do you want to have the operation? Jin hasn't much time." She admitted grimly.
"Tonight then." It came out like a whisper.
***
He dialled home, asking about the welfare of his parents, telling his brothers to take care of his parents. He then dialled Yamapi, and told him everything.
Only he would understand, and he did.
"Tell Johnny i'm thankful. Be there for Jin when i'm gone okay? Make sure he lives well..." Kame was interrupted by Yamapi again, "Are you sure?" He asked for the 9083257 time.
Kame paused. "Yes. Don't ask anymore. You know me well enough."
"Thank you Kame, we've had our differences in the past...but i don't really know what to say now. I'm sorry."
"It's the same for me too...Goodbye Pi...Take care." With that he clicked off. He only had to write one more letter. And he was done with his life.
***
Kame felt the same throughout, the moment he decided that the operation was tonight, to when he was lying on the cold operation table, Jin's hands in his. He was sure, at ease, happy. He only regretted not being able to at least hug his family goodbye. Maybe tell Koki personally too. He would never drink with that sweet badass anymore.
It was the best decision he made in his entire life.
***
Jin awoke, feeling fuzzy and airheaded. A little tired, still weak, but somehow different from how he was feeling before. He smiled. He could feel it in his bones. Recovery. He pulled himself up and looked around. It was night, but the lamp by the bed was switched on. Soft mellow light was radiating from the small lamp, chasing the cold darkness of the night away.
"Kame?" To him, it was Christmas tonight, and he was not going to spend Christmas in the hospital. They were going to sneak out, eat popsicles, have lotsa sex and drink themselves dead. He rubbed his neck and walked to the window. A snow flake fell down and pasted itself gently on the glass window. A beautiful white star with intricate lace details, one like no other. Another fell, another fell and another. It was snowing, just slightly.
A figure came in. "Kame?" Jin turned around. But the figure in her perfectly pressed white and blue uniform was not the man he wanted to see. "Akanishi-san, you ought not to move around." It was a Japanese nurse.
Jin smiled weakly, "Hai.", he crawled back into the bed and spoke again. "Where's Kamenashi? You know, the man who was with me earlier before?"
"Sorry, i don't know." She clearly knew. But how could she say it?
"Would it be okay, if i looked for him? I'm feeling fine now, i can do it." Jin pleaded, flashing a brilliant smile.
The nurse dipped her head, unsure of what to say. "I understand. Please go then." She would let him find out himself.
***
It didn't take long. The moment Jin stepped out of his private ward, he could feel eyes boring through his back wherever he went. Something was wrong. Jin was dumb, but it didn't mean he didn't have common sense. He shrugged off the uneasy feeling and asked around, pretending he didn't know that they were talking about him.
Everybody just seemed to avoid him, or said they didn't know.
"Are you sure?" He asked one.
"I..I don't know really please stop asking me!" The nurse stammered and walked away hurriedly.
The hotel.
Maybe Kame was making turkey and they were going to have an awesome Christmas feast and then have crazy mind-blowing sex. Yes, these people were weird and crazy. Whatever. He would get to the hotel, even though he wasn't supposed to, and he would see Kame making beef stew and salads.
***
Jin walked slowly out of the hotel, it was freezing and he could feel the snow falling from the sky and melting on his face. He had managed to get dressedbefore he left the hotel but it was still cold. The street was filled with people, weird, wasn't it supposed to be Christmas?
It was a while before he managed to hail a cab.
"Where to?"
"The Grand Hyatt."
The driver didn't speak thereafter, the radio played soft music in the background.
Oo the city in the winter the sewage the steam
You fill buildings with people and they rip at the seams
Somebody's suffering infected my dreams and
Don't they know? it's it's it's it's just my old soul
How sure how right?
Can anyone be on sight?
I said I had Hope
I lied. I lied.
So calm so wise
Give him the Nobel Prize
He said he had Hope
He lied
"That was a beautiful song by Sarah Slean, Eliot. Okay, it's 8.30pm right now, two days past Christmas, but Santa's still in town. It's still that time of the year so the next song we have is by "My Grown Up Christmas List" by Michael Buble, enjoy."
