Memoirs of a Texan Abroad (13/14)

[texankate]

Title:  How Jensen Ackles Hated Mr. Right, Shagged Mr. Wrong, and Finally Got a Clue
Author:  texankate 
Pairings/Characters:  J-squared, Jensen/ Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Jared/Sandy, Chris/Steve, Usual Suspects  OFCs, OMCs.  S1 'The Tudors', S1 'Primeval'.
Rating:  Up to NC17 in places

Disclaimer: If we shadows have offended, Think but this, and all is mended, That you have but slumber'd here While these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, No more yielding but a dream,. In other words: complete and utter fiction. I own nothing but my twisted and sordid little brain. I even had to borrow my disclaimer.

Summary:  When Jensen left everything behind for his big shot overseas assignment, he only wanted a life of adventure.  Will he choose passion with a sexy foreigner?  Or will he realize that true love was in his back yard the whole time?

A week later, Jensen signed the international contract. Deep down, he knew it wasn't smart to make the decision when he was still reeling from his split with Jared, but a small, petty part of him thought that staying in England was going to be easier than living in the same city as Jared but not being with him. He spent his weeks wandering around in a daze, just wanting to get away for a bit and see his family.

He flew back to Texas in late October, leaving a misty island behind and landing in Texas sunshine. Mac was waiting for him in the arrivals area, holding a sign that said 'Dorky Big Brother Ackles'. He managed a small grin before dropping his bags and scooping her up into a bear hug.

"Good to see you, kiddo," he said.

"You too, Jen," Mac replied. "Let's get you home."

"Thank God."

Jensen's mother had been cooking all day. He came home to find brisket, ribs, potato salad, and about three different desserts on the kitchen table. Both of his parents hugged him within an inch of his life before handing him off to his sister-in-law, niece, and nephew.

"Unka Jen!" Brody screamed. "You home!"

"Hey squirt," Jensen said, picking up the toddler and tossing him up in the air.

Emma hid behind her mother's skirt, suddenly shy.

"What's up, baby girl?" Jensen said. He set Brody down on his feet and knelt down, holding out his hand to his niece. She hesitantly inched forward, until she grabbed his hand and threw herself into his arms.

"Hey Uncle Jen," she whispered into his ear.

"Hey cutie. I missed you," he replied.

"Missed you, too."

Josh and Beth got hugs as well, and then Jensen's grandma and grandpa. They migrated out to the back yard, where Josh and their father had set up picnic tables. Jensen dished out a mound of barbecue and sides, and sat down between his mother and sister.

He regaled the family with stories about his trip and his coworkers until it was time for dessert. His mother dished him up a slice of chocolate pie and a piece of carrot cake before dragging him off to a couple of chairs on the edge of the patio.

"I noticed you left some things out," she said. "What about that young man of yours? I was kind of expecting him here, too."

"I didn't want to tell you over the phone, but we broke up," Jensen admitted.

"Oh, honey. What happened?" Donna asked, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

"He started freaking out about how I was happy working overseas and he could never see himself leaving Texas," Jensen said. "I don't know if he wanted out and was looking for excuses."

"Honey, I'm sure that's not it at all," Donna said. "Maybe he just needed some time to think."

"Too late," Jensen said, shrugging his shoulders. "I've already signed the contract. He'll be here and I'll be in England. Maybe it's better this way."

"Now that's just crazy talk," Donna said. "Honey, you love that boy."

"Mom, it's over. I know you liked him, but it just isn't going to work out," Jensen said. He stood up and grabbed his dessert plate. "But it doesn't mean I won't be happy. I'm really looking forward to my life."

"Well, I think you're giving up on him a little soon, but all I want is for you to be happy, sweetheart," Donna said.

"Don't worry, Mom," Jensen said. "I'll be fine."

Jensen spent the next month tying up loose ends. He arranged to ship his stuff to the UK, giving the shipping company Natalie's address even though the first thing he'd need to do when he got back was look for a place to live. Natalie had offered to let him stay in the flat, but he couldn't afford what the company had been paying, and the rent from the flat was pretty much half of her income. Plus, he had way too much stuff to fit in next to all of hers, anyway.

He closed out his bank account and sold his car. He went through his things and either sold or gave away all of his electronics. They'd be out of date by the time he got back, anyway. He did manage to get his DVDs back from Josh; he could always buy a multi-region player when he got settled.

Stuff situation sorted, he focused on mending bridges at work. Bob was unhappy at Jensen's choice to make the move permanent, but he understood. In fact, he was much more gracious than Jensen had expected. Then again, it turned out that Bob and his wife were planning a vacation to London in the near future, and he wanted to make sure they had a tour guide.

