*sigh* (name witheld for their privacey)
being woke up at around 01.30L, driving around north central G'ville looking for someone, carrying said someone to truck, driving said someone back to my house, then being woke up again about half an hour later to wrestle the person to the floor and keep them pined there for roughly 3 hours until Kat and I just got sick and tired of it. Called 911. Police came, EMT's came, and, said someone, is now in detox @ meridian. Baker Acted. Kat and I had to work the next day. Kat went with said someone to the hospital. I was woken up again close to 07.00L to pick Kat up. After getting back home, I went back to bed because I was drained and empty. I didn't want to fall out of rafter's from exhaustion. Only got 3 hours on Friday. I feel kinda bad because said person is so much smaller and weaker than I am, with no martial training at all. I had to get kinda rough with her, and I am afraid that I might have hurt her. I was VERY close to triggering. VERY. Had to take a 20 minute time out to read Harry Potter, and chain smoke. I was getting kinda close again when the cops came in, and saw me on top of her. Things went down, and then I was shaking from a mixture of rage, hurt, betrayal, and having guns in my house that are not mine. Said person said some really nasty mean and spiteful things in order to hurt me, and get me to kill them. This person wanted to die that night. I didn't grant her wish. I have more than enough blood on my hands to last me three lifetimes. Besides....there are a VERY select FEW in this entire world that I would kill for. One of them happened to be in the room at the time, but it sure as HELL wasn't said person. I have warrior blood on my hands. I will not dishonor their memory by sullying their blood with that of a coward. I am ashamed to admit that I came DAMN close to it twice that night. TOO damn close for my taste. But I held on, and kept myself under reasonable control. I don't know whether to be proud of that "accomplishment" or to still feel terrible that I almost granted her wish twice. *sigh* I am actually thinking about taking Phil's advice and joining his group. Although I do not think that I am ready for that yet. Not a group setting. Not yet. I have my father, Phil, and Julio to talk to. One-on-one is about as much as I think I can do right now. But this was just too damn close for my comfort. I feel dirty in a way. I am supposed to protect my friends, not kill them. "This We Will Defend" is the Army Motto. It is a Motto that I hold very close to my heart. I am a defender, protector of my pack. And even though said person has offended me and abused my trust one too many times for me to concider them even a friend, much less a member of my pack, She was at the time. This is not cool.