Jin interrupted the beginnings of the song, "Excuse me, but what's the date today?"
"Two days 'ast Christmas, din ya 'ear? Twenty 'eventh young man!" The driver replied roughly in a thick accent. Jin slumped back in the leather seat. Two days past Christmas. He had been sleeping for two days? Then, where was Kame?
"Forget the change." Jin slammed the door of the yellow cab, hearing a brief "Thanks man." and nearly ran up into the suite.
"Kame? Kame? Are you there?!" Jin shouted into the empty stillness of the suite. He looked into the bedroom and the toilet, but Kame was nowhere to be seen.
It was in the bedroom, on the study table. He saw a pale limpy looking piece of paper, an envelope.
"Jin" It wrote at the front. Jin fumbled with the envelope, desperately trying to get the letter out, his eyes were already moist. What the fuck? A fucking letter?
He finally tore away the little whore of an envelope and read the contents of the letter.
***
Dear Jin,
I know you must be feeling confused and angry now.
I didn't want this to happen either. And when i knew it was, i didn't think it was so fast. When you woke up, i wasn't there by your side. Truth is, i won't be there by your side anymore. I'm really really really sorry.
I was that donor who donated the kidney to you. My left kidney wasn't working very well. I donated my right one to you. Dr Emilo Walle didn't agree to my doing this, i had to find another doctor, that was why i switched doctors. It wasn't because Dr Reynolds was hot.
I don't have many days left, don't bother to look for me okay?
It would only hurt worse.
I couldn't just watch. Jin, i couldn't. You were always there for me, always looking out for me, taking care of me. I just wanted to do something in return.
I'm sorry this was the worst yet best Christmas present i gave you.
This is nobody's fault. It just happened and i did what i would do. I prayed everyday and every night but it didn't help. I had to do something.
I believe you would do the same if you were in my shoes.
You have my kidney in you. I live together with you. And so, don't you dare try to hurt yourself. Don't you dare mope around and rot away. I didn't give you my kidney for nothing. I really need you to do these. It's not much at all.
Keep KAT-TUN going on. I know you can do that, take my place, sing my share of songs. Bring the group to greater heights. Stop being mean to Junno. And be good friends with Koki. He used to have at least me in KAT-TUN. Write more music with Ueda. Maru will get very stressed up over my departure, he's not very strong that way, help him.
Take care of both our families. This includes our dogs. This includes you.
Get a good person to love. Start a family hopefully.
Follow your heart. Live strong. Live happy.
My ashes. Take them to the sea. Okinawa. We had the happiest memories there.
And.
I love you Jin. Never doubt that.
P.S. This place, this bond. Will never disappear.
***
Jin was shaking. He slumped against the royal blue carpet on the ground and re-read the letter about twenty times. Angry tears rolled off his cheeks as he buried his head in his arms and held his knees close to himself. As if that could stop him from breaking apart, into hundreds, thousands of little pieces.
How could he?
How dare he?
He sobbed hard, shaking uncontrollably, biting his lips, trying not to make a sound. His eyes were red and swollen and his lips were bleeding.
He had to get to the hospital, find out which hospital Kame was in now.
***
Jin stepped into the office. He could smell the smell of sterilised medical equipment. He could smell the smell of kidneys being transplanted. He could smell the death.
Doctor Johnson took a look at him. "I can explain everything." She sounded a little nervous, bony fingers curling up at the sides.
"I don't need to know anything now. Where is he?" It came out more like an order than a question. Jin bit his lip and hitched his thumbs into his pockets. He was worried he couldn't control himself and just slap this little bitch of a doctor.
"I...I'm not supposed to tell you. Mr Kamenashi told me not to tell you." She stammered a little.