His friends were less thrilled. Jensen promised them that he was only planning to spend a couple of years overseas, but Chris wasn't convinced. They were sitting on Chris and Steve's back patio, drinking beers, when Chris finally decided that Jensen's weak explanations weren't enough.

"So why move, Jen? I get that you and Johnny didn't work out, and that Jared was a bust. So if the pool of men is that crappy in England, what in the hell are you going back for?" He flipped his beer cap at Jensen's head.

"Oy, don't throw things at me," Jensen griped. "And England is light two bastards at the moment. Johnny's in Oslo and Jared is… well, he's here. Which makes England look pretty fucking good at the moment."

"Have you talked to him at all since your argument?" Steve asked.

"No. And I don't plan to. It's better if it's a clean break," Jensen said.

"You sound like you're trying to convince yourself," Chris said. "Maybe you should at least give him a chance to explain."

"What's to explain? He wanted out. Again, I wasn't enough," Jensen said, staring at his beer.

"Why would you even think that," Chris growled. "He's the one who isn't good enough for you."

"Thanks, but you have to say that, you're my best friend," Jensen said, looking up at Chris with a small smile. "But there are two possibilities: either he couldn't stand being in the same city with me, probably because I was fun for a fling but not for long-term, or he's so attached to his family that I would never be enough. Either way, it ends up the same. Although, if it is the second one, at least he was being honest."

"There's a third possibility, Jen," Steve said, bumping Jensen's shoulder. "He could be kicking himself for overreacting. If you don't talk to him, you'll never know if he just really sucks at being surprised."

Jensen snorted. "You didn't see him. He was freaked the fuck out," he said. "And even if he showed up today and begged me to get back together, I just don't think I could."

Steve and Chris exchanged an odd look, but dropped the subject. Instead, they moved on to how Jensen needed to make sure he got a two bedroom place so they'd have someplace to crash when they came and spent their vacations with him. They grabbed another round of beers and enjoyed the chilly evening air and one of their last nights together.

Thanksgiving came and went, and Jensen enjoyed enough football and pecan pie to last him until the next year. He cuddled Emma and Brody, and let his grandma mark his cheeks with her bright pink lipstick. Chris and Steve came over to watch A&M play the Longhorns, and stayed until everyone else had gone to bed, leaving the three of them to curl up in the living room and watch movies.

November turned into December, and Jensen finalized his plans. The shipping company came and picked up his things. He went to the company Christmas party, the last one with his friends for at least two years. He put up with a large amount of good-natured ribbing, and made several offers to put people up if they managed to make it over to see him. Chris then informed them all that the guest room had his and Steve's names on it, and that they'd all have to sleep on the couch.

The Ackles then had an early Christmas, handing out gifts amidst tears and smiles. Most of Jensen's gifts were geared for colder weather, and would be mailed over instead of taking up room in his luggage. The women in the family appreciated all of the jewelry, scarves, and trinkets he'd brought home. He, his dad, and Jeff spent an evening enjoying the scotch. He knew he'd probably feel a little down when the actual Christmas Day rolled around and he'd be on his own, but the early celebration was wonderful, and just what he needed before starting a new chapter in his life.

He flew out a week before Christmas. Mac didn't think she could handle seeing him leave, and Josh and Alan had to work. Chris and Steve offered to see him off, but he turned them down. In the end, he stood in front of the security gate with Donna, tears welling up in both of their eyes.

"You sure you have everything?" Donna asked, reaching up to straighten his collar. Jensen felt like she was seeing him off to kindergarten again.

"Yes ma'am."

"You call me when you get there. Well, wait until it's six or so our time," Donna said.

"Yes ma'am."

"I am so proud of you, baby," she said, standing on her toes to kiss him on the cheek. "I just want so much for you to be happy."

"I am, Mama," Jensen said.

"No, you're not. You miss that boy of yours, I can see it," Donna said. When Jensen tried to protest, she held up her hand to cut him off. "You do, don't try to deny it. Jensen, you have to have faith that there is someone out there for you, who will treat you like you deserve. If it's not Jared, then someone else. But honey, don't be too hard on Jared. From what you've said, I get the feeling that he's a good man. And even good men get spooked and make mistakes."

"You sound like you speak from experience," Jensen said with a watery chuckle.

"I married a good man and raised two more. I know you're not perfect," Donna replied with a wry smile. "I'm just saying, if the opportunity ever presents itself, give him a chance to explain. And either way try to find forgiveness in your heart. It's hard for love to make a place in there if it's full up with anger."

"You're a smart lady," Jensen said, wrapping his mother up into a hug. "I'm pretty lucky."

"I think I'm pretty lucky, too," Donna said. "Now you better get along. You don't want to miss your plane." She wiped tears away with a tissue.

"Yes ma'am," Jensen said. He gave her one more kiss on the top of her head and leaned down to pick up his bags. He paused and turned, right before putting his bags on the x-ray machine.

