Pregnant (some graphic content, read at your own peril)
Sunday night, oct 19th I had a dream that I had taken a pregnancy test. It was one of those digital ones that says PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT. When it was time for me to check on it, the digital reading kept shuffling like a casino slot machine. I was saying to myself that I was pregnant and just wanted verification. The window on the left was for NOT PREGNANT and the window on the right was for PREGNANT....the slots stopped on the window on the right...then suddenly NOT flashed over the top of it. I woke up that morning and took a pregnancy test--it turned out negative. For the next few days I notice this extremely disgusting and unavoidable flatulence. Michael tells me to get Beano.
I start feeling sick to the stomach on Tuesday or Wednesday. I think maybe I have caught a virus from one of the kids since I couldn't possibly be pregnant. However, my period due date was not until Sunday oct 26th...so it was still early. The nausea was getting so awful I could barely concentrate during school. Interestingly enough, I was hungry all the time and was always thinking about the next time I could eat and what I could eat. I still suspected a virus though because I was constantly gagging and had vomited at least once.
SO, pregnant or not pregnant saga continues....took another pregnancy test on thursday Oct. 23rd and it still said negative. Was getting frustrated, very moody and my breasts were starting to feel tender and sore, and then I found some slight bleeding...ahhhh...the monthly friend had arrived....so I thought. I bulked up on tampons and pads as I went to school for the last day of the week hoping I'd be able to make it through to the end of the day without barfing. I manage to make it through the day, excited that I get to leave at 2pm--I get home, go to the bathroom notice the bleeding is sparse. Implantation bleeding perhaps? (Lord knows I've been reading pregnancy websites since Michael and I got married) I'm so exhausted that I end up taking a nap for a few hours until Michael arrives home close to 6...I'm in bed by 9pm and sleep through the night until 5 am on a Saturday and I REALLY have to pee. I could take another test, but I don't....I decide to wait until Sunday, the day I was due for the monthly visitor.
Saturday I occupy myself with dishes, laundry and grading papers. However, my mind can't get around the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant. So, Michael drops me off at the bookstore while he goes and purchases his new laptop. I think this is a neat diversion cuz he knows I'm extremely jealous of all the gadgets he's been getting lately (new blackberry curve, new laptop--both of them biz expenses *sigh*) and he also knows I could spend HOURS in a bookstore.
Of course, I am parked near the family & Children section checking out birthing books. I decide to forgo the What to Expect When You're Expecting Books as I'm not REALLY positive I'm expecting and I figure some of the information will make me cry, scream, or become very worried. Instead, I find this amusing book: The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy. The first chapter contains a list of the top 10 signs you are pregnant...I have shown at least 8 of these signs within the past week. I buy the book...along with the book TWILIGHT.
On the way home it suddenly made me very upset that Michael was getting all these new toys while I was sitting there irked by the smell of my gum, dealing with the most freakishly sore boobs, and in the midst of either passing out or hurling my recent sonic hamburger all over his UT shirt. I'm so angered by all of this that I toss my gum past him out his window (most likely fully intending to hit him with it but thinking wiser of it at the last second). This sends me into uncontrollable laughter that almost DOES cause me to upchuck the chuck patty I ate for lunch. Michael is perplexed. We arrive home and again, I'm too tired to make it past the 9pm mark (although I tried VERY hard to stay awake to watch all of Hellboy).
Sunday morning...test time, and what is the verdict?....Not Pregnant...maybe all my symptoms are psychological. I have to stop thinking about it, but it's hard not to when your boobs feel like they are filled with rocks and you get up 3 times in the middle of the night to pee. I'm starting to think about why my mother found out she was pregnant so late. Perhaps she took the tests and they told her she was not pregnant. But I digress....So, the saga continues.
Monday morning Oct. 27th I wake up at 1:30 to pee, then again at 3:30--I never get up in the middle of the night to pee, and now I'm doing it twice? I go back to bed and then get up again at 5:30. I decide to try a pregnancy test. At first there is nothing but the dark red test line...then slowly a second faint line appears. I literally freeze--am I pregnant? is this just a joke? Am I seeing things? I read the directions "the 2nd line may appear lighter than the first but if their are two lines, then the test is positive"--that means 2 lines = pregnant. I can't contain myself so I wake Michael up with the news. Of course I'm so excited that I'm thinking about it all day and I can't focus. That night I go to bed early around 8:30-9pm. Again I'm up early, this time at 3:30am I decide to take another pregnancy test. Again, the 2nd line appears, faint...this has to be a pregnancy. So I spread the news, to a few--I don't want to jump the gun. I tell Anna and my sister...then Michael tells his sister and Anthony.
