Reboot, Blog 2.0 .... Let's Be Honest... Thoughts that run through my mind. Jealousy.
I had a horrible relationship once upon a time.. Okay.. More than once.
My first ever boyfriend,,, You know the serious one. The one that took my virginity as I took his. I thought everything was okay, I really did. After a year and a half he left me for the girl that sat behind me in Science. He did not even have the balls to tell me himself. That girl told me that they were going out now and we were over. I could not tolerate the "I love J0hn" on her books. I wanted to drown myself, Really. I drowned myself in reading and feeling sad and poetry about unrequited love, I went a bit psycho because that is just who I was at the time. I was so stupid back then.
The second time I was willing to put up with just anything as long as he came back to me. I was still stupid. He called me names, told me I needed help, I still bare scars from the damage he inflicted on me emotionally and physically. I forgave him along time ago. That person left me for his sisters best friend. Well he never really left me, I knew he was seeing her and I at the same time. I had to endure him comparing me to her...
To be honest.. I did not have to endure it. I wanted to. I thought that love was supposed to be Godly and that I was supposed to love unconditionally, Oh I was so wrong but nobody could make me see. I ran away from that relationship because it was time. I had chewed it up good and proper and there was no taste left in it. I gathered up what remained of my sanity and moved out of state.
The String along. When I was little I knew this boy, My parents Square Danced with his grandparents. My folks were okay with him spending the night and sometimes we even shared the same bed because we were too young and naive to do adult things. I remember about 8th grade my sister and I gave him a awful haircut. We were young and innocent and those kind of thoughts never crossed our minds. Fast forward years later.. His Grandma passed away and him and I reconnected at her funeral. He had grown up and so had I. I spent a couple of weekends with him out of state, He would drive all the way from Oklahoma to see me and drive back the next day. I really thought this was the one. I tried to plan a wedding but he never gave me a date to tell anyone. You know come to think of it he never gave me a ring either. I found out that he had fathered a kid and he would not introduce her to me. Evidently she had many different "daddies" and he did not want to introduce me to her.. I cannot believe the excuse was he did not want to introduce us because she needed something more permanent in her life... Excuse me fucker, I have known you all my life, and we were supposed to be married.
Man that changed my life the first time. The man that fathered my first son. We had a great, funny, tempestuous, wonderful little fairy tale, That was until he hit me and I left. Two weeks later I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. The man wanted me to get back with him and I did not do it. I had learned my lesson after being some other mans doormat and kickstand.
Best one ever, I followed a man into the Army, Enlisted and everything, We even went to the same base for training. After 6 weeks and after my medical discharge., He came home on leave and told me he met someone else while we were there. I remained friends with his mom, sister and dad.. His sister was my Maid of honor at my wedding to my husband and I named my daughter after her. I am still good friends with his mom.
I am a jealous person because of all of the times in the past I gave my heart to a man to have him leave me whenever he had enough of me. It does not help that I am a scorpio and that makes me even more insanely jealous than any logical human being should be. Maybe that is just an excuse. Who knows. I did get a big ass scorpion tattoo on my back to remind myself to be the badass my sign is known for.
I am a mess and I have always been insecure, Hell, My parents abandoned me at the hospital when I was born. I have never been wanted for who I am. I have never been good enough to keep.
My marriage is well my marriage and to respect my husbands privacy because he is a private person I will not divulge much about it here. I finally learned that lesson and out of respect for him I am not going to share any information here. I save that for Google Drive, My private diary is saved there. Believe me you cannot handle those thoughts, you don't want them in your head. I cannot even handle them in mine.
I am going to try to be more transparent in this. A sorta running commentary about my thoughts, Both old and new. The reason for this today... I ran across a picture of me smiling up to an ex that I mentioned above. It made me think of Jealously and who I am when that shit hits me.
Anyway.. I will hollar at you later. Have a good day.
My first ever boyfriend,,, You know the serious one. The one that took my virginity as I took his. I thought everything was okay, I really did. After a year and a half he left me for the girl that sat behind me in Science. He did not even have the balls to tell me himself. That girl told me that they were going out now and we were over. I could not tolerate the "I love J0hn" on her books. I wanted to drown myself, Really. I drowned myself in reading and feeling sad and poetry about unrequited love, I went a bit psycho because that is just who I was at the time. I was so stupid back then.
The second time I was willing to put up with just anything as long as he came back to me. I was still stupid. He called me names, told me I needed help, I still bare scars from the damage he inflicted on me emotionally and physically. I forgave him along time ago. That person left me for his sisters best friend. Well he never really left me, I knew he was seeing her and I at the same time. I had to endure him comparing me to her...
To be honest.. I did not have to endure it. I wanted to. I thought that love was supposed to be Godly and that I was supposed to love unconditionally, Oh I was so wrong but nobody could make me see. I ran away from that relationship because it was time. I had chewed it up good and proper and there was no taste left in it. I gathered up what remained of my sanity and moved out of state.
The String along. When I was little I knew this boy, My parents Square Danced with his grandparents. My folks were okay with him spending the night and sometimes we even shared the same bed because we were too young and naive to do adult things. I remember about 8th grade my sister and I gave him a awful haircut. We were young and innocent and those kind of thoughts never crossed our minds. Fast forward years later.. His Grandma passed away and him and I reconnected at her funeral. He had grown up and so had I. I spent a couple of weekends with him out of state, He would drive all the way from Oklahoma to see me and drive back the next day. I really thought this was the one. I tried to plan a wedding but he never gave me a date to tell anyone. You know come to think of it he never gave me a ring either. I found out that he had fathered a kid and he would not introduce her to me. Evidently she had many different "daddies" and he did not want to introduce me to her.. I cannot believe the excuse was he did not want to introduce us because she needed something more permanent in her life... Excuse me fucker, I have known you all my life, and we were supposed to be married.
Man that changed my life the first time. The man that fathered my first son. We had a great, funny, tempestuous, wonderful little fairy tale, That was until he hit me and I left. Two weeks later I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. The man wanted me to get back with him and I did not do it. I had learned my lesson after being some other mans doormat and kickstand.
Best one ever, I followed a man into the Army, Enlisted and everything, We even went to the same base for training. After 6 weeks and after my medical discharge., He came home on leave and told me he met someone else while we were there. I remained friends with his mom, sister and dad.. His sister was my Maid of honor at my wedding to my husband and I named my daughter after her. I am still good friends with his mom.
I am a jealous person because of all of the times in the past I gave my heart to a man to have him leave me whenever he had enough of me. It does not help that I am a scorpio and that makes me even more insanely jealous than any logical human being should be. Maybe that is just an excuse. Who knows. I did get a big ass scorpion tattoo on my back to remind myself to be the badass my sign is known for.
I am a mess and I have always been insecure, Hell, My parents abandoned me at the hospital when I was born. I have never been wanted for who I am. I have never been good enough to keep.
My marriage is well my marriage and to respect my husbands privacy because he is a private person I will not divulge much about it here. I finally learned that lesson and out of respect for him I am not going to share any information here. I save that for Google Drive, My private diary is saved there. Believe me you cannot handle those thoughts, you don't want them in your head. I cannot even handle them in mine.
I am going to try to be more transparent in this. A sorta running commentary about my thoughts, Both old and new. The reason for this today... I ran across a picture of me smiling up to an ex that I mentioned above. It made me think of Jealously and who I am when that shit hits me.
Anyway.. I will hollar at you later. Have a good day.