"Fuck that." Jin paused and walked till he was right in front of the doctor. He examined her face as he walked. Worried and nervous, definitely. Her nose was sharp and there were lines in addition to the eyebags beneath her eyes. He held her face in his, staring right into her misty gray eyes. Her eyes enlarged and seemed to bulge out of her skinny skull as Jin touched her face. "Can you look at me, and tell me you won't tell me?" He whispered, soft but harsh at the same time. She didn't reply. She didn't dare.
He shook her a little harder.
"Can you?"
Fresh tears filled up her eyes and she didn't look at him again.
***
He made it to the private hospital just in the outskirts of LA within an hour. He dialled the Kamenashis, T-TUN, and Pi. Apparently Pi knew everything. He didn't have time to be angry with Pi now. They were on the next flight to LA.
He stood outside the ward now. Unsure, half debating with himself as fresh tears found their way down his cheeks. He heard a soft cough inside the room. Kame was alive.
He twisted the cold metal knob and opened the door.
Kame.
His eyes were closed and his body was limp and tired, his face was pale and creased. He wrinkled his nose up in disgust as he muttered "I don't want supper.", clearly irritated.
"Yes, hospital food stinks doesn't it?" Jin walked towards the bed. Kame sat up slowly, his expression a mix of feelings. Relief. Pain. Disbelief. Joy. Sorrow. Peaceful.
"I knew it." Kame tried to smile, but he only managed a weak twitch of the lips. Jin pressed his lips to Kame's and held him tight. He felt breakable and soft in his arms.
"I'm sorry," Kame said when they pulled away. Jin was crying again. Kame stroked his cheek and wiped the fresh tears away. "How dare you?" Jin whispered.
Kame paused. "I don't know Jin."
"Take your kidney back. There's got to be some way around this." Kame smiled gently, "There's no way around this."
"Whatever. I don't want your kidney."
"Please, Jin. Can we not talk about this? I don't want to argue with you."
"Then don't."
"Jin." Kame took his hand. "I'm tired. Lay down here with me okay?"
Jin couldn't say anything to refute that. "Okay. But. Tomorrow's another day."
Kame nodded and buried his head in Jin's hair, smelling the Frederic Fekkai apple cider shampoo that Jin used. The same familiar old scent he would never forget. Hopefully, he'll have his tomorrow.
***
Kame slept. But he didn't wake up in the morning. Jin freaked out and rushed to get the doctor.
"I'm sorry but he's in coma for now."
"Coma? Now?"
"Yes...We're unsure how long he'll sleep, or when he'll wake up. I'm sorry."
"Can you do a kidney transplant right now?"
"I'm afraid not, his body is too weak already."
***
That day, Jin stayed by Kame and talked to him. He sang Care and Kizuna, trying to keep his voice from wavering, trying to stop the tears from falling. He did everything he could to dissipate the silence of the room. It's weird what the thesauraus says about the word silence, they might say quiet, tranquil, peaceful. Which was all bullcrap. The room was silent when Jin stopped talking or singing. And he didn't feel peaceful at all.
He watched Kame's shallow breathing for hours, making sure that the thorax cavity was expanding and contracting as it should. He watched as the flesh seemed to eat itself away from Kame's body. He watched as the thorax cavity suddenly stopped all movement. He watched as Kame slowly die in front of him.
Jin screamed for the doctor.
***
The Kamenashis, T-TUN and Pi arrived later that night. They were too late. Quiet tears were shed for the Kamenashi men. Kame's mother was sobbing loud and hard all the while holding Jin in her arms. He was crying with her too. He was crying Kame's share too. So he cried doubly hard, if that was even possible.
T-TUN were lost. They didn't seem to know the situation much yet. It didn't seem to hit them. Koki was squatting in the corner, head buried in his arms, Ueda was sniffing quietly. Junno was stoning in his seat as tears dropped from his eyes. Maru was a wreck. Pi was the only one who didn't cry. His eyes were moist but he had complete control of himself. He knew it was coming anyway.
Nobody blamed Jin.
Why? Why couldn't someone just slap him and tell him it was all his fault? Why didn't anyone blame him? Didn't they realize? I'm the guilty one here! I'm the one who should have died! I'm the one who took his life away! Can't you all see that!?