Through the week I get nervous about this faint line. I read from other women who also got a faint line and still became pregnant, some women never got 2 distinct lines, still others go the faint line and then their period a few days later. I decide that I have to keep testing. I'll wait until Friday....Wednesday night the implantation bleeding is back, but a bit heavier than last week's. It's still brown and sparse but has me very nervous. Thursday morning, Oct. 30th, I wake up with serious cramps, the kind I usually get when my period is coming. I take another test and still that faint line appears. I do some more online reading and my cramps increase. I'm SURE I have my period. Throughout the day I'm constantly going to the bathroom to check. Around 10 I go again for the 4th time that morning and this time, there is blood--not brown but red. It's not heavy, just one small streak with other thick fluid but it causes me to sob in the bathroom for a full 5 minutes. mind you, I'm at work. I cannot focus at all and I still have 2 classes left to teach. I will not be able to make a trek to the bathroom again until the end of the day. It's a nerve wracking experience and i become immediately depressed. Should I call my doctor? Should I wait it out? Perhaps I should try a different pregnancy test brand? All that goes through my mind is..."I'm not pregnant, and I already told..." I feel like crying all over again. I page Michael and of course he's worried that I'm a mess and says he's on his way. I manage another sneak to the bathroom and this time it's heavy with clots.
Michael comes in to pick me up at school. He called my doctor and she is worried about an ectopic pregnancy and she schedules me to go in for an ultrasound at 3pm. The ultrasound shows nothing in the uterus--so they do a vaginal ultrasound to get a closer look. The doctor on call for ultrasound is perplexed, he said there is no sac or sign of pregnancy but he said it could mean it's still early. They want me to have a blood test done to confirm hCG--the hormone for pregnancy.
During the entire visit I am crying. I feel so stupid, that maybe I had made up the entire episode and that I was never really pregnant. Maybe my mind was so engorged with the desire to be pregnant that it created phantom symptoms. I had all the signs of pregnancy, or did I? It was too much to bear. I go have the blood test and a pelvic exam. Pelvic exam shows that cervix is closed which she tells me means a miscarriage hasn't happened or hasn't completed. The results from the pregnancy test do not arrive until the next day. The blood test comes back positive for pregnancy but hCG is only 7. For a home pregnancy test to show positive result, the hCG level must be around 20 or higher. Being I tested positive on Monday, it could mean my hCG is getting lower, therefor showing miscarriage in progress or it could be that the pregnancy is very early (although I'm not sure why it would start high then get low when it's suppose to get higher as pregnancy progresses). In the meantime, all pregnancy related symptoms are disappearing. No more nausea, no more painful boobs, no more middle of the night potty sessions.
I have another blood test on Monday to find out if the number keeps dropping or if it will go back up. If it goes back up that's a good sign, if it drops to zero that means a failed pregnancy and I miscarried. If it stays the same or stays under 10 then it could mean ectopic pregnancy. So far the bleeding is heavy on a daily basis and the cramps are painful. Miscarriages aren't a one day thing. You don't expell remains and then get on with your life. The process can take anywhere from a few days to 2-4 weeks. It's a very painful experience, both physically and emotionally, to be reminded on a daily basis that your pregnancy didn't work out. I cannot imagine what it's like for those who miscarry later in their pregnancy or even give birth to stillborn. That has to be absolutely devastating.
November 3rd Monday's blood test confirmed that I have miscarried. In the face of all of this...I am having horrifying dreams--will I be able to get pregnant again? If I do, will I miscarry again? What once was a very positive exciting experience has turned into something very unpleasant and depressing. Michael and I will have to wait to experience the joys of pregnancy. With a miscarriage they (meaning doctors) tell you to wait for your body (and mind) to heal--some say 3 months, some say wait until you've had at least one regular cycle. My doc told me to wait until I have experienced 2 periods. So, for now we'll look forward to our honeymoon cruise in March (let's hope nothing bad takes that away either) and then we can start thinking about babies again. I'm trying not to be pessimistic about the whole thing. Someone upstairs decided that it wasn't my time. It just upsets me. Why not me? I hear about all of these other people who say "we weren't even trying, it just happened." Or, "we weren't expecting it to happen so soon." Then there are those who've been trying for over a year, or who have miscarried more than once. I can't imagine feeling this disappointment every time you try. It's nerve-wrecking enough to try to figure out if you're ovulating, then to wait and see if it actually worked. Who's to say that this won't happen again after we start trying again? Kudos to those who keep on trying.