"Love you, Mom."

"Love you too, baby."

Jensen's second plane ride to England was much less eventful. He shared a row with an older gentleman who seemed perfectly satisfied to read his paper and drink ginger ale. There was no giant in front of him, and no one spilled marinara on his shirt. The customs line was a little longer, but not too terribly so. As soon as he stepped out into the main hallway at arrivals, he was struck with an odd feeling of 'home'. As much as he would miss everyone back in Texas, it was good to be back.

He skipped the traditional Starbucks and its associated memories, opting instead to grab a soda and a candy bar from convenience store in the airport. Fortified with caffeine and sugar, he carted his belongings to the taxi stand. The driver helped him load his things, and he crawled into the back, hoping to not fall asleep on the drive.

Crawley looked just the same, as did his neighborhood. He unloaded his things at the flat, and then paid the driver. There was a note from Natalie in the front hallway saying that she'd had to pick up a last minute flight to Germany. Jensen flipped through the mail, finding nothing that required his immediate attention.

He spent the day sorting out laundry and running out for groceries. He fell into bed early, convinced that he could still smell Jared's cologne on the pillows.

The next day dawned clear and cold. Jensen put the kettle on for tea and made toast. The first thing he needed to do was to go out and grab a paper and look at the classifieds for his own flat. His stuff would arrive in min-January, and he'd like to be able to move it right in and not have to put it in temporary storage.

He cleared up the breakfast dishes and was about to head in for a shower when he heard a knock at his front door. He rinsed off his hands and went to see who it was.

He opened the door and found not a person, but a grande caramel macchiato, a double chocolate muffin, and the classifieds, which had several big red circles on them. A weird combination of dread and hope stirred in his stomach. He picked up the food and the paper, and looked around to hopefully catch a glimpse of his benefactor.

He took everything inside and settled on the couch. The places that had been circled all sounded nice, but they were a little pricey. He ignored them to look at the other rentals until he found one circled in both red and blue ink, with stars and hearts drawn around it. Written underneath were the words: 'Be out front, Saturday 11am'. Jensen glanced at his watch and noticed that he had better get going if he didn't want to be late. The tiny bubble of hope in his stomach kept growing.

He hopped into the shower, scrubbing himself clean in record time. He dressed up a little, his black cashmere sweater, dark jeans, and boots. He pulled on the leather jacket his parents had given him for Christmas and a green scarf. At 10:59 am he stepped out onto the street and found a taxi waiting for him.

"All right there," the driver said with a grin. "You Jensen?"

"Yes sir," Jensen said.

"Well then, hop in. I've been instructed to deliver you."

"Where?"

"Not supposed to say. It's a surprise."

Jensen watched as they headed out of Crawley and on east. The signs said Turners Hill, and he watched as the driver threaded through more suburban areas until they reached what could almost be described as countryside. The driver pulled into a wide drive and stopped in front of the front door of a house.

Sitting on the front steps was a familiar shaggy-headed giant. Jared stood as Jensen climbed out of the cab, looking torn between rushing up to Jensen and expecting a punch. The driver pulled away before Jensen had a chance to tell him to stick around, just in case things didn't go well.

"You came," Jared said, his voice a little shaky.

"Yep."

"Umm, wanna see the house?"

"Why do you want to show me a house?"

"Well, Natalie said you wouldn't be living in her downstairs flat for much longer, but that you hadn't found a place yet."

"Dude, there's no way I can afford this place," Jensen said. He'd done a little looking before he'd headed back to Texas, and with his accommodation allowance and salary, he'd still be hard pressed to find something he liked in his price range.

"Well, maybe we could afford it," Jared said, staring down at his feet. "You and me. Together."

After everything, he was here offering everything Jensen could want on a silver platter. Strangely, it just made Jensen mad. The hope in his stomach turned to ice. "What the hell, Jared," he said, turning and heading for the road.

"Jen, please!" Jared said, running after him. "Please give me a chance to apologize."

"You're sorry? Fine. Apology accepted. Now leave me alone," Jensen snarled.

"No," Jared said, grabbing for his arm. "Please, Jensen."

"Jared, you've used up all of your second chances," Jensen said, anger giving way to a dull ache. He wondered if the cab driver had gotten very far away.

"There's no way you can find it in your heart to forgive me?" Jared said, following Jensen like a puppy. "Please, Jen. I freaked out, but I swear, the minute I left your place that day, I regretted everything I'd said. I've been miserable since that minute and all I want is for a chance to make it right."

"You've been miserable?" Jensen whirled around, anger finally exploding. He stalked towards Jared. "I've spent over two months wondering what it was about me that makes it so easy to walk away from me. What I had done to make you want out so badly."