Instead, everyone just treated him as if he was the victim. Even Kame's mother hugged him and told him that it was great the Kame had someone like him by his side.
Great? Great that he caused Kame to die for him? He didn't deserve all the kindness. Not one bit.
***
The funeral was a quiet affair. Just some of the closer friends and family. But the headlines were large. The news was like an atomic bomb. The stories printed were twisted and screwed. Jin didn't know why Johnny wanted to make such a huge buzz out of Kame's death. Why would he want the whole world to know Kame died? It didn't make the fact more true than it already was, yet it made it worse for Jin. Did it earn him more money? The thought of it made him sick.
***
It had been three weeks now. He didn't do what Kame told him to do in the letter at all. Clearly,he fancied escapism. Jin walked up from the porch and went down to open the gate. He was going to get some fertilizer. Standing there, unexpectedly, was Kame's mother.
The two of them stood there for a while before Kame's mother smiled and let herself in. She touched Jin's elbow and led him in too.
"The house is quite a mess." Jin nodded stoically. He honestly didn't know what to say to that. He didn't know how to react to her just appearing at the gate of the house.
She sat herself down on the leather couch and gestured for Jin to sit down too. "I was waiting. I didn't know if i should come. But when you opened the door,i thought. It must be Fate."
"Why did you come?" Jin didn't mean to sound rude but that came out too quickly. Mrs Kamenashi smiled gently. "I wanted to see how part of my son was living. And apparently, it's not the type of lifestyle i was hoping for." Jin kept quiet and bowed his head, suddenly afraid and guilty of all that he had done.
Escaping.
"I'm sorry... I just couldn't. It is my fault. I can't face up to it.." Jin said quietly, shiny tears streaming down his gaunt face. She moved forward and took him in her arms. "It was never your fault. My son made his choice, to die to save a loved one. It would be what i would do. What's most important now, is that i make sure my son didn't die for nothing."
Jin sobbed harder and he kept at it for a long time. Finally he said something right. "I know."
***
Jin returned to Japan two days later. He only brought Kame's favourite cup back.
Jin does everything now in KAT-TUN. Which was exactly what Kame used to do. He fluidly moves through talk show after talk show, taking Kame's place in Cartoon KAT-TUN, singing his share of songs in Music Station. He visits Kame's family, he visits his own, he spends time with T-TUN and Ryo, Pi and everybody else. He takes Ran-chan and Pin for walks together. He does almost everything Kame requested him to do, except find a new person to love, and one last final thing.
***
Jin never took his ashes to the sea before this because doing that meant that Kame was really dead, and previously, he wasn't ready to accept that. Now it's time. He drove along the highway, feeling the breeze play with his hair, gently carassing his face.
There was once.
"Your hair is all messed up again!" Kame used to say. Jin just laughs, presses his fringe against his eyes and say "Now i've got no eyes!" Kame smiles. "With a smile like that, whoever needs eyes?" And Kame would continue to mess up his hair.
He lived through each day now, trying as best as he can to make the best out of everyday. But the memories, they come back every now and then, reminding himto soar. Kame was in him, he could feel Kame's blood gushing through his veins when he watches baseball, when he remembers the past.
The day was glorious. He reached the beach. Okinawa. Yes, they had the best memories here. The purest. The most beautiful. Nothing could ever take those away.
Jin walked slowly into the shallow waters of the sea, holding the ern. He opened it and poured it slowly into the water as he walked along the shorelines. He watched as the dust sprinkled and land softly onto the silky surface of the clear blue water. He poured until all of Kame was in the sea. Then he spoke, "I'll live well Kame. I have you with me." The words were silent, dreamy, heard only by a certain someone.
Jin stretched out his arms and basked in the sunlight for a few moments before turning and walking back to his car.
It didn't matter. Love did only what love could do. Kame held his heart, kept it beating.
They were forever.
Remarks:
OKAY I DECIDED TO REPLY.
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