In my quest to end things of on some kind of positive note, I'm surrounded by wonderful mother's to be. I'm so very happy that many of my friends and colleagues will soon be mothers for the first time. I'll have lots of guidance when my turn finally does come.
I start feeling sick to the stomach on Tuesday or Wednesday. I think maybe I have caught a virus from one of the kids since I couldn't possibly be pregnant. However, my period due date was not until Sunday oct 26th...so it was still early. The nausea was getting so awful I could barely concentrate during school. Interestingly enough, I was hungry all the time and was always thinking about the next time I could eat and what I could eat. I still suspected a virus though because I was constantly gagging and had vomited at least once.
SO, pregnant or not pregnant saga continues....took another pregnancy test on thursday Oct. 23rd and it still said negative. Was getting frustrated, very moody and my breasts were starting to feel tender and sore, and then I found some slight bleeding...ahhhh...the monthly friend had arrived....so I thought. I bulked up on tampons and pads as I went to school for the last day of the week hoping I'd be able to make it through to the end of the day without barfing. I manage to make it through the day, excited that I get to leave at 2pm--I get home, go to the bathroom notice the bleeding is sparse. Implantation bleeding perhaps? (Lord knows I've been reading pregnancy websites since Michael and I got married) I'm so exhausted that I end up taking a nap for a few hours until Michael arrives home close to 6...I'm in bed by 9pm and sleep through the night until 5 am on a Saturday and I REALLY have to pee. I could take another test, but I don't....I decide to wait until Sunday, the day I was due for the monthly visitor.
Saturday I occupy myself with dishes, laundry and grading papers. However, my mind can't get around the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant. So, Michael drops me off at the bookstore while he goes and purchases his new laptop. I think this is a neat diversion cuz he knows I'm extremely jealous of all the gadgets he's been getting lately (new blackberry curve, new laptop--both of them biz expenses *sigh*) and he also knows I could spend HOURS in a bookstore.
Of course, I am parked near the family & Children section checking out birthing books. I decide to forgo the What to Expect When You're Expecting Books as I'm not REALLY positive I'm expecting and I figure some of the information will make me cry, scream, or become very worried. Instead, I find this amusing book: The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy. The first chapter contains a list of the top 10 signs you are pregnant...I have shown at least 8 of these signs within the past week. I buy the book...along with the book TWILIGHT.
On the way home it suddenly made me very upset that Michael was getting all these new toys while I was sitting there irked by the smell of my gum, dealing with the most freakishly sore boobs, and in the midst of either passing out or hurling my recent sonic hamburger all over his UT shirt. I'm so angered by all of this that I toss my gum past him out his window (most likely fully intending to hit him with it but thinking wiser of it at the last second). This sends me into uncontrollable laughter that almost DOES cause me to upchuck the chuck patty I ate for lunch. Michael is perplexed. We arrive home and again, I'm too tired to make it past the 9pm mark (although I tried VERY hard to stay awake to watch all of Hellboy).
Sunday morning...test time, and what is the verdict?....Not Pregnant...maybe all my symptoms are psychological. I have to stop thinking about it, but it's hard not to when your boobs feel like they are filled with rocks and you get up 3 times in the middle of the night to pee. I'm starting to think about why my mother found out she was pregnant so late. Perhaps she took the tests and they told her she was not pregnant. But I digress....So, the saga continues.
Monday morning Oct. 27th I wake up at 1:30 to pee, then again at 3:30--I never get up in the middle of the night to pee, and now I'm doing it twice? I go back to bed and then get up again at 5:30. I decide to try a pregnancy test. At first there is nothing but the dark red test line...then slowly a second faint line appears. I literally freeze--am I pregnant? is this just a joke? Am I seeing things? I read the directions "the 2nd line may appear lighter than the first but if their are two lines, then the test is positive"--that means 2 lines = pregnant. I can't contain myself so I wake Michael up with the news. Of course I'm so excited that I'm thinking about it all day and I can't focus. That night I go to bed early around 8:30-9pm. Again I'm up early, this time at 3:30am I decide to take another pregnancy test. Again, the 2nd line appears, faint...this has to be a pregnancy. So I spread the news, to a few--I don't want to jump the gun. I tell Anna and my sister...then Michael tells his sister and Anthony.