"Jen, I swear, walking away from you wasn't easy. I don't think I'd survive it again," Jared said, tears running down his face but not backing away. "It's not you, Jen. You're perfect. I screwed up, not you. Please, just talk to me."

"Okay. Why were you so freaked out about the contract? I wasn't going to take it," Jensen said.

"And would you have been happy?" Jared asked, folding in on himself. Jensen had never seen someone so big look so small before. "You love this, love living over here. Hell, you'd probably be up for living anywhere."

"I probably would, but Jared, I'd rather have had you," Jensen said, anger draining out of his voice. He was just so tired.

"Now, maybe. But in a couple of years? Who's to say you wouldn't have resented me? Resented that I didn't think I could give it all up and follow you around the world," Jared said, dropping down to sit on the front step. "I saw that contract, knew you'd walk away from it, and all I could think of was what you'd look like when you walked away from me. Two, hell, if I was lucky maybe ten years down the road."

"What's changed?" Jensen said. He sat down on one of the rocks lining the drive. "Now walking away from the contract isn't really an option."

"I was sitting in my mama's kitchen, telling her the whole story while she made dinner. I started flipping through her day runner while I was talking and I noticed something. She had a life-a full life. She has clubs and friends, and I think maybe even a guy she's seeing.  She has this whole life, and I've spent so much of mine trying to take care of her and Megan that I never really noticed that I don't have one of my own."

"Wanting to take care of your family isn't a crime, Jay," Jensen said.

"No, but it's not healthy when you use it as an excuse to avoid life," Jared said. "Hell, even the whole mess with Sandy. I thought I wanted this perfect housewife and life and we'd go to Mom's a couple of nights a week for dinner, and we'd trade off hosting holidays at our house. But when it came down to it, there was a part of me that couldn't go though with it. Maybe a part that still wanted to see what was out there. A part that was waiting for you."

"And you're ready to walk away from your family and the white picket fence?" Jensen asked.

"Well, after my mother smacked me on the head for screwing things up with you, again, she made the very good point that people fly overseas to visit family and friends all the time," Jared said. "Moving here doesn't mean I'm abandoning my family. It means that I get to rack up frequent flyer miles when we go visit for the holidays," he said, with a weak grin.

"And the suburban life with the white picket fence and the supper club?" Jensen asked, relentlessly.

"I'm not particular about what kind of fence I have, and I don't care who I have supper with aside from you," Jared said. "I want to be with you, and have a life with you. Wherever we might end up." He looked at Jensen with his heart in his eyes.

"Jay, I don't-"

"Just come inside and look at the house, okay?" Jared said.

Jensen shrugged and climbed to his feet. Jared took a key ring out of his pocket and opened the front door.

"Okay, here's the foyer. Here on the right is the dining room. The kitchen is through there, and then the lounge on the left," Jared said, his voice a little steadier. They wandered from room to room, taking in the bright and airy spaces.

"Come on upstairs," Jared said, leading the way. "The master bedroom is here on the left, with two more bedrooms and a bathroom over there. Then there's this funny little room that could easily be turned into a master bath and closet. Dude, that's another thing, places over here don't have closets. It's freaky."

"Well, there's a reason it's not called 'The Lion, the Witch, and the Bitchin' Walk-in Closet'," Jensen said with a chuckle.

"Ha ha," Jared said, rolling his eyes.

They went back downstairs and Jensen wandered back into the kitchen. "Nice backyard," he said.

"Yeah, I only looked at places with fenced in yards," Jared said. "Can't let Harley and Sadie run loose."

"Your dogs?"

"My babies," Jared said, with a beatific grin. "They've been spending lots of time with my mom while I was shuttling back and forth over here, but once I get settled in, they're coming too."

"You seem pretty certain that this will work out," Jensen said, leaning against the kitchen counter.

"Well, if you decide that you don't want to give us another try, it's not like there's nothing to keep me here," Jared said. "Gerard was really happy with my work and offered me a position."

"So you're moving here either way?" Jensen asked.

"I haven't given him a final answer, one way or another. But I think so, yeah," Jared said. "I really wasn't looking forward to seeing Sandy in the weekly staff meeting, and there's still a lot here I haven't seen."

"You'll end up an adventurer yet," Jensen said with a tired smile.

"Thanks to you," Jared said. He stood in front of Jensen and grabbed his hands. "I don't care if I'm in England, or Mongolia, or the ass-end of Zimbabwe. As long as I'm with you, it'll be amazing."

Jensen looked down at their entwined fingers, and then up at Jared's face. "I don't know, Jay," he said.

"Just give me a chance. I promise I won't let you down again," Jared said. "We can start over. Start small. Whatever you need."

Jensen thought back to his mother's words about forgiveness and faith. He looked up into Jared's eyes and smiled.

"Let's start with dinner, and see where it goes."

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