what a mess
sup journal. it's been a while.
what's new? well, i got my job back and that is a wonderful thing. my sister had a little boy a couple of weeks ago and i get to meet him for the first time tomorrow. i'm enrolled in school and i'm one week away from completing my first course and i've got a 92% in the class so far. i've got 34 days of sobriety and i'm going to AA meetings whenever i possibly can. i've got a sponsor who is pretty much fucking amazing, and i'm calling three women in the program every single day because that's what my sponsor is telling me to do.
and i feel dreadfully alone.
i am in so much fucking pain it's unreal. i'm fighting so hard to keep a little pieces of my old self and all the while to try to find out what my real self really is. i know i'm a good person and i know i've done a lot of harm to myself but i also know that things will be okay. probably soon they'll be okay but right now i'm in pain and all i want to do is go out and numb that pain. but i'm not. i'm home drinking hot chocolate and i'm about to go to bed. i called my sponsor and cried to her and i cried to some friends and now i'm crying to my livejournal. i don't know what else to do. i feel like i need to write about it as much as i can because writing always helps.
i think the biggest problem is that i feel so insecure and sad and weird and stupid and lonely and afraid and lost. but i know that i'm none of those things except for maybe insecure and afraid. well, i am definitely those. but i know those things will go away i just have to give it a little time. so i'm gonna wait and pray because that's what i'm supposed to do. but i'll probably keep bitching here because it feels nice to bitch. at least i'm not drinking.
what's new? well, i got my job back and that is a wonderful thing. my sister had a little boy a couple of weeks ago and i get to meet him for the first time tomorrow. i'm enrolled in school and i'm one week away from completing my first course and i've got a 92% in the class so far. i've got 34 days of sobriety and i'm going to AA meetings whenever i possibly can. i've got a sponsor who is pretty much fucking amazing, and i'm calling three women in the program every single day because that's what my sponsor is telling me to do.
and i feel dreadfully alone.
i am in so much fucking pain it's unreal. i'm fighting so hard to keep a little pieces of my old self and all the while to try to find out what my real self really is. i know i'm a good person and i know i've done a lot of harm to myself but i also know that things will be okay. probably soon they'll be okay but right now i'm in pain and all i want to do is go out and numb that pain. but i'm not. i'm home drinking hot chocolate and i'm about to go to bed. i called my sponsor and cried to her and i cried to some friends and now i'm crying to my livejournal. i don't know what else to do. i feel like i need to write about it as much as i can because writing always helps.
i think the biggest problem is that i feel so insecure and sad and weird and stupid and lonely and afraid and lost. but i know that i'm none of those things except for maybe insecure and afraid. well, i am definitely those. but i know those things will go away i just have to give it a little time. so i'm gonna wait and pray because that's what i'm supposed to do. but i'll probably keep bitching here because it feels nice to bitch. at least i'm not drinking.