Through the week I get nervous about this faint line. I read from other women who also got a faint line and still became pregnant, some women never got 2 distinct lines, still others go the faint line and then their period a few days later. I decide that I have to keep testing. I'll wait until Friday....Wednesday night the implantation bleeding is back, but a bit heavier than last week's. It's still brown and sparse but has me very nervous. Thursday morning, Oct. 30th, I wake up with serious cramps, the kind I usually get when my period is coming. I take another test and still that faint line appears. I do some more online reading and my cramps increase. I'm SURE I have my period. Throughout the day I'm constantly going to the bathroom to check. Around 10 I go again for the 4th time that morning and this time, there is blood--not brown but red. It's not heavy, just one small streak with other thick fluid but it causes me to sob in the bathroom for a full 5 minutes. mind you, I'm at work. I cannot focus at all and I still have 2 classes left to teach. I will not be able to make a trek to the bathroom again until the end of the day. It's a nerve wracking experience and i become immediately depressed. Should I call my doctor? Should I wait it out? Perhaps I should try a different pregnancy test brand? All that goes through my mind is..."I'm not pregnant, and I already told..." I feel like crying all over again. I page Michael and of course he's worried that I'm a mess and says he's on his way. I manage another sneak to the bathroom and this time it's heavy with clots.
Michael comes in to pick me up at school. He called my doctor and she is worried about an ectopic pregnancy and she schedules me to go in for an ultrasound at 3pm. The ultrasound shows nothing in the uterus--so they do a vaginal ultrasound to get a closer look. The doctor on call for ultrasound is perplexed, he said there is no sac or sign of pregnancy but he said it could mean it's still early. They want me to have a blood test done to confirm hCG--the hormone for pregnancy.
During the entire visit I am crying. I feel so stupid, that maybe I had made up the entire episode and that I was never really pregnant. Maybe my mind was so engorged with the desire to be pregnant that it created phantom symptoms. I had all the signs of pregnancy, or did I? It was too much to bear. I go have the blood test and a pelvic exam. Pelvic exam shows that cervix is closed which she tells me means a miscarriage hasn't happened or hasn't completed. The results from the pregnancy test do not arrive until the next day. The blood test comes back positive for pregnancy but hCG is only 7. For a home pregnancy test to show positive result, the hCG level must be around 20 or higher. Being I tested positive on Monday, it could mean my hCG is getting lower, therefor showing miscarriage in progress or it could be that the pregnancy is very early (although I'm not sure why it would start high then get low when it's suppose to get higher as pregnancy progresses). In the meantime, all pregnancy related symptoms are disappearing. No more nausea, no more painful boobs, no more middle of the night potty sessions.
I have another blood test on Monday to find out if the number keeps dropping or if it will go back up. If it goes back up that's a good sign, if it drops to zero that means a failed pregnancy and I miscarried. If it stays the same or stays under 10 then it could mean ectopic pregnancy. So far the bleeding is heavy on a daily basis and the cramps are painful. Miscarriages aren't a one day thing. You don't expell remains and then get on with your life. The process can take anywhere from a few days to 2-4 weeks. It's a very painful experience, both physically and emotionally, to be reminded on a daily basis that your pregnancy didn't work out. I cannot imagine what it's like for those who miscarry later in their pregnancy or even give birth to stillborn. That has to be absolutely devastating.
November 3rd Monday's blood test confirmed that I have miscarried. In the face of all of this...I am having horrifying dreams--will I be able to get pregnant again? If I do, will I miscarry again? What once was a very positive exciting experience has turned into something very unpleasant and depressing. Michael and I will have to wait to experience the joys of pregnancy. With a miscarriage they (meaning doctors) tell you to wait for your body (and mind) to heal--some say 3 months, some say wait until you've had at least one regular cycle. My doc told me to wait until I have experienced 2 periods. So, for now we'll look forward to our honeymoon cruise in March (let's hope nothing bad takes that away either) and then we can start thinking about babies again. I'm trying not to be pessimistic about the whole thing. Someone upstairs decided that it wasn't my time. It just upsets me. Why not me? I hear about all of these other people who say "we weren't even trying, it just happened." Or, "we weren't expecting it to happen so soon." Then there are those who've been trying for over a year, or who have miscarried more than once. I can't imagine feeling this disappointment every time you try. It's nerve-wrecking enough to try to figure out if you're ovulating, then to wait and see if it actually worked. Who's to say that this won't happen again after we start trying again? Kudos to those who keep on trying.
In my quest to end things of on some kind of positive note, I'm surrounded by wonderful mother's to be. I'm so very happy that many of my friends and colleagues will soon be mothers for the first time. I'll have lots of guidance when my turn finally does come.